A/N This chapter is most definitely rated M as it is fairly heavy stuff. To those who read this and are following Broken, so sorry for not having it updated. It is 100% planned and just needs to be written. I am desperately hoping to have it written and updated by tomorrow- Tuesday (Aus time) at the latest.
Longest chapter to date so enjoy everyone.
Reviews:
I3VauseMan: Yay for helping avoid panic mode. As for your therapy, honestly I'm afraid there is really no hope for you. So wave a sad goodbye to those choc chip muffins and get to enjoying cake instead. I will however attempt to avoid the use of food as euphemisms for the female anatomy in my future writings (never thought I would ever write that sentence in my life lol), even so maybe it will be best to compile a list for me of your favourite foods to avoid this issue in the future. Honestly, you would be surprised how much reader's reviews do influence some of the things I do, albeit not always consciously and I only notice it if I read it back later on. But I definitely do take into account what you all say and I will make changes to better suit what you guys want all whilst keeping in the original context of the story. I couldn't agree more about the childhood meant to be a sanctuary part, poor Pipes. I loved the last chapter- it was probably my most favourite I have written- that car scene felt amazing to write. All in all this chapter just flowed out of me as I sat down to write it. Keep the songs coming and I now raise my sippy cup of juice back at you.
Guest: Ugh, me too. I love sitting down and writing her this way- I feel like we don't get to see enough of soft Alex. Double date with plenty of teasing will be coming your way.
Sarah Harrison: ME TOO!
VM: Thanks so much, Alex is a pure joy to write. The flashbacks are quickly becoming my favourite thing to write, even if they are a little twisted. I love having to sit down a figure out how and where to integrate them into the chapter. Gets my little brain thinking :P
Sue: Thanks so much, more Piper backstory to come.
Hammo59: Thanks so much.
…
Danny's Room…
Piper's stares at the pale wooden door, her feet frozen in place as her eyes trace continuously over the faint blue letters that brand its face. Her breathing hitches as the memories of the horrors that hide behind that door begin to surface. Piper's right hand raises itself involuntarily, reaching towards and resting itself on the brass door handle, the pull from behind the door proving too strong for her to ignore and continue back towards the safety of the living room. Pushing down on the handle, Piper allows for the door to swing open, it banging against the wall with a slight thud, revealing an empty baron room that was littered with dust.
Piper's eyes instinctively rise towards the rafter of the room, the thick support beam revealing a small divot left from the pressure of the rope and its weight that it had once held. Piper once again feels the bile rise in her stomach, her vision hazing causing her to shut her eyes quickly, hoping the blackness would prevent the horrifying memory from resurfacing. Piper reaches out her hands to steady herself, her fingernails gripping tightly into the wood of the door frame as the memory of that day comes flooding back.
"Piper," her mother calls towards a seated Piper, who stares absentmindedly stares towards the television, her father half asleep grumbling drunkenly to himself about whatever frustrations he had with the day's progressions. Piper raises her head and looks towards the direction of her mother, who stands in the archway of the room, arms folded across her chest.
"Can you go get your brother?" she asks, knowing perfectly well Danny had chosen to hide in his room after yet another merciless beating from their father. Over the last few weeks, Danny had seemed to be receiving the brunt of the unprovoked attacks, her father seemingly choosing to single him out for some unbeknown reason.
Pushing herself from the couch, Piper nods and shuffles her way towards her older brother's bedroom, pausing at the closed door. Using the back of her hand, Piper taps lightly on the door with her knuckles, hoping not to startle her brother, knowing herself full well the fear that could seep in after one of their father's attacks, every creak of the floorboard making you fear he was returning for more.
"Danny, it's me," Piper calls out softly, her hand slowly reaching for the door handle. Hearing no response, Piper pushes the door open, her body going rigid at the sight in front of her. It is in that exact moment Piper feels her heart break, the hopes and dreams of a better future slowly crumbling away to dust at the sight of her brother's lifeless body.
"No, no, no, no" Piper mumbles repeatedly as she enters the rooms and races towards her brother's motionless body. Piper reaches out her hand, her fingers falling upon the cold flesh of her brother's lower leg. A piercing shriek erupts through her body, her chest heaving with sobs as she takes in the reality of the situation. Thick tears cloud her vision as she feels as though the walls surrounding her are suddenly closing in, an impending darkness slowly creeping itself upon her.
