Chapter 4
- Elena -
You never forget your first love.
Present Day
After I dropped my kids at school I quickly made my way back home. I sat down at my desk and commenced to stare at the laptop. My boss – Jo Laughlin – had been more than understanding throughout the past months. She, more than anyone, noticed that my posts had become progressively depressing, even more so after Stefan stopped trying to move back into the house. The irony was that I wasn't even sure there was anything we could do for our marriage anymore. Yet in a strange way I didn't want him to stop trying to convince me; deep inside I knew that if he persisted one day he would make me change my mind.
My behaviour and reasoning? Sad verging on the pathetic, I realized that.
Yet I woke up this morning with a resolution – whatever happened with me and him, I couldn't let it affect my life anymore. At least not take over it completely. The beauty of hitting rock bottom is that you know it can't get any lower than that. In a way it is a strangely cathartic feeling once you realize there is no way to go but up.
At the end of the day I have my two beautiful children, my crazy friends, my darling brother and my career as a column writer. 'Confessions about Love' was my quarter-of-a-page weekly column in Atlanta magazine. Four years ago Jo had initially labelled it as a 'trail run' but after a couple of months reviews from the female readers were so positive that the editor decided it would stick. Now it was the second most popular page under the 'Life and Style' section.
Lately the column had run a bit dry, focusing on divorce, cheating and heartbreak, while my articles had sad titles such as 'Should you forgive him?', 'Life after love' and so on. But I planned on changing that altogether. Jo had told me to delve deep into my soul and go back to a time in my life when I had been happy. Although the columns had always reflected my current life, I knew the temporary side of things was still too painful to channel something positive into my articles. And my entire career depended on me turning the table on this bad situation.
As I opened my desk drawer I felt a strong sense of guilt. What was I doing? I took the photo album out and turned to the first page – to our first photo together. I was wearing a purple 70s dress with my hair tied back, and he was wearing a dark shirt looking more handsome than ever. He had his hand around my shoulders, holding me close to him even though we had just met. The beauty of the night we met came back to me so quickly that I couldn't help but relive it again.
September 1999
'Guys, we are going to be late!' I anxiously said staring at the clock.
My two best friends Bonnie and Caroline were doing each other's hair and make-up and being massively late. I had gotten ready an hour earlier and since then had waited around for them to choose their outfits, make-up and hairdos. Our dorm had become a carefully orchestrated mess.
'Relax, we're already late.' Bonnie said using the curling iron to curl her lashes.
'It's out first college party...' I said in a huff trying not to annoy them. I had always been a time-keeping freak – that was one of the things my father had instilled in me.
'We're supposed to be late. It's a rule – hot girls are always late, because they are worth waiting around for! All the hot guys know that.' Caroline said mischeviously.
'I sometimes wonder how you and me are friends.' I said jokingly.
'You're too innocent for your own good Elena.' I rolled my eyes hearing her response.
'Leave her alone Care', better to be an angel like her than slutty like you.' Caroline's mouth dropped wide open and Bonnie and I hysterically laughed, given that Caroline did like to date around quite a bit.
'Oooh, she's annoyed now.' Bonnie replied eyeing me cautiously.
'I'm not annoyed – I'm just thinking how you two saints will react when I get a hot guy tonight.' There it was - that confidence we all loved to see in Caroline.
'Think you're gonna find Mr. Right tonight, do you?' I asked jokingly.
'Nope – because Mr Right doesn't exist.' She said as she applied the last stroke of mascara.
I couldn't help but feel sorry for Caroline. Her parents had gotten a divorce years ago after a long nasty period of fighting. Even though she would never admit it, it had left a lot of scars. She refused to believe in soulmates; she refused to believe in love – sex was apparently the best deal any girl could get out of a guy. Which she was planning on getting a lot of tonight by the looks of it.
'That's it – I'm done!' She announced triumphantly.
'Me too.' Added Bonnie and we were officially ready to go – finally!
The party, a 70s themed bash, was a total bust. The music was so loud we couldn't even hear each other talk. By the time we got there we were two hours late (of course!) and half the people were already drunk. Bonnie and I didn't particularly find it appealing but we stayed for Caroline's sake – who surprisingly found the first hot guy ten minutes after we arrived and spent the rest of the night with him (and the morning after though she claims otherwise).
But sometime before Caroline left off with the guy (I believe Jesse was his name) something extraordinary happened.
We were standing near the punch bowl giggling about two guys who were making a fool of themselves when someone waved in our direction. Before I knew it Bonnie sprinted from my side to hug this person at the other side of the room. The dim light and the multicolour disco lights made it difficult to see the other person clearly. As they started walking back towards me and Caroline I realized Bonnie was walking next to a tall, slim yet well-built guy.
