I stay put.
I don't move.
There's not a chance in hell that I'm getting out of the way and letting her drive away from me.
She knows I'm not going anywhere, so she rolls her eyes at me and gets out of the car.
"Would ya get out of the way Peter?" Carla asks casually, As if I'm simply just blocking her path.
"And where are you off to in such a rush?" I ask just as casually as her and it's only when I look at Carla properly, that I see she's been drinking.
She's not drunk, no where near but she's had enough to make her pupils widen and to make an easy task like standing up, a little more difficult. She sighs and I can tell that she knows that I know she's had a few.
"I dunno, somewhere… anywhere away from ere to be honest." Carla says and then she gets back into her car. She doesn't lock the door when she gets in it and then she shouts, "If you don't wanna get run over I'd move out the way."
"You're not gonna run me over" I scoff and I stay where I am although I'm not sure if I trust this situation anymore.
"Peter…Please move…" She begs and for a moment it looks as if might actually start the engine, I move out the way but not so she can drive off, I quickly open the car door and hop into the front passengers seat. "Oh god, would you get out of my car?" She cries, as if me being in this car with her is actually causing her some physical harm.
"You shouldn't be behind the wheel Carla… I mean you've obviously been drinking." I say. Carla sighs and rests her head dramatically on the steering wheel.
"I aven't had that many…" She says
"Oh yeah n how many times ave I heard n said that one eh?"
"Peter I'm fine… I'll drive slowly or something." Carla says underneath her long hair, it's much lighter than it used to be, a nice golden brown colour rather than the raven shade it used to be when we first met, it looks gorgeous on her though, it makes the colour of her eyes stand out even more if that's even possible.
"No way, if you really wanna go then take me with you." I say because I sure as hell mean it.
If she wants to endanger her life than fine but there's no way she's leaving me here on my own to pick up the pieces.
If she goes, I go.
There's a silence.
There's a long silence, then I hear Carla sigh and I see her hair move from the way she breathed out so harshly. She sits up and looks at me, God she is so beautiful.
How could I have gone so long without being in her presence? I don't know how I managed to survive so long with just looking at pictures of her, I don't know how I ever let this stunning creature go but I do know that I'm not going to be so stupid as to do it again.
"So what's this then? Is this some kinda you jump, I jump situation?" Carla says, her hands are still tightly gripped to the steering wheel as she speaks.
"I guess it is…" I say as she rolls her eyes again. I tell ya if this woman had a pound for every time she rolled her eyes she'd be a millionaire.
"We've been ere before aven't we?" Carla says and I nod at her.
I remember exactly what she is referring to, she's talking about long before we ever got together, about a time that I saw her drunkenly stumble towards her car and get inside it to drive off to a meeting or something.
I managed to talk her out of driving and it was actually when I first gave her my number. I'm sure I wrote it on a fag packet or something stupid like that. She said she didn't want it of course but I put it in her bag and she called me that very night.
I guess that was probably when my life really changed, when I realised that this strong, feisty, ice queen of a woman is actually, a beautiful mess, I realised how misunderstood she was and I soon realised that she had the biggest, most delicate heart of anyone I'd ever known in my life and sure enough she chose to share that amazing heart of hers with me.
"Well this isn't like the last time…" Carla begins although I think she knows she is not going to get rid of me that easy. "Honestly Peter, I was smashed the last time this happened, you had every right not to let me drive but it's different now… I've only had two n a half glasses of wine."
"You're not in a fit state to be driving and anyways even if I did let you go, I'd follow you, even if you hid from me I'd look and look and I wouldn't give up until I found you." I say.
"Y'know there are laws on stalking right Peter?" Carla asks and for a tiny minuscule moment, I think I saw a little smirk on her face.
"You said you were gonna wait for me…" I say because when she told me she'd wait for me at the pub, I believed her. "What's changed eh?"
"I changed… I realised that I cannot do this Peter… I'm sorry." Carla says sadly, a tear falls down her cheek as she speaks and I go to wipe it away but she catches my hand before I can get to it. "Don't…" She whispers and the way she has hold of my hand feels so damn good, that I let my arm linger awkwardly in the air just so we can remain touching.
She doesn't let go right away either, she keeps hold of it and sniffs and I know she is trying her absolute hardest not to break down.
