It's been a good few days since I found out about Tracy.
Life has been pretty mad… if I'm honest and I don't know whether I've been coming or going.
After Sophie's apology they just kept on coming.
The Nazir's showed up at The Rover's later that night and were all in floods of tears as they apologised to me for the way they have "treated" me.
I nodded and told them the same thing that I told Sophie... that I didn't blame for it and that I just wanted to move on.
Then as I walked home, I saw a few of the factory lot, Beth, Sinead and Kirk. Of course they were full of guilty words too but I just let it all wash over me...
All I want is for this to be over.
I'm strolling very slowly to work because I really don't feel like going in right now.
The machinists love to gossip as it is without their own boss being the centre of so much drama.
I'm so lost in thinking of ways not to go into work that I bump right into Leanne. She looks exhausted and has dark circles underneath her eyes.
I don't know what to say to her at first, which is odd because Leanne and me have never been strangers to exchanging sharp words with each other.
I wonder if she is going to speak but then the craziest thing happens...
Leanne just throws her arms around me and bursts into tears… right on the street in front of everyone.
"Carla I am so sorry." She sobs, tears streaming down her face.
"Leanne..." I swallow, "It's fine... I understand."
"No it's not fine... Carla I might ave been trying to ignore you for weeks but I aven't been able to stop myself from watching you." Leanne says with her arms wrapped around me tightly as she speaks and I find myself struggling to stand upright because her embrace is so strong.
"What d'ya mean?" I ask.
"You've been going through hell... I've seen ya." Leanne cries, Norris and Rita are both walking towards the Kabin as Leanne sniffs into my chest so I tap her on the shoulder and say,
"Leanne... people are looking." I push her away from me slightly and drag her over to the bench outside Audrey's.
"Sorry..." She sniffs again.
"Stop saying sorry." I sigh as we both sit down.
"I saw how upset you ave been... I saw how much what everyone was saying about you was getting to ya and I did nothing... in fact I probably just made it worse right?"
Okay... so she did make me feel worse.
Especially after she heard me speaking to Peter that time but I'm not going to say it to her.
I just shrug at Leanne and sit there hopelessly as she wipes her eyes.
"You can't change the past Leanne." I eventually say, "There's no point in trying... we just ave to move on... I just ave to move on... and get back normal."
"Whatever that is eh?" Leanne says and she actually has a hint of a smile as she says it.
"Yeah..." I laugh and then she laughs too. It's was a little one but it's nice to actually laugh along at something with Leanne for once.
It's still crazy to think that me and her were such good mates at one point.
"So... what's happening with Tracy then?" Leanne eventually asks.
"Tracy..." I sigh, "Tracy's been... released."
"What?" Leanne cries.
"Well... as far as she is concerned and as far as the police are concerned... it was an accident. She didn't mean to set my flat on fire and whilst she didn't report it, the police can't really do much." I explain.
Tracy came home this morning and when I found out I was angry too.
Even thinking about it now gets my blood boiling and I've had a few hours to process it all.
"Well..." Leanne says, breathing rigidly and shaking her head. "Just because the police aren't doing anything it doesn't mean people around ere are going to forget."
"You're telling me?" I sigh.
We talk a little more about Kal and the fire before ending up in a little silence but it's not an awkward one, it's actually rather companionable and then Leanne turns to me and says,
"So... how's Peter taking all this?"
"Peter?" I ask, suspiciously wondering why she has half a smirk on her face.
"Yeah..." She grins, "I hear you two have been very... close over the past few days that's all."
"He's... shocked but... he's doing okay... we're doing... okay." I grin, "Oh stop looking at me like that will ya Leanne, it creeps me out." I say because she is still smirking in this totally smug way. She laughs again and sniffs sadly before getting up off the bench.
"I know he's been a bit of a prat in the past..." She begins and I raise an eyebrow. "Okay more than a bit..." We laugh as I get up too. "But from what Si's been telling me and from the way you smiled when I mentioned his name... I reckon you'll be doing more than okay." She says, before giving me a sad little wave before walking off.
That was weird but lovely all the same.
I hope that one day me and Leanne can be proper mates again because I do miss her.
I shake my head but I can't help but smile stupidly as I make my way to work. I'm in a ridiculously good mood until I see Tracy.
She's actually had the nerve to leave the house and is looking at me in aguish, then Ken appears.
He looks at me and I know he is about to start apologising so I just nod at him and then walk on.
I nodded like I have been doing when everyone apologises to me.
