Chapter 29 Make It Without You

Castle came into the precinct on Monday morning ready to assimilate back into his usual routine working alongside Beckett. If things were going to go back to normal between them, this is where they had to start. Castle entered the sturdy metal doors of the 12th precinct with newfound resolve.

As the elevator doors opened to his destined floor, he saw some officers with whom he had become acquainted over the past few years shuffling around working on their tasks. Castle greeted a few by name.

"Hey Williams, how's it going?" he inquired.

He got a half-hearted mumble in response. "Oh you know. Another day, another collar." She didn't stop to make further conversation.

Castle shrugged it off and proceeded through the lobby area to the bullpen.

"Fallon, long time no see. How've you been?" he directed to a seasoned detective at his desk.

The detective raised an eyebrow at him. "Castle, how nice of you to grace us with your presence again. Thought you had gone to Europe for good or something."

He detected a slight hint of sarcasm in the detective's voice.

"Of course not. New York city will always be my home."

Detective Fallon accepted his answer and went on with his work.

Wow. It seemed like the entire NYPD was his jilted girlfriend. Maybe it was just a case of the Monday blues, but some of the people he considered his friends were a lot less amicable than he remembered.

Castle approached Beckett's desk and found her chair empty. He saw that her computer was on and some files were scattered on her desk, so he knew she was at the precinct somewhere. She was probably just checking up on another source or going about some business in another department.

He noticed a distinct lack of coffee on her desk and decided to make her a cup just the way she liked it. Grande skim latte with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla. Surely that would bring a smile to her face on this slow Monday morning.

Castle made his way to the break room, but halted in his stride when he saw the room's occupants.

It was Beckett with a cup of coffee already in her hands, sipping it casually while making conversation with a detective that he didn't recognize. Castle frowned.

Making her coffee every morning was supposed to be his thing. Their thing. Coffee was his way of bringing a smile to her face every day and showing her he loved her without using those words. He supposed that she had become accustomed to getting her own coffee in the mornings while he was gone.

Castle made a mental note to arrive at the precinct earlier from now on so that he could make coffee for her again.

He was about to return to his seat, but there was an invisible force he couldn't quite fight that was compelling him to stay. Castle couldn't help but watch their interaction from afar. It was odd that he didn't know the detective she was talking to. Castle was curious as to the identity of this mystery man.

During his time at the 12th, Castle had become acquainted with almost everyone in the homicide department. He could at least recognize most if not all of the faces and put a name to each of them. He had never seen this guy around this floor before. Maybe he was new or something.

Castle observed the way she was looking at him intently, giving him her full attention as they chatted.

She had a way of engaging people like that—capturing their attention and making them feel important. Like the center of the world. It was one attribute that made her so captivating but it could be scary too, especially when she used that power to interrogate suspects. He'd seen even the toughest thugs crumble under the fierce patented Beckett gaze.

They were speaking in hushed tones so he couldn't hear what they were saying, but from her body language Castle could tell that she was on quite friendly terms with this guy.

He felt a pang of envy forming in the pit of his stomach. He knew it was irrational—they could just be talking about work for all he knew—but he couldn't help it. Castle had to peel himself away from the scene before the insecurity metastasized into a cancerous jealousy.

Returning to his post, Castle dejectedly let out some air. Ryan and Esposito noticed his presence and went over to talk to him.

"Hey Castle, wasn't expecting to see you here today," Esposito greeted.

"Why not?"

"Well… after that major fallout with Beckett we didn't think you were coming back," Ryan admitted honestly. "Did you get a chance to talk to her?"

"Yeah I did over the weekend."

"So is everything between you two okay? Are you guys back together again?"

Castle sighed in response. "No, we're not together anymore. We both agreed to go back to just being partners." He involuntarily winced at the formal title. Just partners. He didn't like the sound of that at all.

"Really?" Esposito inquired skeptically. "You two mutually ended it and you're both okay with that?"

"Well I don't have many other options. I still lov-…" he caught himself before he said those words. "I'm still her partner and I have to be there for her."

"So that's it? No hard feelings? No harm, no foul?"

Esposito was entirely unconvinced that the two of them could return to a purely professional relationship. Not after he'd witnessed how crazy they were for each other over the past few years.

Beckett almost shot the janitor when he tried to remove Castle's chair while he was away in Europe. Castle literally ran into a burning building when Beckett's apartment exploded and busted down a door to save her.

"We're both capable of handling this like civil adults," Castle insisted firmly.

"O-okay then." Ryan nodded acceptingly.

The partners started to walk away but Castle stopped them before they left.

"By the way, who's that guy that Beckett's talking to in the break room?" he inquired, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

Esposito moved a few steps to the side to catch a glimpse into the break room. Recognizing the face, he returned to Castle to identify the guy.

