So…
Something incredible happened last night.
Something that I was not expecting and something that I'm almost thinking could be a dream.
I wouldn't be surprised not with the way my mixed up mind has been over the past few weeks.
Peter somehow got this crazy confession out of Tracy and then came to tell me about it.
She told him that she started the fire in Victoria Court.
Well she didn't tell him he worked it out and she tried to deny it but the truth all came spilling out in the end.
She told him that she lit that candle and then left it there, in my flat.
I mean...
My first thought was that Peter was lying, my second… was to go and kick that stupid bitch's arse.
Peter wasn't about to let me go and beat up his little sister no matter how much she deserved it.
He ended up stopping me from leaving and as much as I tried to tempt him out of the way, I failed.
That kiss was pretty damn special though. I almost forgot all about Tracy when we were lip to lip and when I finally did remember about her, Peter had already caught on to what I was doing.
I know I keep saying it but he knows me way too well.
Roy came out of his bedroom shortly after my master plan to leave had been foiled and said that he didn't think it was a good idea for me to go and give Tracy a smack either.
There is just something inside of me that wants to do exactly what Roy says.
I don't know why but I feel like I just have to listen to him, he's such a lovely and kind man and if I'm honest his advice has never steered me wrong yet.
He was so calm when he found out it was Tracy who was responsible for the fire,
How does he do that? How does he keep him self so composed in such a situation?
I wish I could be more like him I really do but I'm just wired a hell of a lot differently than he is.
I guess it's true… opposites do attract and that's probably why we've been able to stay such good friends.
He asked Peter if he's going to inform the police and Peter nodded but I'm not so sure if that's a good idea.
I've been awake for a long time, thinking a lot about Amy, well everything really and the one thing that I keep coming back to is that she really doesn't deserve any of this.
She's just a kid.
Her mother has already been to prison once before and it's not fair on her if I send Tracy back there.
I don't think the police would arrest Tracy anyway… It'll be her word against mine and I'm not sure I have it in me to go through loads of police questioning again.
I've had enough courtroom dramas to save me a lifetime.
I still don't understand what the hell Tracy was doing in my flat but I'm not going to dwell on it for too long… I guess I have to start trying to move forward... but how do you move forward after being stuck still for so long?
Maybe I should just focus on the here and now.
That sounds like a plan.
So right now... right now I'm laying on Roy's sofa in Peter's arms and I have to say I have no intention of moving from here anytime soon.
Right now I feel so safe and so protected.
It's a odd feeling because recently I have felt so frightened and so scared that I was destined to be alone, that I honestly thought I would never feel safe again.
I thought that my life was well and truly over this time last week and now… well now I feel like it's finally going to get back on track.
We didn't notice Roy creeping back into his bedroom last night but I'm guessing it was because he kind of felt like a third wheel.
Peter did his usual thing of calming me right down and we talked a little bit more about things, he reckons that he's going to go round and make sure that everyone knows what Tracy did but we'll just see about that.
I don't think his Dad is gonna take too kindly to that idea, Ken is a good honourable man but people do change when it comes to their children.
After being sat together on the sofa… well it didn't take long for Peter and me to get more than a little bit comfortable with each other.
I kissed him first, I'll admit that but he was the one who put his hands in my hair and pulled me towards him.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up sat on his lap with my shirt undone and my inhibitions out the window.
We kissed passionately for a while but the thought that Roy Cropper was fast asleep only a few metres away was definitely in the back of both of our minds.
"Hmm I don't think the landlord would approve of this type of behaviour on his sofa." Peter breathed, clinging onto my hips like he was never going to let me go.
"Oh he definitely wouldn't approve of this." I said looking down and my rather exposed chest with a grin.
We could have gone into my bedroom I suppose but I think we both know that maybe we need to take things slow.
We are not back together by any means but then again… I don't want him to be anywhere but here… with me.
I lay still in Peter's arms for ages and eventually I get up because I need a wee and when I come back I see Peter, up, awake stretching and yawning.