I know it sounds selfish and ungrateful but I'm getting pretty damn tired of the word Sorry.
As the day goes by more and more people keep stopping me, They keep saying that they wish they had of known, that they feel so bad and that they want me to know how much they regret the way they acted and all I keep thinking is…. SHUT THE HELL UP!
I know they must feel guilty but I've tried to make it clear that I don't blame anyone for the way that they treated me.
I've tried to tell everyone that I just want to move on but none of them seem to get it.
Well…
Alright, that's a lie.
There is one person who understands.
Peter.
He's been fantastic, simply amazing in fact.
I don't have to explain myself with him... it's like he just gets it.
He knows that I just want to get on with my life, in fact he hasn't even mentioned the word fire.
He's sitting with me now at Roy's, we're squashed up on an old armchair watching this incredibly boring documentary on owls.
Yes you heard right... owls.
Obviously Roy has chosen what we are watching.
Obviously Peter and me have no interest in it but Roy was supposed to be out tonight with Cathy so I called Peter round. We were sat on the sofa chatting when Roy and Kathy came bounding in to watch this documentary because they couldn't believe they had forgotten about it as they had been waiting for it for weeks.
Cathy and Peter introduce themselves as I smiled at Roy because he looked so embarrassed.
I'm not sure if it's because Cathy is here or if he thinks he has interrupted something.
We could have gone out… we could have gone to the pub but I can't stand to be around people at the moment. All those nosy people in the pub will only drive me up the wall and we can't spend time together at Ken's because I feel really uncomfortable there.
Especially since Tracy is back.
We could have gone in my room I suppose but… well lets just say it's rather hard for Peter and me to keep our hands off each other at the moment and the idea of us going into a small room with a bed in it doesn't bode well with me.
Me and Peter were almost taking up the whole sofa but it was pretty obvious that Roy and Cathy aren't going to sit on the armchair together, so Peter and me got up off the sofa and let them sit down on instead.
I went to make teas and coffees for everyone and when I came back and handed them their drinks, Peter was sat in the armchair with a smirk on his cute little face.
I rolled my eyes at him and told him to move up so I could sit with him, he patted his lap suggestively but he moved up anyway.
He's so cheeky and I love it.
I still feel so safe and relaxed with him around and I'm almost having fun sitting and watching this mundane show about owls.
Halfway through the show, Peter smirks as I edge closer to him, there is literally no space on this chair as it is so I raise one leg so it's hanging over one of his.
Peter glances over at Roy and Kathy, who are genuinely transfixed by this show on the BBC so they don't see him put an arm around me. I snuggle up even closer and wrap my arms around his body, glancing at Roy again to make sure that he is not finding this a little too much.
I mean me sitting with my arms around Peter is something that I used to always do but Roy isn't like everyone else, he can get rather uncomfortable in the most normal situations.
Still, he is totally engrossed in the television and so is Cathy so Peter and me don't need to worry about being watched.
Which means me and Peter don't hesitate to get just that little bit closer.
It's helps that it's getting pretty dark in here because the sun is setting and we don't have a light on, the only light in the room is coming from the TV in fact.
Peter is fully aware of how dark it is and nuzzles his nose against my neck. It feels so good and I don't pull away but I do whisper,
"Watch it you… we ave company."
"Company that is fascinated by Owls." Peter whispers back with his eyebrows raised and so he doesn't disturb the television.
"Well owls are seriously misunderstood creatures." I smile.
"Oh yeah…" Peter says, his face is literally touching mine as we speak and I love it.
"Yeah…" I reply although I have no interest or knowledge about owls.
"I gotta say... when I came back ere I never imagined I would be sat in a dark room with Roy Cropper and his new girlfriend." Peter whispers, his breath is hot against my skin and I shiver because of it.
"I don't think they are an official couple..." I say quietly.
"Yet." Peter says, glancing back over at them.
"Yet? Y'know a man and a woman can just be mates without anything else happening." I say because even though I want him to be happy the thought of him with anyone else than Hayley makes me sad.
"N is that what we are?" Peter asks, suddenly so serious. "Mates?"
Is he being deliberately dense here or is he actually wondering if we are mates?
"Well that depends..." I begin, entwining my hands with his and looking down at them both. "Do ya wanna be more than mates?"
"What do you think?" Peter asks with chuckle. I don't have to say anything to him, I'm sure he can tell by the look on my face and he before I can answer he kisses me.
