Chapter 26 Breakeven
A/N: For those who don't like how the story's going or how Beckett is acting, then don't read if you don't want to. However, bear in mind that I know exactly what I intend to do with the story and characters. There needs to be some drama/angst to keep the things interesting (warning: lots of angst in the upcoming chapters). There's plenty of other stories with mindless fluff/smut for your entertainment. But for those willing to stick with this story, your questions/grievances will be addressed eventually and it will all be worth it in the end. ;)
Richard Castle was excited. He couldn't remember the last time he was this excited about something. Sure, he often got giddy about new gadgets and toys, but this was something completely different. This wasn't the latest gaming console or even a new Joss Whedon film. This was so much better than that. He was finally going home to see his family with whom he barely had any contact for the past few months due to his promotional book tour in Europe.
He was also going home to see a certain detective, whom he had missed immensely during the whole trip. He was going home to finally tell her he loved her. A warm, nervous excitement bubbled in his stomach as he dreamed about being with her again. Rick couldn't wait to have her in his arms again and to exchange I love you's with her. To finally have her as his own.
He would have to do some making up to her for not staying in contact during his trip. With his jam-packed schedule and practically being held hostage by Gina without the luxury of technology to distract him, Castle hadn't been able to call and check up on Kate to see how she was doing. He definitely owed her a few months' worth of romantic dinners, sensual massages, and movie picking rights. Probably a lot more than that actually.
He would make it up to her eventually. Rick hoped that she wouldn't be too mad at him for being caught up in his writer's duties. He hoped that by being away for so long it would only make the heart fonder. It definitely did for him.
Rick decided to channel his energetic imagination into his writing. He had 8 hours on the flight from London to New York to kill anyway. When the plane reached a comfortable cruise, the seatbelt lights turned off and Rick unbuckled his seatbelt to settle more comfortably into his business class seat. He pulled out his laptop to continue writing the next chapter of the second installment of his Nikki Heat series, Naked Heat.
He was about halfway through the novel and the storyline had been progressing moderately well. The chapters of the rough draft were connected albeit somewhat disjointed because he hadn't had a lot of time at once to write since he had been city hopping quite frequently for the past few months. There were still a lot of details he needed to refine but he had the main plot well planned out.
Rick usually liked writing in big chunks of time rather than bit by bit while the ideas were freshest in his mind and the story just flowed out of his thoughts. This was the perfect time to get some work done since Gina had already dozed off in the seat next to him.
He couldn't help the smile forming across his face when his laptop background appeared—the pic-stitched image of him and Kate being, well, them together. Kate never ceased to bring a smile to his face. Even on terrible days when everything seemed to go wrong all he had to do was think about her, how they met, and how far they've come since then to lift his spirits.
Remembering how annoyed she was by him initially and how fun it was to work with her, even if it meant driving her crazy sometimes, made him smile without fail. It always made him happy to think about how she couldn't stand him when they first met but now he couldn't even imagine his life without her.
It was so rare to meet someone with whom he connected on so many levels. Kate was beyond just smart, sexy, and sophisticated. She was driven, complicated, and strong. She was extraordinary. He knew that right when they met, he had to get to know her more. She was a mystery that he would never fully solve but he was more than willing to spend his days discovering more of the beautiful, complex woman that was Katherine Beckett.
This was never a just sex relationship between friends to him. Kate always had a special place in his heart even before they began their friends with benefits relationship together, whether she knew it or not. Being intimate with her only made him fall in love with her even more. He had fallen for her quickly, but it felt right being with her. Kate felt like home to him.
Rick was sure that Kate had feelings for him too and would be willing to take a step forward in their relationship, however small or big that step might be. He was so excited to see what the future had in store for them.
Rick pulled himself out of his daydream and turned his attention back to his work. He opened up the document with the chapter he had been working on and picked up right where he last left off. Rick made good use of the next few hours on the plane writing about his and Kate's literary alter egos. The time passed quickly and before he knew it, Rick was back in New York and his plane was ready to land.
It was 8:00 pm back in New York when Rick arrived at his loft. The airport checkout and baggage claim along with rush hour traffic had taken some time to wade through, but Rick was grateful to have made it home safely. Rick was more than glad to be back in his own apartment.
A medley of sights and smells bombarded his senses and a feeling of familiarity came over him as he entered his home for the first time in months. Rick took in the warm ambiance of his loft, relishing the comfort and serenity it afforded—something that he often took for granted. He went to the kitchen and checked his landline for messages and mail for any important documents. Everything seemed to be in order, thanks to Kate's diligent care.