"Why can't you do this?" I ask, "What's made you change your mind?" Carla lets go of my hand so that she can wipe her cheek. She sighs and shakes her head at me.
"Peter… I am so touched that you came, honestly I am but I just feel like letting you do this, letting you back in, I feel like it will only make this… the way I feel, worse."
"Worse? How is me being here going to make you feel worse?"
"Because you're gonna leave me again…" Carla says and that's it, She lets all her tears run loose. Her hands go up to her head and she starts sobbing into them.
I don't know what to say to her, I truly don't.
I didn't have any plans to go or any plans to stay either if I'm honest.
I didn't plan anything.
I just wanted to get here and see her, I didn't actually think about what would happen after this moment.
"Carla… right now I have no real plans but I can assure you that I'm ere for a least a few days." I say this because I don't want to scare her into thinking that I'm planning on staying here for good. I don't want her to think that I'm just here to get her back because this is more than that.
"So you'll stay a few days, or maybe you'll stay a week or even a month but then you'll leave, you'll leave me ere, you'll go back to Portsmouth and your life will go back to normal and then what about me?" Carla says and she wipes her eyes once more before shaking her head. "That's why I didn't want to see you, I thought if I went away first that maybe it wouldn't be so hard… but I were fooling myself, It's too late… you're already in, you've literally been back for an hour and you're already under my skin. The damage is already done."
I don't know what to say. I mean I guess what she's saying is almost positive right? I mean if I didn't know any better I'd say it sounds like she wants me to stay for good.
I shouldn't take so much pleasure from the fact that she said I'm already under her skin but I do. It makes me feel good to know I can still have that effect on her.
I watch her for a while as she just sits in the drivers seat silently, there is so much we need to talk about, so much that I need to say and there's also something that I just have to do.
"Well I guess if the damage is already done then we might as well go somewhere and talk." I say and Carla shrugs
"N where do you suggest we do that then?" She asks.
"I dunno we could go back to the pub?" I suggest but Carla shakes her head.
"No… I aint going back in there, no way."
"Okay what about Me Dad's?" but Carla shakes her head again
"No… Your sister will be there and I don't think she'll take too kindly to seeing me walk in… y'know seeing as I almost killed her only child and all that."
"Okay well... what about if we go…" I trail off for a bit, I don't know what else to say or suggest to Carla now but she shakes her head at me and says,
"You just don't get it d'ya Peter? I'm not the woman I was when you left me ere all those months ago, no one likes me anymore, no one wants me around, I am not welcome any where." It kills me to hear her speak like this, the hurt in her eyes, in her face and in her voice is just too much for me to bear.
"You said you're staying at Roy's, so why don't we go there?" I ask and this time Carla doesn't shake her head, she shrugs instead which is a nice change if I'm honest.
"We could… I suppose although I'm not sure what he'd make of me bringing you back, he's not exactly your biggest fan after what you did to me, in fact he told me if he ever sees you again, he won't be responsible for his actions." Carla says and she says it rather coldly actually as if she doesn't mind that Roy apparently doesn't like me.
I don't give a toss what Roy Cropper thinks about me to be honest, in fact I'd actually like to see what he'd do to me given half the chance. I don't say anything to Carla about this though, I know he's a dear friend of hers and that she really values their friendship, If I sound off about Roy she'll probably try and push me away even more.
I sit and think for a moment, Carla really doesn't seem to be too bothered about trying to talk to me. I mean she's not really making an effort to find somewhere to go and talk and I begin to wonder if maybe I've got this all wrong and she truly doesn't care or if she's just trying her best to push me away.
"Well… I really don't know what else to suggest Carla…" I end up saying after another few minutes of not talking. "I mean I'm really trying to help you ere but…"
"But what?" Carla snaps "Do you really think you can come ere after months and months and be forgiven for what you did?"
"I didn't come ere to talk about Tina." I say and Carla then lets out a sarcastic laugh.
"Oh of course you didn't." She says dryly and I just ignore this comment, for a moment I actually think about getting up and out of this car but there's no way I'm letting Carla win this.
I can be just as stubborn as she can.
