Chapter 30 Miserable at Best
Weeks passed by as Castle and Beckett continued to tiptoe delicately around each other, neither willing to admit how they really felt inside. On the surface it was all artificial smiles and forged civility, day in and day out. No fights, no heated arguments.
From the outside nothing looked unusual. Everything seemed to be back to normal, whatever normal was for them, but on the inside they were both miserable. Still they continued the charade of peace, purposely ignoring all the signs of the degradation of their relationship into one of dysfunction and estrangement.
After all, ignorance was bliss. Everything was fine between them. It was always fine. Just fine.
They seemed to be getting along like before, but nothing was the same. Everything had changed. Gone were the laughs and witty banter they used to exchange. Gone were the secret smiles and loving gazes they used to share. Now it was all work and no play.
Castle had tried to slowly win her back with his charm in the beginning. Since that worked the first time, he figured it was bound to do the trick a second time around. Surely it would break the icy tension that constantly surrounded them.
Castle made jokes and lame puns like he used to in an attempt to lighten the mood in any situation. He would try basically anything to make her smile. But she never cracked. Hardly a smile or a laugh.
After receiving the cold shoulder in return over and over again and too many instances of her snapping at him for being childish and unprofessional, he begrudgingly changed tactics. His charm and humor slowly dwindled and he settled on just being her trusty partner. Bit by bit, his hopefulness and eagerness diminished to vanishing levels.
Little did Castle know that behind the stone-walled exterior she had expertly built, Beckett was miserable inside. The reason she kept scolding him and shutting him down was because she hated seeing how easy it was for him to go back to being just friends with her. He was already back to his old self, while she wasn't even close to moving on. The only thing she was good at was pushing people away, so that was the defense mechanism she relied on.
Beckett constantly tried to ignore the void in her heart by dismissing him and tuning him out. She thought maybe Demming might help her get over Castle so she went on a few dates with him, but she could tell that it wasn't going anywhere. He was a great guy but she just didn't have any deeper feelings for him.
Every time they went out she couldn't help but wish it was Castle she was with. It wasn't fair to him for her to lead him on any longer. He deserved someone who could actually return his affections. Her heart just wasn't with him; it never would be and Castle was the one to blame.
Deep down she wished she could have everything she used to have with Castle again. At first she was mad at him and would get annoyed by his humor, but now she missed his lighthearted jocosity. The initial anger had subsided and now she wished they could go back to the way they really were, not this sham of a partnership.
Nowadays, they were strictly professional around each other. They only talked about cases and work in general, often sitting for long periods in complete silence. She still stole longing glances at him every now and then whenever he was preoccupied with his phone, thinking of how amazing they once had been together.
They used to be so comfortable and in sync with each other even before they started the friends with benefits arrangement. They used to joke around and tease each other in a playful manner, which drove her crazy but in a good way. She missed all their witty banter and the far-fetched tales he used to spin. It made doing even the most boring paperwork so much more enjoyable.
She missed sharing secret glances and smiles with him, brushing hands meaningfully, and stealing kisses in the elevator whenever they were alone. She missed going home and relaxing with him at the end of a long day.
But most of all, she missed talking to him. She had always found a trustworthy confidant in him and was willing to confide in him about anything, even personal matters. That was something she rarely had with anyone else.
Now they seldom spoke of anything outside of work or his home life, whenever he brought it up on occasion. Beckett still liked to hear updates on how Alexis and Martha were doing. She even missed being a part, however tangential, of their little family.
Lately however, Beckett had been seeing less and less of Castle at the precinct. He only came in when they had a case to work, but even then his attendance was uncertain. She still called him whenever they found a body, but sometimes he would sit entire cases out. His absenteeism did not go unnoticed by her or the boys.
Beckett had also noticed little changes in Castle's behavior over the past few weeks too. He was less cheerful and energetic on the days he was with her. He stopped making lame puns and sideways jokes and only offered relevant, insightful input on the case when necessary.
Something was off about him and she didn't know what it was. He still smiled, laughed, and joked around sometimes, but she could tell it wasn't always wholehearted. It wasn't completely genuine. The smiles didn't quite reach his eyes. It was like the sparkle in his eyes had somehow faded. Beckett wanted to ask him about it but she didn't know how to bring it up.