Piper hears a shocked female gasp come from behind her before she is pushed aside by the weight of her father's body, who walks calmly towards his eldest son's still swaying body, his lack of reaction disturbing. Taking in the sight of her father in front of her, something snaps inside Piper and she lets out an animalistic scream in his direction. "NO! Don't you fucking touch him," she screams, not wanting for her brother's body to be tainted under their father's hands one last time.
Pushing herself forward in an effort to stop him, Piper is suddenly stopped by the impact of his right hand hitting her cheek, her body falling backwards from the force and onto the floorboards below. Piper remains still for a moment, shocked at the sudden attack, before desperately pushing herself from the floor and back towards her father. Before she has a chance to reach him, two small arms wrap themselves around her body and begin to pull her back towards the entrance of the room.
"No, stop. Get the fuck off me," Piper screams frantically as she attempts to wiggle herself loose from her mother's vice like grip, the distance between Piper and her brother growing further with each pulled step her mother takes back towards the door.
Piper continues to struggle in vain, crying hysterically as she internally prays she could release herself from her mother's grip and protect her brother one final time. "Get her the fuck out of here," her father spits towards her mother, a sickening look of near monotony lacing his face, as if he was unaffected by the tragic scene that was in front of him.
Piper continues to struggle as she sobs, secretly knowing she was, like many times before, unable to control the situation that was at present. As her mother pulls her howling form across the threshold of the door, Piper feels her body betray her and give up, knowing there was nothing she could do to stop it. The final image she sees of her brother is his lifeless hanging form, his dead black eyes blank of all expression and mouth slightly agape, as if he had allowed himself one last sob before the life left his body. With that final glance, the door is slammed shut, leaving her sordid father inside the room with her brother's body, Piper once again powerless to stop him.
Piper's feels the room beginning to close in on her, her vision becoming blurry as she takes in the horrific memory that so often haunted her dreams. Stepping back swiftly from the entrance of the room, Piper slams the door shut and backs her back up against the wall, her mind filled with anger as she remembers her father's unnerved reaction to a situation he had caused.
Glancing forward, Piper's body reels in fury as she sights photos of the three siblings as children, the horrors of their abuse hidden behind their fake smiles in the photographs. Unable to control her anger, Piper yanks a photo frame from the wall and hurls in at the floor, the sound of the smashing of the glass proving to be rather satisfying.
Piper continues along the wall, snatching up and forcefully throwing each photograph, smiling as she hears the glass shatter against the wooden floorboards. Reaching the final photo, Piper stops dead in her tracks, her eyes taking in the sight of a man she had nothing but blind hatred for. Images of her father begin to flash themselves through her mind and Piper can feel the familiar sobs begin to course through her body, the beating of her heart increasing with every resurfaced memory.
Raising her right fist, Piper stares into the smiling man's twisted eyes and drives her fist forward into the photograph, the glass shattering around her hand, her knuckles splitting slightly under the sudden impact. A racking sob escapes from her body as she pulls her fist back and strikes again… and again, the wall behind rattling under the force of her fist.
Piper is oblivious to the sounds of rushed footsteps coming down the hall as she remains determinedly focused on wreaking havoc on the now severely damaged picture frame before here. Before she has the chance to strike again, two arms firmly wrap lovingly around her body, pinning her arms to her side as a voice whispers in her ear, attempting to calm her from her destructive state.
"Pipes," Alex whispers soothingly, holding her girlfriend tightly in her arms as she feels the continuous heaves of Piper's tears flow through her crumbling body, vibrating themselves against her own chest.
Turning herself around, Piper looks towards Alex before she sinks to the ground, the weight of her emotions becoming too much of a burden to carry, her lower body suddenly weak. Violent sobs cut through Piper's body as she desperately clings to Alex, as if her girlfriend's body is the only thing that his stopping her from floating away into oblivion. The broken skin around her knuckles ache as she clenches Alex's shirt, her face buried into the shoulder of her black leather jacket, her nose inhaling her girlfriends scent.
