So this is awkward.
I quickly jump off the table that Peter just had me on and I try to maintain some sort of dignity. I rack my brains to try and find something clever to say but I simply cannot think, the thrilling position that I was just in, only moments ago, is all I can think about.
Peter however, takes a different approach on the situation.
I know that he is embarrassed too and yet he actually manages to come out with a rather casual,
"Alright Roy?"
Alright Roy?
I roll my eyes and Roy continues to stare ahead at me, He's clearly shocked and he's clearly still so disappointed to have caught me with me legs gracelessly wrapped around Peter like that.
"No…" Roy begins rigidly. "No I'm not all right, in fact I'm quite shocked to be honest." Peter then looks at me pleadingly, obviously wanting me to speak up and say something. "When did you get back?" Roy then asks him because it's clear my mouth and my brain aren't working properly together.
"About two hours ago actually…" Peter begins.
"Two hours? My my you do work quick." Roy says. He is being deadly serious but I end up smirking like a fool.
"I must say I'm not happy about this." Roy then says. I nod at him and I know that I really have to start talking, I owe him an apology so I say
"Sorry Roy…" He shakes his head at me and says,
"This is all very inappropriate, I mean you... two. Using on my table like that… well its unhygienic for a start." I nod although I'm still trying my hardest not to smirk. I love Roy so much but my god he can be so uptight. "People have to eat off those tables…" He continues to say and I don't even dare to look at Peter but my best guess is that he's finding it difficult not to laugh also.
"Yeah but you always give em a good clean in the morning anyway Roy." I say because it's true, I've seen him, just before he opens the place, he goes round and gives each table a quick spray and a wipe.
"That's not the point Carla and you know it." Roy says putting his little shopping bag down on a table next to him. I've upset him, I can tell.
Great, so now I've got Roy's back up as well as everyone else round here.
God, It's not as if I plan this kind of stuff.
Peter doesn't flamin help either, he actually nods at Roy like a right kiss arse and says,
"You're right Roy, We are very sorry and I can assure you that we wouldn't have done anything further than kiss." I don't even have to look at Peter to know that that is complete rubbish.
We would have done more than kiss and anyway what happened between Peter and me just then was more than a kiss.
It was like I finally began to feel like my old self again.
It was like reconnecting with all of those pieces of my life that have been missing for so long.
It was like coming home again.
"Well if you ask me there shouldn't even have been a kiss." Roy says.
"Yeah well no one asked you did they Roy?" I snap and I regret it immediately. Peter stares at me in horror,
"Carla come on don't be like that..." He says but Roy knows me well enough to know that I lash out when I am trying to push people away.
"Don't worry Peter, Carla is just trying to make me back away from this situation and I shall but before I go I should probably make a few things clear…"
"Are you actually giving us rules?" I ask with an eyebrow raised and I'll be the first to admit that I am acting rather pettily now.
"No I am simply stating that this is a place of business." Roy says and Peter who is still a little stunned by my behaviour, goes and sits back down on the chair that he was on before he kissed me. "Carla you know I don't mind you being here and you are more than welcome to have guests over, I just don't appreciate my tables being used for… well for anything other than eating."
"And they won't be… I promise." Peter says smiling at Roy charmingly. Roy actually looks like he wants to give Peter a right talking to but he obviously decides against it and instead he gives him a nod and makes his way upstairs.
"Sorry Roy." I say because even though I know that he hasn't took me seriously, I still feel bad about snapping at him, then I remember where he was tonight and I quickly ask "How was your night with Cathy?"
Roy turns back to look at me and for the first time in god knows how long, I think I actually see a hint of a smile on Roy's face.
"It was extremely pleasant…" he says, almost as if he is surprised at how much fun he allowed himself to have. I give him an encouraging nod because I so desperately want him to have someone else in his life. Someone other than the mess that is me of course.
"Good." I say and Roy then disappears upstairs and leaves me and Peter alone.
I turn back to face him and he is looking right at me, square in the eye so there is no escaping his intense gaze.
"Well that was a little embarrassing…" I begin as I sit back down opposite Peter.
"I'm rather glad that happened to be honest." he says.
"Really?"
"Yes, I reckon if he hadn't, things would have got very heated and very quickly." Peter says as he picks up his coffee and finishes the last little bit he has left in his cup. I nod slowly and I don't know if its because I look disappointed or because he truly means it but then Peter says, "Don't get me wrong… I would have totally ravished you on that table… But it wouldn't ave been the right thing to do… It would ave been wrong." One part of that sentence excites me and the other part makes me sad.
