It was night. The moon hung heavy in the sky and Jareth found himself thrown by how quickly the time had passed. After Jacques had left his side to inform the court of their summons he had decided that he had grown tired of sitting at his window. So he had taken to walking. He had meandered far into the groves of his gardens, his eyes somehow sightless and his mind far away. It was only when he heard the caw of a Hucklebird, a creature that only awoke after the sunset, that he seemed to return to his body. In that moment he had sighed, long and low, deciding it was time to face his greatest fear.
Sarah.
He looked up at the castle, spotting a distant light in the window that he knew belonged to his study. He supposed he could no longer put their inevitable meeting off. Damn it. So he slid his eyes closed, focusing as he felt the wind change and the warmth around him grow, and when he opened them he found himself outside his study door.
He was never this terrified before, it almost confounded him to find his heart thumping in an erratic rhythm. What could have changed so much he wondered? Oh, that was it. Love. What a wonderful emotion he grumbled.
Opening the door gently he searched for the girl that had brought such ruin to his life. And there she was, kneeling before the fireplace on a crimson rug, basking in its glow. It was strange how the flames lit her; somehow she lingered in the darkness while being blinded by the light.
He couldn't quite decide if she looked an angel or the devil.
The way the lights shrouded her face in shadow, only a hint of a gleaming emerald eye visible to him, she did indeed look something like a devil. But yet the way her hair swayed ever so gently in the breeze from the open window and the firelight fell against the pale sheen of her skin...yes, he thought, she did look rather like an angel.
It was a glorious moment when she looked up, a smile gracing her face.
"Hey." She whispered, her voice accompanied by the symphonies of the wind and the low burn of the flames.
"Hello to you too." He offered her a small smile as he closed the door behind him, meandering seemingly aimlessly into the room.
Sarah watched him curiously as he seemed to keep to the shadows, his heeled boots clicking lightly about the floor as he walked.
"I haven't seen you all day." She said, arching a delicate brow as her companion crossed his arms, leaning back against the bookcase on the far side of the room.
"Yes…well…I've had a lot on my mind I'm afraid. I hardly know where the days gone." He gave her a humourless laugh; still unsettled by the shadows flickering about her elegant collarbone and the way it made him ache. Sarah smiled a little, lips curving in the firelight to show just a hint of her teeth. He didn't think he had ever realised just how sharp they were.
"Last night…it was certainly an ordeal." She reasoned gently, an understanding nod accompanying her words. He glanced away as a tendril of black hair came loose, curling deliciously over the swell of her breast. Swallowing, he thought to revise his earlier sentiment. This girl was the devil.
"Indeed it was." He whispered, his brow furrowing as he maintained his gaze at the wall. Sarah cocked her head slightly, gazing at him curiously. He was strange today. Something in him was different. The power in his eyes had dimmed, the confidence in his stance was weak, and it seemed altogether like he was afraid of something. She didn't like the way it unsettled her.
"Are you okay?"
Jareth did look at her then, and she saw the dregs of confusion in his eyes as he gazed at her.
"I think so. I believe I'm just…I fear I've just been thinking too much."
"About what?"
"Everything." He murmured, running a gloved hand down his face in an effort to maintain his composure. In truth he thought cared little for his world anymore, he cared little for the people, even for himself. It was her that made him feel afraid. It was she that made him feel, for the first time in his life, unsure. She had shaken the foundations of his world and yet she seemed oblivious. Whether it was ignorance or cruelty he couldn't quite decipher it.
"Well…we're in this together aren't we? We can share the load. Partners?" The coy smile that played about her lips was enough to shake even the strongest man's resolve, and so he broke a little, returning it with a light nod.
"Partners."
She watched him for a while before turning back to the flames, holding her palms over the flickering embers. He was being strange. And so was she.
She was right.
Something was different. Something about last night, something about watching the celestial visions had changed something within them. It had terrified her the moment he walked in the room. She could almost feel the air change, her skin pricking with some strangely pleasant anticipation, her heart leaping at the sight of him in the doorway. It was an enigma, the way her mouth had gone dry and her throat had felt stuck. She wanted to say so many things, and yet she found that she couldn't. She was second-guessing herself, something that she hadn't done around him in the longest time.
Curse her foolish heart. And curse her foolish mind for allowing it to happen. And curse him too. Him and those wonderful eyes and that charming voice, that brilliantly kind smile that she so often felt was reserved only for her. Curse him and damn him to hell for it.
"I thought you were busy?" She cleared her throat, willing herself not to look over her shoulder to him.
It was after a moment that she heard his footsteps fall closer, and the gentle rustle of his clothing told her that he had taken a seat beside her before the fire. Even though she was sure that it was in her mind, she thought could feel the warmth of his body. It burned more than the flames.
"I suppose I just couldn't keep away."
The smile in his voice urged her to glance up, and as she did she caught the flicker of a smirk, although in the darkness it looked somewhat bitter.
God, he really was beautiful wasn't he? The amber glow turned his hair almost white, his eyes a terrifying shade of cool blue. She thought she could see the fire dancing in them.
"Was that charm or sarcasm?" She retorted quietly, shifting the hem of her dress so that it fanned out around her. It did nothing to distract the kindly laughter he gave her.
