A/N: Whoa its been awhile. Luckily my primary fic is finishing up so I can work at this one a bit more diligently. So hopefully it won't be another month of inactivity. Sorry about that.
Chapter 9
Gaara's Point of View:
The night air was cool and quiet with the soft hum of the machine Harper called a 'computer' being the only sound other than the faint breath slowly expelling from her lips like clockwork. I knew it would have been wiser to use such silence to get some rest but instead I found myself dwelling on the conversation between myself and my siblings. I didn't tell them everything. I told them about Shukaku's new rule and about the slight possibility of a match for the Twin Mind Jutsu but there was a strong sense of guilt preventing me from explaining further.
As it was, several things boiled down to duty. Duty to my new friend or duty to my village as their Kazekage; these were the ideals I had to choose between. If I could just think of a way to solve the problem without jeopardizing either then I wouldn't have to suffer so much from the thought of how much I would be betraying on or the other.
I could try to find a way for Harper to receive the jutsu she needed but I would be failing Suna by doing so. I could do what was right as a Kage but Harper would die. I would have spent more time than was wise considering that; perhaps all night, but in a split second of understanding I realized that the only sound I could hear was Harper's Computer. She was no longer breathing.
When I looked over, Harper's eyes were wide with shock and pain; her fingers were hooked into claws and her mouth was open in a silent scream. Panicked I reached hesitant fingers to stabilize her chakra flow but sand bloomed before they could reach the skin of her temples.
"Harper wake up! Harper!" No matter how many times I said her name, commanded her to wake or screamed at her she would not respond and instead small trickles of blood began to flow from her eyes, ears and nose. I was so focused on Harper that I didn't even realize when Temari came barreling into the room with a seal ready in her hand. She pushed me aside; going so far as to use a blast of wind chakra to push me clear off the bed.
"Kon!" She sounded frantic as she rooted the seal but my older sister's face relaxed as Harper began to breathe again.
"Sorry Temari," the woman was apologizing for a severe reaction that she couldn't control. She looked like she was straining to move when Temari pressed a gentle hand to her arm.
"You know it will be a while before you can move." The spikey twit said it like this was a common occurrence. "I'll go get you some juice, the sugar has helped before. Gaara, if you don't mind joining me?"
Harper's eyes widened in shock and she almost looked frightened; it made me feel nauseous. I couldn't bring myself to respond to that once common wide eyed expression and instead walked around her bed towards the door while mustering the darkest glare I could for my darling sister. As soon as we entered the kitchen I felt the small vein of emotion that I rarely tapped explode with anger.
"How long?" The less words I used the longer I would have energy to communicate civilly with.
"She has been getting worse from the start," Temari said with a shrug. A casual shrug that made everything seem so unimportant. "It's been progressing pretty far for the past month or so though. I would say if she doesn't go home or get linked to someone she won't survive the next dream."
"You didn't say anything." The question 'why' should be blazingly obvious at this point.
"She didn't want you or Kankuro to worry. Kankuro has been blaming himself for all this after all and you have more important things to worry about as the Kazekage…or at least that's what she said. So, this hidden ace up your sleeve, I think it's time you used it because whatever person you know of that she can link to is her last shot."
Her words floored me. All the rage building up completely deflated. It wasn't that Temari was being cold because she didn't care. Compartmentalizing was the way of the ninja after all. It was ok to care about something, to love someone, but when that person became baggage you had to be able to toss them off your back. Ninja are people who can make a weapon out of anything, after all.
"That's impossible." The words flinched from my throat as Kankuro walked in, drawn by the yelling. "It's just not possible."
"Well, why not? You can order anyone to do anything, even this if you have to. What? Does the guy have a wife or girlfriend? Is that going to stop you from saving her?" Temari spoke with incredulity, scoffing at the moral value of such restraint. But that wasn't it.
Almost without conscious thought I sent sand along the walls of the kitchen, sound proofing it easily. Once we were within our little private bubble I let down the wall I held within my heart. Such confessions as these could not be made without emotion.
"It's not possible! There is no girlfriend or wife. There is no moral problem at all. The Twin Mind Jutsu requires physical contact to anchor the technique. It requires an exchange. The only person who meets the requirements with her in all of Suna…the only person who feels the same thing for her that she feels for him cannot complete that requirement." Their shocked faces might have cause internal amusement in any other situation but right now that was the farthest thing from my mind. "That's because the will of my mother guides the sand and causes it to protect me from harm. It protects me from her. I cannot save her life if I cannot touch her but I do not know the reason behind my sand's will. No matter how I look at it though, it's only me. No matter how much I want her to live."
I turned away from them to hide the tears that were falling shamefully down my face and leaving damp tracks down the sand armor covering it but I knew they knew enough from those words. They would realize that slowly a soft love filled with admiration, awe and delight grew from the late night conversations and fun filled dinners. It was innocent and gentle and pure and it was about to be destroyed by the very thing that brought her here.
It would never be allowed to flourish and become the overwhelming love it could be. It would disappear before it began. And I was to blame.
