I'm stunned.
Shocked, appalled and completely unable to believe what I just found out.
I mean none of this makes sense and there's a part of me that wishes I never heard it but at the same time I am so grateful.
How can she have done this?
How can she have put the blame on Carla like that?
My own sister. I mean I know that she is capable of many, many things but this has really crossed the line.
She actually let Carla believe that she was responsible for the fire.
I have about a hundred questions about what happened but I really don't know where to begin.
I mean how do you ask a member of your own family why and how they managed to kill two people?
It's not exactly general conversation, is it?
Tracy is stood there, staring at me with a look of pure fear in her eyes. I don't think she knows what I'm going to do next… hell I don't even know what I'm going to do next and neither does my Dad by the looks of it.
It all started when I got back from being out with Carla and Simon for the night. We had such a great time together, it didn't quite go to plan and we ended up missing the movie but it was perfect all the same.
Carla and Simon got on so well, a far cry from the way they used to be.
They messed about together and almost started ganging up on me at one point. Seeing them bonding so much was such a sight to see that I just couldn't help but smile my way through the evening.
On the way home I could sense that Carla was getting nervous about sleeping alone. I still know her like the back of my hand and as I took her to Roy's there was a moment where I thought… okay I more like prayed that she would invite me in.
We kissed again earlier, It was only a little one and I don't know what it means but I do know that something special is happening, something beautiful and something so pure that I have to make sure that I don't mess it up this time.
I know she'll never take me back but I honestly think we could be friends again… best friends.
It's not ideal but I could cope with that, I really think I could cope as long as I could still be part of her life.
She didn't invite me in but I reckon that was because she was trying to show me that she is tough, that she is able to make it on her own and I decided that I was going to let her have that chance… although I made sure she was armed with something else of mine to sleep in.
She looked thrilled when I gave it to her and I wonder if she's wearing it right now, I wonder if she's got it on with my T-Shirt and I wonder if she's sitting there with it wrapped around her body and I wonder if she is thinking of me like I am of her.
I wonder it so much that for a second I forget the situation that is right in front of me.
How could I forget?
The moment I got into the house, Tracy started on me.
She went on and on.
Telling me not to be stupid, to stay away from Carla.
Telling me that she was a murderer, a train wreck and that I needed to stay well clear.
I ignored all of this at first and just went and made my self a coffee in the kitchen but my Dad didn't.
Despite the unconventional way we got together, my Dad has always been a fan of Carla. He's always admired her strength and he's always been one of the few people that knew how misunderstood she could be. He knows how vulnerable she can be at times and he knows just how much she loved me.
Dad told Tracy to be quiet and that he'd had quite enough of her Carla bashing for one night. I was watching this all from the kitchen wondering whether Tracy would stop, only she wasn't smart enough to keep her mouth shut on this occasion and ended up revealing the true horror of what happened in this fire at Victoria Court.
"Dad you can't blame me for hating her. I mean the woman was supposed to be looking after my child and yet there she was, passed out on her sofa, blind drunk and she left a candle left burning on a cabinet full of flammable stuff for god sake!"
"Where was the candle?" Amy asked sitting upright, she had been dozing off on the sofa but now she was all ears, looking up at her mother in confusion.
It was then that Tracy must have realised what she just said because she suddenly looked very nervous, scared and worried that she had just blown it.
Oh she blew it alright, she blew it big time.
After weeks of keeping it to herself, Tracy's secret was out.
She tried to act otherwise though, she tried to pretend like nothing was wrong.
"On the cabinet…" Tracy said, "Y'know like you told me it was when you went to bed."
"No I didn't." Amy said frowning,
"Yes you did Amy." Tracy said with her eyes wide, her tone of voice told her daughter to shut up but Amy wasn't one to pay attention to that sort of thing.
"No I didn't… why would I? Carla and me lit the candle on her coffee table, it was nowhere near anything flammable… She wouldn't have moved it… She didn't move it." Amy said and it was then that I came out of the kitchen and looked at my sister.
She looked guilty as sin and from that moment I knew that she'd done something. I mean how else would she have known where this candle was burning?
Dad knew something was up as well, he casually sent Amy to bed, although he was in state of shock and as Amy went reluctantly into her bedroom, Tracy got up off the sofa and tried to say that she was also going to bed.
