INT. TARDIS

Close on a radar-like screen. The display is the same as the one used in Episode 4 by the rogue police officer who attacked the Tardis. Of course, we now know that the police officer in question was Doctor Two and his police van was another Tardis in disguise.

The Doctor smashes the screen with a mallet. His new companion, attorney Rat the Mic, shields his eyes from the sparks and shards of glass that fly everywhere. Using a pair of electrical gloves, the Doctor reaches inside the smashed screen and yanks out a small silver disc with lights that blink red. He and Rat the Mic inspect the device.

RAT THE MIC
What the hell is it?

DOCTOR
Class four tracker. Bet you six hegsfox it's tuned to a homing beacon the other Doctor planted on my Tardis. Must have been during the dragon attack; either when we were in the church or maybe when we were hiding in the subway tunnel.

RAT THE MIC
Right. So, this thing can track the other Tardis? Tell us exactly when and where it is? And you thought it would be a good idea to smash it to bits?

The Doctor opens his mouth to say something, then sulks, realizing his mistake. He shakes his head.

DOCTOR
I can fix it. I can fix it. Besides, no, it can't do that. It has a limited range of three systems and has to be in the same exact time period as the beacon. But if you knew where someone was going to be, it wouldn't be too hard to park yourself there in a Tardis and wait until the right time; for instance, inside of a stasis chamber.

The Doctor raises his eyebrow and grins a little.

DOCTOR
You see where I'm going with this?

RAT THE MIC
But how did he know you'd go to the clinic?

DOCTOR
Hmm, yes, that is a puzzler. If only one of us were a super-intelligent hyper-genius capable of discerning even the most confounding of mysteries.

Rat the Mic shoots him a dirty look as the Doctor rubs his chin and pretends to ponder.

RAT THE MIC
Probably doesn't hurt that you're only having to think thoughts you've already thought of before to figure out how he did everything, but let's just ignore that part for now.

DOCTOR
That's how I'm proceeding, yes.

The Doctor walks towards the door to Rose's room.

INT. TARDIS - ROSE'S ROOM

The Doctor enters and immediately points to the pile of parts that used to be the holo-screen.

DOCTOR
And there it is.

Rat the Mic enters and sees the pile of parts.

RAT THE MIC
A dismantled holo-screen?

DOCTOR
Question, how does one draw the Doctor and his companion to a specific location at a specific time if one has no idea where they are headed? Answer, manipulation, my good man. And what is the greatest instrument of manipulation ever invented in the history of the universe? Television.

Rat the Mic nods, agreeing with the Doctor.

DOCTOR
During my first encounter with the other me, I inexplicably suffered some rather disconcerting side effects; bit of double vision, a scoshe of hypertension, barely a hint of violent projectile vomiting, and general kafloopyness. These are all medical terms. Shouldn't you be writing this down?

RAT THE MIC
Why?

DOCTOR
I assumed you'd want to put all of this in some kind of memoir which would then be optioned by a major digital movie studio and turned into a series of successful franchise films that would eventually run their course only to be rebooted three years later with a younger cast and better special effects.

RAT THE MIC
What in the moon-loving freecamp are you talking about?

DOCTOR
Is that... not a thing... on your planet?

RAT THE MIC
No.

DOCTOR
Frazzit, maybe I do spend too much time on Earth. Anyway, I was talking about my vomit, plethoric as it was. I became very ill, which was the direct result of quite literally being in two different places at the same time. It's a condition known as hyperdiapophasia, in which a Time Lord existing twice in a time period perceives his or her environment as if they had two sets of the same senses. It's easily treated by a neural inhibitor, but since I didn't know the other me existed, I had no way of knowing that's what I was experiencing. Concerned for my health, it was Rose who initiated our time jump to the Zira Clinic. But wherever did she get the idea? The location? She's a human from a time in their history where they don't have intergalactic space travel. How would she even know about the Zira Clinic? I'm asking you a question. Are you even listening?

RAT THE MIC
I thought it was rhetorical.

DOCTOR
It wasn't.

The Doctor waits.

DOCTOR
Still isn't.

RAT THE MIC
Oh. Um... something having to do with the holo-screen, obviously.

DOCTOR
Spoon fed you that one. Honestly, it's like a rolling a stone up a hill. How did you ever pass your law exams?

RAT THE MIC
I was sleeping with the proctor.

DOCTOR
Really?

RAT THE MIC
No. Can we get on with this?

DOCTOR
The snark isn't all together unfamiliar, but it's cuter coming from a blonde. Would you consider-?

RAT THE MIC
No.

