35
"Amy, why are you here?"
"Leonard informed me of this get-together and I assumed that you were just unable to reach me."
"I had no intention of inviting you."
"I'm your girlfriend, Sheldon. Of course I belong at any social gathering you organize."
"I have informed you on multiple occasions that we are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend."
"According to our Relationship Agreement, that you wrote, the relationship is not officially terminated until the Relationship Dissolution Agreement is executed."
"And I sent it to you last week by registered mail. You received it. I have proof."
"As I have yet to sign it I am still your girlfriend."
"I hereby execute the "I don't want to" clause. The relationship is hereby dissolved. Please depart."
Junior came to the door.
"Shelly, let the little lady have some dinner. If she dated you for so long she must have a few stories and I wanna hear 'em."
And Missy came over.
"No Junior. I do not want this woman in my home. I don't like her and I don't trust her."
"Momma says you never turn a guest away. Y'all come on in and sit right down next to me, little lady."
Junior led Amy to the dinner table.
"Missy, this is Junior trying to embarrass me."
"Shelly, there ain't much we can do about it now, but I'll deal with him later myself. And when Momma and Meemaw hear about it…"
"Alright. As long as Junior is somehow dealt with. Perhaps we can influence Amy to depart as quickly as possible."
Missy led Sheldon back to the table and glared at Amy Farrah Fowler.
"Okay, lady. You're here for now. But you say or do anything I don't like and you will not enjoy what happens."
"Sheldon, are you going to permit your sister to threaten your girlfriend?" Amy asked.
Through gritted teeth, Sheldon answered "You are not my girlfriend."
Leonard turned to Penny, smiled, cocked his eyebrow and said "So, what's this big announcement?"
"Not sure this is the right time, Leonard."
"Penny," Amy offered, "if you have some sort of announcement I'm sure we would all like to hear it. Have you and Leonard set your wedding date? Are you with child? Will I be your Maid of Honor? Have you purchased new sexy underthings?"
Penny glared at Amy and then at Leonard.
"Fine. I'll tell you. Next month, in addition to working for Sheldon and Alex, I'll also start working with Wil Wheaton as the co-host of his new show on the SyFy Channel."
Missy flew across the table to give Penny a hug and was quickly joined by Alex, Nora and Sheldon. Leonard just sat and glared, as did Amy Farrah Fowler.
Amy looked at Junior and said, "I will take this opportunity to get a plate of food" and left the table.
Alex, Nora, Missy, Sheldon and Junior peppered Penny with questions. Leonard continued to sit and glare at Penny.
"So what does a co-host do?
"Well, I'll be on every show and introduce special segments and participate in the discussions. I'll also do special reports from other places so there will be some travel but mostly on weekends. I worked with George Takei at the audition and the SyFy people said I looked really natural and, thanks to the guys, I knew what I was talking about. I guess a lot of stuff I heard the guys talking about over the years seeped in and I remember it."
"How long will the show be on?"
"Well, they just finished their first 10-week series. That was when they decided Wil needed a co-host and I was the only one Wil brought in to audition and they hired me on the spot. They figure they'll do two or three series a year. That's why I'll keep working with Sheldon."
"I'm certain we'll be able to work out an acceptable schedule. This is a wonderful opportunity for Penny and I would not wish to stand in her way." Sheldon stared right at Leonard as he finished his sentence.
"Hey Sheldon," Penny asked as she looked around the room, "where did Amy go?"
"She went over to get some food." Junior answered.
Everyone looked around. Amy was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly they heard the baby screaming loudly from Missy's bedroom. Missy jumped up quickly followed by Penny. They both ran to Missy's room where they found Amy Farrah Fowler trying to leave the room.
"What the hell are you doing in my baby's room, bitch?"
"I heard the infant bawl and I came in to calm it."
"Bullshit!"
"What's in your hand, Amy?" Penny asked.
"Nothing."
"Give me what's in your hand."
"I don't have anything."
Penny grabbed and pried open Amy's hand.
"Missy, she has the baby's rattle. And it's wet. I know exactly what she was doing."
Penny glared at Amy, grabbed her ear between her thumb and forefinger and dragged her screaming out to the living room. Once out there Amy broke away.
"Do you know what she was doing, Sheldon? She took the baby's rattle and she licked it, that's what she did."
"Penny, I don't understand," Sheldon responded.
"Sheldon please don't hate me for not telling you this before, but when Amy wants someone to like her she rubs herself against and licks all their stuff. She just tried to do it with the baby."
"Is this true, Amy?"
"I was merely trying to acclimate the infant to my scent so it would cease crying in my presence. After all, we will be family at some point."
Missy was holding her still-crying child and muttering "I'm gonna fuckin' kill her."
