A/N: Thanks again everyone for reading and commenting. Alec's "restful" weekend continues… I hope that Alec and Tess make sense even if they don't make sense, if you know what I mean. Thank you hazelmist – for everything!

CHAPTER 19

Hardy eyed the gang of reporters. His gaze darted back and forth between them and the promising safety of his house. It was too far for him to make a run for it, not in his current condition. Or maybe he could make it?

"DI Hardy, was that your daughter, the child your wife carried when you shot Gregory Carter?" one of the journalists shouted at him, sticking a recording device under his nose. More lights flashed and they blinded him momentarily. He pressed his lips together and tried to side step the closest reporter. Which only led to him bumping into another one.

"DI Hardy, does the fact that you shot Carter in front of his eight year old boy in any way influence the current investigation?" This time it was a mobile phone hovering in front of his nose which was recording his silence. He swatted it out of his view.

"DI Hardy, is there any truth to the rumor that you yourself pulled out Pippa Gillespie from her grave in the river?"

It cost him his two decades of experience as a police officer to keep a straight face and to not flinch. He moved again, shoving his way through the circle of journalists that had crowded around him. His heart was speeding up and he realized that his pills were in the coat that he had given to Daisy. Not that he could have taken any of them right now anyway. The flashing lights blended in with the vertigo caused by lightheadedness and it all threatened to overcome him. Ironically, the bodies encroaching on him prevented him from toppling over when his legs gave out. None of them realized what was going on, when he disguised his fall as an attempt to break through the tight ring they had formed around him. He slumped against one of them who shrieked in anger and yelled something about police brutality. Then the reporter moved to the side and he broke free of them.

He didn't want to run because he knew he shouldn't really, but walking at a fast pace wasn't cutting it. They were right behind him, raining down their questions on him, flashes indicating the frantic picture taking. His house was about 300 yards away. He felt for the key in his pocket and balled his hand around the sharp edges of the metal. It helped to focus and ignore the spinning world around him. He forced himself to move faster and eventually he was running, the urge to escape the onslaught winning over any rational thought.

He made it almost to the driveway. A sharp pain took his breath away and he fell to his knees just about thirty feet away. Somewhere in his foggy mind he hoped it had looked like as if he had tripped over something. He sucked in a few shuddering breaths and clambered to his feet. His hands were turning numb and the fluttering in his chest occupied his whole soul. He had to make it to the safety of his home. Somehow the key found its way into the lock. He stumbled inside, slammed the door shut, and sank to the floor, clutching his torso.

He couldn't stay in the hallway though. What if Tess brought Daisy home and found him there? He rolled over onto all fours and crawled towards the stairs. He needed his medication. The pain was excruciating but he hadn't passed out yet, so maybe he'd be able to manage. One step at a time he pulled himself up to the bedroom. By the time he got there he was drenched in sweat and sobbing with the agony. After what seemed a never ending struggle he came to rest next to his night stand. He pulled out the drawer and fished out the pills. The blister packs presented their own challenge, not wanting to cooperate with his shaking hands. Eventually he succeeded and gagged all of them down. He closed his eyes, leaning back against the frame of the bed. He had no energy left to climb up and so he stayed where he was.

The last image on his mind before he passed out was that of the sneering faces of the reporter crowd that was surely besieging his house.

"Alec?" A voice filtered through.

"Alec!" Someone was shaking his shoulder.

He forced his eyes open and was greeted by Tess' worried face. At least he hoped it was worried because he couldn't focus, his vision still blurry in a spinning world. Tess was talking to him and he had no idea what she said. He closed his eyes again, shaking his head slowly trying to get his bearing.

"Alec, what's going on?" she asked, voice strained with concern. Her hand still rested on his shoulder and he welcomed her touch.

His answer was swallowed by a cough and a groan. He tried to pick up his exhausted body but failed until she pulled him up into a sitting position, yet again leaning against the bedframe. His head fell back on the mattress and he let his eyes drift shut again.

"Is Daisy okay?" he breathed.

"Yes, she is. I left her at Molly's house. Glad I did because these damned reporters are still camping out in front of the house."

"Thanks. 'M sorry…" he couldn't finish because another wave of burning pain behind his sternum took his breath away. He moaned and clutched his chest.

"Alec, I'm calling 999. I think you might be having a heart attack or something." She stood and all he was able to do was catch her leg. She stopped and frowned down at him.