I wasn't anticipating the reactions of my siblings. Kankuro began to pace, his chin held firmly by a firm thumb and forefinger as if he could figure it all out just like that. His face was screwed in an almost comical mask of concentration as I peeked over my shoulder at the sound of his heavier than usual footfalls. When I turned, Temari pounced at me and held me in a tight, vice like grip. My unfounded thoughts that she was attacking me proved fruitless with my sand remaining calm and still and I realized that she was hugging me which, while not unheard of, was exceedingly rare.
"We will figure this out, Otouto. No matter what we will figure it out." Temari usually didn't make empty promises to make people feel better about hopeless odds and in the face of those words I allowed a bit of hope to seep into my beleaguered heart. "For now bring some mango juice up for her and try not to lose your shit about how she was keeping her deteriorating health from you like a good boy. There will be plenty of time in the morning so let her sleep. She doesn't have two episodes in a single night so it should be fine now."
I couldn't think of anything to say and I don't think I would have spoken if I had an idea. I was slowly building that wall up around my heart to avoid the raw feelings welling out of me. Even after all the years I had under my brim as Kazekage I still wasn't familiar or comfortable with emotions. It might be disgusting to me but I could often understand the small, unheeded yearning to go back to a life of proving my existence through cold blood and harboring nothing but anger to other. Loving myself only and fighting only for myself was simpler though it was not anywhere near as enjoyable as my current life was.
So I built a wall. It wasn't something I normally did but now I was left with little option. With that wall in place I brought a glass of mango juice to the woman who would no doubt be the end of me, finding her sitting up and looking anxious.
We sat in silence as she slowly sipped the juice. That silence continued as she placed the now empty cup on a nearby surface. It stretched on and on until she spoke without prompting, not that I would know what to say in any case.
"Is there any way for me to reach genin before the next time?" It didn't take an idiot to figure out what 'next time' she spoke of and I felt my heart twitch behind that dense wall hiding it. It wasn't something I could hand to her out of pity. It was something she had to earn. I knew that she understood that. If she made genin her name would be registered as an active shinobi of Suna. That would never go away. When she died her name would be transfer to the casualty list but it would still be there. A solid, tangible reminder that she existed. She was real and here.
I don't think she knew that. To her it probably meant closing a circle, becoming something that mattered to her. No matter the reason my answer could not be continued silence.
"I believe you have enough knowledge and skill to take a graduation exam. Whether you pass or not is up to you. I'll see to its arrangement sometime this week." I was trying to sound official to stop myself from experiencing more of that gut wrenching pain my emotions brought upon me but it seemed to upset her.
A moment passed and she spoke again with a quiver in her voice and eyes that wouldn't look at me. "I know it's rude to ask and I am not even sure you consider me a friend rather than an associate or someone you work with but, if it's all the same to you…could you spend your nights here until the end? I don't want to be alone. I know it probably seems weird to ask, and I don't want to cause you inconvenience but…"
It took little effort to form a hand out of sand to lift the finger to her lips that I could not. There was no thought in forming and arm and body, a head and legs to go with that hand. The sand formed a me that could hug her and gently stroke that wild hair that I couldn't understand and I let her cry all the tears she had been holding so carefully onto that clone's shoulder because she could not be near mine.
"I'll stay," I promised. "I understand." And I really did. Death was scary and it was lonely. If my presence eased that I would do any and everything I could to linger as long as she needed. It might be a form of masochism to stay beside her knowing that it would bring out the worst in me but somehow I wanted that pain. She stayed because she believed things would be alright. She believed that because she dreamed of me, I was the reason she stayed regardless of the things she felt for me, though that probably meant something to her too.
It hit me a month after she arrived. I know she knew many things about me but it didn't hinder the way her eyes lit up when she saw me or the small smile she couldn't discard when we spoke. The first time I sought her out I could feel her chakra light up like fireworks. Nervousness, happiness, confusion, excitement; it pulsed with these and so many more. Sometimes I would just stand behind that door and feel her chakra bounce around.
And the way she saw the world, the things she said, the way she laughed awkwardly when she made a reference to something from her home. Everything about the time I spent with her was precious.
I knew how she felt even though she tried desperately to hide it. It was child's play figuring it out when she didn't have the training or experience to outwit or fool a ninja, let alone a Kage. What she felt was so much different than Matsuri and her horde who clamored on about attributes that I didn't fully possess without recognizing any of my faults or sins. They looked at me and felt love for an icon they didn't understand. Harper didn't pretend to understand me but she knew me to be human. She knew flaws I had and sins I committed but still cared for me.
Glancing up from my own hands where they lay in my lap I saw that Harper managed to exhaust herself with her tears and was sleeping soundly in the lap of my clone. I never knew it was possible to feel jealous of something I created.
Slowly I guided the clone to lay her down in a more comfortable position before dissolving and seeping back to the gourd placed beside her bed. Tomorrow I would look into doing an exam with the required officials and procedures as soon as possible and maybe Kankuro and Temari would have some ideas to save Harper from the imminent death she faced.
For tonight I would drink the sight of her like she was a dying desert wanderer's first chance at water. That would have to be enough.