I'm sat here in my Dad's house waiting for Tracy to come home and I really don't know what's going to happen.
Carla seems calm enough, She's sat drinking coffee like this is a normal Sunday visit but I know that when she finally sees Tracy again she's going to be different.
I won't lie, I'd normally be expecting her to lash right out at Tracy but given everything that she has been through over the past few weeks, I think that she'll handle things a little more calmly.
I hope so anyway.
I also hope that Tracy doesn't try and wriggle out of this and rile Carla up even more.
She's making conversation with my Dad when the door opens and Tracy comes trudging inside. She walks into the living room with a carrier bag in hand and she stops dead in her tracks when she sees Carla sat at the dining room table.
"What's she doing ere?" She asks. She pretends like she's not scared but I know my little sister and she is utterly petrified.
Carla puts her cup of coffee down onto the table whilst my Dad looks rather worried about what is going to happen next.
Carla then watches Tracy for a moment and then says a very tranquil yet very sarcastic,
"Oh come on Tracy… you broke into my flat and started a fire… you could at least call me Carla."
If this were any other situation I'd smirk, I'd smirk because the look on Carla's face right now is weirdly hilarious but this is no time to be laughing. This is probably a time for me to be deadly serious, so I hold in my grin as Tracy is still stood motionless in the doorway.
"Look… I didn't mean to start the fire… I honestly don't know what I was doing…" She begins almost breathlessly.
"Well neither do I so that makes two of us." Carla replies, her face is still deadpan her tone is still laced with so must sassyness.
"I took some keys from Michelle... I didn't know what I wanted to do to you but I... lit the candle to figure it out and... then I saw this picture of Rob… I just freaked out n left, it was an accident." Tracy cries.
I'm so glad that she doesn't try to lie her way out of this, I'm glad that she'd being truthful about what she has done because I had visions of her denying it all.
Carla nods, gets up off her chair and then walks towards Tracy.
"Okay…" She says, still in this eerie state of calmness, one that is making us all slightly nervous. "Let's say the fire were an accident…lets say you really didn't mean any harm... you letting me take all the blame wasn't an accident was it? That was on purpose. You let everyone think that it was my fault… that was not an accident." Carla said, she's not so calm anymore, she's shaking slightly, her voice is also shaky too.
Tracy didn't say anything at first, she just shrugged, still holding her carrier bag and probably wondering if she should make a run for it.
"Tracy you better say something or so help me…" Carla snaps, after a few more moments of her silence. "Speak!" She cries, I get up as Tracy flinches and as Carla almost lunges towards her.
"Tracy…" I say, taking hold of Carla's hand and pulling her back towards her chair.
"Let go of me!" Carla exclaims but she lets me continue to pull her all the same. She sits back down on the chair but I know her temper is now short and that she can fly off the handle at any given minute.
My Dad is still quiet but he is looking at Tracy in a way, which I know that she cannot stand.
He is so ashamed, disappointed and totally scared of what is to come… I think we all are.
Tracy takes a deep breath and then walks into the living room properly.
She puts the little blue carrier bag down on the table and sits next to my Dad, in the hope he will give her some support I guess.
He doesn't say anything but he gives her an encouraging nod and then says,
"Tracy I understand that this is hard for you..."
"For her?" Carla scoffs, interrupting my Dad and shaking her head.
"You have a lot of explaining to do Tracy…" My Dad then adds, almost ignoring Carla's outburst.
"I know…" She says, breathing out and then finally looking at Carla again.
"So go on then… why d'ya do it?" Carla asks, staring Tracy down and waiting for a response.
Tracy sighs heavily as she rubs her forehead. She needs to hurry up and speak before Carla ends up losing it again.
"You got in the way of me getting The Rover's." Tracy says, Carla looks confused for a moment, I'm confused too because I have no idea what Tracy is talking about. "Me and Tony had it all planned out, it was all sorted and then you had to come along and ruin it, didn't ya."
"So you're telling me you started a fire in me flat n killed two people because you wanted a pub?" Carla says, fists clenched as if she is trying really hard to stay calm. "Tracy you do realise that you sound like a total head case right now?"
"I told you the fire was an accident!" Tracy replies quickly.
"Even so… you let me think that I was a murder because I stopped you getting hold of me best mates pub… which by the way I had no idea you wanted in the flamin first place." Carla says, her voice becoming more and more irate as she speaks.
"Oh it's not just about the pub, this is because you had everything and I had nothing… you always ave everything and I always end up with nothing."
Tracy sounds so spoilt right now it's ridiculous, this sounds like something a little kid would say not a fully grown adult. My Dad shakes his head at her and puts his head in his hands but Carla doesn't take her eyes off her.
"I had everything?" She says, "Me… Carla Connor the woman who lost her husband, her baby and her best friend all in the space of a year… I had everything?"
I feel guilty when I heard her say all that. I know she doesn't mean for me to feel this way but I do.
I still responsible for the loss of our baby, it still haunts me day and night and I cannot help but think that If I hadn't of been so selfish things could have been so bloody different right now.
