Supernova
By Willow Athena
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters, but Rien and this story are definitely mine
Author'snote: This chapter is a THANK YOU to all my past reviewers. Forgive me, yet again. Both chapters should be read in one go, because there is no break in time. This chapter is not in Rien's POV. I have agonised over this chapter…I still don't know, but here goes nothing…
CHAPTER 23 – NOTHING Goes Without Saying.
Rien found Renji at the bar the fukutaichou's and taichous liked to visit. Renji was doing a good job of avoiding Byakuya, she could never imagine Byakuya in here – loud, noisy, dimly lit place that it was. Kyoraku taichou was singing loudly in a corner with some members of his squad, and members of the 11th squad. He waved furiously at her and then whistled, which is precisely when she remembered that she should have changed into her training outfit and out of her now damp, short, lilac skirt and black halter top. Byakuya would be mortified if he knew she had ventured out in public while not covered from head to toe. Perhaps it was an intentional defiance, she thought. She eventually found Renji nursing some sake, at a table all by himself, a broad smile on his face, head resting in the palm of his hand, and looking dreamily into space. Rien almost burst out crying when she saw him.
"What happened?" he tentatively asked, envisioning the worst – that it had all gone wrong somehow and he was now in trouble with Byakuya because Rien spilled the beans.
Rien said that she didn't want to discuss it. How could she explain what had just happened? "Don't worry, it's nothing to do with you," she assured Renji. "I just…I hate him! I want to live a life that is my own, not one tethered to his. I want to do something stupid and reckless…" She saw Renji's eyebrows lift in surprise. "I don't want to hurt myself, you idiot. I just want to really kiss somebody and have it returned, is that so much to ask for? To know that I drive someone crazy with lust, with love, with anything but friendship," She flopped her head down onto the table in defeat, flicking her raven hair everywhere.
"Sorry, Renji, I'm being selfish. How did it go? Did you ask her?" Rien pulled herself back up and out of her momentary moan. She had realised what a child she had been. Renji had waited almost a hundred years for Rukia, who was she to bring his obviously cheerful mood down. Her wait was nothing compared to his, but it was hard not to be egocentric when it came to love.
"I know I promised I'd ask her out, and I did, but..." Renji had not been prepared for Rien's determination.
"You agreed," she cut him off, "I ask someone out, and you ask her to the Rukongai blossom festival." Rien was determined, determined to forget Byakuya, determined to make this friendship work and keep her word. She would not pursue him anymore. She would live her own life, a life that had nothing to do with his.
"When I asked her, I wasn't sure if I'd made myself clear. I think it kinda sounded like we would be having dinner, as friends," Renji sheepishly admitted. It had been harder than he expected to ask Rukia, and he had found himself mumbling about how they should have dinner, like the old times, in Rukongai. Why had he ever suggested dinner tomorrow, and in Rukongai of all places? It would be madness, like it always used to be – loads of fun, but madness. Rukia seemed excited by the idea, her eyes had lit up, just as they used to. She had agreed, and Renji could have sworn he saw the beginnings of a blush, which made him start to blush as well, and they both consequently hastily parted ways. Byakuya would be too preoccupied to notice their absence tomorrow, he thankfully thought.
"Maybe I should get to choose who you ask. Somehow this doesn't seem fair," Renji moaned, still beaming from ear to ear due to his triumph.
"Fine, who?" Rien demanded, utterly defeated by the day.
"Byakuya," Renji smirked.
"That would defeat the purpose of this, wouldn't it? How would I move on if I asked the guy I'm actually in love with, out!" Her irritation with Renji was perhaps uncalled for.
"Then Ukitake taichou," he insisted. If he had to do something this uncomfortable, then Rien should share the experience.
"No," she acknowledged her adoption of this familiar tone as something close to Byakuya's dry affectation – causing her hatred for him to flare up again.
"Awe, come on, you can't deny there's something there. I'm sure if you wait a little, Ukitake taichou will probably ask you himself." Their feelings for eachother were evident but tentative. Jyuushiro was too noble to hurt her, and Byakuya was too noble not to hurt her. She really couldn't win.
"We can't allow that to happen. What if I hurt him? I don't think I could handle that." She doubted that Ukitake taichou wanted anything to do with her, but there was an undeniable physical attraction, and he was such an honourable man that he made it difficult for women around him to resist. Whereas Byakuya used his honour as a ward, Ukitake's honour was bait, and made him almost irresistible.
"Whenever people care about eachother, there is always the chance that someone will get hurt. You can't stop going after the things you want just because it may end badly," Renji wisely offered.
"What better advice to follow than your own, Renji," she smiled as they discussed this at their vacant table in the crowded bar. Matsumoto came in with Isane and some of her other friends. Matsumoto was beautiful, and had a very commanding presence, most of which had nothing to do with her large breasts. Rien sighed at her beauty, her height, the fact that she was a fukutaichou, but most of all that Matsumoto could have anyone she chose.