Okay… so it's about fifteen minutes later and ridiculously enough we are still sitting in Carla's car and even more ridiculous than that, no one has come driving down the street and had to stop because of the randomly parked car in the middle of the road. It's rather dangerous to be sitting here in the dark, so I say,
"Y'know maybe you should park your car back in it's parking space." Carla raises one of her perfect eyebrows at me.
"I thought you said that I'm not in a fit state to be driving." She says smartly but she turns on the ignition and begins to reverse anyway.
Out of habit I put my seat belt on and this really riles Carla up because she shakes her head and says
"Really Peter?" I don't even bother to explain that it was just a reflex action and keep my mouth shut until Carla successfully parks her car. She does it just as well as she probably would have done sober and she just simply has to point this fact out as well by saying,
"See… you're still alive aint ya? I parked me car just as well as normal."
"That's not the point Carla and you know it." I say, "I mean what on earth where you thinking getting into your car after drinking, did you not learn your lesson after getting arrested those times?, did you not learn your lesson after almost killing Stella?"
"Oh spare me the lecture Saint Peter." Carla says and she gets out of the car. I quickly jump out too and follow her as she begins walking.
"Where are you going?" I ask because she genuinely looks as if even she doesn't know where she is headed.
She looks so lost and I don't just mean in terms of where she is physically going but she looks emotionally lost, as if she doesn't know what she wants to do next.
"Carla?" I say as she walks across the road. She doesn't answer me at first but eventually she comes out with
"Peter please… I cannot do this tonight, I need time, time to prepare, time to think…"
"Time to runaway again…" I say as Carla stops outside Roy's. I mean it as a joke but she doesn't look amused in fact she looks down right depressed.
I don't know how I was expecting this all to go but I didn't think it would be like this.
I knew Carla would be like this though, I knew it would be difficult to get her to let me in.
She's way too sassy, way too sarcastic and way to stubborn to just let me hold her tight and tell her that everything is going to be okay.
This is what it was like when I first approached her about her drinking, she had an expert army of walls up, walls to stop anyone from getting to her and finding out who she really was and yet I managed to break down every single one of em.
I did it before and I'll do it again.
We stand in silence but Carla is the one to break it.
"Peter… I know you've come a long way and I know you want to help me but I'm just so overwhelmed by all of this… I feel as if us talking tonight is going to be way too much for me." She says, She's stood right in front of the door to Roy's place and I realise that if she doesn't actually let me in there that I'm gonna have to let her go.
Dammit!
We should have stayed in the middle of the road, for god sake.
I don't want to let her go.
In fact I don't think I can let her go but I know that I have to.
I mean christ, it's not as if I can force me way in and I'm not about to be that kinda guy who forces a woman into anything.
Especially not Carla.
I'd never want to make her do anything that she doesn't want to do.
"I understand." I say sorrowfully. She bites her lip, she bites it as if she's trying to stop herself from saying something and I decide that I will leave her to it tonight.
Maybe if I show her that I am listening to her she'll be more inclined to talk to me tomorrow.
I know it's a long shot but I'm trying to remain positive about all this.
I'll go and stay at me Dad's and give her some peace but before that I'll do what I came to do.
I have to do it now or I might not get the chance again.
I reach into my pocket and pull out the little white envelope. Carla looks down at it and frowns.
She doesn't know what it is yet.
She doesn't know just how precious this thing is to me but she will soon.
She'll realise why I just had to come and I hope she'll realise that she is the only person on this planet who I'd give such an irreplaceable item to.
"Here…" I say as I hand her the tiny envelope. "I came ere tonight to do many things but this thing right here, this is the most important reason why I came… I had to let you have it… it's… well it's the one thing that I knew I could give to you that no one else could." A tear falls down my cheek as I speak but I ignore it and continue. "I'll leave you to it tonight, I can see that you really don't want to talk to me, Carla I sincerely hope that you feel like talking tomorrow and that you stick around so that we can chat but if you do decide to leave at least I'll know that you've got that to take with you." Carla looks down at the envelope, She breathes out and goes to open it, her hand is actually shaking as she does it and that's when I decide to turn away.
I begin to walk towards my Dad's house and prepare myself for a night of no sleep and constant worrying about Carla, but then I hear something.
Something so heart wrenching, that it stops me in my tracks.
I hear my name.
"Peter…"
I turn around to see Carla staring down at what I gave her, in tears.
She's staring at our baby.