"Tracy!" My Dad said, getting up and stopping her from leaving the living room. She swallowed hard and bit her lip as I continued to stare at her.
"What?" She eventually says, "What are ya looking at me like that for?"
"Tracy… tell me that you didn't have anything to do with that fire." Dad says even though I can tell by the look on her face that she had everything to do with it.
It's completely obvious and yet it's not completely obvious why?
Why on earth would she have started a fire in Carla's flat?
Why on earth was she in there in the first place and why the hell did she let Carla take the blame for it all?
"Don't be stupid Dad." Tracy says but the lack of confidence in her voice tells us both that she is lying.
"Tracy…" I say moving closer to her, "Tracy what the hell did you do?"
"Peter…" Tracy said shaking her head, trying to pretend as if she is in shock or something. "I didn't do anything."
"Don't lie to me Tracy." I say shaking my head, my whole body is shaking now because I'm getting so angry that I can barley control myself.
"Sit down Peter." My Dad says because he's watching me and he can tell that I'm starting to lose it.
"No!" I cry and I make sure that I am looking Tracy in the eye when I speak, "What the hell did you do Tracy?"
"Nothing!" she shouts back but she is lying through her teeth.
"Then how did you know where that candle was?" I ask, Tracy rolls her teary eyes and shrugs at me… she actually has the nerve to shrug like this is just a general conversation and not a situation where innocent people have died, where an innocent woman has gone through hell and back because of it.
"I didn't… I made a mistake that's all." Tracy says adamantly, hoping that me and Dad will leave it and believe her but unfortunately for Tracy I've known her long enough to know when she is lying.
"You're lying... aren't you?" Dad says and the way he is looking at Tracy makes my heart break a little. He's looking at her with such disappointment and he is almost in tears as he says again. "You're lying Tracy."
"Dad I'm not…" She begins but even she can't ignore the wretched look on my Dad's face as he says,
"You had something to do with that fire didn't you… that's why you were so upset afterwards… that's why you kept saying you'd done something wrong… isn't it." Tracy takes a deep breath and then nods at my Dad.
That's it.
The truth is finally out and I swear I have never felt so relieved yet so bloody angry at the same time.
It's a really strange feeling, it has me unable to move, stuck still on my feet, rooted to the spot but it also has me wanting to race across the street and tell Carla everything.
She has to know that it wasn't her fault, she just has to but I need to stick around for the moment… I know that I've got to hear what kind of ridiculous excuse Tracy is going to come up with to explain all of this.
"I didn't mean to do it." Tracy begins, tears pouring down her cheeks, her entire body shaking just like mine was earlier… only I have no sympathy for this woman… none at all. "I went into Carla's flat… I had keys that I took from Michelle and I just didn't know what I was doing… I lit the candle so that I could see and then I saw this picture of Rob." Tracy starts crying properly now, she puts her head in her hands for a moment as my Dad says,
"But Tracy you still haven't explained why you were in Carla's flat in the first place?"
He's right, why the hell was she there? What the hell was she thinking?
"Because I wanted to hurt her okay!" Tracy cries, wiping her face and sniffing, "She took everything from me that day she called the police on Rob and I just wanted to hurt her... as I said I didn't know what I was doing but I swear it was an accident, I put the candle down and ran out of her flat… it was only when I walked past the building later that I saw that it was on fire."
"Then why the hell didn't you say something?" I say, "Why let everyone blame Carla for it?"
"Because I saw it as revenge." Tracy said, "She ruined my life and I saw it as a way to ruin hers."
"For god sake Tracy what the hell has Carla ever done to you?" I say angrily and I actually think I scare her because she flinches and goes and hides behind my Dad... not that he could stop me from doing anything because he is utterly speechless from all of the information that he has just heard.
"She ruined my wedding day Peter!" Tracy said but this only makes me angrier.
I mean I'm her bloody brother for god sake and here she is acting like she would have preferred it if I had stayed inside for a crime that I didn't commit.
"You need help Tracy… seriously." I begin, "You do realise that Rob killed someone… he murdered someone in cold blood and all Carla did was do the right thing." Tracy goes to say something but my Dad interrupts her.
He finally speaks again.
"Peter is right… Tracy your behaviour is not normal."