"Your scorn wounds me woman." He mimicked her shifting, stretching his legs out before him and reclining back on his hands. Yet it seemed his gaze was still strangely blank, even despite the warmth of his voice.
They listened to the crackle of the flames for a moment or two, admiring the way it could be heard even over the howl of the wind. It seemed that neither wanted to break the silence. Sarah pondered that it was strange how the words had tumbled so freely for them the night before, and how it seemed neither could string a complete sentence together now.
Maybe they both realised that things had changed.
"How was the Duke? I haven't met him, is he nice?" Sarah said lightly, flicking the hair from her face in an effort to seem nonchalant. But it seemed that she couldn't distract herself from the way their hands were so close atop the rug, so close that if she moved a few more inches they would meet.
Jareth raised his brow.
"Well...nice is a...it's a subjective term isn't it?" He drawled and she nodded, as if pondering it. When the words dried up and silence fell, Jareth's already faint smile faded.
"What's his name?" Sarah prodded further, desperate to get some kind of conversation flowing. She hated this quiet Jareth, this strange lost in his own head Jareth. He was so hard to read this way.
"His name is Jacques. We were boyhood friends...yet we fell out of touch a number of years ago." He sighed quietly as he realised his hope for a companionable silence would go unanswered. But he couldn't really be angered at the wide-eyed curiosity of the small girl beside him. How infuriating.
"Why?" Came the inevitable question.
"You know, I've never had children but I suppose this incessant questioning is something I have yet to look forward to." He said dryly, unable to stop the crooked smile forming as she rolled her eyes.
"Avoiding the question. Clever. But transparent."
"And here I thought I was being rather elusive." He teased. Yet Sarah sighed, shuffling closer to the fire. He observed the way her eyes focused on the flames, unwilling to push him anymore, and he was rather grateful for it. But he supposed there was no point in being evasive any longer. So after biting on his lip for a moment, he spoke.
"Because he's the same as everyone else in the end. They all want something from me, Sarah. Every single one of them. Be it wealth or land...even the bragging rights to call themselves a friend of the King. And it seemed that everyone was so determined to take a piece of me that I had nothing left to give."
He watched her still; brow drawing together in what he thought was sympathy. Then her fingers twitched, just so they brushed his atop the crimson rug. He was grateful for the contact.
"Everyone wants something from me except you. You never really wanted anything to do with me at all." He relented, voice hushed. Sarah swallowed, trying to conjure a reply.
"I just wanted you to be kind." She murmured softly, the crease in her brow deepening.
Jareth gritted his teeth as a myriad of images flashed through his mind. Half remembered words and broken scenes, all of him and the terrible things he had said and done to her. How had he been so dreadfully cold? So cruel and callous? It darkened the very soul of him to remember the broken glimmer in her eyes as she had looked at him during those times, it cut through him like shards of shattered glass scattered throughout his heart.
Fool.
"You're different now." Sarah shifted a little closer, her voice dropping to nothing but a whisper as a shadow passed over his face. She knew what he was seeing because she was seeing it too. But the difference was that he was far more broken by it than she ever had been. How strange that was.
"Can my actions now change what once passed?" He laughed a little humourlessly, keeping his eyes trained on the steady battle of the flames as they fought to stay alive. She moved to rest her hand fully atop his.
"Nothing is ever forgotten, Jareth. But I can forgive it."
"Can you?" He said, voice low and almost cold, yet still Sarah did not think his foul mood was directed at her.
"We both did awful things. Can you forgive me?" She challenged back. After a moments hesitation, Jareth turned to her with nothing but honesty in his eyes.
"I'd forgive you anything."
Sarah swallowed, hard, as she fought to turn her gaze away from him. God, why couldn't her heart stop beating so hard? She felt like her palm was on fire, her body bristling every time he shifted even a little closer.
Stupid girl.
"What did you talk about?" She breathed, unsure of how to go on as her chest tightened with that feeling…that wonderful feeling it was impossible to ignore now.
Jareth huffed a sigh, stroking a hand through wild hair.
"Nothing much. Just catching up really…except…" His mouth remained open, the fragmented sentence hanging in the air, hooking Sarah's concern. She cocked her head a little, furrowing her brow as she watched him try and grasp the words.
"During my visit with Jacques...he suggested I bring the court back to the castle. He said what point is there in trying to keep you hidden away. And I do believe he spoke sense."" The words were said ever so carefully; as if he was loathe to even say it. Sarah sat up straighter, confused.
'What do you mean bring them back?" She murmured, concern growing as he refused to look at her. She squeezed his hand that still rested beneath hers lightly, demanding his attention. Unable to retain his steadfast avoidance, he glanced at her, and Sarah felt her heart sink at the darkness that had taken his eyes.
"They're coming to live here." Was his revelation. For a moment she looked at him, unsure of what the meaning of it all was.
"So…they'll be here in the castle? All the time?" Her heart had started to tremor a little, a nervous energy pulsing faintly within her. Jareth offered a half smile and she could see the sympathy lingering on the edges of it.
"I'm afraid so."