When our eyes met something strange happened. I felt my insides turn to glue. He looked at me, his eyes widening just enough for me to notice. He smiled, and then looked towards Bonnie asking her something. When they got closer I noticed he had dark hair and blue eyes. He looked into my eyes again and I couldn't help but look away, turning my attention towards Caroline. That didn't help – when I turned around he was standing right in front of me. His eyes, I was surprised to notice, were actually blue-grey. And they were piercing me with an intensity I'd never before witnessed. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe.
'Elena, Caroline, I would like you to meet Damon.' Bonnie said allowing me to shift my gaze to her.
Damon... Before I could say anything Caroline huffed.
'Hello, Damon.' Her anger was something I did not expect to see tonight.
'I'm sorry, have we met before?' Damon asked, reluctantly.
'We have but I doubt you would remember.' Caroline almost sneered, turned around and left in a huff, chasing that other guy she'd met earlier.
'Did I miss something?' Damon asked, seeming both awkward and confused.
'That's just Caroline, ignore her. She probably flirted with you and you didn't flirt back.' Bonnie said laughing. Damon nodded in acknowledgement and smiled.
I let out a quiet awkward giggle. I felt ridiculously nervous around him.
'It's nice to meet you, Damon.' I said and stupidly put my hand up to shake his. He smiled – the most crooked smile I'd ever seen in a guy.
'It's great meeting you too, Elena.' And he grabbed my hand, holding it for a while in his, and making my insides melt.
'How do you know Bonnie?' I asked trying to shift his focus off me.
'Well, we know each other from highschool actually.' The way Bonnie said it made it sound like there was a double meaning to her words.
'There it comes.' He said seeming in pain. It got me very curious.
'Damon's from Mystic Falls. We attended the same high-school together but we never really got on.'
'Oh, intrigue.' I replied smiling.
'That's true – you weren't part of the cool gang.' Damon told Bonnie.
'I wasn't a cheerleader is what Damon wants to say.' I couldn't help but laugh at their banter.
'How did you come to be friends?'
'That is a very long story...' Damon said and I could just tell he was trying to avoid telling the story.
'A story which involves him getting his clothes stolen at a party, and me helping his sorry ass.' Bonnie added and my mouth just dropped open. Damon seemed uncomfortable and closed his eyes shaking his head.
'Well, there goes my cool image straight out the window.' He said, gesticulating in a very theatrical manner.
'It's alright, Elena doesn't judge.' Bonnie said.
'Oh, I think I'll judge you just a tiny bit.' I said snickering. His expression went from embarrassed to devilish.
'I bet you did some crazy things yourself in highschool.' He said it in such a confident manner that it took me a while to understand.
I wasn't sure what he was implying, but it made me feel like a very bad girl. I could feel blood rising in my cheeks as he stared at me in a caring yet naughty way.
'Not nearly as crazy as the sounds of your teen adventures.' Touche. He looked impressed and almost in awe.
Bonnie must have sensed that something was going on between us as she quickly excused herself leaving us all alone.
'I've never met a girl like you.' His big blue eyes seemed so sincere when he said that... Yet he had 'bad boy' written all over him. And I was ashamed to say I liked it – more than I should.
'And what kind of girl am I, Damon?' I asked calling his bluff.
'You're a good girl who is trying to look bad and tough so that nobody breaks those walls you've tried so hard to build around you. In truth you're sensitive, kind, and very protective of your friend. You are good at reading people and hate it when others try to deceive you.' I looked at him feeling like all my defenses dissolved then and there. I felt oddly exposed. I felt vulnerable.
'Lucky guess.' I said and he smiled, as if he'd known me for a lifetime. He got closer to me, leaned in and whispered in my ear making me shiver.
'You're a small-town girl and you've never seen the real world. Despite trying to be just like everyone else and fit in, you secretly want passion, adventure and even a bit of danger in your life.'
By the time he finished whispering I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for him to swoop me in his arms and run away with me.
I felt my head spinning realizing that somehow, against all odds this stranger knew me better than I knew myself. It seemed surreal, like something you would see in movies.
As he leaned back and looked at me with his gorgeous blue eyes I knew I was doomed. I realized this boy was trouble. Yet right then and there – he had won me over.
I had fallen head over feels for him - quickly, helplessly and all too much at once.
Present day
As I started typing I felt like something inside me was coming back to life again. I silently promised myself that I would never delve into these memories again – if anything, it was dangerous and reckless of me. If the past decade had told me anything, it was that looking back never got me anywhere – it actually pulled me down, pulled me back. But I couldn't help but type, and the more I typed the more I knew it was the right thing.
The moment I laid my eyes on him I knew I was in love.
It was his cocky way of smiling, his somewhat cool yet sweet manner, his confidence that almost tipped towards arrogance. His beautiful piercing blue eyes. His way of reading me like an open book, knowing the meaning behind my every word and gesture.
