I am slowly but surely starting to get somewhere with Carla.
It's not the perfect situation but hey, what is?
I mean at least she called me back earlier, at least she let me into the café and at least she is talking to me.
Carla's actually opening up to me like she used to, She's beginning to tell me things, to tell me how she's feeling, well she is when she's not trying to kiss me of course.
Weeks ago, before I'd even got her first message on my phone, I would have never dreamed that I'd be turning down her kiss, never, not in a million years.
Even when I think about it now I still cant believe I managed to push her away from me.
I can't shake off the way that her lips felt against mine, it was such a warm and welcoming feeling, like coming home from a long holiday… Only somehow at the it also felt new, like it was the start of a new beginning or something.
The whole experience of kissing Carla again was purely mesmerising, Her hands roamed through my hair and down my body, they pulled at my shirt and its almost as if I can still feel them there, it's like she's left her fingerprints all over me.
Her eyes are still red, she still has make up smudged underneath them and her hair is still a mess, almost wild in fact and yet… She is still so incredibly captivating? even when she's in this complete state.
She's totally irresistible, and I know that I'm gonna have to keep her at an arms length, just in case either one of us gets the inevitable urge to kiss again.
I was so relived when Roy interrupted us, relived because I don't think I would have had the strength to stop it by myself.
Roy though… he didn't look impressed to see me at all but deep down, I reckon that he was pretty glad I was there, In fact I almost got the feeling he was a little relived that there's someone else here to help Carla.
She still hasn't answered me though, I just asked her if what she said to Michelle is true, and if that she truly wishes that she were dead.
It's such a harrowing and horrifying question, that I barley even got it out but I had to ask her it, I just had to know.
There are tears in her eyes and she's stopped looking at me properly now, she's trying to look past me, at the door behind me and then down at her bracelets. She's fiddling away at one of them and I almost smile because it's something she's done ever since I've known her. She always plays about with it when she's anxious about something and sometimes she would get so consumed with the way that the charms moved between her fingers, that she'd forget where she is and what she was supposed to be doing.
"Carla…" I say, shocking her out of her daydream. "Please… please tell me that you don't still wish that you were dead, please tell me that coming back here has made you feel at least a little bit better." I really need to hear that she doesn't feel that way anymore, I need her to tell me I've changed that feeling, I desperately need her to.
I actually don't know what I'll do if she tells me otherwise, What if she tells me that me being here hasn't helped in the slightest? What if she tells me that she still wishes that she was dead?
I had the most terrifying dream last night, I dreamt that I was too late, that I got here and she'd already departed from this world.
I dreamt that I walked into the ruins of her old flat and she was there, on the floor, her eyes closed her body cold. I dreamt that she was surrounded by pills and a bottle of vodka and I don't think I've ever had such a vivid dream in my life, it felt so real and I woke up in such a state that I never got back to sleep.
"Peter, you being here is..." Carla begins and there's this supremely magical moment where I thinks that she'll tell me that I've done good, that I've made her change her mind but then she doesn't say anything of the sort. She still continues but she just has to blame herself, "Well whatever it is… it doesn't change the fact that I am responsible for the deaths of two people, two decent, kind, loving and innocent people… It's not fair that they are gone and I'm not." Carla says, wiping her cheeks and shaking her head quickly, as if she's trying to shake off the entire conversation.
"Carla… life isn't fair... I mean you said so your self, shit happens and you cannot let something like this define the rest of your life."
"That's just it Peter… I feel like I have no life, I'm not me anymore, I don't go out, I don't have fun… I just have this senseless existence, No one would care if I were here or not, I mean Chelle would at first but she'd get over it, she's married now and she should be concentrating on that, I want her to concentrate on it, I really do… I mean I of all people know how marriages can just…" Carla stops talking and then just shrugs.
"This is my fault... I mean I feel like if I'd have been here, if things hadn't of gone the way they went…" I begin. If I hadn't of cheated on her then we'd still be together and Carla would even be in this situation at all. "Maybe things wouldn't have got this bad."
"Well finally we agree on something…" Carla says, then she pauses, she pauses for about five seconds and I am so not prepared for what she says next. "Y'know when we got married… you told me that I would feel no rain, that you would be my shelter. You said that I wouldn't feel the cold because you would keep me warm…" I swallow as Carla has just said my exact wedding vows back to me. The way she just said them to me, memorised them, it's almost haunting. It's as if they are echoing right through my soul. Her breathing has changed now as well, It's heavy and slow and then she says, "Well thanks to you, I feel no rain, no cold… because I don't flamin feel anything!"
"Carla…"
"You were supposed to look after me…" She interrupts and she's struggling to keep calm now. "You promised me that you would and look at me… look at me Peter! Look at the state that I'm in!" Her voice is raised and before I know she hits me, hard on my chest with a closed fist. "This is all your fault!" and she's almost inconsolably sobbing at this point.
Somehow we went from getting somewhere, to actually talking, to this, to shouting, almost screaming in fact.
Maybe that's what she needs, to scream and shout, to let it all out.
Maybe getting it all out of her system is what she needs to recover from this, maybe then she'll realise that I'm still not going anywhere, I'll stay here all night if I have to.