"Abarai, are you in charge of protecting Byakuya's girlfriend again?" she laughed, obviously having started drinking long before she got there. She winked at Rien, not meaning any offence. "Or maybe you've secretly stolen her from under his nose," she snorted, and sat down at the table and the others took her lead. "Can't imagine why any woman would leave him though. Fucking gorgeous! Don't you think so, Rien?" Rien blushed and squirmed in her seat, remembering the sight and feel of him. "Drinks!" Matsumoto bellowed to the waitress.
She caught Rien's hand as she got up to leave, "Don't go, Rien-chan," she pouted. "We never get to see you without one or another taichou around you," she pleaded. Rien silently sat back down, it wasn't like she had some place better to be anyway. "Here, have a drink, tomorrow is a holiday!" Matsumoto insisted. Rien looked to Renji for direction. "Hey, don't look at him. Is he the boss of you?" she challenged. Rien picked up the drink shoved in her direction. She watched Matsumoto knock the drink back in one go and she did the same.
The look on Rien's face must have been comical because everyone at the table burst out laughing. It tasted awful, like liquid fire searing her throat and she felt the need to cough after, but she held it back. After a few more tries, Rien felt she was getting the hang of it.
"Maybe I should take you home. I don't think Byakuya would appreciate me bringing you home plastered," Renji suggested.
"I'm fine!" Rien protested.
"Fine now, but it's gonna catch up to you in a minute," he warned.
"Renji, stop being such a spoilsport. Let the poor girl have one moment of rest without you or someone else nagging at her.'' Matsumoto suggested.
Rien decided that Matsumoto had a point. It was always duty, honour and nobility wherever she went, and she was tired of it! "I'm staying," she declared.
"I still don't have a date to the blossom festival," Rien added, exaggeratedly sighing.
"Me either," Matsumoto sighed. "Taichou said he had better things to do than watch stupid flowers blossom. Everyone is going to Byakuya's party tomorrow night though." She slammed her fist down on the table. "Every taichou and fukutaichou is invited, but my taichou won't take me, and it's too tragic to go alone," she mock-sobbed. "Who are you going with, Rien?" Matsumoto inquired in hope.
"I haven't been invited," was her only answer.
"It probably goes without saying," Matsumoto tried to assure her.
"When it comes to Byakuya, I have learned that 'nothing goes without saying'. If he wanted me to attend I would have received something by now, or been commanded to be there, or however he chose to put it that day." It disheartened Rien that this was what her life was reduced to.
"Well the Seireitei blossom festival is during the day, and everyone is invited," Isane protectively interrupted. She was one of the few people who knew that Rien could withstand torture, and the mere fact that Rien was considering dating someone besides Byakuya, meant that she must have been in prolonged excruciating pain. Her sister, Kiyone, may dislike Rien, but Isane had witnessed Rien's pain and respected her for silently enduring it. "I hope to see you all there. Rien, who are you gonna ask to the blossom festival?" Isane inquired, beaming in her direction. Rien deserved to be happy, Isane thought, one way or another.
Rien looked around the room. It was mostly filled with fukutaichous and some third seats. "How about Ikaku? He seems friendly," Rien suggested.
More like – safe, Renji thought.
"He's already dating someone," Matsumoto informed them.
"Be serious, Rien. At least ask someone you think is attractive,'' Renji commanded, simultaneously insulting his long-time friend, Ikaku.
They heard a loud roar of laughter from behind them as Kira fell off of his chair. Hisagi helped him back up. "Hisagi is cute," she offered.
"Is that a question?" Renji laughed.
"Hisagi then," she decided. "What should I do?" she looked towards Renji.
"Don't look at me, I've never asked a guy out," Renji snorted.
"Somehow, I don't think you're going to have a problem. Your breasts aren't as big as mine, so I suggest you just bat your eyelids at him until he begs you to go with him," Matsumoto slurred. "Go on," Matsumoto pushed her, "it's the perfect time, he's going to the bar. Buy him a drink. If you don't, I will," she teased.
Rien walked slowly over to the bar constantly casting backward glances towards her friends. The bar was very busy, and it seemed like Hisagi was having trouble getting the bartender's attention. Rien stood next to him, and once again glanced behind for direction, but when she saw Matsumoto whistling, Rien promptly faced forward. She lightly coughed into her hand. Hisagi turned to see her standing behind a big brute of a man. He flicked the guy on the shoulder "Let the lady through," he commanded the lower ranking shinigami, who promptly moved aside.
"Thanks," Rien smiled at him. Damn, she thought, forgot to bat my eyelids. "How are you, Hisagi-san?" she attempted. How stupid, she thought. Just kill me now!
He looked a little startled that she was speaking to him. "I'm well, thank you for asking Shihouin Rien-sama. I see you're with Renji and Matsumoto, lively, aren't they," he smiled his infectious smile at her.
"Yes, that's a nice way to put it. And please, call me Rien, just Rien, okay?" she beamed, remembering to bat her eyelids this time. He smiled but looked a little nervous now. Was she doing this wrong? He was exactly the right type of guy to piss the Shihouin family off with – Yoruichi would be proud, but that was not Rien's intention, just a happy coincidence.
"Can I help you?" the bartender asked her.
"Can I get you anything, Hisagi-san?" She was determined to do this!
"Oh, you really don't have to Shi... Rien," he replied while glancing around him. He noticed that almost everyone in the bar was watching them. He wondered if this was a practical joke or some plot to get him into trouble with Kuchiki taichou. But, looking into her eyes, he could tell that she would not do something like that.