RAT THE MIC
Right. Commercials, on the holo-screen. The other Doctor knew, being a product of Earth's 21st century, that a majority of Rose's downtime would likely be spent glued to the holo-screen. Earth women love television. It lets them pretend like their lives are more interesting than they really are while simultaneously programming them to be everything the men of that society want them to be. All the other me had to do was bombard the hyper-channels with advertisements for the clinic to plant the little seed in the back of Rose's mind.

RAT THE MIC
Brilliant.

DOCTOR
Of course it was. I thought of it.

RAT THE MIC
And a little fiendish.

DOCTOR
Hurtful. So, he founds the Zira Clinic in the past. Using advanced knowledge he and I have acquired over the many billions of years of history we've traversed, he turns it into the medical treatment capitol of the entire universe. He broadcasts advertisements on every hyper-channel, knowing Rose will see them. He then parks his Tardis in the basement and goes nighty-night in one of the stasis pods, programming it to open the second the tracker picks up the homing beacon on the second Tardis.

RAT THE MIC
So, we can do the same thing, presumably.

DOCTOR
To get a message to Rose, yes, but the other me will probably have disabled the beacon on the other Tardis the first chance he got. Luckily, we already know where and when he's going thanks to my little genocide trial thing.

RAT THE MIC
Earth's arctic, 2054.

DOCTOR
We do have a stop to make first.

EXT. MADAM HOLU'S HOUSE OF EROS - NIGHT

Under a forest green night sky, the seedy underground of an alien world comes to life in the deep downtown district of a city run by crime lords. You won't see the Tonades patrolling these street corners.

Neon signs outside of Madam Holu's House of Eros depict animated forms of debauchery one might find inside. The windows to the establishment are tinted, leaving the rest to the imagination. A pair of well-dressed mob ENFORCERS stand guard outside the front entrance, exchanging hallucinogenic drugs for currency. There's a line of people waiting to get inside that extends around the block.

Across the street, a PROSTITUTE smiles as she counts her money leaving an alley. Twenty seconds later, a BUSINESSMAN exits the alley with an even wider smile on his face. Ten seconds later, we hear the ethereal gears turn as the Tardis appears in the form of a telephone booth. The Doctor leads Rat the Mic out of the alley.

Just outside the House of Eros, Rat the Mic stops. He grabs the Doctor's arm.

RAT THE MIC
I can't be seen in one of those places. I work for the government.

DOCTOR
Yes, in eight-hundred thousand years, you work for the government.

Rat the Mic thinks, shrugs, then happily follows the Doctor up to the front entrance, cutting the line of people waiting to get inside. This draws derision from the crowd as well as cries of favoritism. One of the enforcers, BRICK, stops the Doctor.

BRICK
Back of the line, hessy.

The Doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out his telepathic ID to show Brick.

DOCTOR
Madam Holu is expecting me.

Brick reads the ID and is surprised by what he sees.

BRICK
My mistake.

He slips the Doctor and Rat the Mic some complementary hallucinogens.

BRICK
Euphormia. Enjoy your pleasure.

The Doctor nods like a man receiving a traffic ticket, then enters. Rat the Mic follows quickly.

INT. MADAM HOLU'S HOUSE OF EROS

Drunk and high mafia thugs take in the splendor of various exotic dancers performing for their pleasure. One man in a crisp suit with vomit stains across his chest apparently took things too far and is lying unconscious on top of a table near a corner booth. As the Doctor walks by, he feels the man's neck for a pulse.

DOCTOR
(to Rat the Mic)
Probably take it easy on the Euphormia.

Rat the Mic nods.

The Doctor and Rat the Mic stroll up to the bar and motion for the attention of the bartender, BEEZARIA; a foxy redheaded octopus-lady with as many breasts as arms. The Doctor shows her his ID.

DOCTOR
I have an appointment with Madam Holu.

Beezaria laughs. She turns away from them to surreptitiously press a concealed red button under the bar while she pretends to clean a pair of glasses.

BEEZARIA
Oh yeah? And I'm Greevo Shanbor. I just like tending bar on the side to get to know myself and be with the common folk.

Beezaria places the two clean glasses in front of the Doctor and Rat the Mic.

BEEZARIA
What's your poison, tramps?

The Doctor pushes his glass back towards Beezaria.

DOCTOR
Madam Holu's my poison. So, how do I get an appointment?

Rat the Mic spots Brick moving towards the bar out of the corner of his eye. Nervous, he looks around and sees several other enforcers also converging on their position, surrounding them.

BEEZARIA
Madam Holu doesn't accept appointments. She chooses her own clients. And you're too soft.

RAT THE MIC
Um, Doctor...

Rat the Mic motions to the seven hulking enforcers now surrounding them. The Doctor turns and sees them.

DOCTOR
Okay, just so you know, this is going to negatively impact my yelp review of this establishment.

The enforcers converge.

-OPENING CREDITS ROLL-

-To be Continued...-