Alex turns her head to glance at a concerned Cal, who stands nervously at the end of the hallway, he himself not wanting to venture towards the room that had once housed his older brother. Nodding her head in reassurance, Alex turns her focus back to her girlfriend, hearing the sounds of Cal's footsteps slowly drifting away back down the hallway.
They continue to remain in silence, the only sounds that could be heard were Piper's whimpers as she attempts to calm herself from the painful memories entering that room had caused her. Alex rubs soft, soothing circles on Piper's back as she holds her in her arms, knowing that Piper needed comfort after whatever trigger had caused her intense reaction.
Calming herself enough to talk, Piper pulls back from the embrace to look Alex in the eyes, the sheer concern in her eyes, making Piper feel exultant yet immensely guilt-ridden for putting the brunette through this much drama. "You know, you don't have to be here," Piper whispers out, her voice breaking as she wills herself to give Alex the option to leave, feeling as though it wasn't fair to pull her into the swirling darkness that was Piper's life. "I would understand if you wanted to leave, you didn't sign up for all this."
Alex simply shakes her head, instinctively pulling Piper closer to the heat of her own body, wanting in that moment for Piper to feel nothing but the love and adoration she felt for her. "Nonsense Pipes, I want to be here for you."
Piper takes a sharp intake of breath at Alex's words, not understanding why this woman wasn't taking the opportunity to run when she had the chance. Piper was damaged goods, always had been and always will be. "Why?" Piper asks simply, not knowing what made her so special and deserving of Alex's affections.
Alex hugs Piper close, placing a small kiss on the top of her head before responding, knowing that this was the perfect moment to say the words she knew she had wanted to say for weeks, finally not scared of making Piper uncomfortable with her confession. "Simple," Alex whispers, her voice never wavering. "It's because I love you, Pipes."
…..
Piper sits on the small park bench, her knees tucked into her chest as she gazes around the park that she had so frequently found solace in throughout her childhood. A place her father's control was unable to dominate. Piper smiles inwardly to herself as her eyes fall upon the swing set she and Nicky had spent hours on as kids, talking aimlessly about the world, allowing Piper to have some faith in the future. A future, Piper had thought she would have had the chance to experience with both her brother's.
After Piper's meltdown at the house, she had told Alex she needed some time alone to process her thoughts, deciding to take the short walk to the park that held so many precious memories. Looking towards the small patch of grass, Piper can picture a smiling Danny as he plays soccer with Cal, throwing Piper a quick wink as he allows their little brother to successfully score. For Piper and Cal, Danny was their rock. A person who provided them a beacon of hope in the bleak world that was their existence. Danny was smart, charismatic and funny. A person who Piper knew would have gone on to do good things in the world, a person who would have initiated change. Yet, sadly with his death, all that promise was washed away in seconds, never having the chance to resurface.
Whilst Piper has been mad at him at first for leaving, years later she finally found herself beginning to understand the reasoning behind his actions. She knew of the unbearable pain, both physically and emotionally, that he was suffering from. If truth be told, the Chapman children were each their own destructive force, their actions guided by the feeling that they don't belong, that they were unworthy of love. Luckily for Cal, he had been young enough to be able to pull himself out of that mindset, finding that once he was away from the confines of that house he could allow himself to be free and build himself a better life. A life he knew he deserved. Piper was different, and in all honesty, if it hadn't of been for Nicky and Cal, she would have most probably have ended up on the same downward spiral that had consumed her brother, her weapon of choice being the drugs she had insisted on taking. Whilst Piper was away from that life now, she knew she was constantly tinkering on the edge and one strong push could send her over, a thought that in itself was truly terrifying.
The scuffing from the sound of boots hitting the grass behind her breaks Piper from her thoughts, her head shifting towards the familiar figure as she sits down beside her, the comforting warmth of her body instantly flooding over Piper. They continue to sit in a comfortable silence, Alex never wanting to push Piper past her emotional limits. Whilst Piper didn't allow it to show at the time, those three words Alex had whispered earlier had meant so much to her. The feeling of knowing that someone loved her unconditionally allowing Piper to begin the process of moving away from her dark past and towards an increasingly hopeful future. Alex had begun to provide the stability Piper needed in her life, the brunette's commitment to her sanctioning Piper to want to strive to move on, willing her to allow herself to discuss the events which had robbed her of her childhood. So in that moment will Alex, she allowed herself to take that first step.