"Lex? Kate?" Rick called out. No response. The apartment was oddly quiet.
Rick sent out a quick text to both Kate and Alexis to let them know he was back and asking where they were.
A few minutes later Rick got a reply from Alexis informing him that she was out to dinner with some friends and would be back later that night. He told her not to stay out too late as a fatherly reminder. With his worries subdued, Rick trudged back to the living room to handle his luggage.
Rick lugged his suitcases up the stairs into his bedroom and flipped on the lights, only to find his bed empty and neatly made. Rick frowned. He figured Kate was working late at the precinct and would be coming home late too.
He let out a sigh. Their passionate reunion would have to wait for tomorrow.
Rick felt the exhaustion weighing him down as he haphazardly rummaged through his suitcase for pajamas. He had spent the time during his flight productively but it had left him quite drained of energy. Rick wanted to wait up for Kate to come home but he was starting to feel the effects of jet lag and time zone change hit hard. After swiftly changing and washing up, Rick collapsed on his plush bed, fast asleep.
When Rick woke up from his deep sleep, he was groggy and confused. He looked at the time. 10:00 am.
Wow, I must've been out for more than half a day… Rick thought to himself.
He didn't even hear or feel Kate come in at night. Must've slept through all that.
Rubbing his tired eyes and stretching his sore limbs, he proceeded through the motions of his morning routine lazily. After a quick cup of coffee, Rick was ready to get recalibrated to his home life in New York City.
He spent the morning checking online to make sure his bills were paid on time by all the proper automatic bill payment services. Those made his life so much easier.
He made business calls to Black Pawn to inform them that his next book was coming along in a timely manner and to schedule future meetings and transcript reviews with his superiors. Rick also spent hours replying to the dozens of emails that had piled up in his account over the past few months.
After he had taken care of all these chores, it was already mid-afternoon. Rick didn't feel like going into the precinct today because he wanted to give his mind a rest from all the complexities of a new case.
He still had a few hours before Kate was due to come home, so Rick decided to go grocery shopping and make dinner for the two of them. A romantic dinner for two was long overdue for them. It would be both a thoughtful gesture and an apology for staying out of touch with her.
One hour and one trip to the grocery store later, Rick's fridge was appropriately stocked with all the basics and some of their favorite foods. He also procured the necessary ingredients to make a French onion soup and beef bourguignon for dinner along with raspberry and nutella crepes for dessert.
With the aid of online recipes, Rick prepared a sumptuous meal for Kate and himself in just under three hours. Tasting the soup and stew, Rick's palate was rewarded to flavors rich with herb and wine overtones.
Amazing what one can learn from the internet. Maybe this would entice Kate to agree to a trip to France with him in the future, he mused thoughtfully.
Rick moved to set the table with fine dinnerware, utensils, and glasses for red wine. He then trotted to a closet to find one last thing for the table. What romantic dinner would be complete without candles?
After placing the final touches on the table, Rick surveyed his work and was quite pleased with the result.
The soft classical music in the background paired with the gentle glow of the candles and rich aromas of French food in the air created the perfect ambiance for a romantic night for two.
Am I the best boyfriend ever or what? he thought to himself. There was no way Kate would be able to say no to him.
Checking his watch, Rick saw that it was almost the end of Kate's workday and that she should be wrapping things up and coming home soon.
Getting impatient, Rick figured he would swing by the precinct to say "hi" to Ryan and Esposito and to pick Kate up personally.
A quick cab ride brought him right to the precinct and he strolled eagerly into the familiar bullpen in search of a particular detective. He spotted her beautiful brunette locks at her desk where she was busy reading a file. He stopped to just admire her for a moment.
Seeing her so engaged in her own work reminded Castle of how driven and amazing Beckett was. He was so lucky to be the partner to the most incredible detective in New York City.
Castle casually made his way through the maze of desks towards her. Sneaking up behind a cop was not a good idea—a lesson Castle had learned first-hand in the past—so he approached her desk from the front.
Beckett was so engrossed in her work that she didn't notice him coming towards her.
Castle leaned in and spoke in a sultry tone, "Hey Kate. Miss me?"
He sat down in his chair and grinned widely. Seeing her brought a genuine smile to his face and a warmth to his heart. He was finally back where he belonged.
The voice startled Beckett out of her task. She turned to investigate the disturbance and was greeted with a familiar face.
"Oh, Castle. You're back." Beckett eyed him up and down rather blankly.