"How about I buy you that drink?" he suggested. "Would you like to join Kira and I, though it's mostly gonna be me since Kira is almost unconscious?" he smiled, trying to shield her from everyone's stares. He ordered the drinks and led her over to his secluded table in the corner.
Rien almost silently sipped her drink, wondering how to approach the subject of a date. She wished she could talk to Yoruichi at this very moment. She would know exactly what to say and do, she would never be caught speechless like this. "What are your plans for tomorrow, Hisagi-san?" Rien hopefully sparkled.
"Nothing much, just looking forward to sleeping in for once," he replied, still aware of all the eyes in the bar being on them. He briefly wondered how long it would take before the news reached Byakuya, but that was before she leaned in and ran her fingers through his hair. The vulnerable quality of her electric blue eyes combined with the soft feel of her skin was hypnotic, almost irresistible. Whatever hope he had of denying her was now gone.
"You had a peanut shell in your hair," she explained. The rest of her words were a blur while he savoured the feel of her skin on his.
"Please, call me Shuhei," he dreamily replied to a question she did not ask, and completely missed the question she did ask.
"Okay, so what do you say, Shuhei?" her voice was full of optimism.
"About what?'' he was a little confused, and sure he had missed something.
"Um... the blossom festival tomorrow?" she sounded uncertain again.
"Yes," whatever it was, he was willing.
"Oh... um, that's great, I guess. You can pick me up at noon, if you want." She was more nervous now than ever. She had succeeded, now all she had to worry about was what to do on a date. She got up from her chair, as did Shuhei. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then," she feebly offered, unsure of what else to do, almost wanting to run away. She held her hand out to shake his, but instead, he held it in his and kissed it. He decided that if people were going to talk, they might as well have something good to talk about. She giggled at the gesture, and that alone was worth it.
Hisagi arrived at the Kuchiki manor at 11:55, to Byakuya's surprise. "Was there something you wanted to inform me of, Hisagi?" Byakuya inquired.
"No, Kuchiki taichou. I'm…just here to pick Rien up," Hisagi explained, feeling more than a little uncomfortable under Byakuya's glare.
"What for?" Byakuya pressed, in precise and distinct words, wanting to make sure he was getting this right.
"For our d... date," he gulped, feeling like now was a good time to run. He had never taken the rumours of their relationship seriously before this moment, but looking at Byakuya now, his actions were definitely that of a jealous boyfriend. But he was more dangerous than any mere boyfriend, he was a taichou...he was Kuchiki taichou!
Byakuya had assumed that she would have no date, and would simply attend the blossom festival with him. His sudden irritation at this startling new discovery was almost unbearable. He contemplated sending Hisagi on a mission far, far away, but he resisted the impulse and denied every emotion coursing through his veins. "Be sure to keep her safe, I would hate for our training to be delayed due to an injury," he coolly stated before leaving the room.
Rien emerged a few moments later, ready for her date, and completely unaware of the entire interaction.
Rien's date with Hisagi was filled with an expected amount of nervousness, and he was always a gentleman, but they both struggled to ignite a spark that just wasn't there. Their conversation was commonplace and often revolved around amusing stories of their mutual friends. Rien noticed Hisagi's inclination to talk about Kira, regardless of the topic. She wondered if Hisagi was consciously aware of his feelings for Kira, but maybe it was just strong friendship and she was reading far too much into it, but somehow, she doubted it.
Hisagi returned her home that afternoon. As they stood outside the Kuchiki manor, Rien was a ball of nerves. Matsumoto had suggested that she kiss him, that that is how all real dates ended, and that she would never really know if they were compatible until she kissed him. Secretly, Matsumoto just wanted to know if she would do it, and what it would be like to kiss Hisagi. This was the first formal, 'real' date she had ever gone on, and she found that she didn't really like the procedure.
"Thank you for a wonderful afternoon, and for accompanying me to the blossom festival," she smiled and batted her eyelids at him. Hisagi, having been on numerous dates, was well aware of these subtle hints and knew what was expected of him. He wished Kira was there to advise him at that moment. The date had proceeded as most first dates do, with awkward silences and tentative touches, but he felt her disappointment, like she had been expecting something different, something more - something rarely found on a first date – love. He wanted to kiss her, to drown in the feel of her soft lips as they parted to welcome his.
The sun had just set. It would be perfect, Rien thought, a kiss in the fading light of day. The front of the manor sounded empty; surely it would be ok to kiss him here. She closed the small distance between them. Hisagi was about to lean down and kiss her when a glint of cold steel caught his eye in the distance, in the shadows. His form was unmistakeable and so was the message he would not deliver in person - she was off-limits. She was his, even if she didn't know it.
Hisagi bent down and kissed her cheek, inhaling her lavender scent as he did. "Thank you for the pleasure of your company, and good luck…with everything," he whispered in her ear as he lingeringly hugged her goodbye, a little too greedy to immediately release the luscious strawberry scent of her hair.
