Back to business. That has been my motto since coming back to work. Things have decidedly fallen apart at home and Sean is pretty much out of the door. I don't blame him, really. Our marriage has been slowly disintegrating for years and has only lasted this long because he is away so long on business. If we had an ordinary marriage it would have ended long ago.
I give Walt his space and concentrate only on business. No small talk. No one side chit or chat since I'm the one that chits or chats while he stoically listens. I know that what I felt when he comforted me in the hospital was real and I know he has feelings for me but I am sure he is just as confused about them as I am. I shouldn't think about him, after all, he is my boss and it's not like I don't have a host of problems without him. I find myself looking at him when there's no reason to and despite how much I try he creeps into my thoughts.
I thrive on our work together and how we are able to play off of each other. His respect for my abilities counts. It counts a lot. I don't have to feel as if I have to prove myself over and over again. I suppose that is why I empathize with the Ferg. I get it. I know what he feels like. As a woman, in this macho profession, I have been relegated to the back burner. It sucks. It isn't fair and while there is a bit of, rites of passage, it also hurts. I hold my head down because I am embarrassed for Ferg. I know what's coming. An explosion of the ultimate proportion. Walt is not emotive. Walt is not going to empathize over seemingly hurt feelings. Walt is a man of action. A throwback. Keep calm and carry on, sort. Ferg feels the brunt of Walt's frustration as Ruby and I exchange helpless glances. I double check my reaction because it turned me on a bit to see his rage. To know that it's there.
Branch's instability doesn't frighten me. I've dealt with crazier fucks than him on the streets of Philadelphia. As Branch lunges at my throat I am startled but not scared. Maybe it is false confidence because I know that Walt is there. I know that he will protect me no matter the circumstance. He has already proven that to be true.
When Walt stops tripping over himself and hands me Sean's divorce papers I am ashamed because I am reading them in front of Walt and because Sean was chicken shit enough to make Walt do it because he is legally obligated to do so. As I look down at the papers I think about Walt's subtle overprotection during the day; fighting with Branch, his promises on the bridge knowing Sean wants to divorce me and I key in on his words, "I want you to stay." I want to stay too Walt and for the life of me I don't know why but I know I don't want to leave here. I don't want to leave you. My brain kicks into overdrive and all I can muster is, "Do you have a pen." I don't need to say more than that. He knows.
I wait at the station, in Walt's office, for him to come back to me. The Ferg promised to keep me updated. I lay on his office couch and as I drift to sleep I feel him in the room; his smell, his touch, his look. I know this is where I belong although I don't understand it. I have never truly followed my heart in all of my life but it's time that I start and I want to start with him.