Chapter 24 Moving Out, Moving On

Kate's key fob jingled heavier with one extra key as she unlocked the front door to Castle's loft. Her task of apartment hunting had at last come to an end.

After weeks of searching the classified ads and visiting potential apartments, Kate finally found a place that both suited her tastes and needs and was within her budget. Kate had just signed the lease that day and made a security deposit for her new apartment which was located in Midtown Manhattan.

It was a 600 square foot, one bedroom, one bath apartment with stainless steel appliances, hardwood flooring, and granite countertops. The apartment was located near the East river and had a great view of the Manhattan skyline. It was a little bit farther to the precinct than from Castle's loft, but the commute was still manageable. All in all, it was quite ideal for her needs.

Kate was relieved to have finally found an apartment to move into. She had definitely overstayed her welcome at Castle's place. Even though Castle always insisted that it wasn't a burden at all, Kate sometimes felt slightly guilty for intruding into his home. However, Kate couldn't deny that she was slightly sad to leave Castle's loft, the place which she had come to call home for the past few months.

She meant to look for an apartment right after her old one was destroyed, but Kate needed time to recuperate after the explosion and adjust to living in Castle's loft. After that she kept putting off finding a new apartment to move into mostly because she was usually too busy with work to check out apartments in New York City. She would have started looking earlier, but there was never the need to rush. Months passed by quickly without her even realizing it.

In fact, Kate had gotten quite comfortable living with Castle and his family. Perhaps too comfortable. At first she thought it would be really awkward to live with the Castles because she didn't know them too well personally. What with his mother floating in and out according to her whims and his daughter living there, the last thing Castle's loft needed was more estrogen.

But they had all been more than accommodating to Kate and had extended her a warm welcome as if she were a part of their family. Even after Alexis found out about her relationship with Rick, she still regarded Kate in the same way. They actually grew closer as Kate got to know Alexis better.

It was quite effortless how Kate fit into their home life so seamlessly. As Kate let herself become accustomed with the Castles, she found herself feeling like it was her home too. Kate had quickly developed a daily morning routine with Rick where she woke up early to get ready for work and he made her coffee or packed her lunch. And he always made sure to give her a goodbye kiss.

He explained once that people whose spouses give them goodbye kisses in the morning tend to live longer lives, so that was what he was doing for her. How selfless of him. The domesticity of Kate and Rick's relationship came naturally because they were always so in sync with each other both at work and at home. In the few months that Kate was with them, she genuinely felt like she was a part of their little family.

This explained the latent reluctance to move out that lingered in the back of Kate's mind. She would miss the mornings with Rick, their afternoon drives home from the precinct, and dinners at night where they would relay the exciting events of the day to the rest of his family.

Gone would be the nights when they stayed up talking about cases or arguing about his ridiculous theories, along with the Saturday mornings when they slept in, cuddled in his bed whilst having pillow talks. It was great while it lasted but she had to move into her own apartment. Kate needed a place of her own to call home.

It was better for the both of them, she told herself. They couldn't keep living together in his loft. They didn't belong together.

A groan escaped Kate's lips as she thought about her next labor—packing. Kate brought a few empty boxes into their—Rick's—room to start collecting her belongings. As she rummaged through the shelves and drawers, Kate couldn't help but recall the sentimental memories attached to each item, most of which reminded her of Rick.

She carefully placed the stack of Castle's entire works, each novel personally autographed to her, into her box. Kate had spent many hours in his luxurious tub re-reading her favorite books of his. She picked up a baseball autographed by one of her favorite players, Joe Torre, which Castle had procured for her when he learned that she was a big fan. Rick knew Kate wasn't fond of expensive presents, so instead he always found something more thoughtful and meaningful to give her on those occasions.

Kate moved onto the large walk-in closet where, upon first moving in, she had not-so-subtly commandeered the majority of the space with her extensive coat and jacket collection. It took Kate some time to gather all her clothes and pack them neatly into her boxes.

By the time she was finished, half the closet was devoid of her garments that had previously resided there. The non-uniform density of the closet irritated her, so being the perfectionist kind of person she was, Kate started rearranging Rick's clothes to take up the rest of the space. Kate always teased Castle about his metrosexuality which was clearly evidenced by his immaculately organized wardrobe of jackets, pants, ties, shoes, and the like in the closet.