Rien felt stupid. She should never have assumed that he liked her enough to kiss her. His feelings for Kira were obvious. But, then again, she knew he had gone out with girls before, perhaps he just did not like her, she knew he found Matsumoto attractive, but then again, who didn't. That was the most plausible reason – she was nothing interesting, and really did not have much to offer anyone. She resigned herself to this explanation, how could she have been so arrogant as to have thought he would kiss her. Almost every man she had ever kissed had only done it to save her or himself, or through lack of choice.
She slowly walked back to her room to nap, thinking morose thoughts all the way there, and ignoring the busy atmosphere of the servants. She was nothing special, she decided. It was nothing to brood over; it was just a fact – a fact which had eluded her notice until this moment. It would be another childish waste of time to feel sorry for herself, at least now she knew – she was unattractive. Everything started to make so much more sense. She wasn't blind; she admitted she was pretty, just not sexy, enticing, appealing or alluring. When someone helps save your life, what else do you feel but gratitude, that's all Jyuushiro felt – gratitude. She could not account for Byakuya's capricious nature, perhaps he just enjoyed torturing her.
Speaking of the devil, there he stood outside her bedroom door, the epitome of perfection. "I was just checking that you were not unwell, after yesterday," he explained. She noticed his hands behind his back, holding a small box.
"I am in the mood to do something extremely reckless, and as such, it's not the best time. Thank you for your concern," she declared as she walked past him and into her bedroom, only to find a trail of sakura petals all the way up to her bed, and then delicately scattered over a large box. She turned to Byakuya, who looked as surprised as she was. Of course, why would he ever bother to get her a gift?
Rien couldn't help but smile, it was the perfect thing to brighten her mood – a present! She bounded up to the bed. As she was about to open the large ribbon tied box, Byakuya stopped her, firmly holding her wrist. "It could be dangerous. It could be a trap," he warned. The Kuchiki manor's defences were impeccable, no one could have gotten in without him knowing it, and they certainly wouldn't go through all the trouble to break in just to leave her a present.
"I'll take my chances," she said as she jerked her wrist away from him, steel entering her voice. She really was in a reckless mood, he thought. She pulled the olive green ribbon of the box and opened it. On top of tissue paper lay a card, which Rien held close to her while opening the tissue paper to reveal an expensive green and white kimono. Rien held the silk up to her face to revel in the luxurious softness. Byakuya studied her, becoming increasingly uncomfortable in anticipation of the possibility of being discovered alone with her in her bedroom. Byakuya watched her read the card, and smile as she finished it. There was a softness about her that was almost irresistible when she was happy. He wished he were the reason for her happiness, but he could not allow himself that luxury when so many people depended on him.
"Do you like it?" Ukitake's deep baritone rang in her bedroom doorway.
"I love it," she replied as she ran up to hug him. "But I cannot accept it," she explained as she squeezed him, then let go.
"Excuse me, I have a number of things to see to before all our guests arrive," Byakuya felt the undercurrent of irritation he had been fighting all day flare up in Ukitake's presence. His every attempt to enjoy his favourite holiday with Rien was thwarted at each turn, first Hisagi, now Ukitake...Byakuya was about to invite her to be his guest tonight at his blossom festival. He did not consider it a date, she lived there, it was only polite to invite her. Now that Ukitake had upstaged him, his inexpensive gift seemed worthless. What would the first blossom of the season be worth...it seemed a silly thought now.
"Sorry, Byakuya, I thought I'd come early and ask Rien to be my guest. I hope I am not intruding?" Ukitake warmly smiled.
So, Ukitake was actually going to go for it, he was going to fight for her, Byakuya could see the determination in his eyes. This was a sign of war, Byakuya decided. Uncertainty was not a good position in war, if you didn't know where you stood, someone else would decide for you, they would defeat you with determination.
Byakuya had never truly been defeated, but he was unsure if he even wanted to enter this battle. He could no longer deny his feelings for her, not after today, there was something strong there, a feeling he couldn't shake when he was with her. His most pressing problem was that he always wanted to be with her – always! He also didn't want anyone else to be with her, it had tortured him to see her with Hisagi that afternoon. It would kill him to have her love someone else.
"You are a welcome guest Ukitake Taichou," Byakuya replied with a hard set to his serene features. Ukitake read the resolve underlying Byakuya's tone, and he was almost glad to have an opponent.
Byakuya was about to leave when Rien put her hand out to stop him, she turned over her shoulder and shyly smiled at him. "Could I please have a moment of your time, if it's not too much to ask, Byakuya?" she shyly inquired. "I just need one minute with Ukitake Taichou, and then I will be back. I promise not to take up too much of your time," she implored.
"As you wish," he answered in a cold and distant tone, almost accusing her of making him feel this way, for making him feel at all.
Rien walked Ukitake to under the sakura tree outside of her room, Byakuya feigned indifference from inside her room – considering just leaving, but he had given his word that he would wait.
"I can't accept the gift, it's too beautiful," Rien began.