"Morning…" I smile stupidly, sitting back down on the sofa next to him and resisting the urge to give him another kiss.
As I said we are not back together but there is a huge part of me who wants to shower him with hundreds of kisses.
"Morning." Peter says putting his arms back down and giving me a lazy smile. "Sleep well?"
I nod because I really did sleep well.
"Wow… that's the second night in a row." Peter says with a smirk,
"I know right, I better be careful, this might turn into a habit." I say, running a hand through my hair. Peter watches me for a moment and then his face goes all serious and he has like look which says that he means business. "What?"
"I meant what I said last night… I want everyone to know that it wasn't you."
"I know you do it's just… I'm not sure." I begin and then Peter stands up.
"Carla… the truth has to come out. Those families deserve to know that it was Tracy responsible for their deaths." He says and I know that he is right but I still shake my head.
"I know that Peter but…"
"But what?" Peter asks, head on one side ready to tear down what ever I say next.
"Well at least with me I had no family to be affected by any of this." I say, Peter looks confused and says,
"What d'ya mean?"
"I mean it was just me… Tracy, she has your Dad and Amy and I just keep thinking how this is all going to affect them." I say, wondering how Ken feels now he's had a long time to think about what happened, He's probably devastated to think his daughter could be responsible for such a thing.
I know I would be and he's been through so much already bless him.
"Maybe we should just keep this all to ourselves, I mean I know it wasn't me now, that's what's important."
Peter sits back down next to me and kisses me on the forehead as he does so.
God, I really miss the little things like that. Those quick and absentminded displays of affection mean so damn much to me, they always have done, I wonder if he knows just how much I need him here, I hope he does.
"Y'see that's the difference between you and Tracy, Carla. You are sat ere thinking about every single other person on this street rather than yourself and you are putting their needs before yours." Peter starts, looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes and making me feel like I'm melting on the inside. "D'ya think for one second that Tracy even thought about you or anyone else but herself for that matter?"
Probably not… but she is still his sister so I say,
"I don't know Peter… maybe she did."
"Ha." Peter laughs dryly, "Carla you n me both know that she didn't because if she had done. If she had of truly thought about what she had done to you there is no way she would have been able to sleep as soundly as she has been."
"I'm… I'm just not sure I want the whole street knowing about this yet Peter, whilst I now it weren't my fault it's all still really raw, the thoughts ave gone through my mind these past few weeks Peter…" I stop and take a deep breath, to keep myself from crying. "I really scared myself sometimes… I nearly did things that I can't comprehend right now and I need some time to try and get past all of that."
Peter nods at me slowly and then gives me a cute little smile.
"Okay." He says, "I won't go around telling the whole street but they need to know about it someday."
"I know… just not now eh." I say.
I know Peter probably thinks I'm owed about a million apologies but I hate all that kind of thing, I can't stand that kind of attention and he knows it.
Roy comes out of his bedroom dressed in his usually grey cardie and trousers combo and I know that he is still finding it awkward to see Peter pottering about his place.
"Good morning." Roy says to both of us with a nod.
"Good morning Roy." Peter says with a polite smile, he gets up of the sofa and then says to him, "I just want to say thank you for letting me in last night and letting me stay ere."
"You are very welcome." Roy says putting on his kettle, "Might I interest you both in a cup of tea or coffee?"
"Yes please." I say getting up off the sofa to join Peter.
"D'ya want me to make it? It must get pretty boring having to make tea's n coffee's all the time." Peter says, walking right into Roy's kitchen and offering to help.
"He'll never let you." I say with a smug smirk because I know there is no way that Roy is going to allow any guest in his house make their own hot drink.
"No thank you Peter, go and take a seat at the table with Carla and I'll bring them over." He says. "Do you still like a black coffee?"
"Yes." Peter nods and then he does as he is told and goes to sit down at Roy's dining room table. I go and sit next to him and we grin stupidly at each for a moment until Roy then says,
"I hate to bring this up but does Ken know about... Tracy?"
"Yes." Peter says, "He was there… he heard it all."