"Oh, that's Demming from robbery. He helped Beckett with that stolen phone case a couple months back."

Castle raised an eyebrow. "Robbery, huh?" That would explain why he hadn't seen him around the homicide department before.

"Yeah, he helped crack the case by finding the stolen iPhone prototype and that's what led us to the killer."

Castle's heart sank in his chest upon learning the information. He was supposed to be the one to help her crack cases. Not some other guy.

He worded his next question carefully so as to not come across obviously jealous.

"What's the deal with them?"

Ryan shrugged. "Nothing much, he just comes up here for coffee and to talk to her."

"They have coffee makers downstairs too," Castle grumbled to himself.

"Relax," Ryan patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure it's nothing," he assured him. The two detectives retreated to their respective desks and resumed their own work.

Castle frowned and thought to himself. She couldn't have moved on already—they only ended things a few days ago. Besides, he only saw her talking to the guy; it didn't mean that there was anything more going on between them.

Castle tried to ease his mind, but there was still the lingering thought that maybe she had moved on when he was away. A sharp pain stabbed his chest, but he tried to paint a smile on his face and carry on through the day.

Back in the break room, Beckett was having a friendly conversation with detective Demming over morning coffee.

Beckett smiled into her steaming mug of caffeine. "This is the third time I've run into you during my coffee run. That can't be an accident," she posited. "You know as a homicide detective, I don't believe in coincidences."

"Well your coffee machine is better than ours," Demming offered as a viable excuse.

She raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Uh huh, I'm sure that's it." The coffee was obviously a pretense for him to bump into her every now and then.

Demming grinned at her perceptiveness. "And maybe I come up here to talk to you," he admitted sheepishly.

Beckett blushed bashfully into her cup, trying to hide being flattered.

It had been a few weeks since he helped her move into her new apartment and they shared a kiss. Since then Beckett hadn't seen Demming around too often. They made polite conversation over coffee now and then, but nothing too serious. He was giving her space like she'd asked.

"So are you all settled into your apartment now? Is it feeling like home yet?"

"Yeah I've finally unpacked everything and got everything laid out nicely. Thanks again for helping me move my things. It was a huge help."

"Of course," Demming smiled graciously. "We never did get a chance to talk about what happened that night…" he prompted. He wanted to know what that kiss meant and if she was interested in going out with him.

"Yeah…" she trailed off.

"Have you thought about what I asked? Do you think you're ready for something more?" Demming asked gently. He had been waiting patiently for Beckett to make a move or give him an indication that she was ready for something beyond coworkers or friends.

Kate looked into his inquisitive eyes, brimming with hope for an answer in his favor. She couldn't say yes though, not with everything that had just gone down with Castle. The wounds were too fresh and her heart was still broken.

"Honestly, no. I don't think I'm in a place to start anything with you right now," Kate admitted finally.

"Oh." He looked crestfallen. "May I ask why?"

"I… I just had some painful wounds reopened recently," she revealed.

Demming put a consoling hand on her arm, rubbing it gently. "I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?"

Kate let out a sigh and considered whether she should tell him. He deserved a more specific reason why she was turning him down yet again.

She gnawed at her bottom lip before starting. "It's my partner, Castle."

"The writer?" Demming had heard about the famous novelist doing some research by shadowing a detective in the homicide squad, but he hadn't known that detective was Beckett.

"Yeah."

"What about him?"

"He's the one I had a thing with," Kate confessed. "He just got back from his book tour in Europe and we basically had a complete fallout," she explained. Even saying it aloud made her squirm, recalling the heart-wrenching conversations.

"You were in a relationship with your partner? Isn't that against precinct policies or something?" Demming questioned.

Beckett crossed her arms and quickly assumed a defensive state. "No, he technically doesn't even work for the NYPD," she snapped.

Demming noted the change of tone in her voice. He could tell he hit a sensitive nerve with her by bringing up her personal relationship with her unofficial partner. It wasn't really any of his business to question in the first place.

"Right, sorry" he apologized quickly.

"I don't know if I can give you what you want and I don't want to give you false hope," she clarified.

"Well who knows where it could go? Maybe it's worth a shot?"

"Umm… I can think about it I guess," Beckett replied, weathered by his determination.

"That's all I'm asking for—a chance. Whenever you're ready, give me a call okay?" Demming proposed hopefully.

"Okay," she gave him a weak smile.

Beckett retreated back to her desk and saw Castle occupying his normal seat. She was somewhat surprised to see him at the precinct today, given the state of things between them. She really didn't know where they were at the moment. They had ended things just a few days ago and here he was, persistent as always.

"Good morning," Castle greeted her cheerfully with a genuine smile.

"Morning" she replied carefully, eyeing him cautiously. "Didn't know if you were going to show up today…" she mentioned, turning her attention back to her workstation. She had texted him platonically to inform him about a case she was working on but wasn't sure if he'd show.

