I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.
~To Make You Feel My Love-Adele~
Little Khaidric felt so good in her arms. Cordana kissed him and nuzzled him, then settled him at her breast. His eyes were open and he watched her as he drank, but then the comfort of her presence made him sleepy and he nodded off.
"He is precious," said Toriona. "He never cries, he just lies there in my arms and looks around or sleeps. Jaaral held him for awhile as well."
"Kaldorei babies do not cry," said Cordana. "Their needs are intuitively met by their parents so they do not need to scream for attention. Khaidric is very much Kaldorei in nature, although Khadgar has a gentle, quiet way about him as well and that may be a contributing factor to our son's demeanor."
Toriona looked at the little boy, then looked at her friend, then back to the child. "He may have the Kaldorei personality," she said smiling. "But he favors Khadgar in looks. Except his lips. He definitely has your beautiful lips."
Cordana stroked the little cheek. "I am glad he looks like his father. Khadgar is...well...very handsome."
She felt different away from the Tower. The earlier confusion she had felt dissipated the longer she was away. No more mind fog plagued her and she felt quiet and happy inside as she usually did. The mission was wearing on her, being torn between two worlds was extremely stressful. Cordana supposed that the Tower environs reminded her too much of the war, and her focus was more inclined towards raising her son then dealing with the mission. She frowned. Why could she not even remember what she and Khadgar had been working on?
She looked at her sleeping baby. "Toriona, sometimes I resent this entire situation here in Draenor."
"So do I," her friend said sadly. "I really want to start a family with Jaaral, but this damnable war prevents him from opening his heart to the idea."
"What about Nishkaa and Mairi? How are things with them?"
"Nishkaa is still spending time with us, but Mairi no longer is. She just could not attach herself to us. Matron feels she never properly grieved for her father, and now it is all coming up and must be dealt with. As you had said some time ago, Mairi seems to have begun separating from Nishkaa as she begins to process her own grief. It is tragic, but it is a good thing she is managing it now."
"Poor child. I wish I were able to help, but our roles in this situation are clear. Having Khaidric was very unexpected and has changed everything. I find myself struggling daily with the two roles in my life."
Toriona gave Cordana a sympathetic smile. "Are you finding it hard to leave him with me?"
"I mean no unkindness by saying that I do," replied the Warden. "I dislike not having him in my arms but Khadgar feels that what we are working with is not something Khaidric should be exposed to. I do agree for the most part. I just sometimes question why he wants me there, when I do not seem to do much for him."
"You are there because your presence strengthens him," said Toriona. "He was so unhappy when you were at Sanctuary. Everything about him radiated misery. Khadgar loves you so much, Cordana."
Cordana kissed Khaidric's head. "I love him as well. He and Khaidric are everything to me, although..." She paused and looked directly at her friend.
"What is it Cordana?" asked Toriona gently, seeing a question in the Warden's eyes.
"Sometimes I get very angry with him inside. It is as though he cannot say the right thing or do the right thing and no matter what Khadgar does, it upsets me. There are moments when I feel like I am not even myself, and I do not want him near me or Khaidric. I cannot understand why I feel that way."
Toriona shook her head slowly. "I get irritated with Jaaral sometimes, although I love him very much. We don't always agree on everything and both of us are convinced our way is the correct way. I think all relationships have these bumps Cordana. And you went through a lot with Khaidric's birth. Maybe you are just overwhelmed with being a new mother. I'm sure it will pass as your son gets older!"
As they talked, the Archmage came in. He looked adoringly at his son and kissed Cordana. "We are through with today's work, my love," he said. "Why don't we go to Dalaran and show off our wonderful new arrival to the Council?"
"You never told Jaina and the others yet?" asked Toriona.
Khadgar shook his head. "I did not. To be truthful, I never even thought of it until now!"
"Alright, I suppose we could do that," answered Cordana. "Khaidric has been fed and he will be happily asleep for awhile."
Jaina fell in love with the baby instantly. "Oh his eyes! Look at that hair and those little ears! Khadgar he looks so much like you aside from the obvious!"
The Archmage smiled proudly and put his arm around Cordana.
Kalec carried the little boy around for a bit, until Modera stole him away. She looked wistfully at the baby then at Khadgar, and Cordana remembered him telling her that Modera had had an interest in him once. She snuggled the baby until Ansirem relieved her of him, under protest.
Ansirem had 3 children of his own, and he had always wanted more. He cuddled with Khaidric, admiring the baby's curiosity, then gave him back to Cordana. The little fellow was tired and wanted to sleep. Khadgar gently took him from her and cradled him in his arms, his eyes filled with tenderness and love.