"How awful for him… he's been through so much already." Roy says as he pours boiling water into the mugs that he had set out. Peter looks at me and then back at Roy, I think he's going to say something as his mouth opens but then it closes and he obviously changes his mind.
"That's what I was thinking." I say as Roy adds milk to the cups. "Which is why I was thinking that maybe… we shouldn't call the police." Roy stops pouring the milk and then actually turns his body towards me.
"Carla whilst your intentions are extremely noble I really do think that Tracy needs to get her comeuppance this time." He says, Peter nods along with him, he's the one looking smug this time, which makes me roll my eyes.
"That's what I was thinking." He grins at me.
"Yeah well no one asked you what you were thinking." I say giving him a soft kick underneath the table.
"Ow!" Peter cries ridiculously even though I know I didn't hurt him. He just wants Roy's attention.
It's almost as if he is sucking up to Roy as he brings over our hot drinks because he gives him a huge and grateful smile and says, "Thank you very much."
"Yeah ta Roy." I say smiling at him too. Roy sits down opposite Peter and me and there's a tiny little awkward silence as we sip our hot drunks.
They are way too hot for us to start drinking properly of course so I try to make some small talk by saying,
"So… what ave you two got planned for today then?"
Roy and Peter both shake their heads at each other and then look at me.
"Seriously?" Peter says, "You're asking us what we're going to do today?"
"Well yes that is what I just asked?" I say but Roy shakes his head again and says,
"Carla I realise you don't want all the attention but it is not fair for you to carry this burden around anymore."
"Roy's right." Peter nods as the house phone starts ringing. Roy gets up and goes to answer it as I give Peter another kick.
"Oi… stop kicking me." He chuckles.
"I will when you stop kissing Roy's arse." I say almost laughing myself.
"I am not kissing his arse, you're just annoyed because we both agree with each other that's all." Peter replies, leaning forward and wrapping his hands around his coffee mug.
"Yeah..." I say sarcastically, "You two are a right pair…"
"I think you're jealous." Peter whispers as Roy comes back to the table. I roll my eyes again at Peter but I'm more intrigued to hear who was on the phone so I say,
"Who was that Roy?"
"Oh it was just Kathy." He replies a little awkwardly because Peter is sat opposite him of course and he doesn't know that I've kind of told Peter about Kathy.
"Really? That were quick?" I frown, "You could have spoke to her for a bit longer than twenty seconds Roy."
"Yes well I told her that I needed to talk to you about something that was very important." Roy says.
"Oh Roy." I say. I hate how he is putting me before a potential new friend.
"It's fine, she said she understood and I shall call her later." Roy says. "Now where were we?"
"We were talking about Tracy finally getting what she deserves?" Peter says, taking a proper sip of his coffee.
"Oh yes." Roy says.
"Look I know where you two are coming from I really do but I really don't want any fuss." I begin but Peter is watching me and so is Roy.
"Is it because you don't think people are going to believe you?" Peter asks.
"No." I say although he is partly correct, "I've just decided not to go and have it out with Tracy. There's no point." Peter is still watching me in disbelief as I speak and as I take a sip of my own coffee he looks at Roy and says,
"She's worried about Amy."
"Don't talk about me like I'm not ere Peter." I say, getting slightly annoyed now.
"Amy has been through a lot… but so have you Carla." Roy says.
I hate how he and Peter have become such buddies.
I know that they mean well but I almost feel like they are ganging up on me a little.
"Yes well Amy is an eleven year old and I am a forty year old." I say because it's true. Amy is a good kid who has her whole life in front of her, she doesn't deserve to have the whole street bad mouthing her mother, not matter how much of an evil person Tracy may be.
"So what? Because you're an adult that means you should just take all of the blame on your self." Peter asks and I can tell that he is starting to get a little annoyed with me too.
"Well I've lived with it so far avent I?" I sigh.
"Yeah well maybe you've had it for so long that you just don't care anymore." Peter says, his voice raised, his fist hitting the table as he gets up from his chair and I feel myself start to panic in case he walks out on me.