"Oh ere we go… lets get out the violins for poor Carla… you just love playing the victim don't ya?" Tracy says.
"I am not playing the victim ere, I am just trying to make you realise how insane you sound right now Tracy." Says Carla still staring at her in shock.
I'm starting to think that this conversation isn't going to help in the slightest.
Tracy is way too stubborn to say sorry and Carla is way too angry to let this be... So I can't help but wonder how on earth is this going to end?
"You know what Carla… you might ave lost a lot but your life isn't so bad." Tracy says and Carla looks irate.
Angry, infuriated and as if she might get up and hit Tracy.
"Y'know other than the fact that I am married to your brother you know absolutely nothing about my life Tracy and don't pretend otherwise." Carla shouts.
"Well why don't you enlighten me then? I mean what can be so bad about being Carla Connor eh? Oh and don't play the I'm married to your brother card either because lets not pretend that you haven't changed your name back to Connor."
There is a deafening silence.
This is complete and utter news to me but I pretend like I don't care.
I pretend like Carla going and changing her name at some point hasn't made me feel like I'm wounded.
I have to get past this gutting feeling because this situation isn't about me, I can't sit here and let my hurt show because I have to be strong for Carla.
Besides I don't actually blame her for wanting to rid of my name, I mean after everything I did I'm just lucky that she didn't file for divorce.
Carla is looking at me.
I know she is, I can feel her gaze as I'm looking down at my hands and I don't have the strength to look up at her right now. I keep quiet so Carla returns her stare to Tracy and says,
"Me changing my name is neither ere or there Tracy. You still haven't come out with a single reason you think that it was acceptable to make me feel as if I was responsible for that fire."
"I told you! You had everything… and the crazy thing is you still do, you have a successful business, people like you, people respect you, you have your own flat."
"Had! I had me own flat… you went n burnt the flaming thing down!" Carla cried, shaking her head at Tracy in disbelief.
"Yeah well that'll be ready in no time and you'll be back in there before you know it. I wanted you to feel like me for once... I wanted you to feel like you ave nothing... because what ave I got eh?" Tracy says, tears pouring down her cheeks. "No money, no boyfriend, no real friends."
"You ave the best bloody thing of all!" Carla shouts, slamming her fist down and standing up. "You have a daughter Tracy. A little girl who innocent enough and naive enough to worship the ground you walk on and the only reason you are sitting ere instead of in a police station is because of her!" Carla's voice cracks and then walks out of the living room.
I quickly follow her into the back yard, where she takes a deep breath and shakes her head,
"Peter…" she begins, looking guilty and almost ashamed. "The whole name change thing…"
"Don't." I interrupt, "You don't need to explain."
"I do, I really do." Carla nods, "I thought that changing my name back to Connor... I thought it would maybe change my feelings. I thought that if I wasn't a Barlow any more that I could maybe feel the same way I did before I fell in love with you and for a while I thought it worked y'know… for a while I fooled myself into thinking that I was over you but…" Carla looks at me sincerely and she looks as if she might cry. "I'm not Peter... of course I'm not."
"Well good…" I say awkwardly, "Because I sure as hell aint over you either."
There's a small silence between us but then Carla obliviously remembers why she is here.
"I can't do this Peter…" She says, "I can't sit in room with that woman… she is crazy and it's not doing me any good… I don't feel any better, nothing she can say to me can make me feel any better."
"We can go back to Roy's anytime you want Carla." I say softly, Carla nods at me slowly and then moves closer to me. She rests her head on my chest and takes in another deep breath.
"She hasn't even said sorry… can you believe that? I mean the woman hasn't even said that she is sorry for killing two people. I don't want her to say sorry to me… just them… to Kal and Maddie… She needs to say it… Peter she has to say it." Carla says her voice becoming strong again as she stands upright and then goes storming back inside.
I follow her again and she stops right in front of Tracy.
"How did you sleep at night?" She asks,
"What?" Tracy sighs, infuriatingly. In a way that makes my Dad shake his head again, with wide eyes, unable to believe the way his daughter is carrying on.
"I said! How on earth did you sleep at night knowing what you did?" Carla says loudly. She looks angry again and is stood right in front of Tracy's chair. "Do you honestly ave no conscience at all Tracy Barlow!"
"I do ave a conscience!" Tracy cries, "I feel awful about Kal and Maddie I really do."
"No you don't. You cannot feel awful because you ave been swanning around ere like you always do and I ave been living in hell for weeks and weeks. You stood in that café and you put all the blame on me. You went around telling everyone that I almost killed your little girl and you still carried on as normal." Carla says, bending down and looking at Tracy in the eye before saying, "Tracy… a beautiful young girl and a loving Father died because of you. Their lives are over, their families' will never be the same again and yet you still managed to get up every morning with a smug spring in ya step. You still managed to look them in them in eye without wanting to slit your wrists just so that you didn't have to face em anymore… you didn't feel awful... you didn't feel like I did!"