As she moved around his t-shirts, Kate couldn't help but bring one up to her nose to smell, his scent still rich in the soft cotton. She decided to take one of his t-shirts, the green lantern one, as a souvenir to keep for herself. Kate knew that it was one of Castle's favorites but it reminded her of his inner dorkiness which never failed to bring a smile to her face. And he was always joking that his clothes looked better on her anyways.

The numerous boxes of her belongings were beginning to take up a lot of space in Castle's bedroom, so Kate decided to start moving them down to the living room. When Kate trotted downstairs with two large boxes in hand that blocked her vision, she heard Alexis' voice inquiring of her undertaking.

"Kate?"

Kate set down the boxes on the floor and turned to greet Castle's daughter who was sitting at the kitchen island.

"Oh, hey Lex. How was school?"

"It was busy. What are you doing?" Alexis nodded to the boxes.

"Just packing my things," Kate replied.

"What for?"

Kate hesitated. She hadn't told Alexis that she'd been looking for apartments for the past few weeks, much less that she was planning on moving out. Now was the time to break the news.

"Uh…I'm actually moving out," she said sheepishly.

"You are?" Alexis asked, surprised by the sudden news.

"Yeah, I found an apartment in midtown and I just signed the lease today. So I'm packing my stuff now, hence the boxes…" Kate motioned to the load she had been carrying.

"Wait… why?" Alexis was still stunned at Kate's unexpected announcement.

"Well…" Kate started. "This was always supposed to be a temporary thing. I think I've definitely overstayed my welcome."

"No you haven't," Alexis reassured her. "We love having you here."

"Staying here has been great. I love your family but I do need a place of my own," Kate reasoned. "I can't live here… forever."

Alexis pondered for a moment, trying to understand the real reason Kate was moving out so abruptly. She detected a little sadness in Kate's voice. She could only come up with one reason to explain Kate's hasty actions.

"Does this have something to do with my dad? Did you guys get into a fight or something?" Alexis asked, concerned.

"No, we didn't get into a fight. Actually, I haven't spoken to him since he left for his book tour…" Kate trailed off. "Has he called you?"

"Uh, only that once to check on me, but it was a really short conversation. He seemed like he was in a hurry or something. He also sent me an SOS text saying that Gina was holding him hostage… whatever that means," Alexis explained. "Wait, he hasn't called you at all?" she tilted her head, confused.

"Nope," Kate said curtly.

"What about text? Or email?"

"Not a peep," Kate sighed. "But if he called you, then I'm sure he's fine. I checked his Twitter and Facebook and he posts stuff all the time. Seems like he's having a great time," she gave a wry smile.

"Yeah, he's big on social media nowadays. Says it's the new medium to be in. But it's really weird that he hasn't tried to contact you… Maybe Gina isn't letting him?" Alexis tried.

"If he really wanted to, he would have. But it's fine…"

"Is that why you're moving?" Alexis inquired.

"No, I was always planning on moving out. It just took me longer than I had expected to get on my feet and find a place."

Alexis hesitated before asking her next question. "So what's going to happen between you and my dad then?"

Kate bit her lip and paused to think. "Umm… I'm not sure. It's complicated," Kate said, tactfully avoiding giving a direct answer.

"You said that when you guys first got together," Alexis pointed out, skeptical.

"It's always been complicated and has just been getting more complicated," Kate sighed. "I don't really know where we are right now. But that's not the reason why I'm moving. I really do think it's better if I have my own place."

Alexis frowned. It seemed that Kate's mind was set and that it wasn't going to change. Kate Beckett was a stubborn one.

"So when are you leaving?"

"I'll be packing and moving my stuff over the next few days, so whenever I get done with that I guess. But it might take a while. And don't worry, I'll be checking in on you every day," Kate reassured. "I'll probably even be back every night to cook dinner seeing as I don't have any kitchenware yet… It's still my responsibility to look after you. You're not getting rid of me that easily," Kate joked lightheartedly.

"Alright." Alexis grinned. "You know, I actually kind of liked having you around Kate," she admitted. "I'm going to miss you when you go. It was nice having someone else to talk to sometimes. As much as I love my dad, I can't confide in him about everything. He doesn't get the girl stuff and whatnot."

The words touched Kate's heart. "I'm glad I can be there for you," she smiled. "You're welcome to stop by my apartment any time you want. To talk, rant, or just chill."

"Okay. That sounds good. Do you need any help packing or moving?"

"No, it's alright. I know you have AP exams to study for," Kate nodded to the stack of AP review books on the counter. "I can handle it by myself."