I don't remember anything else about the owl programme after that.
The light suddenly goes on and we are almost blinded it by it as Roy clears his throat.
I look at the TV which has the documentary's credits rolling.
I guess Peter and me got slightly carried away.
"Erm… can I interest you in a spot of dinner?" Roy asks, Peter nods whilst I try not to look so sheepish.
"Yes please." I eventually say, getting up of Peter, who I have somehow almost ended up sitting on top of and going into the kitchen with Roy. "Can I help?"
There's a silence.
One that lasts for way too long before Peter bursts into laughter…
"Oi…" I say, a little disheartened. I only offered to help because I feel bad for how long I have been staying at Roy's and I want to try and be useful.
"Sorry darlin but the words help and kitchen don't usually come out of your mouth." Peter says, Cathy laughs at him as I turn to Roy and look hopeful.
"You… can help." Roy says, bravely at that. "How about we make have a simple omelette?"
"Just as long as it is simple." I nod although I actually have no idea in what goes into making an omelette. I mean isn't it just a fancy fried egg?
"Are omelettes okay with you two?" Roy asks, looking at Cathy and Peter.
"Sounds good to me." Cathy says, getting up off the sofa and sitting at the dining table. "Me and Peter can get to know each other whilst you make it." She says.
I look over at Peter who nods at Cathy intrigued and goes to join her at the dining table.
I am suddenly a lot more interested in what Cathy and Peter are going to talk about it rather than this omelette but I said I'd help now so I gingerly walk into the kitchen and say,
"Okay… so where do I begin?"
This omelette goes to plan but that's only because Roy does most of the work whilst I just do the unimportant bits.
I convinced Roy to make chips to have with our omelette and we are all sat eating in no time.
"So Peter… after being away for so long how are you finding being back ere?" Cathy asks, I look at Peter who smiles at Cathy politely because she doesn't know much about him and doesn't mean to pry.
"Well it were…" Peter looks over at me this time, "It were hard at first… very emotional but now… now I'm enjoying me self." He winks at me and I cannot help but smile foolishly.
"And how long are you planning on staying for?" Cathy asks, with no idea that the thought of Peter leaving is scaring the shit out of me right now.
"Well…" Peter says, swallowing a chip and now he is trying not to look at me. "I ave to go back at some point to sort a few things out with work but… I don't really ave any plans to go back at the moment."
I stay silent for a while and mess about with my chips. I really really don't want to think about him leaving but I do know that at some point he will have to.
He has a life down there and a job, he has responsibilities and I cannot expect him to just forget about all of those for me.
"Oh right…" Cathy says, "Hey... it must be really nice to be around Simon again."
"Yeah…" Peter nods, with the biggest and the most gorgeous smile on his face ever. "It really is… words can't describe how much I've missed him."
Hearing him talk about Simon with so much love was one of the first things that made me fall so in love with him and even now I love the way he speaks about his son.
"Awwww he seems like a really good kid from what I've seen." Cathy says, although I think she has met Simon like once so I think that she is just being polite.
"Well that'll have nothing to do with me." Peter says, shoving a chip in his mouth shamelessly as if he doesn't get that he is in front of people and that he should use his manners. "That'll be Leanne's good doing… all Si has got from me is a bad temper and a sarcastic undertone."
"That's not true." I say, interrupting him before he starts rabbiting on about how he hasn't been here for Simon and how he feels guilty. "He's got a lovely way about him… n so ave you." Peter is staring at me so intently that I can feel myself blushing as I eat some more of my omelette.
We continue eating and making small talk. Roy and Cathy tell Peter and me about this art gallery they went to and Cathy tries very hard to find out more about me and Peter without actually asking about us.
She says things like,
"You two get along so well." and "You two are like peas in a pod."
It's true I suppose, we are too alike for our own good sometimes.
When we've finished our meal, Roy says that he is going to go and drive Cathy home.
"See ya Roy… don't worry about the washing up… me n Carla will do it." Peter calls after him.
"Will we now?" I ask shaking my head because everybody knows I hate doing washing up.
"Yeah… it's the least we could do." Peter grins, taking me by the waist and pushing me towards the sink.
"Really cause I was thinking the least we could do would be nothing." I joke as Peter collects up all of the plates we used.
"What? Are ya worried about your nails?" Peter asks, glancing down at my bitten down nails which until recently were long and shiny. I close my hands so he can't see my shameful fingers and shake my head at him.