She sat back, her hand slowly retreating from atop his in a way that left him feeling rather cold. It left him feeling empty.
"So does that mean I'll have to act differently?" She said in hushed tones, unaware of the desperate look in his eyes as he shifted to face her.
"We'll have to be on our guard. We can't do as we wish anymore…I know it's not wanted, but it is needed. I was ignorant in the matter before. I'm sorry."
At the sound of his apology, Sarah reached a hand to rest against his arm lightly, offering a small morsel of comfort.
"It's not your fault. It's just going to be a bit weird." She bit her lip as she finished speaking. This was hardly welcome news to her ears. She was already dealing with the development in her feelings towards him; she couldn't even contemplate trying to walk through the minefield of the court at the same time. And he wouldn't be himself anymore, which was what hurt her the most. He would be that angry Jareth again, the arrogant one who smirked and flirted and strode through a crowd in a way she didn't recognise. She swallowed hard, her throat suddenly dry.
"They arrive tomorrow. So I'm afraid tonight is our last night of freedom." He laughed, although the strained sound didn't seem to involve any genuine mirth. Sarah threaded her hand through her hair, trying to hide the weight of her disappointment.
"Better make it worth it then." She tried a smile, satisfied when he nodded approvingly.
"Absolutely...anything in mind?" A lascivious grin crossed his face, roguish and ever so charming. The appearance of it was surprising and yet the jovial nature of it was welcome. Despite herself Sarah couldn't help but laugh loudly, smacking him lightly on the arm.
"It's not what you're thinking, I can assure you." As her laughter died her eyes traced the faint smirk that was left on his lips. It wasn't arrogant or cruel, it was rather playful.
"What a pity." His voice had dropped an octave lower, leaving Sarah's breath hitching in her throat as it rumbled through her. There was that fire again, sparking deep in her belly, urging her to stoke it.
His eyes were on her then, devouring the way her breath had stopped a little short and her eyes had hastily dropped to the crimson rug. She looked so very nervous. It made his heart beat faster than he cared to admit. Yet it made him pause for a moment.
He had been so concerned with his own heart and his own feelings, lost in his mind as he tried to make sense of it all that he had forgotten about her. He had forgotten to wonder what she felt. Fondness, he knew that was there. Affection most probably. But this strange demeanour of hers, the dilation of her pupils and the seemingly nervous way she found she couldn't look at him. It left him pondering if maybe…maybe she felt something a little more.
"Something on your mind, Sarah?" He said lightly, teasing in a way that he knew would fluster her. The faint blush staining her cheeks had told her that he hit a nerve.
"Nothing." Was the quick reply, a shrug accompanying the words. Yet she was still hiding her face from him, using the raven waterfall of her hair to shield herself. Despite everything, despite his troubles and despite the impending darkness, he found himself smiling.
"You're rather beautiful when you blush." He whispered, a sense of euphoria spreading through him as she chuckled, stroking the hair slowly from her face.
"What's with the charm offensive?" She said suspiciously, trying to quieten the notion in her mind to reach out and touch him. The temptation was so strong, she was sure she could if she was braver. Once again she found herself wondering what it would be like to be held by him.
Jareth shrugged, feigning ignorance as he offered a grin.
"I'm always charming. It just took you this long to notice."
Sarah rolled her eyes, stretching her stiff body before the fire, bathing in the warmth like a cat on a lazy afternoon. Jareth watched her move, and as she settled he thought she was trying to kill him with the way her spine curved in the most delicious way. His eyes traced the line of her as she strained…he didn't think he'd ever noticed just how voluptuous she was before. Those curves were perhaps the most delicious thing he'd ever seen.
Sarah cleared her throat as she withstood his scrutiny, eyeing him nervously as she clearly saw the hunger of his gaze.
"I'll miss this. Sitting around and doing nothing all day." She hoped the words would be a distraction to him, something to quell the desire in his eyes, as she had no wish to try and decipher it at that moment. But even as the want faded he still maintained that playful spark.
"Are you inferring you'll miss my company?" He gasped mockingly, as if the suggestion was ludicrous. Sarah laughed, warmed by the easy way they had fallen into their routine again. It had had her worried for a while, the way they just couldn't find the words. But this easy toying and playful fighting reminded her just why she loved being around him. He made her laugh; he could make her smile truer than anyone she had ever met. What a strange thing that was.
"Did I say that?" She teased, her tongue flitting between her teeth as she grinned. Jareth sighed, the dregs of a smile against his face.
"Every time I think I get close to a compliment from you, you dash those dreams spectacularly." He said admonishingly, and Sarah narrowed her eyes, affronted.
"Oh come on, I say nice things about you."
"I can't recall them." He scoffed indignantly.
"I called you handsome. Before…" Sarah's voice trailed away as she heard the words that tumbled from her. To her chagrin she felt a deep blush flood her entire body as her eyes dropped to the floor. Yet it did nothing to stop the slow grin that took hold of Jareth.
"Indeed you did. Do you stand by that?" He whispered curiously, enjoying the look of embarrassment upon her face far too much to be considered decent. All he earned from her was a loud tut and an annoyed glance.
"Fishing for compliments is not attractive." She scolded, shifting her dress as a means to distract herself. Yet he was very much like a dog with a bone, intent on chasing it.