"What are you doing? I've got to get my phone."

"Please, don't. It's not a heart attack." He made an effort to get to his feet, only to plop down heavily onto the bed. His arms braced his body and he tried to reign in his labored breathing.

"I don't care, Alec," she yelled at him. The stress in her voice was obvious and he felt guilty. "I don't know what the hell is going on with you but considering that a few weeks ago your heart stopped, I'm not taking any chances." She turned to leave.

Hardy tried to think fast. Which in his current condition wasn't going to win him any medals. He had to tell her, so much was clear, but he could still control the flow of information.

"I ran from the reporters, shouldn't have done that." She stopped, question on her face, and he knew he had bought himself some time.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she snapped.

"No unnecessary exertion. Doctor's orders. Same thing like not drinking any caffeinated beverages."

"Do you think I'm a fucking moron, Alec? Not drinking coffee because you had a severe panic attack and being instructed to refrain from unnecessary exertion doesn't seem to be on the same page to me. And don't you think I haven't noticed that you've been popping those anxiety pills or whatever they are like they're candy." She was yelling at him again.

He gave up. After today's events he didn't have it in him any longer to hide. Baxter already knew and he needed her help with the procedure next week, it was time to come clean. He opened his mouth to tell her everything when she continued.

"I'm sick and tired of you acting like such a selfish arse all the time. You scare the shit out of Daisy with your erratic behavior because you can't keep work and home separated. I know you pulled the girl out of the water and that was rather traumatic, but seriously? Can't you pull yourself together just a tiny bit? If you have a mental health problem then take care of it."

Hardy's stomach clenched. He suddenly felt nauseated. It took him a few heart beats to even process what she had said. How could she be so harsh?

"Mental health problem?" he echoed, still trying to wrap his mind around her words. Anger started to boil up inside. It dumbfounded him how she could not see that there was something seriously wrong with him. She had found him passed out in their bedroom and was ready to call 999 and now that? Granted, he had gone through great lengths to hide the truth from her but she was a bloody detective. One would think she'd draw some conclusions from the things she had noticed.

"Don't play daft, Alec," she sighed, patience wearing thin.

"I can't imagine you would have called 999 for your looney husband. I don't have a mental health problem, Tess," he growled.

She snorted and then noted his choice of words. "What are you saying, Alec?"

To his consolation there was at least some worry in her voice. His anger dissipated. After all he couldn't blame her for his secretive behavior. He beckoned her to sit on the bed next to him. She didn't move until he started talking.

"I… I haven't been doing well since I was discharged from the hospital." He preempted her interruption by holding up his hand and shaking his head. "Please, just hear me out, love. Remember when I told you in the hospital I was prone to passing out when I get very emotional?" She nodded and sat down at the edge of the bed.

"There's a bit more to the story." He hoped his stupid heart would let him finish telling her the truth as his chest was feeling tight again. His gaze darted away from Tess to his drawer with the pills. He might as well make that part of his confession. He reached over and fished out what he needed.

He sucked in a deep breath and then let it out. "These aren't pills to calm me down if I get too anxious, Tess. These are pills to keep my heart beating properly when I get too emotional. Or overexert myself like I did today." He popped two out and swallowed them right in front of her. Her eyes widened and she pressed her lips together. Her hand clenched the sheet until her knuckles turned white.

"You told me your heart was fine. This sounds anything but fine. You fucking lied to me," she spat at him. He couldn't even deny it and his guilt was growing.

"You're right, I didn't tell you the full truth back then," he admitted.

"Why did you not tell me?" Her voice was almost not audible but still razor sharp.

"I wanted to. But I had just found out myself and was trying to wrap my brain around it. And Daisy was so sick, I –"

"That's not good enough, Alec," Tess interjected. "Don't use her as an excuse. You had plenty of time since then."

Hardy was getting desperate. He hadn't had one minute to seriously explain what was really wrong with him. Tess was all hung up on the fact he'd lied as he feared she'd be.

"Did I really, Tess? Because all we've done for the past weeks is argue. I was going to tell you the day after the wedding. Remember, I told you I'd have to make changes in my life."

She snorted. "Maybe if you'd had any interest in letting me in and if you were more engaged in this family then you'd have found the time."