He must have seen a look of terror in my eyes because his face softens and he says,
"I'm sorry… I'm gonna go for a smoke and try to calm down okay?"
"Okay." I say taking a deep breath. He gives Roy an apologetic look as he goes into his jacket pocket and pulls out his cigarettes.
Roy waits for him to leave before he says,
"He's right." I give Roy a sideways look and then sigh.
"God what is it with you two eh? I mean you're like two peas in a pod this morning… who'd ave though you n Peter would ave so much in common."
Roy is more than used to my surliness by now and just picks up his mug. He takes a sip and then says,
"Actually me and Peter do have something in common."
"And what's that?" I ask because I can't wait to hear what it is.
"Well… we both care very deeply for you." He says.
Oh…
Okay so I'm feeling rather embarrassed now.
Roy knows it and doesn't say anything else to me at first. We both sip our coffee companionably until he says,
"So what are you going to do?"
"I dunno…" I say, "I mean I was planning and going to give Tracy a good smack in the face but now…"
"So you're not going to do anything? After all she has done." Roy asks, "You're just going to let her go about her day like nothing is wrong?"
"Hold on a minute Roy… last night you were the one saying how you didn't think me going to see her was a good idea and now you're saying I should charge round there, all guns blazing?" I begin because Roy really did seem like he didn't want me going to see her.
"I'm not suggesting that, you know I don't condone violence Carla… you were just very angry last night." Roy says.
"Well I'm still angry now Roy, make no mistake." I say drinking some more of my coffee. "I'm just beginning to see that after everything… having it out with Tracy is not going to make the slightest bit of difference to my life."
Roy is silent for a moment.
Roy is silent for longer than a moment.
In the end I put my mug and say,
"Roy? What are you thinking about?"
"Tracy Barlow is a rotten human being." he says very stiffly.
"I know she is." I say because that's a given but Roy isn't done yet. He is almost in a trance as he speaks, I can almost see his mind going a thousand miles a minute.
"She just goes around, continuing to wreck peoples lives and if you don't do anything, if you don't say anything than she is going to think that she has won."
"But Roy…" I begin but he still isn't done.
"No Carla. She cannot get away with this… not this time. Even if you don't call the police, she needs to know that what she has done is unthinkable and that the people around here aren't going to stand for it anymore."
"Roy I just don't think I have it in me to go through all of that though."
Roy suddenly looks disappointed at me. Like I've let him down in some way.
"What?" I say because the way he is looking at me is rather upsetting.
"You know she said some truly horrible things to Hayley in the past." He says and for the first time ever I honestly feel like I want to punch him in the face.
I want to hit him because he's gone and brought out the big guns and mentioned Hayley.
Is he trying to make me feel bad for not going to see Tracy?
No he wouldn't do that, he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body but I also still can't understand why he would all of a sudden bring Hayley into this.
Tears prick my eyes as I go to speak but I'm interrupted.
"Now I'm not mentioning Hayley because I am trying to emotionally blackmail you. I am mentioning her because I want you to know that even my Hayley had her limits and during her last days on this earth she gave Tracy a piece of her mind."
"Really?" I say because this is the first I've heard about it.
"Yes. Tracy was being her usual berating self and said some very mean things about Hayley's hair."
I feel myself getting angry now. Even though it was so long ago and Hayley is now at peace I still get infuriated when I hear about anyone being unkind to her.
"Are you trying to get me more angry at her or summat?" I say, shaking my head in confusion.
"No." Roy says calmly, not even a little bit upset that I have gotten him wrong. "The point that I'm making is that even in her weakest of days, her very last days, Hayley was able to give Tracy some home truths and I am sorry Carla but I refuse to sit here and believe that you aren't strong enough to do the same."
Wow.
He's right.
As I said before, Roy Cropper has never steered me wrong.
I am strong enough to go and speak to her.
I have to go and speak to her… and even though Roy doesn't condone violence I might give her a good smacking after all.
For old times sake.
For Hayley's sake.