"I thought we already established that you found me attractive?"
Sarah's mouth dropped open, both bemused and aghast at his audacity.
"I said you were handsome. Not that I found you attractive."
Jareth quirked a dubious brow.
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"Not always." She said simply, returning to looking at the fireplace in an effort to avoid his scrutiny.
Jareth watched her, bemused as she pretended to be otherwise occupied. She probably thought she was doing a good job of it too.
"What a pity. I find you indescribably attractive." He smirked.
It was too delicious really; the way emotions crossed her face so plainly. It made toying with her so very easy. With what sounded very much like a gulp, she dared to sneak a peek at him from behind her hair.
"You...you think I'm attractive?" The effort to sound casual was lost beneath the tremor of her voice.
"If you haven't quite got the message yet Sarah, then I fear you never truly will." He said dryly.
"Why?"
"Fishing for compliments is not attractive, Sarah." He repeated the words back to her, and Sarah pushed him away with a barely concealed smile.
"You're a bastard."
"I thought I wasn't anymore?"
"I changed my mind." She said firmly, a laugh filtering through her words as he heaved a sigh. The humour in the air settled into something warm and comfortable, leaving the mood much lighter than it had been before. Sarah glanced over at him, watching his relaxed demeanour as he basked before the flames. And there was that feeling again…that wonderful terrifying beautiful feeling.
Stupid girl.
"So the court…what do I need to know?" She almost hated herself for asking and ruining the peace, but she supposed with them coming so soon then she needed to know. She also supposed she needed a distraction from her own treacherous thoughts. Jareth grimaced.
"We'll have a routine. We'll have to break our fast with them...listen to summons...we'll mingle throughout the day. Then the evening meal comes which we will sanction. Then the musicians will come in during the night and we'll drink and be merry. And we'll answer any requests for a private audience after that." He listed mechanically, leaving Sarah stunned. After a moment she raised her brow, puffing out her cheeks as she exhaled.
"No more staying in bed until midday then?"
"I'm afraid not. I had become accustomed to whiling the day away with you. I shall miss that." He smiled softly at her; in that strange admiring way he had been doing lately. She couldn't help but return it in kind.
"We'll still be together the whole day." She reasoned lightly, but when he frowned she felt her smile fade.
"Oh yes, most of the day. But we won't be alone again for a while."
Sarah felt her heart start to sink, down into the depths of her body. They wouldn't be alone anymore?
"What about at the end of the day?" She said carefully, trying not to sound as desperate as she felt.
"It's seen as inappropriate. We're not yet married." Jareth raised his brow as he gave his whispered reply, as if he were about to venture into dangerous territory. Yet Sarah seemed oblivious, scoffing loudly.
"Oh please, from what I hear you people don't know the meaning of chastity."
She peered at him, watching the way he seemed to struggle for the appropriate phrase. If she didn't know any better she thought he would have been blushing.
"You're a virgin. Any doubt in that and this whole thing becomes a bit more…complex, shall we say." He didn't look at her once when he said it. She was almost glad; it felt like her face had burst into flames. Clearing her throat she followed his gaze to the fireplace, her eyes tracing the silhouettes of the burning logs lost within its depths.
"Oh." Was the only thing she could muster.
All of a sudden, it felt like a missing part of the puzzle, a piece she hadn't even realised existed, fell deftly into place.
This whole thing, this whole importance laid so heavily upon her purity…it was because she was expected to be a virgin on her wedding night. And if she were to be a virgin on the night…that meant by morning she was expected…well, not to be.
Her mouth dropped open a little, eyes falling slowly to the carpet.
Just how had she never contemplated that? How had she never even thought about it? She supposed she knew, in the back of her mind, but it had never been a reality until now.
Jareth watched her body go limp as his tongue toyed with one sharp canine, and suddenly he felt very uncomfortable.
"Sarah?..." He said quietly, willing her to come back to him.
He knew what she was thinking; he knew what had just dawned on her. It was so very plain upon her face.
"Do we…" She ventured suddenly, but then her mouth closed, eyes sliding shut as she battled with herself. Jareth didn't need any more than that. He knew what she was asking.
"Yes."
As soon as the syllable dropped from his mouth, Sarah's mind went into overdrive. She was expected to sleep with him. Why had that never crossed her mind before?
Despite her best efforts and to her vehement frustration, a spark of that fire she had felt before erupted deep in her belly at the very thought of it. A sly deceptive little piece of her started on a dangerous track…wasn't this her excuse to follow through with what she desired? She could do it without even admitting what she felt, it was almost the perfect cover…but then the rational part of her mind silenced it. This was to be her first time, the thing she had been building up for so many years however foolishly. And that was just another thing that was being taken away.
"Sarah, please talk to me." Jareth's hesitant whisper was lost in the roar of her thoughts.
"Do I have to?" Her voice was trembling, and it felt to Jareth like his worst fears were being realised. He was losing her.
"It's a consummation. That is all it is." He said softly, placing a hand against the small of her back in an effort to offer what little comfort he could. He had never even thought to bring this up before; he thought it rather went without saying. Another bridge to cross when they came to it so to speak…he should have known better than that.