Today I would like to revisit one of the romantic topics that are most endearing to all of us – the infamous'first love'. No matter how it begins, progresses or ends, our first love affects us the most, setting the scene for the rest of our love lives.
The thrills that go up and down your spine the moment he leans in and kisses you for the first time... The sound your heart makes in your chest when he first tells you that he loves you... The feeling when you realize that you cannot physically get closer to another human being than when you are in his arms...
First love is the most pure form of love, the most innocent expression of one's emotions. It is so intense because nobody else has ever owned a piece of your heart before. You find yourself giving your heart away so easily and completely, without any shred of doubt, without realizing how much you could get hurt. You trust the other person with your everything – your heart, your dreams, your disillusions. Wholeheartedly, without hesitation.
First love is being naive and silly. It's about being a dreamer when the world around you is full of cynics and non-believers. First love gives you wings to touch the sky, and makes you think that nothing could be better in this life. Even when it breaks your heart and makes you wish it had never happened, you can't help but look back and have fond memories of the time spent together. The truth is... you can never forget your first love.
Let us all take a moment to remember our first loves – a happier, sunnier, hopeful time. Some of us may not have done this in a very long time. Some might not have seen them in decades, while others may have remained friends with their firsts. And a few of us may still wake up every single morning next to their first love.
How lucky are they?
I looked back at the draft and couldn't help but smile. It felt more optimistic – more real. It still needed a lot of work, but I think I had captured the overall message I wanted to send across.
Part of me felt like I was betraying Stefan for writing this article. Another part of me felt relief – that I could finally get this off my chest. One of the reasons I had always loved writing was because I could lay all my thoughts onto paper, make them come to life, transpose my emotions and beliefs into a story, and hopefully help others by sharing my experiences.
I glanced towards the clock and knew it was time to go. Thirty minutes later, on the other side of Atlanta, I was pulling in front of Meredith Fell's centre. I felt strangely nervous as I got out of the car. Whether I was nervous because I didn't believe this would work I couldn't say. I saw Stefan waiting outside, looking even more nervous than me, and I calmed down a bit. This was going to be hard on both of us. At least, strangely, we were in this together.
He seemed so happy when he saw me that I couldn't help but remember all the good times we had shared. I was surprised he had agreed to this in the first place. But in a way it seemed like the only option left for us.
His hand rested on my back as he opened the door and guided me inside the centre. Him touching me felt familiar, it felt safe. Even when our names were called out at the desk I didn't panic or regret coming here. It felt right.
Meredith Fell came in smiling and offered us a beverage. She must have been the same age as us, and seemed like a lovely woman. Brunette, beautiful, smart... She sat down, trying to make some light conversation about the weather and then her tone of voice became all serious.
'So, this is your first counselling session, correct?' Stefan and I looked at each other and we both felt unable to answer.
'I know first-timers when I see them. I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable.'
'Not at all.' Replied Stefan trying to be as polite as he could.
'I have to warn you... this isn't going to be an easy process. Every couple responds differently to counselling. There is no exact formula that I can use to make things go smooth and work the first time around.' I took her words in feeling all of a sudden like this was a crude awakening.
'We trust your judgement Dr Fell.' Again, Stefan had replied breaking my silence.
'Please call me Meredith.' She said smiling at both of us.
'Now, I have to ask – why have you decided to take up counselling?' She looked towards me expectantly.
'To work on saving our marriage.' Stefan replied right away.
'Did you have the initiative to start counselling sessions?' Meredith didn't bother asking me this time around.
'No, that was Elena's idea.' And that made her look at me again.
'Tell me, Elena... why do you feel that you need to work on your marriage?'
Meredith looked straight at me. I couldn't say she intimidated me or put me on the spot. In fact there was something about her – she was sympathetic and gentle, as if she understood what we were going through. Probably the best qualities you could wish in a marriage counsellor.
But I still felt incredibly uncomfortable. I couldn't help but avoid her gaze and I found myself staring at my hands as they clenched together. I felt the unbearable need to bite my nails – a habit I had given up on two decades ago.
All of a sudden I felt like I was trapped. I realized I didn't want to be here after all. I didn't want to talk to a stranger about our problems – not because I didn't think it would help us. No, it ran deeper than that.
'Elena?' Meredith gently asked, and I could see Stefan turning to look at me, a concerned look on his face.
If I could, I would've gotten up in that very moment and run far far away. I didn't want to go through it all again – to re-live every moment of it. All the pain and embarrassment and self-doubt were coming back and I couldn't do anything to stop them. I knew I had chosen to come here but somehow I feared that it would do more harm than good. I didn't feel safe anymore, instead I felt vulnerable and afraid - of what we may say, of what may happen to us if we didn't succeed.
I took a deep breath, dug my nails into my hands and braced myself as I answered.