"No… I just hate washing up that's all." I say, he rolls his eyes at me and pulls me over to the sink again.
"How about…" He says, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me on my nose. "I wash… n you dry?"
"Or you could do both?" I grin, putting my arms around Peter's neck, "I mean I did do the cooking after all."
"Erm…" Peter chuckles, "I think it was Roy who did most of the cooking Carla."
"How dare you?" I say, "I think you'll find that I put all the chips on that oven tray… all by myself."
"Well in that case…" Peter says, as he leans in and kisses me.
We probably kiss for way too long again because there is the sound of the door and Roy appears again.
"Oh… Sorry." He says, clumsily.
I feel so sorry for him because he genuinely looks mortified that he has walked in on Peter and me kissing again... at least this time wasn't as bad as the last time though.
"Don't apologise Roy, This is your house." Peter says, letting go of me and going over to the sink.
He ends up doing the washing up and the drying up also whilst I follow Roy into the living room.
"So did ya ave a nice night then Roy?" I ask him, sitting down on the sofa as he takes off his jacket.
"Yes I did, did you?" Roy says, sitting down next to me.
"Oh yes." I nod "I've learnt a hell of a lot about owls and tomorrow I'm going to share my new knowledge with all the girls at the factory." I cannot help but look over to Peter who has his back to us but I'm sure who is listening to everything that we say.
"Are you going into work tomorrow then?" Roy asks.
"I… hope so." I say with a nod although I'm not too sure.
I didn't go in today.
I had every intention though.
I was on my way there but then I saw Ken and Tracy and I simply couldn't face a day behind my desk.
Normally my desk would be a place where I'd find comfort.
A place where I bury my head in the sand and throw my self right into work but that's what I have been doing for so long now that the thought of sitting there all day and trying to get back to normal, scared me.
It's insane because I've been trying to get normal back for days now and it was like once I had the chance… I just couldn't take it.
"I really do hope so Roy." I say again, like repeating it makes it more possible.
I had a thought earlier and It's been on my mind for hours now, I'm just wondering if I'm brave enough to actually go and do it.
"Me too, I am sure that once you are there that you will get back into the swing of things." Roy says.
I hope he is right, I really do because as much as I might complain I love my job.
Speaking of love… Peter comes back over and sits down on the armchair.
"Thank you very much for doing the washing up Peter, You really didn't have to." Roy says to him with a polite nod.
"Yes I did and You're welcome." Peter gushes, there is a look between us which makes me hold in a laugh and we sit together in the living room for a bit before Roy says,
"I'm feeling pretty tired and I have an early start in the cafe tomorrow so I think I shall be calling it a night."
"Night Roy." I say, smiling at him gratefully as he walks into his bedroom and leaves Peter and me to it.
"Night." Peter calls after him, getting up and sitting next to me on the sofa where Roy was just sat. "So…" he begins, smiling at me in a way that I know all too well.
"So…?" I grin as Peter moves closer to me and I can barley contain my excitement as he lingers in front of me.
"Goodnight." He says, kissing me on the forehead smugly and then getting up suddenly.
Oh I know that he doesn't think that he is leaving me here on my own tonight.
I haven't been on my own in days and there is no way that I'm going to be doing it tonight either.
He was here with me last night, on this very sofa in fact.
We had come back after a long day of apologies, I had sat down on the sofa with Peter and within minutes I was asleep… apparently because I don't actually remember falling asleep.
"Goodnight?" I repeat. "Where are you off to in such a rush eh?" I ask, frowning a little and getting up off the sofa.
"Well I reckon I've outstayed me welcome long enough don't you?" Peter says.
"No actually, I don't." I say pulling Peter towards my bedroom and shoving him in there.
He laughs as I close the door behind us and licks his bottom lip excitedly, he watches me for a moment and then gives me a very filthy grin.
"Don't get excited you…" I say with a raised eyebrow. "Nothing is happening in ere tonight… not with Roy in the next room that's for sure."
"Glad to hear it." Peter unexpectedly nods, sitting down on my bed, "Besides… it's way too soon." He adds.
Too soon?
Whilst I'm the first to admit that we still have a long way to go, If we were here totally alone… well things may be different right now.
Now I'm not saying that we would be picking up where we left off but Peter and Me have been fighting our urges for days and it's starting to get quite hard to ignore the fact that we both want each other.
"You almost look disappointed." Peter grins, "Are you?"
"Maybe I am." I grin back, as he kicks off his shoes. "Oh make your self comfortable why don't ya?" I say as he lies down on my meticulously maid bed.