"You must, and it's not nearly as beautiful as its recipient," Jyuushiro flirted as he caressed her cheek. Byakuya wanted to beat him into the ground for touching her. He paced further into the room, where they would not be able to see his irritation, and where he would not see and do something he would regret. He kicked a book lying on the floor – she wasn't the neatest of people, embracing chaos rather than order – it was the book he had seen her sometimes write in, lying open on the ground. The reiatsu supressing collar had almost flown out of it. He picked the book and the collar up, to put them away of course, well at least in the pile they had previously been on. He saw too much before he closed it and placed it on top of the pile of books. He would never intentionally read it, he had had many opportunities before this to do so, but he could not get the repeated phrase out of his mind now that he had seen it – both pages just had the same few words repeated on every line.
'He doesn't love you'
Byakuya's heart ached. He was unsure about his feelings for her, but he did not wish her this much pain. He closed his eyes to push the thought away, only to have Senbonzakura whisper in his ears, 'You love her'. His zanpakuto was becoming far too bold recently.
"No, I will not!" was Byakuya's only response.
'You already do,' came the insistent reply.
Byakuya saw them still talking, and was about to leave, but his honour kept him in place – he had promised her he would not leave.
"Jyuu, don't do this. It is against your better judgement. Don't let my impulsivity sway you," his sudden change of heart made her almost regret the chaste kiss she had given him yesterday. She had been too caught up in the moment, and she had let her heart run ahead of her head. "You are right to guard your heart from me. How are we to judge if what we feel is real when my Ki courses through your veins. How could we not care about eachother?"
"That's what I also thought at first. That's why I distanced myself from you, but yesterday…it's more than that. I do care about you. I want to give our feelings a chance to grow into something more – I won't be held back by fear anymore." Rien could see his determination, and he certainly had a point. Did they not both deserve to be happy? Jyuushiro knew he would be better for her than Byakuya, he would never intentionally hurt her like she was hurting now.
"I have lived a life of privilege that I have not earned. But I have vowed to earn it from this day. You must give me time to earn the right to your affections. If our feelings are real, they will stand the test of time. I will not hurt you. I am working on it, but I must first be rid of my feelings for him. I will live a life that has nothing to do with him. I must!" she declared as she turned away from him. "I will not be going to the Blossom Festival tonight, with anyone, but I appreciate the invitation. See you tomorrow for training," she decided. If she killed that part of her soul that loved Byakuya, then maybe she would have a chance to be worthy of loving Jyuushiro.
She was surprised to find Byakuya waiting, he hated waiting. She noticed he looked preoccupied, and slightly uneasy, like he was about to bolt at any second. "I really just wanted to apologise for yesterday. I did not mean to intrude, and I certainly didn't mean to knock you down. I'm also sorry about running away without saying this to you yesterday, and subsequently avoiding you," she admitted. He looked like he didn't care, his expression flat and unreadable, like he hadn't really noticed or been affected by her avoidance. She did not let his lack of concern deter her.
"I just wanted to clear up one thing with you." An uneasy nauseas feeling crept up in the pit of her stomach, an appropriate precursor to what she was about to reveal. "I devote all my waking hours to not loving you; every day that I am alive is a struggle not to be with you. I have resigned myself to this," she paused, the need to runaway almost too strong to resist. "This is a pointless thing to do, and I know you don't want to hear it, and you will never have to again…," she bravely walked closer to him and stood beneath his downcast gaze so he would have no choice but to look at her, "I love you," she whispered the forbidden words, her breath ghosting over his skin, not daring to even touch him. The quicksilver of his eyes melted in response, a soundless affirmation that she had to turn away from and ignore. She promptly turned around and took her boots off and left them at the door, removing her red coat in the process and hanging it up. "I just thought it shouldn't go without saying anymore," she continued in a matter-of-fact tone. "Your feelings are well known to me, and I have no illusions of affection. I admit that I have in the past interpreted things to suit my imagination, I know now that what I see in your eyes is just a reflection of my own desire, and not a projection of your love," it hurt her to say this, and she barely believed it. "My greatest wish is your happiness, and if I could give Hisana back to you and Rukia, I would. I will grant you the only thing you have ever asked of me, for me to live a life that has nothing to do with you." It was an empty, suffocating pain that stole away her voice, as she fought against her quivering resolve.
There was just empty silence which followed her words. He looked angry – was he angry that she had dared to speak Hisana's name? This would have been Rien's interpretation of the situation, but she would have missed the mark completely. He had never hurt someone so deeply. No one had ever willingly given him this much power over them, and he was enraged that he had abused her trust so devastatingly. He watched her, almost absently taking note of her pulling off her gloves and avoiding his gaze. Her downcast gaze noticed his fisted hands at his sides – she would have given anything for the courage to unravel them and kiss his palms. She avoided ever touching him these days, his mere presence was torture, his touch would have been the final blow. She watched him remain frozen at the foot of her bed, the both of them trapped in this moment.
The turmoil in his heart raged on. Was it fair to expect her to love him for eternity with no reward, no return of her affections? He could not be cruel to her any longer, but choosing to love her would have chaos reign down on the Kuchiki Clan. He had given his word to not let his family down again, never again to go against their wishes. The Shihouin Clan would never allow it either, relations with them were already strained due to Rien not being able to call her zanpakuto out. The two clans were barely on speaking terms, only Rien's presence and loyalty to him kept the Shihouin clan from declaring war. They would never stand for him taking her away from them and making her apart of his family. It would never work, he knew this, but he also knew that if he ever gave her any indication that he may feel the same about her, she would never let him go – it was comforting to know someone loved him so much, but his comfort was her torture. He had to let her go!