Fool.
"I don't know what to say. I can't do that." Sarah whispered, her breaths long and shaking. Jareth winced as the words seemed to wound him. Deep down he wished it was as simple as that, but just as their lives had been so far, of course it wasn't.
"You'll be appointed a personal doctor as soon as we are wed. That's custom and unavoidable. He'll examine you every month to make sure your womb is healthy and free to bear children. And he'll notice the physicality of your virginity if the marriage is not consummated." Jareth finished the words quietly, dreading the deep scowl that had begun to devour Sarah's face.
"Examine me? So I have no choice? Again?" She whispered, almost in horror. Jareth swallowed hard, his mind hastily working to try and rectify the dream that was slowly falling apart.
"There is a choice. You can refuse, but it throws so many questions into the air, so much room for speculation. If the marriage isn't consummated then you are not legally my Queen. And if that gets out or even if people suspect it then I cannot protect you." His words were hushed and hurried, desperately gazing at the girl in the hopes she would accept it. It wasn't even about sex anymore; it hadn't been for him for a long while. Of course he desired her so very badly, but that had been pushed to the wayside. He didn't want to lose her now, not when they were so close to being something, anything. The noose was dangling lower and the worst hadn't even arrived. He couldn't bear it.
"It's not a choice Jareth. If I want to be safe and I want this to work then there isn't a choice." Her voice was sharp, cutting through him, God he thought it was killing him.
"Sarah-"
"It's just all about choices isn't it? The choice you gave me to change my words or come with you wasn't a choice really. To help you or not, that was never a choice. And now to...do this...it's not a choice either. I'm not in control of anything!" Her voice was growing louder, her fear of everything, of him and her feelings, of the situation as a whole boiling to a head.
"You control more than you think." Jareth bit back, almost without willing to. Sarah stilled, looking at him incredulously
"Like what?"
"Sarah, I have..." He started, but what could he say? That he was a horrendous beast for doing this to her? That he loathed himself? He could say it all but it would be the same old tune, what difference would it make?
But something within him knew what he should do.
He should tell her that he loved her. He should tell her that he would tear apart the world just so she could build a new one and shape it in whatever image she wanted. He had so many things to say, so many declarations of forever and always and love…but beneath that desire to confess he found an old wound slowly beating. He had done that once. He had offered himself to her and she had denied him. He hadn't spoke of love that time…but it left him weak; vulnerable…he didn't think he would survive it a second time.
So with a harsh swallow he changed his mind. What comfort would that give her, to be in control of a heart as broken as his? Why would she even want it?
Instead he found himself trying to search for a solution, desperately reaching into his mind for an answer to appease her.
"We could lie. Perhaps say your menses had come-"
"Jareth." She scolded, affronted. Yet he floundered in confusion.
"It's a natural process, Sarah. It's the most natural thing on the world." He reasoned to the red-faced girl, yet still she was closed off, her body slowly angled away from him.
"Where I come from we don't really talk about it openly." She muttered, folding her arms as sat, her blood boiling and face burning. There were a few moments of silence, awkward and so quiet. He could hardly stand it.
"We'll think of something." Jareth sighed in defeat, bringing a gloved hand to rub his forehead.
Despite her best efforts, Sarah couldn't help but glance over at him. Her blood cooled as she saw the hurt across his face. He was frowning so hard, but it wasn't at her, it was at himself. Was he hurt? He looked it; by the way his body had shrunk to something ever so small. A little moment of clarity hit her, and Sarah realised the just how personally he had taken her outburst.
"It's not…it's not about you, Jareth. It's just…it's another choice I don't have." She said quietly, trying to ease his wound. He looked at her a little helplessly.
"I can't tell you how sorry I am. If I had the choice over again I would do it all differently. But I will not make you do anything you don't wish to. I will accept your choice, whatever it is." The honesty in his voice moved her. And despite herself, she knew it was the truth. Once again she found herself confronted with the ghost of Jareth's past and how his actions still haunted them.
"I believe you." She said. But it seemed that it wasn't good enough for him. He clawed a hand through his hair, exhaling forcefully as he seemed to lose himself to his troubled mind.
Sarah watched him softly, the panic within her seemingly starting to calm. He seemed so genuine about it all, so apologetic and ashamed. It didn't make it right. But it did help the anger she felt subside. If only a little.
"It's just choices isn't it? It always has been." Her voice was a little resigned now as she stood, walking slowly over to the crystal decanter that lay in the corner of the room. Jareth watched with gritted teeth and a ferocious gnawing at his heart as she poured them both a drink. She hesitated for a moment as her hands hovered above the glasses, obviously trying to collect herself. He heard the slow intake and the heavy sigh that fell from her and thought it was probably the most heart breaking thing he'd ever heard.
Gripping the stems of the glasses she turned back to him and offered a weak smile.
"You're a conundrum, Jareth. I'll give you that." Laughing softly, a sound almost devoid of mirth, she took her place beside him on the rug and handed him a chilled glass.
Despite his logical mind screaming at him not to even attempt it, he hesitantly tried a different tactic.