"And you have done this previously?"
"Indeed. I did it in your old office, Penny's apartment, here, at Howard and Bernadette's apartment, Howard's mother's house and Rajesh's apartment. As you can see no harm has been done."
Sheldon was beginning to turn red.
"And you did this despite my feelings about germs which are well known to you?"
"You have a germ phobia, Sheldon, not a disease. Now that you are aware of my activities do you not feel more comfortable with the prospect of sharing bodily fluids?"
"You did this in order to prepare me for coitus!"
"Partially. Partially I wished to make sure that you were aware, on a subconscious level, that you are mine."
"Well, that is not the result you have achieved. I feel violated. And you have similarly violated my friends and relations. As I have previously informed you, our Relationship Agreement is null and void. I will not permit you to use it against me again. You are banished and will now depart this apartment and this building and never come back. I will inform security personnel at CalTech that you are to be denied entry. If necessary I will seek the assistance of the police in this matter. You are no better than a stalker. I wish to never see you again, Amy Farrah Fowler, and I now regret ever meeting you at all. You are a stubborn, selfish child. Those who avoided and derided you as you were growing up were no doubt correct in their estimation of you. Now depart. Now."
"But Sheldon," Amy said as she looked around.
Junior stood up from the table. "Sheldon, Missy, everyone. I sincerely apologize for convincin' y'all to let her stay. I was wrong." And then he looked at Amy. "Y'all better be out the door by the time I count to three. If you ain't, I'll forget my Christian upbringin' and that you are a lady and kick you down all six flights of fuckin' stairs, through the lobby 'n' out onto the street.
"One."
Amy looked around and locked eyes with Leonard, who had a very guilty look on his face and then began staring at the floor.
"Two."
Nobody made a move to stop Junior as he advanced toward Amy.
"Three."
Amy turned, ran out the door and down the stairs.
The baby stopped crying.
And then everyone looked at Leonard.
"What?"
"You made this happen, didn't you Leonard?" Sheldon said accusingly.
"All I did was inform Amy of the event. The rest was all her."
"What was the purpose of informing her at all?"
"Whatever is going on between you and Amy is just some kind of big misunderstanding. I thought if you guys got together socially you could iron things out. You and Amy belong together just like me and Penny."
"Would you call what just occurred ironing things out?"
"I didn't know Amy would do that. She made a mistake. You made lots of mistakes with her. It'll all work out in time, Sheldon."
"So Amy willfully spreading her germs on every surface and item I come in contact with qualifies as a little mistake. Well, I guess that makes sense coming from someone who destroys another's well-earned reputation and calls it a prank."
Penny, who was standing with Missy and the baby watching as the scene developed could no longer stand by.
"Is that what you did in the Arctic, Leonard? Did you destroy Sheldon's reputation?"
"Sheldon's exaggerating as usual, Penny. It was a prank just like I said. He forgave me. It's ancient history. He's the one who made it worse by sending everyone an email saying he'd proven String Theory. I had nothing to do with that."
Missy turned to Penny. "Screwin' around with Shelly's results was Leonard's idea. After Shelly came back, everything he'd ever written and everything he wrote after that was gone over with a fine-tooth comb because they didn't trust him or his work anymore. Everything. It only stopped a little while ago."
"Sheldon?"
"Penny, I forgave them because I thought that I may have placed undue pressure on my friends to help me succeed in my research. I did not wish to lose them as friends. And yes, all of my work was examined and re-examined before it was ever permitted to be submitted for publication. It is still possible that repercussions from the incident will prevent me from ever receiving a Nobel Prize."
"And the only thing on Leonard's mind when he came back was getting me in the sack."
"Penny, you're making a big thing out of nothing. And why didn't you tell me anything about the Wil Wheaton thing? You gave up acting. We're going to be married. We're supposed to be sharing everything."
"Oh, we're supposed to be sharing everything, Leonard? Okay, fine. Let's share. I don't have an infection. I'm seeing a therapist and started taking anti-depressants and that's why I stopped drinking."
"Penny, I think maybe we need to have a talk. Let's go home and work this out."
"You know what, Leonard? No. I'm going to stay here with my friends. You're welcome to leave but I suggest you look around for somewhere else to stay for a while. I don't want to see your face when I get home."
"Penny, you're overreacting."
"I'm not so sure that I am. I'm embarrassed. I'm upset. I'm ashamed of myself. But no, I don't think I'm overreacting. So, please leave and I think maybe I'll have Junior check the apartment before I go home. If you're still there I think I'd kinda like to see him do that stair thing."
Leonard looked around for support, much as Amy had. Finding none he slowly exited, pouting.
Alex and Nora rushed over to Penny as she started to break down sobbing.