That hurt. Hardy flinched and pressed his fist against his chest. "Tess, I swear I was going to tell you everything, but then we got the shout about the two girls. And after that there never seemed to be a good time. We were fighting and I got so wrapped up with the case…" he trailed off. His gaze found hers and to his surprise there was understanding looking back at him. But then her eyes darkened again and the scowl was back.

"Have you told Daisy?" she asked.

Hardy shook his head. "No." He hesitated. "I think she's worried though. She caught me a couple of times not feeling well." He chose not to tell Tess about the near accident. Not yet at least. He would have to tell her though why he had abandoned his car.

"I can't believe that you would lie to her. Me – I get it, but her?" Tess was livid.

"I haven't lied to Daisy, just haven't told her yet."

"Don't be stupid, Alec. Not telling is equally as bad as outright lying."

She had a point and he acknowledged it. He slumped back on the head board, his heart still beating very irregularly. It was making it hard to focus on the conversation when all that your body was trying to focus on was breathing and staying awake. He must have drifted off again when a burning pain on his face jerked him awake.

He rubbed his cheek and looked at her incredulously. "Did you just slap me?" His voice broke with the shift in pitch.

"You were out and shaking your shoulder didn't help," she excused her actions. His mouth gaped open while he stared at her in confusion. That didn't sound right to him and it certainly had hurt in more than one way.

"Are you taking care of this or are you being your usual idiotic self and ignoring it?"

"Tess, do you really think I can ignore this?" he scoffed.

"How would I know? It's not like you shared your little problem with me." And before he could say anything, she continued, "Have you even thought about what it would mean to Daisy if you got seriously ill because you don't take care of yourself? How dare you be so selfish?"

Hardy didn't know what to say. He was angry and wounded at the same time and tears were welling up. He barely could breathe when he barked back at her.

"Are you seriously accusing me of being selfish because I'm ill? What does it take for you to realize that I'm not doing this to spite you, Tess? I've been struggling to keep it together, I go to the doctor, I take my medications, try to eat healthy and follow instructions. What else do you want from me? I have no master plan to neglect myself deliberately in order to accomplish - I don't even know what."

He had leaned forward during his rant, trying to catch his breath but failed and was gasping for air now. "Please, Tess…" – he was desperate – "Can you just give me a break…" – another gasp – "I don't think I can take much more." He collapsed back onto the pillow, eyes closed, his mind focused on the basic functions of his body – breathing and keeping his heart in check.

And finally, she relented.

Her fingers brushed his hair out of his face and unbuttoned the top of his shirt. She helped him getting more comfortable and propped his head on a pillow.

"Is there anything you need? Some more of those pills?" Her tone was softer now. He slowly shook his head, blinking against the blurry vision. He was so exhausted, his eyelids drooping. He shivered and Tess tucked a blanket around him.

"Get some rest, Alec." And with the feeling of her lips brushing over his forehead he fell asleep.

A gentle tug on his shoulder woke him up. He opened his eyes to find Tess sitting next to him on the bed.

"Hiya, how're you feeling?"

He sniffed in some air and pulled himself up to sit. "Better." It was dark outside. "What time is it?"

"After seven. You slept all afternoon."

"What happened with -"

"They're finally all gone," Tess preempted his question.

"Is Daisy home?" He was hopeful, craving the closeness of his family. Tess shook her head and he pressed his lips together.

"I let her stay at Molly's, just in case. She can't be dragged into this. It's bad enough as it is already."

In principal he agreed but he would have liked to see Daisy after he sent her off running from the journalist.

"I could call her?" he asked with a surprising amount of insecurity.

"Molly's parents were going to take them to the movies, so I'm not sure if she would pick up the phone," Tess explained not without sympathy.

"Oh. All right then. Maybe later?" He sounded pathetic.

"Sure, if you're still up."

He rolled his eyes at her. "I'm not an invalid who sleeps all day, Tess."

She tilted her head and gave him a wry smile, patting his arm. Then she bent down and picked something up from the floor. It was a tray with food.

"I made you supper, that's why I came to wake you. Thought you shouldn't sleep through the whole night without eating something."

He looked at her in surprise. "I could have come downstairs."

"Yup, but maybe you should take it easy for once." She placed the tray in his lap and brushed her fingers through his bangs. His lips curled up in a happy smile as he eyed the food and his wife. Then he faltered, remembering all the medications he needed to take.