It was Thursday afternoon and Beckett was sitting at her desk in the bullpen reviewing a case file. Castle hadn't shown up to the precinct all week despite the case she had picked up. She was starting to worry about him and had called him several times, but he assured her he was fine and had other things to do.
She was just finishing up looking at her notes when a voice beckoned her out of her concentration zone.
"Detective Beckett?"
Beckett looked up to find Alexis, Castle's daughter, standing by her desk.
"Oh hi Alexis," she greeted.
"Are you busy?" Alexis inquired, noting the papers that Beckett had been intently reading.
"No, I'm just about done with this file actually." She collected the papers and stored them neatly in the folder.
"Your dad's not here if that's who you're looking for," Kate informed her preemptively.
"I know. I came here to talk to you," Alexis announced. "About my dad," she clarified.
Worry overcame Kate instantly. "Is he okay? I haven't seen him all week. He hasn't come into the precinct in a while."
"Yeah he's fine. He's been at home mostly writing," Alexis reassured her.
Kate breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh okay, that's good. Do you want to take a seat?" she offered, motioning to Castle's chair.
"Actually, is there somewhere we can talk more privately?" Alexis knew this conversation was one that needed to happen behind closed doors.
"Sure." Beckett guided Alexis to an empty lounge room and closed the door.
This was the room where they sometimes brought family members in to question them about their loved ones as an unofficial inquiry. Many tough emotional conversations were had in this room. Kate had a feeling that this was going to be that kind of talk but she wouldn't be doing the one asking the questions for a change.
She took a seat on the sofa but Alexis remained standing with her arms folded across her chest. The look on her face said that this was a serious matter.
"So what did you want to talk about regarding your dad?" Kate asked apprehensively.
"He's been… off lately. He hasn't been the same ever since he came back from his book tour. Ever since you ended things with him," Alexis stated acutely.
Kate winced as Alexis confirmed her suspicions. "I know, it's been rough on both of us but we're trying to get back to normal."
Alexis wanted to get straight to the point. "He said you don't like having him around anymore though."
The words struck Kate. "He told you that? I never said that to him." Kate defended.
"That's how he feels like you've been treating him."
Kate was taken aback. Was that really how she made him feel? Was she protecting herself so desperately that she was willing to push him away so far and hurt him like that?
"I… umm…" Kate struggled to come up with a reply.
"Is this true?" Alexis probed. Her voice had risen to a stern admonishing tone.
"I mean, we haven't been on the best of terms," Kate admitted. "But I didn't mean to make him feel unwelcome."
"Maybe you didn't mean to do so on purpose, but how else would he interpret getting the cold shoulder from you for weeks?" There was a biting accusation in her words for good reason.
"He comes home miserable and depressed because you act like you don't want him around. That's why he doesn't like coming in to work with you anymore," she explained.
Alexis was angry at the detective for being so insensitive. Maybe her dad put on a smile at the precinct so Kate wouldn't see his pain, but she had seen him come home after work emotionally exhausted and unhappy on more than one occasion. She could only conclude the cause being his relational strife with a certain detective.
Kate knew she hadn't been fair to Castle and now she was being called out on it.
"It's not easy getting over someone when you're forced to see them and work with them on an everyday basis…" Kate stated lamely.
"That's no excuse for how you've been acting though," Alexis scolded. "How could you treat him like that?" she asked indignantly.
"It's not my fault that our relationship didn't work out…" Kate tried.
"That's not the point. Even though you guys didn't work out, that doesn't justify the way you've been acting. You've been completely insensitive, inconsiderate, and selfish to him. And on top of that, you've been dangling some other guy right in front of his face!" Alexis exclaimed. "You guys haven't even been over for that long and you're already dating someone else?"
"I…" Kate tried.
"No, I'm not done," Alexis barreled onward, eyes flaring. "Seriously? I cannot believe you. I thought you were different, Kate. I liked you. I thought you were good for my dad. You made him so happy while you guys were together. You said you would never hurt him intentionally, but look at all the emotional turmoil you've put him through," she declared harshly.