Her heart was dying a silent death, and becoming reckless in the process, too truthful. "You will probably strike me down for saying this, and perhaps I'm the only one that thinks this, but…she should have loved you more – you deserved better, even Rukia loves you more. But I know you loved her, and for your sake I wish she had given more of herself to you. If Hisana is your only true love, then she has ruined you like you have ruined me. I now understand it. I will never love again – maybe I'll be in relationships, but it will never come close to this. It's nice that you still love her so much," Rien tentatively spoke from the doorway, fearing and hoping that he would leave, so she would stop pouring out her soul to him. Maybe she just wanted him to strike out and kill her, so she could finally be at peace.
"The guests have started arriving. I must attend to them. We will speak later," he dispassionately commanded as he exited her bedroom, finally unfrozen from his reverie.
"Tomorrow perhaps," she countered, "I will not be attending your blossom festival," she added with a sigh. It almost made him smile to know she had turned down Ukitake's invitation, but his smile was leeched away before it was even formed. Was it fair to condemn her to isolation when his affection was so near? Was the cost of one kiss from her worth the price? There was the possibility civil war, lives would be lost, he would be accused of seducing her. Both their families would lose so much, was she willing to pay that price? Honour and nobility did not come cheap, it came at the cost of love. They would come to resent eachother in time, if their love had come at the cost of others.
"I will meet you here after the festival," he decided. He owed her something akin to an explanation for all the pain he had caused her. They could never be together and she deserved to know why. Perhaps this knowledge would ease her pain.
Byakuya's blossom festival was a many splendored wonder, where every guest felt at ease and special, so unlike Byakuya's usually frigid welcome, like you were putting him out by just being there. Wine and sake flowed like a river between conversations, lubricating the social interactions, making everyone forget Aizen's plot to throw them all into hell once he became Soul King.
Byakuya enjoyed seeing all the taichous around him enjoying themselves for once, he knew it would not last long, considering the numerous battles they had ahead of them. His joy was incomplete because she was not there to share it with him, every time someone walked into the garden area, he anticipated her presence. She really was ruining this entire day for him. He contemplated what he would say to her later, how he would firmly and decisively let her down without being harsher than he needed to.
He saw her saunter in at that very moment, on Soi Fon's arm, the both of them whispering to eachother. In that moment his heart leapt out to touch hers and he felt his resolve crack. It's impossible, he reminded himself. Rien avoided his gaze as Soi Fon greeted him, merely bowing herself. He watched them make their rounds, only to find a seat next to Ukitake taichou. His jealousy flared up again when Ukitake held her hand up to his lips and kissed it, lingering far too long.
As Soi Fon was dragged off by Nanao, who wanted to discuss the Shinigami Woman's Association's next calendar, Rien was left alone on the bench with Ukitake Taichou. He smiled at her and knowingly arched his eyebrow.
"She is my family, I could not refuse her invitation," Rien defended.
"I didn't say anything," he smirked as he slid his arm around her shoulder, and tentatively played with her hair to gauge her reaction. She didn't recoil, it looked like she barely noticed, and he was unsure if this was a good thing. Her eyes were looking everywhere but in Byakuya's direction, and Jyuushiro wondered what had transpired after he left. They silently sat on the bench under the sakura tree, enjoying the beautiful night, and the comical sight of some of the taichous and fukutaichou's singing karaoke and others dancing to it.
Soi Fon came back with Rien's wine and Jyuushiro excused himself to give them time alone. He didn't want to be too obvious about his affection for Rien until his prize was secured. He was determined to give her time to come to the obvious conclusion that he was the better man for her. He would never hurt her, she was something far too precious to him. He had been thinking about really kissing her all day, just to remind her of the feeling he had tried to banish from his heart when she had awoken. But she wanted time, and he was too much of a gentleman not to give it to her. At times he wished he could be impulsive, and just take what he wanted, but he would much rather that she gave herself willingly to him, and he would do the same. He would never hold back, once he was in, he was in all the way. She was right though, she first had to be rid of her feelings for Byakuya.
"What was that about?" Soi Fon inquired once Ukitake Taichou had left.
"Nothing really, I'm just confusing everyone around me. I wish I could go home to Yoruichi. She just has this way of making everything seem simple, even if it's not," Rien sighed, and lay her head on Soi Fon's shoulder.
"I know what you mean," Soi Fon agreed. "I have often wished Yoruichi would return to Seireitei, so things could return to normal. She is the head of the family, and should be here, leading us in the right direction," she dreamily looked out into the distance. "She would be a far better teacher of shunko than I. You have come far, but she would have been able to call out your zanpakuto by now. Kuchiki Taichou is too lenient on you, and the elders do not appreciate his laxness," Soi Fon revealed.