Seeing him stroll back into the precinct like the past few months hadn't happened made her kind of irritated.
How could he act like nothing was wrong? He literally did not call home for two months and still had the audacity to waltz back into her life acting like nothing had changed.
"Yeah, I got in late last night. I texted you," Castle reminded her.
"Oh right, I did get that text. I just thought you weren't going to be coming to the precinct today because of jetlag and whatnot."
"I was really tired from the flight. I actually spent most of the time on the plane writing. After I got home, I kind of passed out on my bed for the entire night. But it definitely feels good to be home."
"Well… I'm glad you're back safely. I was starting to get worried because you didn't call but Alexis kept me updated during your trip."
"Ugh, about that. I should probably explain that to you. Are you almost done with work?" he inquired.
Beckett sighed. She really didn't want to do this here in the precinct of all places but they really had to have the talk. There was no alternate place they would be meeting up otherwise.
"Yeah, I'm almost done. There's something I need to talk to you about too…" she said quietly.
Beckett finished examining the file, tucked it back into the folder, and reorganized her desk neatly.
It was Friday afternoon and the precinct population was steadily dwindling down as quitting hour approached, but there were still officers and detectives milling about attending to their own business. She didn't want to have their talk out in the open where other people could eavesdrop on their personal conversation or hear them fight.
"Let's go somewhere more… private," Beckett suggested.
Castle consented willingly, his mind occupied with what he would say to her. He didn't want to drop those three words yet. Not at the precinct. It would have to wait until they got home, after their perfect romantic dinner.
They headed to the break room which was empty, thankfully. Castle opened the door for Beckett graciously, entering the room after her. As the door shut, he strode eagerly to Beckett, reaching toward her to pull her in for a kiss.
"I missed you," he breathed.
Beckett flinched at his words and pulled away abruptly before he could make physical contact. The sudden withdrawal surprised Castle and he frowned, unhappy to be denied a kiss from her.
Realization clicked in his head. "Right. Rules. We're at the precinct."
Beckett didn't respond affirmatively.
She started after a slight pause between them. "So why didn't you call or anything during your entire trip? I was worried something had happened to you…"
Castle groaned. How can I explain this and not sound like a total idiot?
He probably could have snuck in a few calls here and there, but Gina kept him occupied most of the time and he didn't want to get on bad terms with her by not following the rules, however unfair they were.
"I was being held hostage by Gina… she wouldn't let me use my phone or the internet so that meant I couldn't call you," Castle explained. "But I promise I'll make it up to you," he assured her.
Beckett sighed, not knowing how to make it through this conversation. "How was the tour?" she asked.
"Super busy. We went to a different city every few days which was really great but I didn't have a lot of time to myself. Any spare time I had left over, Gina made me work on my novel. Between book signings by day and parties by night, I barely got any time to sight see and visit the local attractions," Castle pouted.
"But the cities were beautiful and the food was amazing. The parties were okay too. Overall I had a pretty good time in Europe," Castle gushed enthusiastically.
"Hmm… sounds fun," Beckett replied with a lackluster tone. "You and Gina looked pretty cozy in those pictures…" she replied sarcastically.
"What pictures?" Castle questioned, genuinely confused.
"The ones all over your Facebook and Twitter feed?" Beckett answered, thoroughly annoyed. How could he not know what he was posting on his own social media accounts?
"Oh that. I think Gina was posting those during the trip while she had my phone. She was kind of acting as my social media agent. It's just to keep up my image, you know. Literary rockstar and whatnot," he shrugged casually.
"Hmm, yeah I'm sure that's it." Beckett rolled her eyes.
"But…" Castle inched closer to her. "I really missed being at home." He reached out to take her in his arms.
Again, Beckett pulled away from his embrace and folded her arms automatically, almost defensively.
Castle frowned even deeper. He took a moment to observe her demeanor and tried to comprehend it.
Beckett was being unusually cold to him and it wasn't just because of the "no PDA at the precinct" rule. Maybe she was more than a little upset about him being away and out of contact for so long. Or maybe she was just in a bad mood today.
He was puzzled by her behavior but didn't want to question it so as to not further provoke her.
"Speaking of home, I noticed a lot of your stuff is gone," Castle tried to change the subject.
He had observed that there was a gratuitous amount of space in his closet and drawers while he was unpacking and putting away his clothes and he was curious as to why.
"Yeah… I moved it," she explained.
"To where?"
"My new apartment," Beckett said plainly.
"Oh." He let out the syllable, processing the implication.