"Speak to me Peter…" Carla then cries, she wipes her nose and then hits me again, "Say something you idiot!"
"Carla… I am so…" But then she actually slaps me around the face, it doesn't hurt but it shocks me all the same.
"Don't you say you're sorry, I mean how many times ave I heard that word from you? Sorry doesn't change the fact that you took everything from me, that you just chucked our relationship away." She says her voice is still quite loud and I'm worried that Roy is going to get concerned, that he'll come down and tell me to go.
"Carla I know that I messed up but I'm here now."
"It's too late Peter…" She cries,
"No… it's never too late Carla… I'm not giving up on you and I never will, please just let me help you." I say as I feel the tears start falling down my cheeks. Carla is shocked to see me crying too, she's quiet for a moment as I wipe my eyes.
"What did you think would happen when you came back ere? Did you think that I would just melt into your arms and forget everything? Did you think that I'd forget that you shagged someone else for months and that you were even planning to run away with her?"
"I didn't think for one second that you would forget, in fact I'm glad that you haven't forgotten because if you had, then I would have really been worried about you, I would have though that there was no hope left, but you know what? The fact that you have a least kept hold of some of your senses and have clearly not forgotten what I've did, well that's enough Carla, It's enough for me to believe that you will be able to get past all of this."
"I'll never forget what you did to me Peter, ever…" Carla says and she is almost glaring at me now, her eyes are so full of pain and yet every time I look into them, I know that she is going to make it. "I might have kissed you earlier but know that we are never getting back together… ever."
"Oh I realise that." I say because it's clear to me that she means it and whilst it kills me, I have to respect her decision. Carla looks a little taken aback now, she looks as if she was expecting me to say something else but she still goes ahead and says,
"Good." We sit opposite each other in silence for a moment, both of us trying hard not to stare at the other for too long, too much eye contact is a dangerous thing in a situation like this, situations like this always end up one of two ways…
Either I end up being pushed right out of the door or we end up in each other's pants.
Neither of those things can happen tonight though and I am going to do anything in my power to make sure that they don't.
We've both been silent for a long time now, I look down at my watch just to see what time it is but Carla sees this as another reason to have a go at me and says,
"Is there somewhere you'd rather be Peter? Because if I'm boring you then please… go ahead." She gestures over to the door of the café. I shake my head at her, she is so sarcastic and it's something that I've always adored about her, that amazing ability she has to sass her way through anything.
"I'm fine just here."
"You sure? you aint got some other woman somewhere, waiting for you to come and rescue her too?" She says with an eyebrow raised, I frown and shake my head at her because even she knows that she is being ridiculous. "Well given your history, I wouldn't put it past you." She then says, reaching forward for a sip of the probably cold coffee.
"You know we can go over the affair again and again…" I say which makes Carla to look back at me, "but it's not going to change the fact that what's done is done."
"What's done is done?" Carla scoffs, "You know I was actually sitting ere blaming myself for what you did with Tina, I was actually sitting there thinking that I could have been a better wife to you, that I could have done more and you're telling me that what's done is done? You bastard."
"Carla... I want you to listen to me and listen to me good, what I did with Tina was not your fault, it was all mine. I put my ego first and whilst it was the stupidest thing I've ever done, bringing it all up and talking about it when me and you are not going to get back together will not make the slightest bit of difference… will it?"
"I guess not." Carla sighs looking at me attentively "Don't think you're off the hook though, I may blame myself for parts of your sleazy little affair but there's still a whole heap of stuff that you're to blame for."
"Yeah well we could play the blame game all night long Carla, we could shout at each other and call each other names but you know what? it won't change a single thing and it won't change the fact that we both still love each other." Carla lets out a very dry laugh but she doesn't correct me.
She still loves me and she knows it.
The very idea of it is tormenting her, I can tell.
"Are you not going to talk now is that it?" I ask and Carla just continues to stare ahead some more, she stares for a very long time and I'm beginning to think that she thinks if she holds out long enough that I might give up and go.
There's not a chance in hell of that happening though. It's almost midnight now, and as Carla yawns I wonder just how much sleep's she's had over the past few days, weeks even.
"Are you sleeping Carla?" I ask "At night I mean." Carla shakes her head at me.
"I might get a few hours ere and there but no… not really." She says and yawns again, I catch her yawn and she mistakes it for me being tired too and says, "Look Peter, if you want to go then… I wouldn't blame ya."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"But Peter all we seem to be doing is arguing." Carla says and I laugh, I don't mean it but I do. Carla frowns, confused. "What?"
"Carla I'd rather be here and argue with you, than be anywhere else in the world." I say, "Besides this is how me and you operate, we shout, we scream, we argue , we lash out at each other and then…"
"Then what?" Carla asks, she has her head on one side and when I don't answer her because the thing we'd normally do next, is something that I ache for and yet it's something that I'm trying so hard to avoid, she shakes her head and says, "Then we'd kiss… we'd probably take each others clothes off and we probably go to bed together… is that what we'd do Peter?" Her eyes are wide and she has a distinct look of longing. The one she had earlier, the one I just simply couldn't resist.