I so wish that we'd have had more time to kiss, to touch and to feel each other's existence and here is Peter saying that it would have been bad if we had of carried on.
"Wrong?" I say
"Yes, I didn't come back here to have sex with you Carla... I came back here to save you."
"Save me?" I scoff although we both know that he's saved me before.
He's saved me more than once in fact.
Peter obviously has a knack for reading my mind, because he then nods at me.
"Yes save you. I've done it before and I know that I can do it again. I've had more than enough practice avent I?"
"and what makes you think I need saving eh?" I ask but I know that desperately do.
I need saving from the horrible people around ere.
I need saving from the crippling guilt I feel because Maddie and Kal are no longer with us.
I need saving from myself.
Peter puts down his empty cup and then says,
"Because you're not yourself. You're hurt, you're lost, you're afraid."
"And you know that do ya?" I ask although he is right, I'm all three of those things.
"I can see it in your eyes Carla, there's no point in trying to deny it… Not with me anyway." Peter says getting up and walking over to the kitchen area of the café.
God this man is so in sync with me that it hurts.
I mean how does he still know so much about me?
How does he know every single little thing that I am thinking?
"Dy'a want another coffee?" he then asks.
"No." I mumble as Peter brazenly helps himself to some more of Roy's coffee.
He makes me one anyway, he does his and then mine.
He puts in one teaspoon of sugar and just splash of milk.
I don't make it obvious that he's just made me the perfect coffee but he knows, just like me it seems that Peter remembers every little detail.
After he's done with the drinks, Peter comes back and sits down in front of me, he sips his coffee,
"Go on then… Talk." Peter says.
"About what?" I pick up the coffee cup and even though I didn't want it, I still take a long sip.
"You… life… how you're feeling."
I gulp.
I don't want to talk. That's the last thing I want to do.
Talking makes all of this seem too real.
"Do we ave to?" I say but I know that this is going to be falling on deaf ears.
Peter is not going to let me get away with this, not this time. He nods at me
"Yes…"
I exhale and then I shake my head, tears fill my eyes and I just don't know where on earth to begin.
"Why don't you start with the fire?" Peter begins with this very bland and totally condescending tone of voice. He doesn't mean it like that but it gets my back up even so.
"What are you? Some kind of councillor?" I ask dryly. Peter gives a little chuckle and shakes his head.
"No… just some one who cares about you, very very much."
"I don't wanna talk about the fire Peter." I say quietly as a tear falls down my cheek. "Please… it's too much."
"Carla… I think we need to talk about it… the fire n everything else that has happened. We need to work out when you started to feel like this."
"Like what? You don't even know what you're talking about Peter, you may think you know but you have no idea how I feel." I say as more tears start to fall.
"Tell me then, tell me how you feel." Peter gets up and brings his chair closer to mine.
I wipe my eyes, probably smudging even more of my mascara all over my face and making myself look even more of a mess.
"Carla tell me how to make you feel better and I promise you I will do it."
He promises.
Ha!
Yeah well I've heard his promises before and look where they have got me.
Alone. Husbandless. Childless and in a world where everyone hates me.
I know it's slightly unfair to blame everything on Peter. I know that the fire and everything wasn't his doing but maybe if he had stuck around and not cheated on me then maybe I wouldn't have been so stupid to leave a candle burning.
Maybe we'd be alseep in out old bed right now… well we'd be in bed at least, I don't know if we'd be sleeping though.
It's almost eleven pm and whilst for most people it would be winding down time, that kind of time would be the time where Peter and me come alive.
It would be when we'd make love, passionately, beautifully and almost endlessly.
It would be when we'd talk about the days we've had again and talk about the things, that we had forgotten to talk about the first time around.
It would be when if we'd argued before hand and if me and Peter weren't speaking, we'd both give each other the eye and before we'd know it, we'd be back in each others arms.
It's so disheartening to think about where me and Peter would be right now if he hadn't of cheated but all I know is that we wouldn't be here in this café that's for sure.
I wouldn't be wallowing in this disgusting land of self-pity.
I wouldn't be a complete and utter shadow of my former self.
"Carla…" Peter says, reminding me that he's waiting for an answer.
"You promise?" I say and I mean it to come out sarcastically but it sounds like I'm genuinely asking him if he is making me a promise.