"Stop it!" Tracy cries as Carla's situation is finally hitting home. She finally realises the extent of what she has done. Carla has tears pouring down her cheeks but she continues to speak, she continues to say,
"You didn't go to bed at night and hope that if you did manage to fall asleep, that you wouldn't wake up again, you didn't wish that it was you that had died and d'ya know why? because you don't know what a conscience is!"
"Get away from me." Tracy stammers, her eyes now brimming with tears of her own. She pushes Carla away from her and for a second I think that Carla is going to retaliate but she doesn't.
She stands up straight and shakes her head at Tracy, who still hasn't done the one thing Carla has wanted her to.
Apologize.
Carla doesn't back right away from Tracy yet, she's stood upright but she's still right in front of her. She breathes in and then out again, almost as if she is trying to calm herself down again before speaking.
My Dad looks at me helplessly and I shoot him a look, which says that I feel exactly the same.
Neither of us know what to say or do, we are just witnesses to this confrontation which has been a long time coming to be honest.
"You the one thing that gets me about all this?" Carla starts, calmly and slowly, Tracy breaths out as more tears splash onto her top.
"What?" Tracy asks weakly, it's almost as if she is at Carla's mercy now.
"You still haven't said sorry." Carla says, "You've sat there n thought up every excuse under the sun but the words I'm sorry haven't come out of your lips." Tracy doesn't say anything to this. She just sits in front of Carla in silence for a moment and then she eventually says,
"I am sorry… I just aven't said it yet because… saying it makes it real. Saying it makes it all my fault and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet." Carla exhales and walks away from her.
Like staying to close to Tracy will resolve in her hitting her.
Me and my Dad exchange looks as Carla paces back for a moment, deep in thought.
"You really are something aren't ya?" She then says, as she sits back down on her chair. "Tracy… even if you didn't say sorry… this fire was your fault… this fire was real and you ave a whole load of apologising to do."
Tracy nods at Carla.
Well and truly defeated it seems.
"I am no longer going to be your scape goat Tracy n you better flamin get used to it." says Carla and she gets up and goes into the kitchen.
She stays in there, taking a few deep breaths and so obviously trying to stay strong.
"This ends now." I say because Tracy doesn't act like she's got what's going to happen next. "You're going to apologise to The Nazir's… and Leanne. Then you're going to apologise to Sophie."
"But what if they call the police?" Tracy sobs and my Dad finally breaks his silence on the situation.
"Then so be it Tracy." He says bitterly.
"Dad... I really can't go back to prison." Tracy cries, looking at him desperately and shaking her head.
"Tracy those families have a right to know what happened to their loved ones and we have no power over what they choose to do with that information." Dad says, his eyes are red and I know the thought of Tracy going back inside is breaking his heart but I also know that he knows that she has to pay.
"What about Amy?" Tracy asks and she's looking at Carla now, who is still in the kitchen. "She's my baby."
Carla doesn't say anything as I turn to her. She just continues to stare ahead, she continues to try and act brave and like she's not finding all of his difficult.
"Amy will be fine... Her Dad is next door and I'm here." Dad says, putting his arm around Tracy and hugging her.
We sit in silence as Tracy sobs into my Dad's arms. She does look guilty I'll give her that but I still don't feel sorry for her.
There's a knock at the door and my Dad goes to get it, he then surprising returns with Amy in tow.
"Amy?" Tracy says, wiping her eyes and trying to act as if she hasn't been crying.
"Mum…" Amy says quietly, it's when I look at her that I realise she has been crying too.
"What love?" Tracy sniffs, putting on an extra brave face for Amy's sake.
"I want you to know that I still love you okay?" Amy says sorrowfully.
"I know you do." Tracy smiles at her, albeit slightly confused about what Amy is getting at.
"I'm sorry Mum." Amy cries and then she throws her arms around Tracy's neck and holds her tight. Tracy hugs Amy back looking more confused than ever whilst I turn to look at Carla in the kitchen ,who is stood biting down on her bottom lip. She's watching my Dad and Tracy and I know that she is also feeling guilty.
She's feeling terrible for bringing this to my Dad's doorstep.
She's feeling terrible for what this will all do to Amy.
Christ this woman has to stop feeling for everyone else and start putting herself first.
That sound of silence returns as Tracy and Amy embrace each other tightly.
I think about all the things that Amy has just said.
That she is sorry and that she still loves her Mum… It sounds as if… No it can't be… I'm probably just over thinking all of this.
The silence that we are all sat in is then interrupted by sirens. Sirens that are definitely near by.
They make Tracy jump and as we don't really live on a main road, I know that those sirens can only mean one thing.
There's a knock on the door and Tracy bolts upright as Dad gets up and goes to answer it.
He opens the door and there are two police officers stood on the door step. Tracy turns to me frantic and then to Carla who has come out of the kitchen.
"I thought you said you wouldn't call the police!" Tracy wails, as my Dad closes the door and the police walk down the hallway.
"I didn't call them." Carla says, and I can see that is truly stunned by what has just happened.
"Then who did!" Tracy cries and suddenly everything Amy has just said, makes sense.
It's clear by the look on her face…
Amy called the police.