"I know you place such value upon this. But the emotions can be separated from the act, Sarah." He ventured carefully, gazing into the dark surface of his wine. He heard Sarah scoff lightly.
"Can they?"
"Yes. There were never any...feelings so to speak in it for me. Sometimes sex is just sex. You don't have to place any other importance on it." He chased his words with a long drink, refusing to look at her as his heart pounded.
"I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse." She mumbled, brow furrowing together. It really didn't make her feel better. She wasn't sure what was worse, having no choice in the matter or knowing that it would mean nothing. Both seemed equally abhorrent to her…and then she combined that with the twisting jealousy of the knowledge that he was so experienced with so many different women…well, it didn't leave her very happy at all.
Jareth watched the shadow take her face, she seemed even more disheartened than before
Damn it.
"I don't mean…with you Sarah, it would not be like the others. It wouldn't be..." He groaned into a hand as he trailed off. Why was this so hard?
Sniffing loudly and straightening his back, he tried again.
"I care for you, Sarah. And I care for you far more than any other before you. As such, I would you treat you with that care, and I would never be callous or hurtful or…"
"I get it." She offered him a half hearted smile at the way he dithered. He grimaced, looking into the fire as his attempt to placate her failed spectacularly. In another time Sarah would find it amusing when she looked back at his demeanour. He was so flustered it was almost pitiable.
"It's just...you picture something in your head for so long, and then you're told that you can't have it that way. It's a little sad." Sarah whispered, mouth forming a tight uneasy line as she recalled most of her teenage fantasies did picture it like this. Albeit in those dreams it wasn't because she had to, but everything had most certainly revolved around him. Be careful what you wish for she supposed.
Jareth paused, watching her clouded gaze and allowing his curiosity to take over for a moment.
"How did you picture it?" He whispered.
Sarah swallowed, a harsh sound in the quiet room. Was he a mind reader now? Did he know what she was thinking? A cursory glance of his softly inquisitive expression told her that she was being paranoid. But nevertheless she still felt a little guarded.
"I don't really know. I mean..." She paused, lips parted as she searched for some answer. Besides his involvement did she even know what she had wanted? She placed her glass on the carpet carefully, chewing on her thumb.
"I mean…I know it's not like the movies. I know there's no candles, and there are no rose petals or whatever and music and...that's okay. I never needed that. I just wanted it to be with someone who loves me. And someone I'd love back."
Jareth swallowed, looking into the fire. He should tell her. He should be reckless for one shining moment and confess what he felt. Coward, coward, coward…
"I'm sorry." Was all he could offer, his voice now sounding very much like a broken record. Sarah shook her head, her teeth biting on her tongue painfully.
"I t's so strange…in my head it's not you that did this. It's another you, you know? One that's in the past."
"You can still be angry, Sarah." He muttered, almost wishing she would screech at him and unleash her fury. Maybe he would feel some retribution if she did.
"Oh I am. I'm furious. And a little upset. But in the end what's my virginity when there's a world hanging in the balance? It's nothing really. Maybe I'm being selfish." Her eyes were downcast, a small furrow in her brow. It made him so very sad.
"No, you're not. I was the one who was selfish. And this whole thing...it is something. To you it's something, don't pretend it's not." He scolded lightly, watching as she raised her brow dubiously, picking up her glass once more to drown herself within its depths.
"I...I can't." She breathed, tasting the remnants of wine against her lips as she begged to her God for strength. She heard Jareth swallow.
"If you find yourself unable to do it, then we will face the storm. We have traversed much worse." He said with false confidence, a small nod accompanying his words.
Sarah smiled a little bitterly. He was trying to give her a choice, even though they both knew if she chose wrong then the world will go to Hell. She appreciated it in a way. There was still a faint hope within her, and perhaps it was denial, that things wouldn't come to that. Maybe he was right that there was a chance she wouldn't have to give in to the sacrifice of her virginity. She tried to have faith in him…but still…it was difficult to believe.
What made the whole thing worse was that, in truth, the darkest part of her soul wanted to. God, she wanted to. She had dreamed about it for so many years, and when she had first arrived in the castle the dream had been shattered by his cruel words and callous looks. But recently the dream had begun to knit itself back together, the cracks were still there and it was rather faint, but it was real again. She had thought about it more than once before she drifted off to sleep. Sometimes she even thought about it when she woke. It would be so easy just to say okay and let it happen. But she knew that wouldn't be right, in fact it would be so incredibly morally wrong that she would never forgive herself for doing it. But that didn't stop the desire, which was the most confusing part.
It felt rather like her heart had taken on a weight that was not there before. It didn't dampen what she felt for him, it just confirmed in her mind that no matter how right it felt, she shouldn't feel it. Whatever it was. Stupid girl.
She couldn't tell how long they were silent for after that. The words between them had died and she could feel his awkward frustration as he tried to work out how to continue. She counted up to 562 until he gave up, plucking a book from the ether and settling back on a pile of cushions away from her to immerse himself in it. With a sigh she admitted defeat too, standing to peruse the shelves that lined the room and plucked a book from it that she had no true intention of reading.