"Mmkay. But give dad a chance to explain himself when he gets back, okay? He isn't usually this… inconsiderate. I'm sure when he returns things will be okay."

"We'll… talk." Kate didn't want to lie to Alexis. She didn't want to tell her that she had already made up her mind.

"Well, I'll let you get back to studying. Good luck on those exams."

"Thanks, Kate."

Kate flashed her a reassuring smile then turned around and headed back upstairs to continue packing and thinking about her state of affairs with Castle.

Moving out would mean the end of their relationship but exactly how things would change Kate was uncertain of. She wasn't even clear on where their relationship was at the moment. She definitely wasn't his girlfriend—Kate made certain that they didn't put that label on their relationship in the beginning because she wasn't sure whether they would work out.

As time passed however, Kate grew warmer to the idea of calling whatever they had a relationship. As Kate opened herself more to Rick, she always found a willing ear to listen and a shoulder to rest on when the weight of the world got too heavy for her to carry by herself. He made her see that needing someone wasn't weakness. There was strength in their partnership; he made it easier by letting her know she didn't have to fight all of her battles alone.

Kate found herself caring about Rick just the same. She knew he had ghosts of girlfriends past that had broken his heart before along with the emotional uncertainty of never knowing his dad. Kate wanted to be there to help him grow and heal just as he always was there for her. Kate thought she might be able to trust him with her heart eventually and have him reciprocate the affection. But they still never talked about where they were and where they were going. Maybe that was his way of indicating that he didn't want a future with her. Never did and never would. And now where were they? Out of sight, out of mind.

Her heart sank when she remembered those pictures of Rick on his publicity tour in Europe, partying it up at decadent events with beautiful young women. Having the time of his life. Who was she to keep him from that? It wasn't her place to tell him how to live his life. If he wanted to have that lifestyle, that was his choice. He obviously didn't want a settled down life with her.

Rick didn't care about how it would make her feel if he went out partying every night on his Europe trip, not bothering to call her even once. He was an immature, carefree playboy and always would be. As much as she wanted him to be someone she could have a future with, that wasn't who he was and she couldn't change him. Kate had no place in that world with him and he didn't have a place in hers. She had to move on.

Kate found herself wondering if he ever really cared about her. How could he be so insensitive as to leave for the other side of the world on such short notice and not call home for two months? This wasn't the Richard Castle she had gotten to know over the past two years of working with him day in and day out. Uncertainty crept into her mind insidiously, planting seeds of doubt. Did she ever even really know him?

She was stupid to have ever considered loving him. She didn't love him, but there would always be a spot in her heart for him. A small part of her always would wonder how good it could have been if they had worked out. At least it was better than wondering what if. They gave it a shot but it didn't work out. She didn't have any regrets about their "relationship"—'tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. It was just not meant to be. They were fundamentally too different. Maybe that's what drew them to each other in the beginning, the way opposites attract.

It frustrated her that they didn't work out because they weren't compatible; it was because they didn't quite want the same thing. Although knowing that they tried satiated her curiosity, it didn't make it any less painful to lose someone she cared about so much. It was so incredibly easy and equally as painful to fall for someone who was wrong for her. But that chapter of their relationship was over. They had started out so hopeful, so desperate to be close to each other, but now they had become so far apart. Now she had to let him go and move on like a mature adult.

She never meant for them to end up this way. It was inevitable from the start, but she had chosen to ignore the consequences of their actions. Surely their ignorance couldn't last forever.

Kate contemplated whether they could ever go back to the way they were before. She wouldn't be able to stand working so close to him every day knowing that they had once been in the most intimate throes of passion together. Everything in this apartment was a poignant reminder of a love lost, a blissful yet sad remembrance of the time they spent together. Perhaps it would get better in time… the heartache would soothe eventually. Every kiss, every touch, every gentle whisper would one day just be a faded memory. She wondered how they had once been so close yet now were worlds apart.

Kate sighed heavily. She didn't know what anything meant anymore. The only thing she knew was that she had to get away from this loft, far away from the bittersweet memories engraved on every inch of his apartment where they had spent so many hours together as pretend lovers.

I never meant to get us in this deep
I never meant for this to mean a thing

A/N: Written in record time! Even though I kind of hate this chapter… didn't flow as nicely as I'd hoped. Sorry if some sentences were choppy. Also, broke the 50k word mark! Booya! And don't worry, Castle will be back very soon… ;)