"Well this is us going back to normal," he explained nonchalantly.

Beckett frowned. His casual, almost chipper demeanor irritated her. He didn't seem affected by their breakup at all. It was almost as if that disastrous night had never happened. As if they had never happened. That bothered her.

The fact that she hadn't slept well the past few nights either was further exacerbating her irritability. She had been tossing and turning all night torn up over him and here he was, acting like nothing was wrong and nothing had changed.

"So what did I miss while I was gone? Work any good cases?" he inquired.

"Nothing too out of the ordinary. Couple of standard robberies, jealous exes. Just your run-of-the-mill cases."

"Ryan tells me you guys investigated a case that involved an iPhone prototype. What happened with that one?"

"It was an accidental homicide so we charged the guy with second degree. I'll tell you about it later if I have time. I have to do some paperwork right now," she said curtly, opening up a manila file.

"Okay," Castle accepted the answer without further question.

They proceeded through the day like normal, making brief infrequent talk over work. Castle was especially mindful to tone down his usual charming, outgoing persona. He still cracked a few jokes here and there, but Beckett either glared at him or didn't respond at all. Otherwise they acted strictly professional with each other almost to the point of excessive formality.

Esposito and Ryan observed their interactions throughout the day with a watchful eye, scrutinizing their interactions and body language. Everything seemed normal between the pair but they couldn't help but be skeptical at their civility.

"Dude this is scary," Esposito muttered. "It's a freaking silent war over there," he motioned to Beckett's desk.

"What are you talking about? They're getting along fine," Ryan argued.

"It's too peaceful. No way they go back to being partners, just like that."

"Why not? They're adults. Well at least one of them acts like one. Maybe they can be professional around each other," Ryan tried.

"Hmm we'll see how long this lasts. Sooner or later one or both of them is going to crack and there's going to be a huge fight. They can't both win in a breakup, man… It's like a rule or something," Esposito explained.

"I don't know, we'll see."

Five o'clock came around eventually and Castle decided to call it a day. It was tough, but he made it through. One day at a time.

He said goodbye to the boys and returned to Beckett's desk to bid her adieu as well. She didn't even look up from her papers when he said his signature "until tomorrow." All he got was a half-hearted "see you" in response. Castle frowned and turned to leave.

He still didn't completely know how he should act around her. Things were still ice-cold and rather tenuous between them. Castle was playing it safe for now by slowly easing back into their partnership and friendship. Soon enough, the good-natured banter would return and he could be at ease with her again. But would that ever be enough?

Beckett watched as Castle made his way to the elevator. Her eyes dropped back down when he turned around in the steel box, so as to not make eye contact with him.

The day had gone by without any major arguments. She could tell that he was trying to make things as normal as possible by acting like his old self, but his usual jokes and humor served to annoy rather than amuse her.

She had spent the better part of the day either rolling her eyes at him or tuning him out altogether. Sure, this is what they agreed to go back to, but seeing how easy it was for him to forget about everything they had was like rubbing salt on her wounds. It hurt to see him act like she never mattered to him. She never meant any more to him than another notch on his bedpost.

She brushed the painful thoughts of him away and thought about what she could do to take her mind off of him.

Drinks. She could go for some drinks. Beckett didn't want to call Lanie though because the only thing she would want to talk about was her no-longer-romantically-involved relationship with Castle. She wanted to forget her worries and heartache. She knew just the person who could help her with that.

Kate expertly packed up her belongings into her satchel and shut down her desktop. She grabbed her coat and headed for the stairs. Instead of descending down all the flights of stairs to her car, she went down one floor in search of a particular individual. She caught sight of Demming at his desk in the robbery division.

"Hey," she greeted with a smile.

"Hey yourself," he replied. "Come down for some coffee?"

"No, that's your bit," she teased. "My shift just ended. Do you want to grab some drinks?"

"Like… a date?" he tried.

"Just as coworkers," she corrected. Pausing for a moment she added, "for now…"

Demming grinned. "Sure. I'm just about done here too. I'll meet you downstairs in ten?"

"Sounds good."

They talked over drinks for a few hours and ended up having dinner together too. The conversation flowed effortlessly, along with the alcohol. Kate found herself able to let go and start opening up with Demming. She actually enjoyed his company; it was casual and drama free.

When he dropped her back at her apartment, he said goodnight like a perfect gentleman. He didn't try to kiss her again out of respect for her space and her wishes.

He was respectful, responsible, kind, and honest—everything she would have fallen for in a heartbeat before. Maybe something good could come out of this. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she started to feel hopeful again.

I remember when we were sure so innocent
Oh but that was then
Can we ever go back again?

A/N: Not my best chapter, but the story needs to move along.