Chapter 31 Post-It Promise
It was twelve o'clock on Friday afternoon and Richard Castle was casually lounging around his living room in his pajamas. He had his laptop on and was switching between playing candy crush and writing the rough draft of the chapter he'd been working on for the past week.
He hadn't made much progress on the chapter though due to an overwhelming lack of motivation to write. He hadn't bothered to change out of his sleepwear either since he wasn't planning on going out that day.
Castle had been cooped up in his loft all week and it was starting to drive him stir crazy. He really needed a change of scenery. Beckett had called him a few times to inform him about a new case, but he just didn't feel like going in to work with her today. In fact, he hadn't been to the precinct all week.
Going to the precinct each day was becoming a burden to Castle. What once was the highlight of his day was now an onerous excursion. Castle was starting to dread showing up to the precinct to work alongside Beckett. Seeing her and being forced to act like he only knew her on a professional level was killing him. He wanted to know how she was doing. How she really was.
Castle had asked Beckett a few times to go out to dinner just as friends, but each time she politely declined. He didn't even get to bring her coffee every morning like he used to anymore. Oftentimes, she had either already made a cup herself or was having coffee with Demming, or Schlemming,as he had mentally nicknamed him.
Castle was jealous of Demming always stealing their precious coffee time. It was his special way of starting the day off well by putting a smile on her face and now he didn't even have that to look forward to. Castle had been fighting so hard to keep up the pretense of normalcy, but behind his goofy smiles, corny jokes, and lighthearted banter, beyond those crystal blue eyes that faked happiness, he was miserable.
Castle was trying his best to get on Beckett's good side, but nothing he did was right in her eyes anymore. He didn't know what he was doing wrong. He was always on his best behavior, minding the rules and trying not to annoy her with his usual jest.
The last time Castle was this obedient, he was rewarded for being a good boy with an impromptu rendezvous with her. God, he missed how sexy and spontaneous she could be.
Despite all his efforts, they were far from being friends like they used to be. She never joked along with him or gave him the time of day anymore. These days, he was lucky to get a real laugh or even a wholehearted smile from her. It was discouraging to see all his efforts constantly end up in vain and frankly, he was starting to wonder if he should even keep trying to win her back.
She seemed so adamant about shutting him out completely. They were slowly falling apart, piece by piece, and it was effortless. Even though they were still together as partners, he was losing her just the same.
They were two alphas fighting passionately to get their own way and neither side was willing to relent. It was as if he were an unstoppable force and she were an immovable object, and if they weren't careful they would pass right through each other and just drift apart in opposite directions. It wasn't what he wanted but that was the most likely future scenario they were heading toward.
They couldn't move forward if she wasn't willing to meet him halfway. He couldn't keep waiting indefinitely for her to open back up to him again, but he didn't want to give up either.
Rick was still hurt by the things she said to him about just being a superficial playboy, but he would be lying if he said he didn't want her back. A part of him still hoped and believed that she didn't really think of him like that and that she was just feeling insecure about the nature of their relationship. But he had tried everything he could think of to fix things with her and now he was out of ideas and hope.
The prospect of their romantic relationship ever rekindling was looking bleak and he didn't know if he could stand by and watch her fall in love with another man. The hardest thing to do would be to watch the person he loved love someone else.
The sound of keys unlocking the front door shifted his attention away from his thoughts as his mother Martha strode through the doorway with her usual gusto. She was surprised to see her son in the living room still in his pajamas.
"Hello mother," he greeted her listlessly.
"Richard, what are you doing here?" she asked animatedly.
"Um, I live here?" Rick stated the obvious. He knew that wasn't the answer she was looking for but it was the most logical response.
"Yes I know that dear, but why are you still in your pajamas? It's already noon!" she exclaimed. "Shouldn't you be at the precinct helping detective Beckett?"
"I have a lot of other stuff to do…" he lied.
She noticed the game he was playing on his laptop. "Working hard or hardly working?" Martha queried with a raised eyebrow.
Rick ignored her question.
Martha eyed her son up and down and took note of his disheveled appearance. Unkempt hair, rumpled clothing, a hint of scruff forming around his jawline. He looked like he hadn't been out of the apartment for days.
"Have you been out lately? Why aren't you at the precinct? When's the last time you've even left the apartment?"
"Umm… I don't remember. I haven't gone to the precinct all week," he shrugged. "I thought it'd be more productive for me to stay home and work," Castle explained.
Martha wouldn't accept that as a valid answer. She too had noticed his increasingly frequent absenteeism from the precinct but had refrained from questioning it until now.