There was a moment of hesitation however, when she looked to the pile of cushions where Jareth lounged. Book clutched between her fingers, she found her thoughts a little troubled. Should she join him over there? Should she just give up the fight and lie back with him in a companionable silence? She knew she should be angrier than this, she knew she should probably be tearing apart the walls of this castle brick by brick until he relinquished his hold on her and let her go home. Maybe it was because she had grown up, or maybe it was because she was too tired…but she had no desire to do anything like that. Surely that wasn't right.
She thought for the rest of her life she'd remember that look in his eyes when he had professed his apologies before the fire. It was something she hadn't seen before in him. She had never seen him be so ashamed of himself.
Resting her head on the edge of the bookshelf, Sarah frowned as she watched him.
He looked younger like this, face stoic and eyes downcast as his gloved fingers turned the pages at an inhuman speed. Sarah wondered if he was even really reading. But looking at him like this she could almost pretend that he wasn't broken or damaged, that he wasn't selfish or strange. She thought about that for a long while. What would happen if he were just another man that she had met in a coffee shop or at a bar, what would have happened then? It would certainly be simpler, that she knew for a fact…but then she supposed that would be taking away everything he was. Maybe this was all her fault...maybe she was the one that was twisted for feeling something for him.
She thought back to the night before and the revelations that had fallen upon her under the night's sky. He was trying to be a good man. That was the only thing that was apparent about the enigma of him. He was making such an effort to change, and she could tell a lot of the time that he truly didn't know what the right thing to do or say was. But he was trying. She couldn't be mad when he did that.
And she meant what she had said; this Jareth settled in the cushions wasn't the same man as before, not even remotely. The man of weeks past would have had little pity with her plight, laughing or demanding she do what is expected of her. But this man, he was torturing himself over it. It made it so hard to be poisonously mad like she should be.
What good would it do to punish him now when it was almost like a stranger had put these awful motions in place? What good would it do to punish him for something she had promised to forgive?
Maybe they were both twisted.
Closing her eyes in defeat, she walked to where he sat.
"Mind if I join you?" She gnawed on her lip as a mismatched pair of eyes looked up at her. Jareth hesitated for a moment, surprised at the sound of her voice.
"Of course." He murmured, watching her with a strange sort of gaze as she settled back into the silk, so close to him that their arms brushed together with every slight movement.
Sarah tried to give him no more of a reaction that that, opening her book to glance down at the faded yellow pages. She attempted to take in the words, something about the history of some heroic knight or other, but she could feel Jareth's eyes on her. It was a few moments before he seemed to pluck up the courage to speak what was on his mind.
"I don't know what good I've done in my life to deserve a creature like you."
Sarah closed her eyes, as the words seemed to wrap around her body, drowning out everything else. Her heart seemed to leap with them, limbs starting to tremble. Why did he have to say such wonderful things like that? Did he even realised how much harder it made all this? Almost fearfully, she looked up at him and observed the sadness in his eyes.
"Don't say things like that." She whispered, her hands closing the book seemingly of their own accord. Jareth smiled, strained and resigned.
"It is the truth I fear. I do not deserve the mercy you have given me. Not when I have taken so much from you."
There it was again, right there in his eyes. Shame.
Sarah stroked her hair behind her ears, shifting a little so that she faced him.
"I'm angry, Jareth. I am. And I'm sad. And I'm so scared…and not just about this, but about everything." She started, emerald eyes flickering in the firelight as they widened. Jareth nodded his understanding, waiting with baited breath for her to continue.
"I don't know if I should be screaming at you right now. I don't know if I should call this whole thing off and leave you here to rot…the one thing I do know, is that I don't want to do any of that." Her voice trembled as the ghost of confusion flitted across her face, as if she couldn't quite believe she was saying it. Jareth could only look on in awe as she confessed to the tumultuous thoughts so obviously plaguing her mind.
"This is wrong, what you're asking me to do, Jareth. And I hope to God we can figure this out and find a loophole or something. But you…you were different when all this started. So different. And because of that, I can forgive you-"
"Sarah-"
"Please, I'm not done." She weighed him down with a scrutinising gaze, quietening his interruption. He bowed his head in apology, awaiting her to continue. She took a shaky breath, summoning the last dregs of courage she needed.
"But if there is anything else…anything that I have to do, or say, or go through... anything that you know will hurt me, then you need to tell me right now." She finished, watching as his eyes rose to hers. She thought she could see fear in them. But the fear of what, that she didn't know. It unsettled her.
"Tell me Jareth, because I won't forgive you again." She finished her words with an intent stare, trying to decipher the commotion in the peculiar blue eyes. She watched him swallow, his breath rather shallow, as his words seemed stuck.
He was terrified, so very terrified of the girl kneeling before him and the ultimatum she presented. It was the one piece of information he was holding back, the thorn on the rose, the vinegar in the honey. Penance. He thought her eyes, terrifying and glorious could see that within him. He thought she knew he was a liar and a damned coward.
And knew what had to be done, he should tell her right now; he should fall to his knees and beg forgiveness. Perhaps even confess his tortured love and wish upon a star that she would believe him. He was trying, so hard, to make the words appear. He thought he could weep with the strain of it. But so many scenarios of the confession ran through his mind, and every one of them resulted in losing her. She wouldn't forgive that, no one could. How could he lose her? Not now, not when they were so close. There was something between them; something true and he knew that she felt it too. She wouldn't be so scared if she didn't. He swallowed, his throat incredibly dry as he started to watch the concern flood through her face at his hesitation.
