Chapter 28 Speaking a Dead Language
Dusk was settling over the living streets of New York, covering the great city with brilliant warm hues of red, orange, and yellow.
He had waited until Sunday evening to go talk to her, giving them both some time to recover from the utter disaster that was their confrontation on Friday afternoon. Rick didn't want to bother her yesterday because she might have had plans on Saturday. He knew that Kate usually liked to be home early on Sunday to get a good night's rest in preparation for the upcoming work week.
Rick called her on her cell, wanting to inform her that he was stopping by. Voicemail. He tried again but she still didn't pick up. He sighed. He was fairly certain that she was at home, but was just avoiding talking to him. He decided to drop by anyway because their conversation was one they needed to have sooner than later.
He took a cab to her apartment in Midtown. Strolling along the corridors of the building, he scanned the numbers and approached her door apprehensively. 518B. He took a moment to muster his confidence and then knocked firmly on the door.
After a few moments Kate answered it, not altogether surprised that Rick was the mystery visitor. She had screened his two calls prior because she really didn't want to face him.
"Hey. Can I come in?" he asked delicately.
Kate eyed him carefully and thought for a moment. She knew how stubborn and persistent he was. There was no way he was taking 'no' for an answer.
"Yeah, sure." She turned around and retreated into the living room as he entered her new apartment for the first time, closing the door behind him.
He surveyed the room and took in the sights and sounds of the unfamiliar environment. The gentle hum of air-conditioning coming from the vents, hinting at the oppressive heat of summer that was soon to come. The mixed scents of a new place and her own person, an aroma that he was all too familiar with. A unique view of the glistening skyscrapers that collectively constituted the Manhattan skyline. The view caught his attention for a moment as he let his eyes trace the contours of the innumerable buildings.
He could tell that she hadn't moved in too long ago; there was still the unmistakable foreign atmosphere to the place. She had started to make the apartment her own by decorating it with some of her personal belongings. There were trinkets and memorabilia adorning the bookshelves along with framed photos lining the side tables. Not a single one was of them.
Rick tore his eyes from the room and fixed them back on Kate. She was sitting cross-legged on a chair in the center of the room. Her hair was tied in a messy bun and she was wearing a loose, off-the-shoulder t-shirt with some red and blue plaid pajama pants. She wasn't in the most presentable state but he still thought she looked like perfection.
"Nice place," he commented. "Love the view."
"Thanks." She wasn't feeling very verbose at the moment and she definitely didn't want to make idle small talk.
He moved to sit on a couch opposite her and perpendicular to the wide windows. She was looking downward, playing with the hem of her cuffed pajama pants.
The light of day was fading, slowly casting her into a shrouded silhouette. Shadows were creeping out from their invisible hiding places. A thousand unspoken words filled the space between them as they sat together in uneasy silence.
Rick waited a few moments to speak. "We need to talk," he stated plainly.
She flicked her eyes upward at him. "About what?" she asked, as if the answer weren't exceedingly obvious.
Kate could see the tiredness in his eyes, like he hadn't slept well in days. There was a haggardness in face that told of the emotional turmoil she had put him through for the past 48 hours.
"Us," he said slowly.
Kate dropped her gaze momentarily and bit her lip. "There isn't an 'us' anymore Castle," she corrected, meeting his eyes once more. "Don't make me regret what we had. Let it just be a pleasant memory."
"I just… I don't understand what happened between us. I thought everything was fine when I left and then I come back and suddenly you end things, just like that. You didn't even give me a chance to explain myself."
She considered his opening statement. He had a fair point.
"Well you have your chance now…" she offered.
He took a deep breath in and exhaled. "I know I was a complete jerk for putting you off during my entire trip. I realize it was completely insensitive and quite inconsiderate towards your feelings. I should have called and it was entirely my fault. I am really sorry and I promise I'll make it up to you," Rick professed the lines he had rehearsed in his head all weekend.
Kate waited to see if he was finished.
"Is that all?" she asked.
"Well that's what you're mad about right? That I didn't call?"
She thought for a moment. "Well yeah I was mad about that," Kate affirmed quietly. "But I forgive you," she said in a small voice.
"Then what's wrong? I don't see how that's grounds for ending things…"
She shifted her gaze again and pursed her lips.
Rick awaited an answer, growing frustrated at her reticence.
"Kate, you have to talk to me. You can't cut me out like this."
She pondered briefly, searching for the right words to say, and continued. "That's not it though, Castle. You don't get it."
Rick stared at her intently. "Then what is it?"
"It's… who we are."
"What do you mean?"
She reflected on what she had said on Friday and tried to elucidate the meaning behind her previously expressed sentiments.
"What I said about not belonging in each other's worlds. I've had a lot of time to think about us while you were away. I guess working together with you so closely for this long made me forget about who we actually are."