"I promise." Peter says and before I know it, I've leaned forward and placed another harsh kiss on his lips. I have both hands either side of his beautiful face and for a moment he responds to my kiss.
Only for a moment though, for one sublime moment he kisses me back and then he devastatingly pushes me away from him gently.
"Carla… we can't."
"Please… just kiss me Peter." I beg and then I cry.
I cry like a baby but Peter slowly shakes his head at me.
"No."
The liar.
I should have known, I should have known he wouldn't keep his promise.
"You said you'd make me feel better…" I begin "You promised me." I sob and I get up off the chair.
"Carla!" Peter shouts and he grabs my hand. "This won't make you feel better."
"It will, honestly Peter this is the most normal I've felt in ages." I say as Peter is still holding one of my hands and doing it so delicately, that it feels like he is barley touching me.
"Carla... it would be just a short term fix and whilst it would be great… in fact it would probably be the most astounding thing that me n you have ever done but that feeling wouldn't last for long and then where will you be?" Peter says and he tenderly stroking my hand now.
It feels so wonderful, so perfect and so right to have my fingers so entwined with his.
"Well we could always do it again afterwards…" I joke and Peter gives me this sexy little smirk as we sit back down.
"We could do it over and over again but eventually Carla we will ave to speak about this." He says. "That amazing post sex feeling would only last for so long."
"It would be worth it though… wouldn't it?" I ask with my head on one side, Peter shrugs casually but I sure as hell know that he wants to say yes.
"Even so… besides I don't think Roy will take to kindly to us doing anything other than eat at his precious tables." Peter says.
"Well we could always go somewhere a little more private…." I begin but then it all comes back to me.
There is nowhere on this earth that we could go.
I have no home anymore.
I can't take him back to the pub because it's not private enough and we cant exactly go to Ken's either.
"I think we should stay right here and talk." Peter says and I know that the flirtatious moment between me and him is gone.
Everything suddenly becomes serious again.
"I really don't know what you want me to say ere Peter…"
"Just say how you feel… please Carla." He begs.
I dare myself to look up and into his eyes.
I want to tell him.
I want to tell him everything but I'm so frightened.
I'm frightened because if I tell Peter everything than what next.
What happens then?
"I… feel broken." I eventually get out. Peter nods slightly and obvious wants me to continue. "I feel like everything I touch, everyone that I touch… Peter I feel like I wreck everything."
"Carla you do not…"
"Yes I do." I say, not letting Peter start sticking up for me. "I ave been through it over and over again in me head and I cannot think of a single thing in my life that I haven't managed to mess up."
"What about Underworld?" Peter says and I let out a sarcastic laugh.
"The factory? Please… I mean whilst I enjoy my job and it's important to me… It's not what I mean when I say I wreck everything."
"So what do you mean?" Peter asks.
"Oh come on Peter, you'd ave to be a moron to ave not realised that every single person that has ever got close me, is either dead or not talking to me now."
"That's not true, you ave Michelle for a start and Roy." Peter says.
"Michelle and Roy don't count." I say quickly.
"Oh they don't huh?"
"No, Michelle only puts up with me because I'm practically family and Roy only does it for Hayley's sake."
"Oh Carla that is the biggest load of rubbish I've heard since I got back ere. They put up with you because you genuinely are one of the most amazing women they've ever met." Peter says attentively, "Besides… you've got me and don't you dare tell me that I don't count."
I shrug because I don't know what else to do.
I suppose I have got him. After the messages we'd been leaving each other on voicemail and after the fact that he travelled hundreds of miles just to come here and help me out, well I guess I have definitely got Peter Barlow to lean on.
"You asked me earlier when the last time that I felt normal was… it were that night, when we were in the pub and I accidentally ended up telling everyone that I were pregnant... It were then." I say.
That was the last time that I truly felt normal and that was more than a year ago. How crazy is that?
Peter is reading my mind and says
"But Carla that was over a year ago…" He's feeling guiltily again. I can tell. It's all in his eyes this time.
"Believe me Peter, you don't have to tell me how long ago that all was. I'm not able to think of anything else sometimes."
It's funny because a year is such a short amount of time but some how, it also feels like a lifetime away.
"So you've been feeling this way since then?" he then asks. The guilt he is feeling becoming more and more evident on his face. I nod but then I say
"I'm not saying I've been totally miserable since then, yeah I've had a few good times and to everyone else it probably seemed like I was completely over it all but deep down… Peter deep down I'm just as heartbroken as I was when you left."