"Dad I didn't mean it…" Tracy began but she was interrupted again,
"I don't mean the fire I mean the way you've been acting since then… completely normal… as if nothing has happened." Dad says shaking his head. "Do you feel no guilt at all?" he asks.
"Of course I've felt guilty Dad…" Tracy says looking down, she's clearly ashamed at what she is has done… that I can tell but I still don't want to give her the time of day, What I really want is it go and find Carla… to tell her that it was my selfish little sister who started the fire that ruined her life and that she no longer has to feel guilty anymore.
Imagine the relief that she'll feel… imagine how much better it would make her feel to know that she isn't responsible for Kal and Maddie's deaths.
"Carla has been through hell and back these past few weeks Tracy." I say, "She's been thinking all sorts of horrible thoughts, drinking her self to sleep and thats when she's not crying herself to sleep and ere you are saying that you feel guilty."
"Oh what would you know about it Peter?" Tracy says shaking her head at me, "You've barley been ere… you don't know anything about what's been happening and you can't just come swanning back and think you know it all."
"Well that's where you are wrong Tracy… because whilst I aven't been ere, I've been in contact with Carla and then I spent all night with her. She has been totally guilt ridden. Now I don't mean that she has had a guilty thought every now n then, I mean she has been completely consumed by guilt, it has taken over her soul Tracy." I say, and then I go and pick up the phone.
"What are you doing?" Tracy asks me but she fully well knows what I am doing, "Peter you can't call the police." She says frantically, "Dad stop him."
My Dad looks worried as I hold the phone in my hands.
I'm not even sure what I'm doing with it but I know that the lies have to stop.
Now that the truth has come out it's not going back in.
"I'm not gonna call the police…" I begin, looking at Tracy intently. "You are…"
"Peter… it was an accident." Tracy cries, more tears make their way down her face but I still don't feel sorry for her, not one little bit. In fact I'm finding hard to believe that she's even a part of my family right now.
Whilst we aren't blood related and whilst we've really had our moments, I've always felt that Tracy was my proper sister… until now.
I can barley look at her right now.
"It may have been an accident Tracy but you cannot continue to let Carla take the blame for this… it isn't fair." My Dad says taking hold of Tracy's hand.
"Dad I'll get arrested… I'll go to prison!" Tracy says, "What about Amy?"
"You didn't care about Amy when you were busy setting fire to Carla's flat." I mutter indignantly.
"I didn't know Amy was there you idiot and for the last time I didn't mean to start the fire." Tracy says and then suddenly Amy appears in the living room. Her eyes are wide and she is staring at her mother in complete shock.
"You started the fire?" she says looking puzzled.
"No of course not." Tracy says with a nervous smile, Amy doesn't believe her though.
"But that's what you just said." Amy says, My Dad takes her by the hand and says,
"Your Uncle and Mum are talking about something else, come on let's go to bed." Amy gives Tracy a scared look, as she's lead out of the room, one that so obviously says, I know that you're lying.
"See what you've done now?" Tracy says staring at me and shaking her head.
"Me?" I say shaking my head back at her. I beginning to think that this woman is seriously deranged. What goes through her head?
"Look Peter… I get it, I understand that I did a terrible thing but think about Amy… she really doesn't deserve this."
"And what Carla does? She deserves to think that she is responsible for two deaths." I ask. Tracy doesn't answer me because she can't answer me. "That's what I thought." I say brandishing the phone. "Call em Tracy… call the police or I will."
Tracy doesn't do anything at first, she just cries pathetically but she eventually takes the phone off me. She holds it in her hands for a while and then puts it down on the table.
"Peter… look we can tell Carla, we can go and tell her right now that it was all my fault and then she'll be okay. She'll be fine and we don't ave to let anyone else know about it."
"No… that's not good enough Tracy." I say, "Everyone needs to know about this… it's unfair for Carla to take the blame for a moment longer, y'know every time she sees Sophie and The Nazir's she looks as if her heart is breaking, They all blame her… This has to stop… it has to stop now."
I pick it up the phone again and then Tracy sighs exasperatedly at me and says,
"Oh go on then… call the police on your own sister… that's what she did… Carla, she called the police on her own brother, boy you two really are made for each other."
"I'm glad you think so." I say before putting the phone down and walking out the living room.
I'm not going to call the police. Not now anyway.
I'm going to tell Carla.
I have to tell Carla.