Kurt needed to be safe. That was all he was thinking as he slammed the door to his room shut. Safe. Alone. Control. He fell on his bed and buried his face in his pillow and everything came tumbling down. He didn´t manage to keep control. He lost control over everything. His body was shaking and tears fell down like a waterfall. He was almost hyperventilating. The sobs that escaped his mouth was enabled to be kept inside.
When he finally calmed down, he felt exhausted, a shamed and embarrassed. His dad could not see him this way. He works to hard for them to have a normal life, a house and a garden. He does not have to handle this. His dad should not have to worry about him upon all his other worries in his life.
This is Kurt´s problems, and Kurt´s alone. He has to find a way to survive this on his own.
There is a soft knock on the door, and he can hear his father say: «Kurt, can I come in. We need to talk about this.»
Ok, maybe he can convince his father that he will be ok eventually. That he just has some issues to work through. Just some everyday teenage drama. That might work. He feel the control slowly coming back to him and he breathes slowly in and out. Kurt quickly get himself up into a sitting position on the bed, and he straightens his hair, and hope his eyes isn´t to red and puffy from all the crying.
«Come in» Kurt calls to his dad. Burt enters the room and sits down on the bed next to Kurt. They stay silent for a while.
«I´m so sorry Kurt. I haven´t been there for you like I was supposed to. I haven´t been a good father to you lately.» Burt said looking at Kurt. Kurt just looks down on his hands. He is trying to hold them still, but they are shaking. «I know you are struggling with something, and I want you to know that you can always come to me with your problems. I hate my self for not noticing sooner. I wish your mother was here…She was so good at this stuff….I`m not sure how to…to..» Burt stops as his voice cracks.
As his dad mention his mother, Kurt feels the control slipping away again. He misses her so much. And he can´t keep himself up anymore. He falls apart right there in front of his dad, just like he promised he wouldn´t do. His dad just hold him tight, like he used to do when he was a child. For how long, he doesn´t know. In the end he is exhausted and empty.
He can feel his dad lighten the embrace and straighten himself up. «Eh..d-do you want to talk about it?» Burt voice is careful and the sound almost comes out as a whisper.
«No» Kurt answers. «Not now. I can´t ,it´s just to much….» His head is spinning again and his throat is sore from all the crying. «But today….» Kurt whispers «…today was better…»
Burt hugs his son again and says: «We´ll talk about it when you are ready, kiddo. I´m glad today was better. I will always be here for you, Kurt. Please remember that.»
«Thanks dad» His dad stands up and walk across the room towards the door.
«Dad?»
«Yes, kiddo?»
«I love you to»
«I know»
Kurt lies down as he hear the soft click of the door. He is exhausted, his head hurts and his throat is sore. He need some sleep. But first he stretches down and finds his phone in his bag. He opens the last text and press answer.
From Kurt:
«How did you stop?»