Peter actually looks as if he is going to cry. His eyes are glassy and I'm sure that his bottom lip actually wobbles as he says,
"Carla… I know that I've said this before but I am so sorry, I cannot say it enough..."
There's an uncomfortable silence as we both try to dance around the fact that we still need to talk about the affair.
I don't want to talk about that home wrecking slut and I know that he doesn't either.
"So… what else did Michelle tell you then?" I ask avoiding the Tina topic as much as I can.
"Well… she called me and left me a message, it were a week or so after that last one I'd left you. She just said that she was worried about you how she knew that I could help." Peter says "She was so scared, I could hear it in her voice. She said she felt like a shit friend and that all she wanted to do was help you."
I feel so bad.
Michelle is not a bad friend. Nowhere near.
I really don't want her to be thinking like that. She is my best mate and she's been so supportive to me over the past few weeks.
Maybe I should have treated her better, I'll have to tell her the next time that I see her. I'll have to show her how much I love her. I fight back more tears and then say,
"I really hate that Michelle is so worried about me. She's a newly wed for god sake. This should be the best time of her and Steve's life and yet she's too busy fussing over me."
"Yeah well she doesn't ave to now I'm ere. I'll be the one doing all the fussing from now on." Peter says. I feel my cheeks rise and I know that I'm smiling at him, in what I'm sure is a ridiculously cheesy fashion. "There it is…" Peter says and whilst I'm still smiling, I'm now confused.
"What?"
"I've been waiting to see that stunning smile all night."
God this guy is so smooth.
This so shouldn't be happening, I should be stubborn and stiff with him and yet as he smiles back at me, I feel as if I'm melting. He knows exactly how to get around me and I am powerless to stop it.
"Well I don't ave much to smile about these days Peter." I say
"Y'know me and Michelle had this big conversation about you and the one thing that we both agreed on is that you don't deserve any of the crap that you have been through." Says Peter.
"Yeah well who does? I mean shit happens Peter… why it always has to happen to me? I don't know but… I'd rather it be me than someone good, someone like Roy."
"You are good Carla. Yeah you might not be a saint but I can honestly tell you that you have one of the biggest and purest hearts that I've ever come across. Honestly every time I hear you put your self down it breaks my heart a little." Peter says and then he shakes his head miserably and the smile he once had starts to fade. "I'm the bad one. I'm the one who made you feel this way."
"Oi… this is my time to feel sorry for me self…" I say giving Peter a slight kick under the table. "Don't you dare try and take this away from me." I grin as Peter tries to dodge another kick.
"Sorry." He says and I kick him again "Ow stop it."
"Stop saying sorry as well, It's getting well old and from now on I'm gonna kick you every time you say the word sorry." I say. I'm trying to make a joke but Peter doesn't look like he's in the jokey mood. "And just for the record, you're not bad person either… you're a good man. I mean ere you are, after all this time."
"Of course I'm ere… I know that this is supposed to be your time and that... but I haven't been living the life of luxury up in Portsmouth. It's been really hard to try and get over you and"
"Good…" I interrupt. "I'm glad. In fact I want it to be damn near impossible for you to get over me." I say. I want it to be that way because that's what it's like to get over him.
Not that I'm anywhere near getting over him and I doubt I ever will be.
"Trust me… it is impossible Carla and what I was going to say before you butted in." Peter grins "Was that the moment I stepped foot back onto those cobbles, well that was the moment I started to feel as if this is truly where I'm meant to be."
There's another silence as Peter takes another sip of coffee and I fiddle away with one of the sliver bracelets that I'm never seen without.
We both keep quiet for a moment and in the end I'm the one who speaks first.
"So what else did Michelle say then?" I ask.
I ask this, when all I want to do is kiss him again but I know that he isn't going to allow me that pleasure.
Peter looks back at me and I can see it in the tear that dribbles down his stubbly cheek, that Michelle has told him something else.
"She said that you felt worthless and that… you wish it were you that had died instead..."
"Oh…" I gulp.
"Is that true Carla?" Peter asks, another tear running down his face.
It's true.
I did say that. I did feel that way.
Did.
Not anymore.
Don't get me wrong I'm still a murdering cow and I still hate myself for it but this man who is sitting right in front of me, yes the one who caused me the most pain that I've ever felt in me whole life…
Well he is also the only one who could have done this to me.
He is the only one who could have made me feel worth something again.
He is the only one.