What hurts the most is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing what could've been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
~What Hurts The Most-Rascal Flatts~
Cordana crouched, stealthed as always, a few feet behind Khadgar and Commander Jaaral. She listened half-heartedly to what was being said, picking out the words that pertained to her. Sometimes the Archmage walked by her, and she picked up his familiar and comforting scent. His voice was soothing to her, and she felt tired and emotionally drained. Snap out of it, Cordana! You still have a duty to perform here!
It broke her heart that she had hurt him, without ever meaning any harm. She didn't understand the subtleties of a romantic relationship, with its complex nuances and hidden innuendoes. She knew that Khadgar wanted to lie with her, to join their bodies together in an act of love. At least, that is how she always perceived it. From what Cordana knew of humans, they were rather free with their bodies, easily taking someone to their bed with no notion of commitment.
Kaldorei chose a mate and remained true for life. This choice was not undertaken lightly, and seeing one another through both the best of times and the darkest of times was understood and accepted. There was no fancy cathedral and solemn words from a priest, all of which could be tossed away and forgotten when the road of life became too rough, as she had seen from the humans. For Cordana's people there was the World Tree, and a joyous celebration. A commitment ceremony between two people who loved one another and wished to be joined as one, and was a binding of the spirit, the heart, and the physical self.
The Kaldorei took choosing a mate very seriously.
Humans took choosing a mate as seriously as choosing their dinner. This today, that tomorrow.
She believed Khadgar was not one of those humans. He had never had a mate, he had never loved anyone as he said he loved her. But did that include lying with someone who had taken his fancy? She struggled to believe that a man of his charm and esthetic appeal had never had a lover. And...if he had...what had happened to them? She believed that Khadgar would expect his lovers to know what they were doing, and she didn't. Could that have been a catalyst? Despite Shyra's best attempt at earning Cordana's generous gold pouch, the Warden could not accommodate the words (and the pictures) with the deed. In frustration she had hoped to just distract Khadgar with the mission so he forgot about it for awhile...knowing full well that that would not last for long. She knew that any balanced relationship needed both emotional and physical love, and in her selfish fear she had withdrawn from him and caused him pain. Now he thought she did not love him, when that was the furthest from the truth.
Cordana watched him demonstrate something to Jaaral, his face animated. I love you so much, Khadgar, she thought. Didn't you see it in my eyes, feel it in my kiss, hear it in my voice? There were so many ways I showed you, is this one thing the only way for you to know?
"Cordana," she heard him say. The Warden unstealthed.
"Yes, Archmage?"
"Please ask Seirshaa and Maddelein to join us. They will be in the War Room."
His voice was touched with hardness, and he did not look at her. She stared at him for a short moment, willing him to look in her eyes, but he did not and simply turned back to Jaaral.
She raised her head and walked away unstealthed.
"Is everything alright, Archmage?" she heard Jaaral ask kindly.
"Hmm? Why yes, everything is just fine, Commander," responded Khadgar smoothly.
Humans are masters of deception, she thought.
Cordana took her dinner alone, sitting on the steps of the Tower as she always had before, helmet at her side on top of the umbral crescent. Khadgar had taken his in the little dining room they always used to share.
Cordana's heart was heavy. She had tried to talk to him, but he had given her an unwavering stare that was devoid of any emotion, and it became awkward, so she gave up. If he had truly loved her as he said he did, why would he not listen to her? How could he just turn away from her so easily? Had she made such a small ripple in his life that he didn't notice the loss of her presence or want her in his life?
She washed her dish in the rain barrel and went inside. Stealthed, she crept around looking for Khadgar and found him in the library, a tome floating in front of him.
At least I can still be near you, doing what I do best, she thought sadly.
She remained in a corner, watching him, until he vanished away his tome, magically extinguished the lights and headed to the upper levels. He stopped at his door.
"Goodnight, Cordana," he said.
"Goodnight, Archmage," she responded.