Martha sat down on the couch next to her son, looking visibly worried. Her voice changed considerably out of concern for him.
"Richard dear, what's wrong? Is this about Beckett?" she inquired gently. Who else could possibly have this kind of effect on him?
He sighed heavily and closed his laptop. "Yeah," he confessed with eyes downcast.
"What happened? Did you two get into another fight?" she asked.
"No, we're not fighting… We're not talking much at all these days," Rick admitted. There was hollowness in his voice that hinted at the grief underlying his countenance.
"Why not?" Martha questioned further.
"It's just… we haven't been the same ever since I came back from Europe. She moved out and moved on without a moment's notice. She ended things just like that and has been cold to me ever since," he sighed dejectedly.
"I've been trying to win her back but she keeps pushing me away. She acts like she doesn't even want me around anymore," he confessed. The look in his eyes was as empty as his voice.
"Oh Richard…" she cooed. Martha hated seeing her son so heartbroken.
Kate Beckett always had a strong influence over him and their breakup had really taken a toll on him emotionally. Their current arrangement was clearly toxic to his well-being yet like an addicted junkie, he just kept going back to her for more.
"I don't see why you keep putting yourself through this if it makes you so miserable. You've done enough research to fill a hundred novels, yet you keep going back. Why is that?"
Rick thought for a moment about the real reason he went to the precinct day in and day out to work with Beckett. It wasn't because he needed to do more research for his novels. It hadn't been about that for a long time.
"It's not about the books anymore," he said.
"Then what is it about?"
It was about her. Kate Beckett, the most extraordinary person he'd ever met. Working alongside her for the past few years had been some of the greatest times of his life. Somewhere in between being partners, friends, and lovers, he had fallen in love with her.
"I love her," Rick admitted aloud. "I'm her partner and I care about her. I want to be there for her, always. I don't want to give up, but I just don't know what to do anymore."
He was drained, mentally and emotionally, from fighting for her and against her at the same time. Loving her was exhausting.
Martha considered the state of their relationship. He was doing the noble thing by being loyal and dependable and continuing their partnership, but he couldn't keep up this act for long. Not at the expense of his own happiness and emotional well-being. He deserved to be happy too.
Martha thought carefully before she offered her next piece of advice. Rick wasn't going to like how it sounded, but it's what he needed to hear.
"Sometimes loving someone is knowing when to let go," she said gently.
The meaning of her words slowly diffused into his mind. The prospect of what that meant, not being with her in any manner or capacity anymore, was one Rick didn't want to think about. But it was a stark reality he had to face.
"If what you say is true," she continued. "If she really doesn't want you around anymore, then you have to respect that. You have to let her go and move on."
Rick tried to come up with any reason why he shouldn't let her go, but he was coming up short. He hated to admit it, but she was right. He had tried his best, but it just wasn't enough. Maybe it was time to let her go.
"You're right," he said. It was just as selfish of him to be pushing for her as it was for her to be pulling away from him.
"I know it hurts dear." Martha rubbed his back soothingly. "I know how much you care about her."
"Yeah…"
They sat in silence for a while as Rick mulled over what he should do about Kate. He wasn't giving up on her; he would always be there for her in any way she needed. But they couldn't continue like this. A decision had to be made.
He was going to give her a choice: whether she still wanted him around as her partner or not. The final decision would be up to her and whatever it was, he would respect it.
"I'm going to go talk to her," he decided finally. "I'll let her decide whether she still wants me around. If not, then that's it."
"And then what?"
"I don't know… I think maybe I need to get away for a while."
A change of scenery, a different environment, was just the refreshing restart he needed.
An idea popped into Rick's mind as he remembered something tucked away in his desk drawer. It gave him a small glimmer of hope for them.
The Fourth of July was coming up which meant it was time to take an annual trip to his place in the Hamptons, per his yearly tradition. Alexis had a pre-freshman summer program to attend at a local college so she couldn't come with him this year.
"That might do you some good."
"Thanks for the talk, mother."
"Anytime, Richard. I really do hope it works out between you two. I hate to see you lose someone so important to you."
"Yeah, I hope everything works out too."
Rick got up from the couch and went to take a shower. Freshly shaved and changed into sharp clothes, he headed out to the 12th precinct with new resolve.
As Rick strode into the familiar bullpen a while later, anxiety started to bubble in the pit of his stomach. He instantly spotted Kate sitting at her desk, working diligently on some paperwork. He paused for a minute to watch her and take in the moment.