I still don't answer her at first, I know what she is trying to do here and I know that I am probably weak enough to fall for it, she's done it before.
In the past, when I was still with Leanne and I made it clear that I just wanted to be her friend she still managed to get me to lean in, she still managed to kiss me… Obviously I kissed her back, I should have known right there and then that I loved her.
"Come on Peter… It's your turn to speak to me ere… tell me what we'd do if this was one of our normal fights." Carla says, her tone is laced with lust and as she leans forward on the chair and rests her elbows on the table, her be-witching gaze never fails to leave mine.
"This isn't one of our normal fights though is it? This is not a normal situation and I don't want it to be." I eventually manage to get out.
"Yes you do." Carla says.
"No I don't." I lie because I'd give anything for this to be one of our old spats.
I'd give anything for this to be one of the many arguments we'd have about Tracy or Rob or about the factory.
I'd give anything to be able to end this with a kiss but I can't, I can't go back there with Carla unless I know it would be forever. It's torture knowing she wont ever give me another chance but it would be more torture to give in to my urges.
I don't know why I bothered lying because, Carla doesn't believe me anyway.
"You know I may be stupid enough to still love you Peter and I may be stupid enough to leave a candle burning in me own flat but I am not stupid enough to believe that right now, you don't want to kiss me, that you don't want the taste of my lips on yours and that you don't want to take me on this very table… You're right though, what's done is done and no matter what happens here tonight… you're still a cheating scumbag and I'm still a murder."
"I am a cheating scumbag…" I nod "That much is definitely true but let me tell you something Carla… whilst you may be many things but you are not a murderer."
There is no way that I'm letting her think like this.
I've had enough. I move my chair so that I'm now right in front of her as she says,
"I am."
"Carla, It was an accident."
"Yeah so people keep saying… Peter it was my fault…" I am trying my very best to be patient with this gorgeous woman but as she keeps saying that it was her fault, my patience is wearing very thin.
"It wasn't Carla..." I interrupt but then she goes and interrupts me.
"Would you just listen to me Peter, it was my flat, my candle, my fault!" Carla cries, tears are spilling down her cheeks now and I feel so helpless, so useless because I cannot seem to stop her from crying.
This guilt she has, is embedded right into her soul, and I have to get it out… I have to get it out for good. I shake my head and I take Carla by the shoulders.
"No… you listen to me Carla and listen good because I am only going to say this one more time." I say it firmly and I think that she's going to tell me to stop but she looks up and me, her green eyes wide, still red and still teary but they are completely focused on me and that's all I care about. "That fire was just one of those totally messed up situations, it was one of those things that we cannot have predicted, It could have happened in anyone's flat, and d'ya know what else… it was an accident, do you understand me? An accident…" Carla goes to shake her head but I stop her "No… don't you dare shake your head, I know that you feel guilty for what happened but the amount of guilt that you feel is just not justified and if you keep letting it eat away at you like this, than it will destroy you."
"I feel like it already has." Carla says, almost chocking on her tears again.
"No… It hasn't not yet. Carla I've been here, I've been where you are, I've felt so low that I just didn't care what happened to me but trust me when I say that it does get better…" Carla still looks unconvinced, so I move even closer and I let go of her shoulders and take her hand instead. "Carla when you went to sleep that night did you plan on setting fire to your own flat and having two people die?" She frowns at me and says,
"No of course not."
"Exactly and when Steve crashed that mini bus a few months back do you think that he planned it?" I ask. Carla shakes her head slowly and says,
"No."
"And what about that tram crash a few years back, do you think the driver of that tram planned it?"
"No, it were just… an accident." Carla says. It's suddenly as if what I'm saying finally strikes a chord with her, "It's not the same Peter…" She says but I can see her re-evaluating everything now."
"Si told me that Kal was in that building to rescue Leanne, no one made him go in there, no one made him do that, he knew all the risks, it was a choice that he made all on his own."
"But he wouldn't ave needed to make that choice if it weren't for me would he?" Carla says, rather predictably if I'm honest.
"If it weren't for the fire, which was an accident." The word accident is becoming jargon to me, I've said it so often. "Say it with me Carla, say it was an accident and that you will get past this."
"I can't…" Carla sobs, shaking her head despairingly.
"Yes you can, I know you can… Say it Carla… Please Carla, Please say it." I beg as tears fall down my cheeks again. Carla takes a deep breath, there are still tears streaming down her beautiful face too and for a second I think she's not going to do it but then she nods, just the once and says very quietly,
"It was…" she stops and sniffs hard but I nod encouraging at her, praying that she will be able to continue. "It was an accident."
"Good…" I smile nervously, "Say it again Carla, only this time make sure you add that you will get past this." I tell her this because I really want Carla to truly believe what she is saying. She hesitates for a moment but I don't dare withdraw my gaze. I keep looking into those remarkable eyes of hers, I keep looking so that she knows that I believe in her and that I have not lost hope.
"It was an accident… and I will get past this." She says and even though I'm trying to stay away from her because I don't trust my self to get too close, I lean over and put my arms around her. Her arms go right around me within the second and I now know that I can bring the old Carla back.