Tess frowned. "What is it, Alec? You don't like what I made?" She sounded hurt.

"No, love. No that's not it," he hurried to defuse her concerns. He took her hand and said shyly, "I need to take some pills before I can eat."

Her eyes widened. "Bloody hell, Alec. Are you going to explain to me what the heck is going on with you?" The interrogation room tone had found its way into her voice and Hardy for the first time since he knew her felt intimidated by his wife of almost fifteen years.

He dropped his gaze, staring at the pasta, studying every piece and the way the sauce was dripping off the curvy spirals. He took in a deep breath and let it out, sighing. How did one tell their spouse that they had a life-threatening heart disease that could kill them suddenly and without much warning? Maybe he could start with what he was doing about it? Would that make it easier? He didn't know. He still didn't look at her when the words finally came out hesitantly.

"The doctors put me on a lot of medication to make sure something like what happened in the hospital won't happen again. I also have a laundry list of stuff that I'm supposed to do and not do, like no caffeine, no unnecessary exertion, eat healthy foods." He paused, throwing a quick glance at her. "I'm also not supposed to drive."

"What? Why?" Incredulity and worry made her voice sharp and Hardy felt uncomfortable in his skin. Maybe this whole confession wasn't a good idea after all. She was so easily irritated these days, maybe he should have waited until he had all the answers to the puzzle. Not that he didn't know what the doctor's recommendations were. He hadn't even gone anywhere near the topic of the need for the pacemaker. In fact he still hadn't told her what was actually wrong with his heart.

"Alec, pay attention. I asked you a question." She hit him on the arm and he jerked out of his train of thought.

"Ouch, why do you always do that? It hurts you know," he complained, holding the spot.

"Ach, don't distract," she dismissed him. "Why are you not supposed to drive?"

"'Cause they're afraid I might pass out while I'm behind the wheel," he admitted, feeling like a criminal.

Her eyes narrowed and her cheeks turned red. A sure sign she was angry at him. "And you've been taking Daisy to school all this time. What the fuck do you think you're doing, what if something had happened?"

He could feel the color leaving his face. He quickly reached for the tea mug to hide his trembling fingers but she had already noticed. She blew up.

"For fuck's sake. It already has, hasn't it? That's why you came home without your car last night."

He didn't have to answer, it was written all over his face. She jumped up and started pacing in the room.

"If you hurt her because of your inability to take care of yourself, I'm going to make your life hell, Alec," she growled and he knew that every word was true.

"Nobody got hurt. It was just a scare. I don't think she even realized what happened," he said. His eyes were downcast, reflecting his shame.

"I'm glad you take it this lightly, because I don't," she snapped.

"I'm not, Tess," he barked back, losing his patience. "I was fucking horrified about what could have happened. Do you really think I would deliberately put her into harm's way?"

"You did, Alec. Ignoring the doctor's recommendations makes it rather deliberate to me," she stated coldly.

He stared at her. There was no argument to come back from that. She was right. The realization was sinking in and it crushed him. He put the tray to the side and leaned back, eyes closed, breathing heavy.

"I can't believe you're such a bloody idiot about this," she huffed. Then she suddenly stopped her restless walking back and forth. "Should you even be at work?"

His eyes snapped open. He didn't know what part he had dreaded more – discussing work or having to tell her that he could die any moment until he got the pacemaker. Which they still hadn't talked about.

"They didn't say I can't work," he stated carefully. Technically, it wasn't a lie. He hated himself.

Tess' face scrunched up in disbelief. "Seriously? You're not supposed to drive, not exert yourself, and take all kinds of medications but you're okay to lead a murder investigation that is one of the most profiled cases that this town has ever had? You expect me to swallow that crap?"

"Love, please. I need to finish the case and then I'll take some time off to get things taken care of," he pleaded.

"Horseshit, Alec. I can see how exhausted you've been and then all those nightmares and bizarre behavior. You're not up for the job right now, I hate to tell you this. I'm not going to stand here and watch this any longer." She pulled out her phone and started dialing a number.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm calling Baxter," she replied curtly.

"He already knows, Tess," Hardy stated quietly. More so than she did as a matter of fact.

"What? How come he knows and I don't?" The anger was back.

"'Cause he caught me not feeling well a couple of days ago," he sighed. The conversation was exhausting him and he wished he could just share without being sidetracked by all the hurt feelings. On both sides. It hadn't slipped his attention that when she heard about the car, she had never asked if he got hurt.