"Well I might as well… if I'm staying the night that is."
"N who said your staying the night?" I laugh as I bend down and take off my boots.
"Well I can always…" Peter says as he gets up and goes to pick up his shoes.
"No…" I laugh as I kick them away from him and shake my head. "Stay… y'know you want to."
"You mean, I know you want me to." Peter smiles as I unbutton my jeans and pull them down. He smirks as he shuts his eyes and as I continue to get undressed and redressed into my version of Pyjama's.
It's just my underwear matched up with Peter's T-Shirt, which Roy has freshly washed and left in a neat pile with the rest of my clothes.
"Do ya want me to get undressed too?" Peter smirks, I laugh at him and brush through my hair as he gets underneath my duvet. It's silent as I wash my face with my cleanser and I'm halfway through moisturising when I turn to Peter, he is smiling at me with this intense stare, one that I can barley cope with.
"What?" I ask, "Ave I got summat on me face?"
"No... I've just missed this... watching you do all these little things like washing your face n brushing your hair."
"Really? I mean you've been ere for the past three days..." I say but I know what he is getting at and he knows as I know put down my moisturiser.
"Come ere you…" He says, holding the duvet up for me to get into. He leaves a soft kiss on my head as I lay down.
"Peter..." I say quietly, after a few moments of just listening to his breathing.
"Carla..." He replies back, I giggle quietly and snuggle up against him.
"I was thinking about what you said earlier... y'know about Portsmouth." I say, Peter nods, his beard tickles my chin as he does so.
"Yeah... Carla I was just saying that I will ave to go back at some point... it doesn't ave to be soon."
"Well... I actually think it should be..." I say,
"Eh?" Peter turns his head and looks at me and frowns. "Are you trying to get rid of me or something?"
"No..." I say and I mean it. "I just... well I've been thinking a lot today and I think I need to get away from ere... get some sun and space... I'm thinking of dropping into L.A to see Susie."
That was the thought I had... that I should maybe take a break and get some vitamin D.
Peter is quiet and doesn't say anything so I continue.
"Michelle kept saying I should have gone before... Y'know when everyone blamed me for the fire but I didn't want to go then, I thought people would think I was being a coward of something but now... maybe I should go."
Peter still doesn't say anything so I sit up and look at him.
"Peter... say something?" I say, poking him.
"Sorry..." he says, shaking his head and widening his eyes as if he is trying not to look upset.
"What... d'ya not think I should go?" I ask, thinking that maybe it's a bad idea after all.
"No... I think you should... it's just...I'm just going to miss ya that's all."
"Awwww..." I say with a soppy smile, "I'm gonna miss you too... but these past few days ave been so intense... I just feel like I really need to get some space."
"Y'know it sounds as if you need space from me?" Peter mumbles, which is what I really wasn't getting at.
"No..." I say shaking my head and gazing into his eyes. "Never..." I insist, nuzzling against him. "That's why I suggested you go back down south... I know being back ere n finding out about Tracy has affected you more than you're letting on so I thought that we could both take some time out n then maybe if we both come back round about the same time... we can see how we feel."
I'll still love him like mad and that's probably never gonna change but I still don't completely trust myself to make any proper decisions about anything yet.
"That sounds like a pretty good plan if I'm honest." Peter says, "So... you promise you're not getting fed up of me?" Peter asks, "Because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper to just tell me to get lost."
Bless him, he sounds so nervous. I have no idea why he thinks this way, I thought I had made it clear that I desperately need him around but clearly I haven't.
"No." I say firmly, "I promise I'm not getting fed up of you."
"Good." Peter says, putting an arm around me and kissing me on the cheek. "I was getting a little worried then." He says as I sink back down next to him.
"Well there was no need." I say, kissing him back and resting a hand on his chest. "I love you, you plonker" I then say, quietly but loud enough so that he can hear and I say it because it's the truth.
"Oi... there's no need for name calling." Peter says but I can tell he is secretly thrilled at what I just said to him. "I love you too." He then adds.
I can't express how much this moment means to me right now, all I can do is smile and close my eyes and just enjoy it. He's pulled me right up against him and I'm loving how close we have become.
Physically and emotionally.
I honestly feel as if we have been on a journey over the past week and whilst I'm still not sure what I am going to do without him, I think that I am going to go to L.A after all.
Just for a week to get my head together and relax.
Then after I get back... maybe then I can go back to normal.