"Fatherhood agrees with you Khadgar," said Jaina softly. "It is nice to see you this way. I know how much you always wanted a family of your own. Congratulations to both of you."
Khaidric was asleep in minutes, and everyone talked for awhile on mundane matters before Khadgar cast a portal back to the Tower.
He placed the baby in his bassinette and took his wife in his arms. He kissed her tenderly but she seemed rather unresponsive.
"Is everything alright, Cordana?" he asked, kissing her ear, something she usually liked.
She moved her head away. "Yes, everything is fine, Archmage," she said.
The truth was, everything was not fine. That feeling of irritation was creeping over her again. That strange fog, those momentary lapses of amnesia, unwanted thoughts, it all began to wear on her. Her mind couldn't shake the notion that Khadgar was hiding something from her. Cordana wanted to puzzle it over in a quiet place, work through it, try and make sense of the feeling. She wanted to hold Khaidric and just sit and ponder. She had no interest in what Khadgar was suggesting with his kisses and hooded eyes. He had upset her earlier and she began to remember it.
He grinned at her playfully. "Have I been demoted again? I am a common Archmage once more?"
He nibbled her ear and then kissed her neck, pressing against her. He wished to make love to her but was unsure how she would receive his advances. It had become clear to him that Cordana had not been quite the same since Khaidric's birth and although that was to be expected initially he was a bit concerned about her just the same. Something in her manner seemed off lately, and it was not improving.
Cordana felt herself tightening up. Why was it that the minds of males seemed to revolve around only one thing? She freed herself from his embrace and stood by Khaidric's bassinette and watched him sleeping.
Khadgar sat down on the edge of the couch. "Cordana," he said quietly. "I think we need to talk."
She did not turn to him and said nothing.
"Cordana," he said a bit more firmly. "Please come here."
She turned then, and he did not like the expression on her face. It was cold and almost angry.
"You seem upset with me, and I deserve to know why, do I not? You have been acting oddly lately, Cordana. If you do not wish to make love because you are not ready then at least tell me so. Please do not leave me wondering if your affections have changed for me."
"You are over dramatic, Khadgar," she said. "I have not stopped loving you simply because I do not wish to lie with you. Your needs can be rather overbearing sometimes."
Overbearing? He gave her a confused look. Cordana had never indicated that he was overbearing in any respect. Why now? Could having a child change a Kaldorei's personality this much? Was this just something he was not aware of and quite normal for her people? He decided to leave it well enough alone until he could learn more.
"Alright, Cordana," he said softly. "I miss being with you in that way, showing my love for you. When you are ready I am sure you will let me know."
She turned back to her son for a moment, then went to a nearby chair and sat down, curling her legs under her and vanishing into stealth.
Khadgar felt a sadness and confusion inside him and sat for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. He felt that Cordana did not want him nearby and decided to go and speak to Rashana. He was desperate to understand what was happening to his wife.
Rashana could shed no light on the situation for Khadgar. The Archmage sat deflated on a tree stump facing the Kaldorei healer.
"I am unable to explain her change in behavior," he said. "She holds me at arm's length emotionally and physically. She is unwilling to be intimate with me in any way and will not tell me why."
"Is she happy when she is with Khaidric?" asked Rashana.
"Very much so," he replied with a smile. "She adores him and does not like to put him down, she even dislikes it when I wish to hold him."
Rashana frowned. "She does not wish you to interact with your son?"
Khadgar shook his head. "Not usually no. I take him from her regardless and I can see she is upset by it and tries to take him back as soon as possible. It is as though she does not trust me any longer."
"Has something happened between you recently that could have caused her to feel that way?"
Khadgar thought about it. "The only thing odd thing was that Cordana asked me how I was able to get her to you after Khaidric's birth. I used some...unconventional...means to achieve that and I did not wish to detail those means to her. There was no one around at the time so it is impossible for her to have been told about it, yet she quizzed me for quite awhile on the subject."
Rashana looked at him dubiously. While she did not dislike Cordana's human mate, the healer's opinion of humans in general was not that high. She had trouble seeing any of them as truly trustworthy, and found them to be fickle, their desires waxing and waning with the moon. It concerned her deeply. "I am not going to ask about these methods either. I am not fond of the arcane, and I have no doubt that if you do not wish to be forthright about the situation with your mate, then it is something you should not have done in the first place. However, as it was her life at stake I can understand your justification. But you need to speak to Cordana and give her the answers she seeks. Our people are intuitive and sensitive and if she feels something is not right between you, she will withdraw from you over time."