"Did you know he was so excited to see you when he came back? He made a whole candlelight dinner for you, and you go and end things with him out of the blue without giving him a real explanation. And now you're treating him like a stranger or an enemy. If you cared about him at all, if you ever cared about him, you wouldn't be treating him like this."
The revelation resonated with Kate. She had been so quick to judge him and so afraid of his public personality that she had overlooked everything that he had done for her in the past two years of knowing each other. Everything they had gone through together. She had let him go like that and had been adamantly pushing him away ever since.
"We opened up our home to you," Alexis emphasized angrily. "We let you into our lives. He did everything to take care of you and make you happy. You took everything he gave and threw it away without a second thought," she said with disgust.
"You broke his heart Kate," she seethed. That was the greatest infraction of all.
There was a pause between the two as Alexis awaited a response to the charge.
"He broke mine too," Kate admitted quietly.
The rawness of her voice caught Alexis off guard, but she had little sympathy for Kate as she was the one to end things with her dad.
"You're the one who broke up with him and you're the one who has been pushing him away," she stated bluntly. "I care about my dad and he doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I don't think he should even work with you anymore. You don't deserve him."
Her words painted an ugly reality that they were spiraling towards. She didn't want that at all.
"I'm sorry Alexis. I do care about him…" Kate's voice was pleading.
"Don't apologize to me. It's him you need to make it up to," Alexis finished sternly.
She left with that admonition hanging in the air with Kate in a state of shock.
Kate silently went over the conversation in her head, trying to digest everything that Alexis said. She was thoroughly dazed by the brutal honesty of the girl's words.
The castigation from Alexis was a huge wakeup call to her. It made Kate see the error in her ways that she had been actively ignoring. Everything that Alexis said was true.
Kate had been pushing him away and shooting down his every attempt to be friends again. He had been trying to fix the bridges between them but her unrelenting obstinance insisted that those bridges stayed burned.
It was a standoff, a battle of who could hold their ground the longest. The battle had come to a stalemate and now they were at an impasse. If she continued like this, maybe she'd win the war but at the cost of losing him in the process. Was that what she really wanted?
She took a moment to evaluate her behavior for the past few months. It was mainly her fault that their relationship had come to this point. It was her insecurities that had driven them apart. She was always so afraid about him not being committed to the relationship, when in reality she was the one with one foot constantly out the door.
How could she have doubted his feelings for her? Sure they never really talked about where their relationship was headed, but he never gave her any real reason to doubt his affections. His daily presence working with her in the precinct was already a testament to his commitment and dedication to her.
Guilt weighed heavily on Kate's shoulders as realization dawned upon her. He gave her everything and she gave him nothing in return. She had taken all his love and affection and had tossed it away like disposable scrap. She had taken his heart and shattered it into a hundred pieces.
Kate was so scared of having her heart broken that she was willing to hurt Castle in order to protect herself. She was the one who was afraid of commitment, not him. She was the one who couldn't be trusted.
Even though she and Castle were still partners, their relationship wasn't the same anymore. She had been shutting him out and he had been pulling away from her. They were falling apart, but Kate had been too stubborn to admit that something was wrong. That she was at fault. If she didn't do something about it soon she was going to lose him for good.
She didn't want to lose him. She couldn't lose him. The only thing worse than not having him as a friend or lover was not having him as a partner at all.
Kate didn't know exactly how to even begin making it up to him. It would have to start with a heart to heart conversation and a long overdue apology… but that was just the beginning. It would take a long time for him to ever trust her again.
She needed to earn that back, to be worthy of even having him in her life. He meant way too much for her to lose him. Without him she would only be miserable at best.
I guess I can live without you
But without you I'll be miserable at best
A/N: Bleh. I have written this story into quite the mess. Hopefully I channeled some of that rage from the comments into Alexis' rant properly. I do read the reviews and I do see a lot of flaws in my story, but what's written is written. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read and comment thoughtfully on the story. Also, this is the second to last truly angsty chapter. I really do want to bring this story back to the lighthearted fluff/smut it once was.