Chapter 13 Awake

Kate awoke that morning with the security and warmth of Rick's arms wrapped around her waist, a position that she had grown increasingly used to over the past few weeks. He was spooning her, with his nose buried in her hair, subconsciously inhaling the sweet aroma. She loved being so close to him, intimate in every way.

He knew her, her likes and dislikes, her fears, and bits of her past that haunted her. He was the only one that she had let in, slowly, revealing more of herself to him with every passing day. He knew how she ticked, what made her work, when to push and when to step back and let her have her space. He knew how to get underneath her skin and irritate her like none other, yet when it came to her mother's case, she couldn't imagine having anyone else around. He knew how to dig and dig and get answers, but that's because he cared and wanted to know everything about her.

Even though Kate Beckett was a tough nut to crack, Rick Castle was able to chip away pieces of her hardened exterior to reveal the beautiful jewel that lay beneath. He knew more about her than others did because he was the only one who took the time to poke and prod around in her life, despite her adamant efforts to keep everyone out.

She wondered what the past two years would have been like if she hadn't met him. The biggest difference Kate could think of was laughter. She would have had a lot less laughter in her life if she didn't have him around. Sure, she could have solved her cases by herself—she was plenty capable of that. Kate got along just fine before Rick Castle came into her life and upset the balance of things. But just knowing him made her a different person. When she was with him, she let her guard down. Kate embraced her inner child and just had some good old fun with him.

There were the serious times too. He was her lifeline. The one who saved her when she delved too far into the cases she worked on. When her world was crumbling around her, he was her support, her stronghold. He pulled her out of the darkness that she faced on a daily basis, in the world of death and grisly murders. A darkness that threatened to consume her whole if she didn't have someone to lean on.

He was so deeply embedded in her heart, much deeper than she let on to. She needed him so much, which is what scared her the most.

Kate felt the steady rise and fall of his chest against her back with every breath he took. He was here, now, and she wanted to keep it that way. But what if he wanted more? She wasn't ready to give him more. She wanted everything to stay the way it was currently.

Kate never really liked change. Big change. She wasn't able to adapt as well as some others, mostly because she felt like she couldn't be in control of her life when everything was changing. Maybe it was time to change herself. Instead of always being a control freak, she could go wherever life took her. Where the wind blows.

She never really was the footloose type, though. After her mother's death, the biggest change of her life, Kate decided that she had to take control. Or else everything would start falling apart.

Everything had been going perfectly before he showed up. He disturbed the peace, interfering with the equilibrium of things. Yet somehow, with his boyish charm and ruggedly handsome looks, Rick Castle had gotten her to like him.

That was the power he had over her. The power to break her heart. Kate knew that if she lost him, she would be absolutely devastated. With each passing day that they spent together, she became more attached to him. As they grew closer, she realized how much he meant to her. There was more on the line. More at stake. She was falling for him quickly, which was terrifying to her.

Now would be a good time to distance herself from him, before she got too invested and couldn't live without him. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. She couldn't bring herself to break things off with him because their friendship and partnership would surely suffer. She didn't want to lose him as a friend or a partner. And she was probably already in too deep.

Kate glanced at the clock and her eyes fell on a glint of silver. Rick stirred slightly as she reached over to the nightstand to pick up her mother's ring. When she relaxed back into his arms, he instinctively pulled her closer. Kate played with the long silver chain that held the sacred memento, twirling it around her index finger, as she felt a familiar ache in her heart.

Her mother. Kate missed her every day.

It had been over a decade since she lost her mother, yet the pain had not eased. Kate always feared that she might one day forget what she looked like or how her voice sounded, which is why she cherished her old family photos and home videos. Sometimes on particularly painful days, Kate would pull out those tapes and re-watch them, just to hear the sound of her mother's voice.

In the first few years after her mother's death, there was a mix of grief, anger, resentment, and despair. She was reckless with her life, not really caring or valuing anything at all. Looking back on those difficult times, Kate knew that she should've been more careful with her life. It was a natural response to her loss, but it could have ruined the rest of her life. Things changed when her father slipped into alcoholism. It was a startling wake-up call for her. She couldn't lose him too.

Kate straightened up and joined the academy while making sure that her father stayed sober. It was a time of rehabilitation for the both of them. They moved on and tried to stay strong, but Kate didn't want to forget. She took every opportunity to remember her mother, digging into her case file, looking for something that everyone else had overlooked. She was on the brink of obsession; every spare moment was spent investigating her mother's case.

Soon enough, her colleagues could see that it was eating her alive. As a result of their concern, she was forced into therapy to let go of her past. Ten months of psycho-analyzation and catharsis helped her tame and purge her overwhelming emotions, but deep inside there was still a burning desire to catch the bastards who killed her mother. It fueled her passion as a detective, seeking justice for every person who lost a loved one just as she did. It's the least they deserve.