"You are a good teacher, but you're right, Byakuya does not push me hard enough, I can endure far more, but he is afraid to hurt me." Rein reflexively glanced up to see Byakuya begin playing his violin for the Captain Comander, Koyraku Taichou and some of the fukutaichous. The sound was haunting as he played it with his eyes closed, demonstrating his proficiency with the instrument. She had heard him play this song before, she had not known it was him at the time. She would often be woken sometime after midnight to the whisper of this melody on the wind. She looked around, made sure no one else was near, most people having congregated around Byakuya, she lay her head down on Soi Fon's lap, looked up at the stars, and began to softly sing so only Soi Fon would hear.
Kiss The Rain – by Yiruma
(Verse1)
Each time I close my eyes
I can see you smile
You reach out for my hand
And I'm woken from my dream
Although my heart is yours
It's hollow inside
I never had your love
And never will
CHORUS:
And every night
I lie awake
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you
But how can you
love me like I love you
When you can't
even look me straight
in my eyes
(Verse 2)
I've never felt this way
My heart is so in love
To have someone there
Yet feel so alone inside
Aren't you supposed to be
The one to wipe my tears
The one that holds me close,
And never leaves
(Verse 3)
Your eyes like water, still
My reflection's there
I see you holding me
But then you disappear
All that is left of you
Is my broken heart
An empty melody, just for you
CHORUS:
And every night
I lie awake
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you
But how can you
love me like I love you
When you can't
even look me straight
in my eyes
(Verse 4)
I don't know what hurts you
But I can feel it too
And it just hurts so much
To know I can't do a thing
And deep down in my heart
It's so clear to me
That no matter what
I love you
(Verse 5)
I often close my eyes
And I can see you smile
You reach out for my hand
And I'm woken from my dream
Although your heart is mine
It's hollow inside
I never had your love
And never will
...
So why do I still chase the rain?
Soi Fon started to silently cry, but Rien did not allow herself to shed the tears welling up in her eyes. "You…love him?" Soi Fon inquired as Rien sat up. Until this moment, Soi Fon had not believed the rumours – it was unthinkable, Rien would never be allowed to be with him!
"I do," Rien finally admitted as she finished her fifth glass of wine and then promptly downed Soi Fon's glass as well. "But it must end," she sighed as she picked up another glass of red wine from a passing servant. Soi Fon was thankful that Rien understood the impossibility of the relationship, and that she herself did not have to break the news to her.
"Should you really have another glass?" Soi Fon found it difficult to conceal her concern, anticipating one of Yoruichi's drunken stupors.
"It has little effect on me. It kind of tastes like juice – gummiberry juice, if I could hazard a guess at what gummieberries taste like," Rien explained.
This made no sense to Soi Fon, who was even more worried now that Rien had started to speak nonsense. Soi Fon protectively hovered but did not know how to intercede when Koyraku Taichou convinced Rien to do shots with him and Ukitake Taichou. "Don't worry so much Soi Fon, I made a pact to be reckless today, and until now, I was failing. I just want to keep my promise to him," Rien smiled. "I've been thinking…" words that often preceded trouble, "that maybe I should enter the Shinigami Academy, what do you think?"
"I think it's a good idea. You would do well to have teachers other than Kuchiki taichou, and I know the Shihouin Clan agrees," Soi Fon revealed.
"I know the Shihouin elders and Kuchiki elders often quarrel, and I don't want to give them any extra ammunition. Promise not to tell anyone...," she paused. "I feel like I'm getting nowhere in zanpakuto training, and I know why, I just don't know how to bring it up with him," she hiccupped the last few words, and Soi Fon rubbed her back.
"Maybe you should stop," Soi Fon suggested.
"Maybe you're right, I am kinda tipsy – finally!" she exhaled. Most of the guests had departed, since it was nearing 1 in the morning. Soi Fon offered to walk her to her bedroom, but Rien said that Byakuya would walk her, like he did every night.
Byakuya had noticed Soi Fon leave, immediately moving to Rien's side. "Do you wish to retire?" his voice sounded hollow and uncertain, not like his usual self-assured tone. The discussion they were about to have had plagued him all night, leeching away most of his enjoyment of the evening. He never indulged requests, except from the Captain Commander, and tonight had been his annual ordered performance. But this performance had felt like no other, he could have sworn he heard her voice in every note, he had closed his eyes and strained to hear the sound just beyond his perception, inadvertently forgetting everyone around him during his performance, until their applause set him free.
They silently walked besides eachother until they reached her bedroom. She quickly opened the door and pulled out the katana from just inside the door. "I have made a decision," she declared. Today had been a day of many decisions – if either of them had known what a trying day today would turn out to be, neither would have gotten out of bed. "I want to enter the Shinigami Academy. So, you see my predicament – I will not be allowed to enter until I have called out my zanpakuto. I want you to begin really training me, it is the only way," she pleaded, unsheathing the katana. If she abruptly left his training, it would result in civil unrest, and he would be accused of incompetence, so she needed to at least call out her zanpakuto so she could leave and be free to join the academy. Away from him.
"This is not what we are meant to be discussing," Byakuya corrected.
"What should we discuss? That you don't give a fuck about me, and that it's impossible for us to ever be together – I accept it," the moment the words escaped her lips, she had known they were a lie – she still hoped for his love in the silences of her heart.
"You know I regenerate quickly. Attack me now, one real attack," she begged as she ran under the sakura tree outside her bedroom and assumed the defensive stance he had taught her.