She put the phone away, a puzzled look creeping onto her face. "And he let you keep working? That's so not like him. What lies did you tell him, Alec? Or do you only exclude me and not your best buddie?" Her sarcasm stung.

He scrubbed down his face with his fingers. "Tess, please. I'm not excluding you. What I am doing though is having a really hard time. This case is getting to me. Badly." He paused and swallowed. His hands were kneading the blanket. "I dream about Pippa every night. I drown in that damned river and then when I pull her out her face turns into Daisy's and it's so horrifying." His voice broke.

Tess perched herself at the edge of the bed. He had her attention now, her pensive blue eyes holding his gaze.

"Who would do something like that? Kill a child, a girl like Daisy, and then dump her to rot in the water? What if I'd never found her? Can you imagine what the parents would go through? I talked to them yesterday, they are broken, Tess. And we haven't even found Lisa...," he trailed off, tears choking his throat.

Tess uncurled his cramped fingers from the blanket and rubbed her thumb over his palms. It soothed him enough to be able to go on.

"I promised them to find whoever did this to their child. I promised Daisy. I have to finish this case. I need to know that we got them and that it won't happen again. I couldn't live with myself if this was the one case I failed." He stopped, breathless and emotionally exhausted from this confession of his anguish that was weighing him down just as much as his secret heart condition.

Tess was quiet, still holding his hand. She was staring out into the dark, lost in her own thoughts. Eventually, she came back from wherever she had been.

"Can you promise me that you will take care of yourself? That you won't do any more reckless shit like endangering yourself or others?" she asked, voice hollow and strained.

"I won't. And I promise I'll deal with it." He was sincere. "As soon as we've arrested someone. We put in for a warrant for Ashworth. Claire Ripley indicated she wasn't with him that night and -"

"She changed her statement?" Tess was surprised.

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Not quite. Not officially. She's been playing games with me, but I'm sure I can convince her to amend what she said."

"You're gonna get her to testify against her husband?" Doubt was lacing Tess' words.

He shrugged. "It's our only way to get anywhere with this. We've got no hard evidence, only circumstantial things and without cracking his alibi we have no chance of a conviction."

Tess nodded in agreement. "Just make sure you're not getting dragged into something that you'll regret later on. She's been playing the woman in distress card with you and that's your Achilles' heel." She leaned over, tenderly brushing her fingers over his cheek.

"You saved Daisy's and my life all those years ago, you put yourself in danger and went against all your beliefs about taking someone's life. You're a good man, Alec, and I don't want you to hurt yourself because someone's taking advantage of that. Please be careful." Her blue eyes were warm and Hardy was losing himself in them like he had so many times before. He took her hand that was still cupping his face and kissed her palm.

"I love you, Tess," he breathed, eyes tearing up.

There was a brief flicker of sadness which was swept away by her smile. "You're a sop, Alec Hardy. Don't let your daughter see you like that."

They both grinned and Tess reached over to put the tray in his lap. He held her back and bent over to his nightstand drawer.

"Gotta take those first, love." He tried to remember which ones he was supposed to have with supper and was successful enough. Tess eyed the small pile of pills in his hand.

"Alec, what's wrong with your heart?" Her voice trembled and tears welled up in her big blue eyes.

"We're still figuring it out." This was as close as he had gotten to telling her about the upcoming procedure and the need for the pacemaker. He took in a deep breath and his gaze lingered on her watery eyes. His stomach clenched up and his courage fell.

"Everything will be fine, love. Don't worry so much. My heart's going to be okay. I've got a good doctor who's taking care of me and will fix things." It was a lie but he couldn't tell her, he couldn't make her cry. He wiped away her tears with his thumb and smiled, hoping it reached his eyes.

She tilted her head and looked at him for a long time. Then she stood and kissed the top of his head.

"Eat your food before it gets all cold. I'll be back in a bit."

His gaze lingered on her when she walked away. Guilt over not telling her the truth was building up inside but he couldn't bring himself to reveal how ill he really was. He ate a few bites of the pasta before the nausea took over and his appetite was gone. He put the tray aside, falling back on his pillow. The strain of this day was catching up with him and all his body wanted to do was sleep. Tomorrow was another day and maybe he'd finally find the strength to tell his wife and daughter what was really ailing him.