Say it.
He urged himself to do it, to be a good man like he told her he was trying to be. But she was so beautiful, so very precious to him that he couldn't do it. How could he watch the pain on her face as he told her? That was a torture he would never be able to withstand.
So he closed his mouth with a resigned sigh. He knew this was borrowed time. Him and her and the way things were, this couldn't last forever…she would find out.
But not now. And not from him.
If he could live on this borrowed time just a little longer then he supposed he could at least die with the memories of it.
"There's nothing. I promise you." He whispered raggedly, keeping his eyes focused on the way her hands were clasped so tightly together in her lap, as if she were begging him. At the silence he looked up at her, observing the way her eyes were beginning to water.
"Sarah, please…there's nothing…"
But Jareth's words were stunted when the strangest thing of all happened.
He watched Sarah nod lightly, relieved almost, as she seemed to find some kind of truth in his words. She rose up a little on her knees, hesitating, unsure of what she was about to do. Jareth found himself rather terrified at the small girl looming over him. But her body soon engulfed that fear as she gently placed her arms around his neck, drawing him into a close embrace as they sat amidst their pile of cushions.
She rested her head on his shoulder, ever so slowly, the feeling of the linen shirt doing little to disguise the warmth of his skin. All at once she remembered that strange earthy smell of him, like wood and smoke, and something altogether far too magical to describe. And she could feel that he had stopped breathing, too taken aback to decipher what her actions meant. In that she felt safe, because she was sure that he had no idea just what treacherous thoughts she had been thinking of him all day. She was sure that he had no idea her heart was thumping so hard he could probably feel it where their chests met.
"Sarah…" He whispered, and as he turned his head ever so slightly to look down at her, she could feel silken wisps of his hair against her face. But she did not return the gaze; instead she seemed to cling to him harder, trying to convey without any words at all how much this small truth meant to her. She almost smiled as she felt his hands hovering somewhere about her waist, as if he feared touching her would frighten her off.
"Thank you." She whispered into the material of his shirt. His hands slowly came down to rest themselves on the curve of her waist, still awkward and still unsure, but they were firm in their grip. And that was when she felt that fire again. The spark that started where his hands touched her and burned a trail right through to her heart. But this time…this time it was beginning to flood through her. She wasn't sure if it was the rise and fall of his chest or the way each breath he took seemed to caress the back of her neck…Maybe it was the way she could feel all of him, every inch of his body as she had drawn him to her and the way she felt so safe in his embrace. Maybe it was the way the man who was usually all powerful and all confident seemed to become nothing but a boy with no clue how to act in her arms. But something was sparking an overwhelming desire within her. And it wasn't just for his body, that she knew. It was for all of him. With his hushed declaration of open honesty she had felt a weight lift. There was no point looking at the past in her mind anymore, not when they had a future free of deceit and distrust. Her mind felt clear again.
Daring herself to look at him, she raised her head, searching for his gaze and smiling when she found it. How could anyone see him as anything other than beautiful? A little voice told her that she once thought him hideous, but that was then and this was now. And right now…right now she thought him beautiful.
Stupid girl.
"It's okay." The words were so hushed when they fell from his lips that he supposed if he hadn't have been so close she would not have heard. He was surprised he had even been able to command himself to speak for his body was trembling so. Did she even know what she was doing? Did she even know what this meant to him? That she had touched him without fear or disgust, that she had come to him.
To feel her arms engulf him, drawing him to soft curves and supple skin had rendered him speechless. The weight of her cheek had rested upon his shoulder, and for the first time he realised what her scent reminded him of. For years he had wondered just what it was that accompanied her when she walked, when he had watched her years ago as nothing but a ghost. He had caught glimpses of it here and there throughout her time in the castle, but now there was no doubt about it. She smelt like the dust after rain. She smelt like peaches and starlight and oh God it was the most beautiful thing he had ever experienced. It was as if for the first time in his life he could breathe, and yet his lungs felt starved of it. She was ruining him, this girl, this strange creature be it angel or devil he was dying because of it.
And then she had glanced up with a smile on her face and in her eyes, eyes so green even in the dim light that it frightened him. He had felt fear before, but not like this…he had never felt a fear that made him want more. He had never felt a fear in which he wanted to surrender.
He knew he loved her. But now he just wanted to burn with her.
Fool.
"You're a conundrum." She whispered the words, giving a little shake of her head as she kept her eyes locked on his.
"As are you." He breathed back, laughing a little breathlessly when she smiled. In the next moment she slowly withdrew from the embrace, pushing the hair back from her face as if she were embarrassed. He could do nothing but watch as she picked up her forgotten book, settling back into the cushions once more. With a swallow he followed suit, lying back to feel her warmth at his side. He couldn't help but smile, albeit a little sadly, as he thought this borrowed time…well, he thought it was worth it.
He also supposed, if at the end of his long life someone asked him what love was, he would say it was the smell of the dust after rain.