Rick gently kissed the top of her head, indicating that he was awake. She turned to face him, giving him a weak smile. He could see the sadness in her eyes, where there usually was so much happiness when she was with him.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

She exhaled a burdened sigh. "Just thinking..." she said, her eyes downcast while she thoughtfully fiddled with the necklace.

"About your mother?"

She nodded in confirmation. Rick moved his hand to her face, tucking stray tufts of hair behind her ear.

"I think about her every day," she whispered to him. "There's so much in life that I feel like I've missed out on. There's so much that I'll never be able to share with her."

After a few moments in silence, she asked him, "Do you ever feel like you missed out? Because you never had a father figure when growing up?"

"I never had the father-son catch games and I didn't have anyone to talk about sports with, but I wouldn't say that I missed out terribly. When I was a kid, I liked to imagine that my father was an astronaut, a world class surgeon, or an international spy. Something exotic or extremely important. He could be anything I imagined. Of course, I would have liked to have had a father in my life, but that's just the hand I was dealt."

"So you're fatherless and I'm motherless. Join the lost parent club."

"I don't blame my mother for doing what she did. It's who Martha is, a free spirited actress. She kept me and raised me, and hey, I think I turned out pretty okay," he smiled.

She chuckled softly. "You know, what we're doing isn't much different from what Martha did."

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"Just sleeping with random people..."

Rick frowned. "We're not random people. I know you. I care about you." He caressed her cheek with his hand.

"And if I got you pregnant, I would be around to help you raise our child."

Kate's eyes widened at his response as she backed away in surprise.

"Woah, we are not talking about children."

"I know," he laughed at her defensiveness. "Sorry. Too early?"

"We're not even technically together as a couple."

Rick sighed at the unpleasant reminder. He really should do something about that.

"But..." Kate sighed as she moved back closer to him. "While we're on the subject, is Alexis okay with this? With me living here and you know... us?" she gestured between them.

"Um... She exactly doesn't know yet," Rick admitted hesitantly.

"Rick..." Kate admonished.

"You don't have anything to worry about. She already likes you and looks up to you."

"We're supposed to be setting a good example for her. Me moving in and sleeping with you is not being a good role model." Kate frowned.

"Hey, she knows that we're both consenting adults and that we've known each other for a while."

"Still..." she sighed.

"Relax, it will be fine. I promise."

Kate paused and thought for a moment. "Fine," she pouted, moving closer to him.

Rick wrapped his arm around her as she rested her head on his shoulder.

Kate continued to toy with her mother's wedding band while Rick played with her hair and softly kissed her head. He pressed his lips to her temple, slowly feathering kisses down her cheek and jaw line. He used his fingers to tilt her chin up to look at him and brushed a kiss to her lips.

God, she loved the way he kissed her. It was gentle yet meaningful, soft but passionate. He kissed her lazily, tenderly tasting her lips and relishing the moment.

Her eyes fluttered open as he pulled away. Smiling delicately, Kate bit her lip and watched him. Rick closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, taking in her delicious scent. When he opened his eyes they were face to face, noses barely touching. He reached out to graze her cheek with his fingers, tracing the contours of her face. As they held each other's gaze for a silent moment, time seemed to stop just for them.

"Tell me about her," Rick whispered. "Your mother. You should remember all the good times instead of dwelling on the pain. I don't want you to hurt any more, Katie."

She smiled at the endearment and his genuine concern. "It's always going to be a little bit painful to think about. I've accepted it, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her."

Kate reminisced on her favorite childhood memories. Cooking and baking with her mother, decorating the house and wrapping presents on Christmas, family vacations...

"She was a gifted storyteller," Kate began. "Just like you. Every night when I was in elementary school, she would read to me out of a big book of fables and stories. She also was an amazing chef and baker. Most of my cooking skills come from helping her out in the kitchen. We loved baking cakes and brownies together to give to friends and neighbors for any occasion. Especially during Christmas. It was her favorite time of year. We had a lot of traditions together, like decorating the tree, ice skating at the Rockefeller center, and caroling."

"She sounds like an incredible mother."

"She was. I miss her..."

"At least she's watching you from above. Protecting you and keeping you safe."

"I wish you could have met her. You would've loved her."

"If she's anything at all like you, I know I would have loved her," Rick said quietly.

There was an important implication that was nearly imperceptible in those words. He pulled her towards himself, longing to hold her safely in his arms.

"Thank you for opening up to me, Kate. I know it isn't easy for you."

"Thanks for listening and caring," she smiled.

"It's what club members do for each other," he chuckled.

Kate laid her head on his chest once more, finding comfort in the sound of his heart beating steadily in his chest. They lay in bed, hand in hand, two flawed and broken souls; but in each other, together, they found solace.

And you're lying real still,
But your heartbeat is fast just like mine

A/N: This is the chapter that absolutely refused to be written. It turned out a little bit better than what I expected, though. Thoughts? (FYI, they've pretty much broken all the rules of FWB. The most important one was to avoid talking about anything real). Again, sorry for being the world's slowest writer. I'll try to do better~