Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breath
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
~Beautiful-Christina Aquilera~
Cordana awoke slowly, feeling Khadgar gently caressing her, his hand running slowly down the length of her body. She opened her eyes partway and gave him a sleepy smile, remembering the events of the day before.
He was her mate now, forever more. They shared a bond that transcended time and space, and part of her wondered if he was aware of it to that extent, or if love to him meant only the here and now. Humans tended to use words nonchalantly, most of the time not meaning what they said, and often not saying what they meant. Khadgar had studied the Kaldorei declaration ritual, he had known what to do, and had chosen such beautiful words. It was so powerful to her, so deeply moving. The very nature of his words had demonstrated protection, and hers had been about trust, about giving all of herself, the very things she had the hardest time with.
"Do you know how deeply I mean the words when I tell you I love you?" she asked softly, barely above a whisper.
He kissed her, moving some wild strands of her hair that had fallen across her face. "Yes, I do. I ask you the same question."
"Yes, I do," she replied, tracing around his eyes, gently fingering the lines around them then running her hand through his sleep disheveled hair.
"Khadgar, do you know how handsome you actually are? I see how females look at you with appreciation and I am quite pleased."
He grinned. "That is nice to know, although there is only one female whose eyes I wish upon me, my sweet Cordana. When I was a young man, before the curse, I fancied myself in a rather positive way. Like any youth my friends and I would bet one another to see who could get a kiss from a particular maiden. Sadly I was rather introverted, and did not have the gift of gab that the others did, so when I won it was usually because the maiden liked how I looked."
"Interesting. I have found you a very eloquent speaker from the first day we met. I noticed how you spoke before I cared to truly look at you."
That made him laugh. "I did not discover the power of speech until many years into my cursed life. I realized that no maiden of my true age could have any interest in a grizzled old man. I let my hair grow wild and my beard was no better. I looked like an ancient wizard of folklore. I was lonely Cordana, and wanted love and companionship like every other living thing, but no one wanted me, at least not for the man I truly was. What I sadly discovered was that most desired what I represented to them. In truth, I became a status symbol to try and conquer."
Cordana wrinkled up her nose. "Oh, terrible," she said.
"Indeed. It was devastating to me and I withdrew completely. I built walls around my heart and refused to allow anyone within them. I know that Archmage Modera showed an interest in me at one point, but I was no longer able to trust, and would not take down my walls. Magic was my only mistress and so it remained until I met you."
Cordana was quiet. Had he fallen in love with her only because he thought she was beautiful? Did what his eyes see dictate what his heart felt, or was there more?
"Would you have loved me, had you never seen my face?"
He gathered her close to him and snuggled her. "Cordana, I loved you before that day. Seeing how stunning you are was just an added bonus. I fell in love with your strength, your devotion, and your mind long before I saw you. It would not have mattered to me what you looked like. You already had my heart."
She felt warmth spread throughout her, it was a validation that perhaps she was worthy of such a great love after all. That it didn't matter if she were truly a bristly boar with a beastly face as she had always believed. She was worthy of being loved for who she was.
"I chose the right mate," she whispered.
"As did I," responded Khadgar, pressing against her. "You were worth the wait of a lifetime, Cordana."
He felt her resist slightly as he kissed her deeply and moved her onto her back, holding her there. Her instinct told her to curl up, to protect the tiny life inside her. She squirmed in discomfort. He stopped leaning on her and she relaxed. Stroking her belly, Khadgar spoke to her softly.
"I won't hurt you, Cordana. I know we must be cautious now."
They continued to kiss one another. He moved his hand down slowly, playing with the soft tuft of hair between her legs. Her breathing quickened, but she did not tense up. He encouraged her to open for him, if even just a little.
Cordana was worried. She did not want to have to guzzle another healing potion if she allowed him to make love to her. She was afraid of the pain, and more afraid of the harm it might cause their baby. The single minded often obsessive focus the Wardens were so famous for had shifted from the mission to protecting her unborn child. She swallowed hard and completely curled up.
Khadgar sighed softly. "Did I hurt you my love?"
"No," answered Cordana.
"We need to work through this, dear one."
She gripped her pillow. "I know you have needs, Khadgar. I will take care of you in other ways."
He spooned up against her, one hand on her belly, the other arm he slid beneath her neck. He held her as tight as he dared, and meant it protectively and with love, but to her it was a confining hold, and being confined was not a positive experience for her. Khadgar had his hand firmly on the one place she would give her life defending, the place where her child nestled, and Cordana would not struggle against him as long as he did. She grew anxious. Did he know this? Would he insist on making love to her now? The Warden was not used to being afraid of anything, but the slightest suggestion of a threat to her son, even from his father, created a fear in her she had never yet experienced.
"Cordana!" Khadgar exclaimed. "Why are you trembling? I'm not hurting you!"
He sat up and covered her with the soft blanket that lay crumpled up at the foot of the bed. Tucking the sides all around her, he lay back down, stroking her hair and ear. With her ensconced in the blanket, she couldn't possibly think he could do anything to her. Khadgar felt a heaviness inside. He had no idea what he had done wrong, to cause her complete rejection this way.