"You're this hot-shot writer who loves to have crazy adventures and wild parties and a new woman every week. And I'm just a cop fighting to bring killers to justice every day. There's no way our lifestyles can align, no matter how hard we try to make it happen or how much we wish that it could work. We're fooling ourselves by pretending that this is real. I don't want to hold you back from your career and lifestyle."
His brow furrowed. "But that's not me anymore," Rick argued.
"I'm here because I want to be. I've had the craziest adventures of a lifetime with you. I choose to come in every day working with you in the precinct together as partners," he declared firmly.
"For however long it suits your fancy," she snapped, unthinking.
He was taken aback. "What's that supposed to mean?" he narrowed his eyes at her.
"It means I know you won't be satisfied with me. You're going to grow tired of me eventually and move on to the next beautiful woman that catches your eye," Kate seethed bitterly. "I can't sit around and in constant fear of that happening… just waiting for the other shoe to drop."
Her accusatory words struck a sensitive chord with him.
"I… I can't believe you think of me like that Kate," he said, appalled by her blatant character judgment.
"Yeah, well those pictures of you and your fangirls in Europe don't inspire much confidence."
Her biting remarks were scathing and slanderous, leaving invisible lacerations on his heart. Rick looked crestfallen.
"After all we've been through… you have such little faith in me," he shook his head in disbelief. "I've changed, you know."
Kate already regretted the words that had come out of her mouth, but she was just lashing out because of the hurt he had caused her by being gone for so long. Being out of touch for months made her feel like he didn't care about her. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
"I just… I can't trust you with my heart." she sighed.
Rick paused briefly to consider his next statement. It would seal the fate of their relationship.
"Well I don't think I can be with someone who thinks so little of me either…" he said finally. Even though he was saying the words, he knew in his heart that he didn't mean what he said.
So there it was. They had both agreed to end it. He had come here with the intention of fixing things with her, but somehow the purpose got lost in his words and now they were at an impasse.
"Look, I don't want to fight," Kate sighed with weariness. "It's who we are and I don't want you to change for me. You shouldn't have to."
A long pause lingered between them, the meaning of their words slowly sinking in.
Rick broke the silence first.
"So that's it, huh?" he breathed.
"Yeah, I guess it is," she said with an empty look in her eyes.
"So now what? We just go back to being partners?"
"If you want to…" Her voice was as hollow as her eyes. "You can do whatever you want. You always have…" she rolled her eyes at him.
Kate was sitting no more than three feet away from him, yet she felt further away from him than when he was in Europe. To know that they had once been so close, so intimate with each other both physically and emotionally, and now were strangers in the night was heart-wrenching to him.
It was nighttime now. With the fading of the light, the heat and urgency of the day cooled away. Darkness had fallen over the city, along with their once brightly burning relationship. They had nothing more to say to each other.
She got up to turn on a lamp, and he rose as well and headed for the door.
"I guess I'll see you around," Rick concluded with strain in his voice and defeat etched across his face. He knew he had to force himself to leave soon otherwise he wouldn't be able to, for he wanted nothing more than to stay.
"Yeah, see you," she replied quietly.
With that, Rick left her apartment and went back home.
Could they ever really go back to what they were before? This question lingered in the back of their minds, both doubtful that things could ever go back to normal between them.
A mixture of grief and anger ate away at his heart like concentrated acid, leaving Rick sick to his stomach. He was both furious and injured by the fact that Kate held such a low opinion of him, but a small part of him thought that she was only saying those things because she was hurting too.
He clung to the tiny sliver of hope that their past interactions and words were a testament to the deeper emotional bond that connected them. All the mornings and nights they spent together and all the time in between.
The way she used to kiss him so tenderly, look at him with love in her eyes, smile at him like he was the only one in the world… There was no way she didn't have real feelings for him.
Maybe she did still believe that he was a playboy bachelor. Maybe she was too afraid to trust him with her heart. He was partially at fault for reliving the former Rick Castle days, but the parties and the fame were completely meaningless if he didn't have her in his life.
Nothing was beautiful and everything hurt. All he wanted, all he needed, was her.
Rick struggled to keep his mind clear with level-headed thoughts. He couldn't lose her, not like this. She was too important to him, too dear to his heart.
He still loved her of course and if being just friends for now was what they needed, then that was what he could do. He wasn't going to pine for her and try to win her back immediately, but he wasn't going to give up on being partners with her either—that would just validate her concerns about his superficiality and lack of commitment.
He needed to assuage her doubts and prove to her that they could in fact work together. He needed to prove that he had changed because of her, not out of obligation, but out of love. He had to build up a sense of trust with her again, brick by brick, before the healing could begin. Maybe then, just maybe, they could have a chance at being together again.
Somewhere in all the talking the meaning faded out
Oh I wonder when did it all stop making sense
A/N: The song for this chapter is pretty great. It's "Speaking a Dead Language" by Joy Williams of The Civil Wars. As for the Castle/Beckett blame game, yes I realize they're both at fault. It just seems like Castle is taking all the blame right now because it's from his POV. Beckett will be dealt with later.