If he ever came upon a major crossroad in life, this was it. This could be one of the last times he ever saw or spoke to her. The woman that he had come to know and love over the past few years might soon become but a mere part of his past. Someone he used to know. Someone he used to love. All the time they spent together would be nothing more than a bittersweet memory of a love lost. That thought was terrifying to him.
Rick mustered up enough courage to move forward. They needed to make a decision about whether they should continue this lonely relationship that was their partnership. He approached her desk cautiously and announced his presence.
"Beckett," he addressed her plainly.
Kate looked up at him with surprise. "Castle." His name slipped from her mouth like second nature.
She was not expecting him to come by the precinct today, especially not randomly halfway through the workday. He had been constantly on her mind ever since Alexis stopped by and unleashed her justifiable fury the other day.
Beckett had intended to go talk to Castle tonight after work, but now here he was in person. There was a seriousness in his expression that made her worried.
"I didn't think you were coming in today. You said you wanted to sit this case out." Beckett had called him earlier in the week about the case but he declined to participate. She had already caught the killer and closed the case. Now she was processing the confession and finishing up the paperwork.
"Yeah, I didn't come to help you on the case," he stated.
"Oh…" Beckett wracked her brain for another reason why he would stop by, but she came up empty.
"Then why are you here?"
Her question sounded somewhat cold, but she didn't mean it like that. She was genuinely curious as to why he would come to the precinct if it wasn't to work on a case or do some research.
"I need to talk to you."
"Okay…" she accepted slowly.
He took a deep breath and began.
"I don't know about you, but the past few weeks have been really difficult for me. Nothing's the same between us anymore. I've been trying to go back to just being friends with you, but you've been insistent on pushing me away. You constantly get annoyed by everything I do and you haven't been trying to make things work. Most of the time I feel like you don't even want me around anymore," Rick expressed dejectedly.
He was confirming all the accusations that Alexis had levied against her. She was guilty beyond reasonable doubt of treating him inadequately and taking him for granted. The unmistakable sadness that strained his voice was heartbreaking.
"Honestly, I don't know if I should continue being your partner."
There it was, the reason behind his visit. A proposition to end their partnership.
"What are you saying?" Beckett asked apprehensively.
Rick paused to formulate the words in his head.
"I'm giving you a choice: whether you still want me as your partner or not. If you're willing to put forth the effort to work things out, I'm willing to continue to do so too. I don't want to give up on our partnership, but I need you to at least meet me halfway. That's the only way this can work."
His words hung heavily in the air as he let the significance of the proffered choice weigh in. Whatever her decision was, she would have to live with the consequences knowing it was exactly what she wanted. No regrets, no take-backs.
They were teetering on the edge of estrangement and engagement and even the slightest breeze would tip them into oblivion.
He sighed. "Look, I just want you to be happy…" Rick said quietly. "And if you're happier without me in your life, then so be it."
Beckett could hardly form coherent words to respond to him.
"Castle…" she breathed.
Rick continued. "I'm going away to the Hamptons for a week to write. I want you to come with me, just to relax and unwind. No funny business, I promise. I'm not asking you to get back together with me or anything. I just want to start making things better between us again. I think it might be good if we had some time outside the precinct to just talk and be friends again. It could be fun," he suggested.
"But if you don't want to come… well I guess I won't be coming back then," Castle shrugged.
"It's up to you," he finished quietly.
She gaped at him wordlessly, completely at a loss for what to say. He was giving her an ultimatum. Choose him or let him go. If she didn't accept his invitation, she would lose him forever.
Rick was about to leave when he remembered one last thing.
"Oh, and I know this might not mean much, but I kept it all this time."
He dug into his pocket and handed her a small slip of paper.
"I'm not holding you to it, but if it's still valid I'd like to cash it in." He gave her a weak smile.
With that Rick turned around and departed the bullpen silently, leaving Kate alone to her thoughts.
She blinked in stunned silence, watching him go. He entered the elevator and they made eye contact for a few more lingering moments before the steel doors closed, obscuring her view of him.
Kate looked down at the small piece of paper she was clutching in her hand. She knew, even before unfolding the canary yellow paper, exactly what it was. As she opened the note and read the scrawl, its contents confirmed her expectations.
On the square parchment was her own handwriting and signature: one super dare for Richard Castle, as promised by Kate Beckett.
Suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and it's effortless
A/N: Oh man, who remembers where the post-it was from? That was so long ago. Kudos to those who do remember :)