Rashana's expression was hard as she stood and faced him. "Given enough incidences of human deception, your mate will abandon you and she will have every reason to do so. Dishonesty and breach of trust is not something we tolerate, and over time it can wear away at our spirits, weakening us. Our sense of self preservation will see us leave a situation before it becomes dire. Sort through this if you value your relationship. Good day, Archmage."
Despite Khadgar's best attempts to smooth things over, the situation went from bad to worse between them. Cordana became withdrawn and suspicious of anything he did. She did not let him touch her, and began to sleep elsewhere, taking Khaidric with her. She did not want him touching his son, and that became a bone of contention between them. Khadgar was beside himself with worry. Any other time in the past when he had felt dissension in Cordana, she had had a valid reason. Try as he might he could extract no information from her that would give him any clue as to why she was so distant. He only knew that he desperately wanted to fix the situation.
It was an evening not long after his visit to Rashana that he found Khaidric in his bassinette, awake and looking around. Cordana was nowhere in sight. That was very unusual for her. She hated to be away from him.
"Hello, little guy," Khadgar said affectionately and picked the baby up. Khaidric's magnificent eyes glowed and he gurgled and batted a little hand at his father. Occasionally, despite what he had been told about very young babies not being able to truly smile yet, Khadgar was sure his son smiled at him. The baby grabbed his proffered finger and gripped it hard. The Archmage smiled and held him close, kissing his head. "I love you, Khaidric," he said.
He sat with him, playing with him and singing little songs waiting for Cordana to return. How long had it been since the little boy had been fed? Why had she left him alone at all? Khadgar changed him and put a warmer outfit on.
Khaidric seemed happy enough, and Khadgar carried him into the hallway and called for Cordana. When there was no answer, he went downstairs to the library and walked around the tower, calling for her. Wrapping Khaidric up in a soft blanket, he went outside. By now, his son was fussing slightly and was asking to be fed, sucking on his hand as best he could.
"Cordana!" he called out, annoyance in his voice. "Khaidric is hungry and needs to be cared for! Where are you?"
He looked around and glanced up towards the arcane prisons. Cordana was standing there, staring at them both. Maiev and Garona were sitting on the ground looking up at her, unmoving.
Khadgar sent them into the illusionary dimension and grabbed Cordana by the shoulder. "Light, Cordana!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing with these two? They are unstable! Leave them be! They do not need to be guarded, they are quite secure!"
Cordana stared at him and her eyes were hard and dull. "You have not been feeding them!" she said harshly. "That is torture!"
Khadgar's eyes widened. "Of course I am feeding them, Cordana. It is ridiculous of you to assume that I am not."
"I am not assuming anything, Archmage! Both of them told me themselves. You are not feeding and watering them regularly!"
Khadgar kept his voice soft and even. He was holding his son, and the child did not deserve to hear the dissension between them.
"They cannot be speaking to you, Cordana. They are behind a silence spell. Not only that, neither of them are telepathic. Now will you please come with me and take care of Khaidric. He is hungry and unhappy, look at him."
Khadgar held the little boy so she could see him. Her eyes took on a soft glow once more as she reached for her son, letting Khadgar lead her back to the tower.
Cordana sat down on the couch and offered the baby her breast. He gratefully latched on and began to suckle.
"Cordana," said Khadgar gently.
"Don't talk to me," she said flatly.
He sat down beside her and she turned to him, her eyes narrowed and dull once more. "You are torturing the prisoners, and I told you I would not abide that."
Khadgar ignored the accusation. "Cordana, tomorrow we are going to free Garona from Gul'Dan's hold. You must take Khaidric to Toriona and we will get this done. It is time to move forward and I am ready. I will need you to assist me by monitoring her."
Cordana began to protest, but he stopped her.
"I will not take any excuses on this. It will be done tomorrow and you will be here to see it through. Thereafter you and I are going to have a long talk about where we are going from here. There is something terribly wrong with you and I will get to the bottom of it." He knew his voice was harder then he would have liked it to be, but he was hurt and confused and could not repress it any longer.
Cordana stood up and walked away from him, going to the other side of the room and sitting facing the opposite direction.
Khadgar's heart was breaking. He did his best not to show how deeply he was affected by her attitude and manifested a tome and made a pretense of reading it. He was losing the best thing that had ever happened to him and felt powerless to understand or stop it. It was not a feeling the Archmage was used to, and he disliked it immensely. But that was of later concern. He had to prepare for the ritual that was to come in the morning when they would hopefully get some answers from Garona one way or another.