"This is hurting me, Cordana," he said to her. "I know we love one another, yet you refuse to communicate to me why you are so afraid. Is there something about a pregnant Kaldorei that I do not know? Are you unable to make love during this time? At least tell me so I do not continue to feel that you do not enjoy this activity with me any longer. Please, Cordana."
She felt secure all wrapped up. "It has always hurt me, Khadgar, always. I...I have been imbibing potions from the apothecary each time we have lain together. I am terrified that it will hurt our child. I can't take that risk. He is my only priority now."
"Light," he said miserably. "And you did not even think to speak to me about this so I might correct whatever I am doing wrong?"
"You cannot correct your ...anatomy...Khadgar. It is what it is."
He felt upset by her words. "I may not be able to change that, but I can surely change the way we do things! You did not have to suffer in silence. You are too prideful, Cordana!"
She curled tighter and was quiet. She did not want to upset him, she wished to sleep and be left alone.
Khadgar exhaled deeply. He reached out and carefully stroked her hair and her ear once more. "I'm sorry, Cordana. I will not force you to do something you do not wish to do. I love you, and I want you to be happy with me. I promised I would always take care of you, and I will keep that promise." Even if that means you will never lie with me again, he thought sadly.
Cordana's eyelids were heavy and she closed them, falling asleep quickly. It had been right to tell him the truth of the matter, even if it had upset him. Perhaps now he would leave the matter be.
She awoke hours later alone. Khadgar and his battle suit were gone. Cordana panicked and sat up, causing a cramp in her abdomen. It reminded her that she could not longer move with the same ease she had always enjoyed. She rubbed her belly gingerly and slowly emerged from the bed. She saw a bright red rose sitting on the table with a note.
"My love, I have gone to see Jaaral. Do not worry over me." It was signed with one of his lovely, stylish letter K's.
When Cordana arrived at the Garrison, the two orphan girls Mairi and Nishkaa were in the war room playing with Khadgar. Nishkaa saw her first and ran over, colliding against her legs and hugging her tightly. Then her little face grew solemn and she raised her hands and lay them on Cordana's belly.
"Ohhh," she said. "You have a little baby in here!"
Cordana was astonished. "How do you know that, child?" she asked.
"I just do," said Nishkaa.
"She has powers," said Mairi skipping over to join them. "She fixed a bird with a broken wing yesterday and she helped the stable hands with the tiger with the cut on its leg."
"You are a healer," said Cordana. "It will be a gift to your people."
Nishkaa beamed at the compliment. "My mother was a healer. She was a shaman. Matron told me!"
Cordana smiled awkwardly, unsure what to say. It didn't matter, as the children's interest was suddenly diverted to the tiny arcane birds Khadgar was making and releasing around the room. He was so great with children and Cordana couldn't help but smile. Mairi caught one and brought it back to Khadgar in her little cupped hands but was astonished when there was nothing there. She climbed up on his lap and put her arms around his neck. Cordana remembered how she had clung to him the night of the Festival as well. Perhaps the Archmage reminded her of her lost parent. It was sad to see.
Jaaral called to the girls and they obeyed, standing respectfully before him. He picked them up and sat each one on a knee.
"We are going to eat now," he said. "Do you remember how we are to behave when we have guests?"
They nodded.
"Then go to your seats, you may sit at the table with us today."
The girls gave a happy yip and chose their spots, sitting quietly with their hands folded in their laps. However as the food was served, Nishkaa began to click her hooves together under the table, making Mairi laugh. The little blonde child then began to tap rhythms with her knife and fork.
"Did you not just tell me you remember how to behave?" asked Jaaral sternly.
Nishkaa stopped clicking and Mairi put her knife and fork down.
Toriona leaned close to Cordana. "Jaaral is very strict with them. Matron has so many children that she cannot mind all of them, and the girls have been allowed many liberties. Too many in fact. We have them with us three days a week, and it has been a challenge. It will be easier once they are with us full time."
Cordana was pleased. "You have decided to adopt them?"
"We have not spoken to them about it yet, but they are delightful and have brought a lot of light to our days. Nishkaa is a clever girl but has been an orphan since she was a baby. She has never had a proper family environment, but follows along with what is expected, as long as she is given sufficient challenges for her mind on a frequent basis. Mairi only had her father, and she misses him terribly. She is not relating to Jaaral as well as I hoped, and tends to follow me around more. She seems very fond of the Archmage I have noticed as well."
Cordana nodded. "Jaaral is a different race, and she is not used to him. Khadgar, being human, is familiar to her as it was her father she recently lost. It will come in time, I would think."
Toriona looked concerned. "I hope so. I worry that perhaps we are not the right family for Mairi, but the girls just cannot be separated."
"Perhaps they will separate on their own, if they realize that their needs are different from one another's."
"Do you think that could happen?" asked Toriona.
"Anything can happen," responded Cordana. "I do not believe there are any rules when it comes to the heart. I never believed I could ever love a child, but now my whole life is focused on protecting little Khadgar."
Toriona gave her a wide smile. "That is the cutest name! I bet it makes him very happy to hear you say that."
"Indeed it does. He is beside himself with joy."
"I am so very happy that you are ok with this now. You will be a wonderful mother Cordana!"
The Warden smiled and patted her belly. "If our son is anything like his father, he will make it easy."