"I had an older brother, Danny," Piper starts off with a shaky voice, allowing her brother's name to fall from her lips for the first time in a long time. "He was one of my best friends. He was my protector, someone who was there for me not matter what."
Alex shifts closer towards Piper, feeling the intense emotional stress radiating from her girlfriend's shaking body. The warmth from Alex's body pressed against hers pushes Piper to continue. "When I was 16, my father had been harassing him for weeks. Picking on every small thing he did and punishing him for every little mistake he thought he had committed. One afternoon he had been particularly ruthless, giving Danny a solid beating just because the school bus had been late."
Piper stops for a moment, wanting to collect her thoughts before she finally whispered the unspoken words which had haunted her all these years. Reaching out, Alex grabs Piper's hand, squeezing it comfortingly to show her it was okay to continue. Piper glances quickly at Alex, before staring out across the park and finally allowing herself to explain the situation that had occurred.
"It was around dinner time when my mother asked me to go get him, needing his help for something. I didn't think much of it at the time, but he had been awfully quiet since my father had had his fun after he got home late. When I went into his room and opened the door, he was just hanging there, a piece of rope from our fathers shed wrapped tightly around his neck."
Piper feels Alex's body slightly jump in reaction to her words, her never even knowing before this moment that Piper had in fact had an older brother. The only person that, aside from Cal and Nicky, and now Alex, Piper had cared deeply for. Piper plays nervously with their intertwined fingers as she continues. "You know, for so long I was so mad at him. I felt so angry because he just decided to leave, as if he didn't care what would happen to Cal or me. He was the one person who kept me grounded through all of it, the one person who stopped me from spiralling out of control. After he died, I sort of just said fuck it and did whatever I wanted. He allowed himself to escape, why couldn't I sort of thing. The drugs numbed the pain, making it to easier to move on."
Piper's breath catches and she swallows, not wanting herself to cry in that moment, willing herself to remain strong. Alex continues to listen intently, finally beginning to understand the truth behind Piper's ways, fear now seeping in as she understands the reasons behind her girlfriend's horrific nightmares. Piper steadies herself and wills her body to continue on.
"But it wasn't moving on really, I was in a standstill. Not progressing anywhere apart from a step closer to my own death with each time I shot up. It took a while to see that, but eventually Nicky got through to me and I let her get me the help I needed. Once I started to get better, I met my trainer John by sheer accident and he taught me about boxing and helped me channel all my emotions into it. Because of him and Nicky, I forced myself to stay clean, finding that I now had something constructive to do with my life."
Piper turns to Alex and smiles, allowing herself to feel happy with the progress she had made. "And then I met you and everything just seemed to fall into place. I felt like it wasn't just me against the world anymore, I had someone else right there with me every step of the way. Honestly, without you and boxing I don't know where I would be right now or who I would be," Piper confesses, knowing that she would be devastated at the loss of the now two most important things in her life, fearing she would not be able to handle the weight of the strain.
Alex smiles back at Piper, taking her free hand brushing Piper's cheek softly. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for as long as you want me."
Piper's heart flutters at Alex's words, a calm falling upon her knowing that Alex would be there for her no matter what. Smiling, Piper leans in and softly kisses Alex, her lips tingly under the touch. Pulling away from the kiss, Piper allows Alex to pull her into a tight embrace, her face resting on the brunette's shoulder, taking in her comfortable aroma, the heavy weight of her confession making her body feel drained of energy. Feeling how sluggish Piper was becoming, Alex pulls her tighter in an effort to support the girl's sleepy weight.
"How about we head to a motel and deal with the rest of this tomorrow," Alex suggests, placing a small kiss on Piper's neck.
Piper simply nods in agreeance, feeling as though this was enough emotional baggage she could handle for one day.
….