Castle wasn't expecting that. It would explain why he didn't hear her come home last night and why all her stuff was missing.
"You moved out?"
"Yeah. Our arrangement was always supposed to be a temporary thing…" Beckett trailed off, avoiding his eyes.
Castle was trying to take in the news and make sense of it.
It was true that Beckett was only supposed to stay there for a short time while she was looking for a new apartment, but they had been happily living together for the past few months, or so he thought, so there hadn't really been a need for her to move out.
Although he wasn't pleased with it, Castle could see why she wanted a place of her own. Living together was a major commitment, one she probably wasn't ready for.
"Well then… what does that mean for us?" he asked slowly.
Castle felt a sense of dread building up in the pit of his stomach as he asked the innocuous question. This was not going how he planned at all.
This was not the ecstatic "welcome home" response he was expecting from her. It was far from what he dreamed about when coming home.
Beckett winced at his question and searched her thoughts for the right words. Even though she had practiced it in her head a dozen times, she struggled to come up with what to say.
After a long disconcerting pause, she finally brought her gaze to meet his and sighed.
"Look Castle, I don't think there should be an 'us' anymore" Beckett said at last.
Her words hit him like a wrecking ball.
"What do you mean?" Castle asked with a hint of desperation in his voice. He was too stunned to even fully grasp the implication of her statement.
She let out a heavy sigh. Memories of many a lonely night spent in his bed came to her as she recalled how hurt she felt when she saw him leaving with Gina and having the time of his life in Europe, having completely forgotten about her back at home.
Beckett tried to explain how she felt and why she had come to the realization that she had.
"Seeing those pictures of you on your tour, at parties every night with a woman on each arm. It made me realize that this," she gestured between them, "whatever this is… isn't real. I was foolish to think you've changed. The parties, the girls… that's your world. And this," she waved her hands in the air referring to the precinct, "is mine."
This couldn't be happening. This was all his fault for not communicating with her during his trip. She was just mad at him right now and trying to pull away like she always did when her relationships were starting to get serious.
She didn't really mean what she was saying. She couldn't.
"Kate, I know you're mad at me for not staying in touch but…" Castle started.
Beckett cut him off. She had to finish this before he said anything. She didn't even know if she could hold it together that long.
"No, that's not it, Castle." A pained but resolute expression came over her face.
The words were caught in her throat, but she mustered up her last ounce of resolve to end things once and for all.
"Look, I don't belong in your world and you don't belong in mine. We don't work together. We shouldn't be together," she put it plainly.
The meaning of her words finally sunk in, weighing him down more heavily than gravity. They stood in silence for a moment, both at a loss for what to say.
Beckett broke the heavy silence first. "It was fun while it lasted, but I think we should end this before either of us gets hurt," she said quietly, feigning nonchalance in an attempt to mask her true emotions.
She hoped he didn't catch the falter in her voice as she spoke. She hoped he couldn't see the tears forming involuntarily in her eyes, threatening to fall at any moment and betray her stone-walled façade.
It was a lie and she knew it. Pretending that what they had meant nothing to her was hurting her, badly. Acting like she didn't have deeper feelings for him was crushing both of them, but she had to do it to protect herself from even more heartache. It was killing her inside to hurt him like this but she didn't want him to see her pain and she didn't want to see his.
He wasn't the one who would make things better anymore. He wasn't the shoulder she could cry on when she was sad. He wasn't the one to hug her and put all the pieces back together. And she could no longer do the same for him. He was the one causing all her pain and there was nothing he could do about it.
They were nothing more than partners, if even that, now. Her flight instincts were starting to kick in and suddenly Beckett wanted to get as far away from Castle as possible. It was easier when he was halfway around the world in Europe. Then she wouldn't have to see the devastating look of hurt on his face that she knew she was causing.
"Kate…" he pleaded.
"Don't. It's over Rick," she breathed, her voice barely registering above a whisper. Even as she said those words, she could feel her heart breaking inside her own chest.
With tears stinging in her eyes, Beckett quickly brushed past him to exit the room, leaving him dumbfounded. As she opened the door, she heard him call after her but she didn't turn around. She couldn't bear to face him any longer.
"But Kate… I love you," he tried.
But it was too late. The door had closed shut. His words fell on the deaf walls of an empty room.
When a heart breaks no it don't break even
One's still in love while the other one's leaving
A/N: Aaaand I just crushed the hearts of a hundred Caskett shippers. Feel free to sound off in your misery in the comments. Many thanks for all the reviews from the last chapter!