"You will not be able to withstand the attack," he tried to reason with her, she now seemed tipsy, irrational, and in no condition to train.
"I'll make you a deal, if I can't withstand one attack, then you will never have to hear about this again, but if I can stand up to one of your attacks, then we begin real training tomorrow. Come on, you have the upper hand, you could silence me on this issue," she baited him, deftly waving her katana around.
He considered it. He didn't need the upper hand, but she was right, one real attack would silence her on the subject – one way or another. He stepped off the porch and unsheathed his zanpakuto. "Chire, Senbonzakura," cold crept into every syllable as he held the blade in front of his immaculate face and released his shikai. The blade dispersed into its shower of petals and raced towards her. He saw her turn her back to the attack, perhaps he had misjudged the quickness of her shunpo, she was probably too slow to defend against his attack.
Byakuya's senbon blades twirled harmlessly around her as she turned to face him. Shock and betrayal saturated his expression. He could not fathom why the blades did not harm her, did not slice her to shreds. Was she hiding an ability he had not discerned, some sort of shield perhaps?
"This has nothing to do with me." She read his expression like the pages of her favourite novel, the warm familiarity of his micro-movements, like brail to her eyes. "It's you," an obvious remark, she thought, but he still looked perplexed.
"Although, you probably hadn't realised it until now, since that night when you pierced my heart, you would not have been able to hurt me again. Not a second blow," she hiccupped. "Like I said, it's not me, it's you," she giggled. "You regretted it," she paused. "You did not intend to hurt me, and…you did not want to injure me. Senbonzakura had never before sliced a target you had not intended to hurt. He became confused afterwards – he had never felt regret before." She paused to gauge his reaction, sampling his current mood, checking that he had caught on to what she was saying – but she was too tipsy to tip toe around the matter any longer.
"From now on, I would appreciate it if you would keep Senbonzakura with you at all times." Tears began streaming down her cheeks. "I hate him!" her fists pounded at her sides. "I hate you!" more tears escaped. "I hate that he is your reflection beneath that mask, that he says the things I wish you would say, that I sometimes forget that he is not you when he looks at me, that the only difference between you is your voice. I just HATE it!" she grabbed some of the senbon blades and threw them in his direction, the sudden rain hiding her new tears.
He allowed them to solidify into a blade once more, vowing to enter his inner world later and kill his traitorous zanpakuto. She shunpo'ed to him. "Hurt me," she pleaded, pulling at the folds of his wet clothes. She held onto the blade of his zanpakuto. "Kill me," she commanded, the blade not even bruising her skin as she pulled her hand over it. "You need more resolve than that to cut me. Stop regretting it. It was the right thing to do,' she cried, burying her head in his chest, the wet tendrils of her hair clinging to him as she had wanted to so many times.
"Do it! It's like when you lost to Ichigo, you didn't really lose, you never really wanted to hurt him in the first place – you wanted him to save Rukia, to do the thing you would not allow yourself to do." She felt him shake with anger. Good, she thought. She put her arms around him, hoping his resolve would strengthen, that he would lash out at her and end the eternal turmoil she was in.
"Chire, Senbonzakura," the whisper escaped through clenched teeth. He was losing control of his rising anger; Senbonzakura's protest rang in his ears as he imposed his immense will over his zanpakuto. That part of his soul rebelled, trying to tear itself away from him and reaching towards her. The blade turned into its shikai, the petals harmlessly flowing through her fingers. She released her hold on Byakuya, turning around, she sheathed the katana in one fluid motion.
"I'm done with this," she said, throwing the katanna near his feet, the rain mixing with the tears flowing freely from her eyes. She began to walk towards her bedroom, exhausted by the constant emotional turmoil.
"Chire," he commanded, robbing his zanpakuto of any remaining free will and binding its ability to materialise without his consent. The petals formed a wall in front of her halting her retreat. "We're not done training," he threatened with expressionless malice.
"I will not play your games any longer." Her determination was evident as she walked through the wall of petals. She was surprised by the superficial cuts the blades made on the palms of her hands as she brushed them aside. He was regaining control of his zanpakuto, she idly thought.
She ignored the katana thrown at her feet as she turned. "Very well, we will begin training tomorrow then," she agreed, flicking the katana up into the air with her boot, and deftly catching it. "I'm sorry to have kept it from you for so long, but how do you tell someone that a part of their soul loves you when the rest of their soul actively hates you? It is not an easy subject to approach. We will be completely honest from tomorrow, agreed?" She did not wait for an answer, she simply turned and entered her bedroom, and began removing her wet training outfit.
Author's note
Thanks for reading and for waiting so long for an up update. These chapters are so late, I can't even ask for reviews. This chapter was so depressing to write. Song: Kiss the Rain, by Yiruma (pianist), Lyrics mainly by Heine, with a few necessary tweaks by me – I think it sounds better this way, but that's just my opinion. Yiruma is FANTASTIC, check him out – I wish I had his talent. Forgive the formatting on the song, I tried to fix it, but it wouldn't correct itself. The next chapter was written over a year ago, so I will agonise over it until it does the story justice. I hope you enjoyed this instalment.
~ Willow~