Piper lays on the uncomfortable, cheap mattress of the local motel, her eyes firmly transfixed upon the white ceiling of their room, as she allows herself to begin to process the events of the day. In the distance she can hear the shower running, the steam from the hot water seeping out from the door Alex had left slightly ajar, clearly too worried to leave Piper alone after her reaction to the events and confessions that had transpired that day.
Piper's chest rises and falls unevenly, the pressure of the day weighing down heavily upon her damaged heart. Aside from the aching in her chest, Piper's body remained numb, a void filling her as she allowed herself to transcribe out loud the events of the day Danny took his own life for the first time. Piper had replayed that day over and over in her head, her nightmares adding to mix of the constant torture her brother's death had afflicted upon her mind. Yet, up until this day, she had never discussed the burden she carried after she was the one to find her brother's lifeless body.
Nicky knew very little of the details of that day's events, Piper choosing to attempt to suppress the horrific image from her mind through the use of drugs and the decisive ability to not discuss the situation with an outside source other than that of her own mind. Yet, in that moment today under Alex's warm and comforting presence at the park, she had allowed herself to be free of that closeted encumbrance, releasing the thoughts from the confines of the locked cage of her own mind.
I love you. Alex's confessed words in the hallway had resonated through her shaking body, allowing for her to centre her mind and anchor herself back into the present, the thoughts of anger and despair slowly dissipating under the words significance. For most of her life, Piper had attempted to shelter herself from love, her mind and body not willing to accept the pain it could inherently bring. Love had deceived her, acted as a restrictive chain as it shattered her heart into infinitesimal pieces, never to be repaired, or so she had thought. Those three words Alex had whispered had begun to act as the glue that she felt would slowly begin to assemble her heart back to its original form, repairing it and allowing it to beat freely and without burden for the first time in years. Alex loved Piper and as the days went by, Piper slowly found her own feelings coming into focus.
Piper feels a dip in the mattress beside her, the scent of her girlfriend's freshly bathed body filling her senses, a calm and warmth flooding over her body. Alex drapes her arm lightly across Piper, perching her head in the other hand, as she gazes down at a still dazed looking Piper, rubbing soothing circles across Piper's stomach with her free hand. "You okay?" Alex whispers, her voice thick with love and concern.
Piper can feel her throat begin to tighten as she hears the tenderness in Alex's words, her heart reacting soundly to the love she knew Alex shared for her, Piper wanting so desperately to find the courage to convey that message back to her. Fearing the tears word begin to fall once again, Piper turns her body towards Alex and buries her face in the nape of her neck, taking in the comforting smell which illuminated itself from the skin.
Piper knew she loved Alex, the events of today only further cementing the depth of her feelings for the brunette. In that moment Piper allows herself to smile, knowing Danny would be proud of her. Proud that she had finally found the one person who was willing to love her unconditionally, her flaws and past rejections acting no way as a barrier in the depths of their shared connection. Alex loved Piper and Piper loved Alex. It was simple equation, the complexities of Piper's past not needing to weigh down upon its importance to both girls and effect their future.
Knowing what she now needed to do, Piper pulls her head back, her eyes searching deep into Alex's which shimmer adoringly back. Leaning forward, Piper places a soft, yet passionate, kiss on Alex's lips before pulling back to whisper the reply she had so desperately wanted to express since earlier that day.
"Hey Al," Piper murmurs, her eyes never once leaving her girlfriend's face.
"Mmm?"
"I love you, too."
…
A/N I know I am a sneaky one, I had you all so focused on the Danny story that you wouldn't even think about me dropping the 'I love you' bombshell. I hope we all enjoyed that cute little Vauseman moment, I know I did. As much as I would have loved to say 'I heart you', I felt the chapter really called for the weight of the proper version. I hope we all liked the lightness I brought to what first appeared as a dark chapter.
I hope you all felt I handled the Danny situation okay- I really wanted to focus on the emotions more so than the actual act, as suicide is a very dark and sensitive topic and I didn't want to trigger anything in anyone who had seen suicide touch their lives by writing the specifics. A bit more Piper/Cal to come next chapter as I know a few of you would like to see that.
I worked really hard on this chapter and would really like to hear feedback from it- so please leave a review letting me know what you thought. It would mean so much to me :D
Mrosse38