A/N: For those of you who are still with me... thank you! I promise Alec doesn't do anything stupid in this chapter... well, actually that is in the eye of the beholder – some of us may think he's making the most stupid decision in his life; others may think he's making the bravest.

CHAPTER 34

Hardy's neck hurt. He tried to reach for it, but his right hand was tied down at the wrist. As was his left.

"Ach, for fuck's sake," he groaned, eyeing the restraints.

He suppressed the rising panic and put effort into refraining from tugging harder. His self-control was disappointingly poor and he found himself pulling desperately to get free. Attempting to sit up was even less successful, and by the time a nurse finally graced him with her presence, he was so furious that all he could do was spit his anger at her.

"What the fuck do you think you moronic people are doing?"

At least that was what he had in mind. What came out of his mouth sounded like some garbled croak of a strangled toad. He coughed and tried again. This time his voice cooperated. The nurse didn't flinch and although he didn't believe he could get more annoyed, the lack of reaction infuriated him more. All she did was raise an eyebrow when she addressed him.

"Mr. Hardy, the moronic people are trying to keep you alive, that's what we're doing. And if you were not as unreasonable as you are, then none of this would be necessary."

"I'm not unreasonable," he protested gruffly.

"And what do you call trying to escape from the ICU and ripping out your central line in the process? Solid planning? A spiteful move to show us all? Or even better... jolly afternoon exploits with DI Hardy, now including such fun activities as chase the patient and prevent patient from bleeding to death?"

The scathing sarcasm in Emily's voice made Hardy cringe. His recollection of the events was at best fuzzy. He squinted down at the right side of his neck. There was a big dressing where the IV line used to be. Tubing was snaking out from underneath the bandages, filled with a thick red liquid.

He remembered the sticky warmth of his own blood on his body and groaned. "Are you giving me a transfusion? I didn't agree to that." His voice cracked again.

"You didn't have to. It was an emergency because you were exsanguinating in front of us. You were lucky the vascular surgeon happened to be here." She was angry and she didn't bother hiding it.

Hardy tried to remember the details, but he couldn't. All that was stuck in his brain was the memory of his urge to run, his blood dripping down and then Baxter's voice calling him back, telling him he wasn't alone.

"Where's Ed?" he whined. His voice trembled only the tiniest bit, but enough to soften Emily's face and tone.

"I sent him home. He was exhausted. He's seen enough for the past couple of days."

It surprised Hardy how protective she sounded. He idly wondered if the two of them had bonded over the burden of caring for him. Guilt riled up inside his stomach. He was an awful friend and patient. His hands moved to scrub over his face but they were held back by the restraints. He winced and a whimper escaped his throat.

"Emily, 'm sorry. I've been such a burden –"

"You're an idiot, Alec, that's what you are, not a burden. You better stop thinking like that right now," she interjected sharply. Then she turned to the nurse. "Would you mind giving us a few moments?"

Hardy wondered why she felt the need to send the nurse away. A suspicion formed in him and he didn't want to think about it. As soon as they were alone she stepped up to his bed.

"Are you going to run again?" Emily wanted to know, frowning down at him.

He shook his head. His body was barely able to move and he had never felt weaker in his whole life. Alone the thought of sitting up exhausted him.

"No, I'm not. I couldn't. And where would I go anyway?" The last words slipped through before he could hold them back.

"Oh Alec," Emily sighed. She loosened up the restraints and sat down on a chair next to his bed. She put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. Hardy rubbed his wrists and didn't look at her. Then he closed his eyes and turned his head away. He was uncomfortable in his skin, embarrassed about what he had done without even fully recalling his escape attempt.

"Why did you try to run away?" she asked, voice soft.

"Don't like the design of the ceiling tiles. They irk me." He was hiding behind sarcasm, but it bounced off of her. She sat there, taking him in with her wide eyes that were filled with kindness. She remained mute, waiting for him to talk. The only thing she did was adjust the oxygen cannula when his few words left him breathless.

Her patient silence unnerved him. "For God's sake," he growled, scrubbing his face down with his hands. He noted the stubble on his chin and wondered how many days had passed since Thursday. His growing agitation made it harder to find the air to talk. "This place is driving me up the walls. The noise, the smell - it was closing in on me and I had to get out, hide..." He had to pause, too short of breath for any further explanation.

She tilted her head. "Do you want to tell me what you're trying to hide from?" she questioned him with an encouraging expression on her face.

"I don't wanna talk about it," he grunted. His chest tightened and he pressed his fist against it.

"Ed shared with me what happened. Everything," Emily said quietly. Hardy's head whipped around and his eyes widened. Deep embarrassment heated up his face. How could he have done that? Now she knew what his wife had done to him, how she had humiliated him, how much of a failure he was.

He wanted to reply but the growing empty feeling inside didn't let him. Frantic gasps replaced words and his eyes flicked around aimlessly.

"Alec, I need you to calm down. Try to breathe. Remember, in and out, slowly." Her voice was soothing and it anchored him. He followed her monotone instructions and the pain in his chest eased up.

Once he felt better, she stood. "We don't have to talk, Alec, if it upsets you this much. I merely wanted to help, but I don't want to –"

"She said, she doesn't love me any more," he interrupted her, voice breaking. He couldn't hold back, it was weighing too heavily on him. "I don't understand. None of this makes sense to me. I've loved her for so long and I still do, but I must have failed her. She said, I don't care about her, but if I don't why does it hurt so much?" His sobs mixed with his gasps for air and the monitor betrayed the stuttering beat of his broken heart.

Emily took his hand and rubbed her thumb over his palm. "I'm so sorry, Alec. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I spent my whole life studying the human heart. We can do all kinds of tests, look at it with sophisticated technology, but we can never figure out what's really going on inside. I don't have any answers for you. All I can do is try to fix that organ in your chest and give you a chance to heal from this."

Hardy snorted. "For what purpose? My life's gone to shit, no need to try so hard," he spat at her. She didn't deserve his venom, but in his desperation he couldn't help himself. Her cheeks turned pink and she bit down on her lips.

"Alec, please don't be like that," she muttered.

"Seriously? Have you looked at me?" The tide of anger and self-loath washed over him, sweeping him away. "My heart is shit, my marriage is a sham and I fucked up my job. I'm a colossal failure, nothing else." He struggled to take in a deep breath so he could go on with his rant. "I was trying so hard to not let those families down and I failed spectacularly. I wasn't there when I should have been – for nobody. Not for the families of those girls and not for my own family. I banked on the wrong people to take care of things. For God's sake, I trusted her and she..." A shuddering sob shook his body and robbed him of the ability to go on. He buried his face under his trembling fingers, wishing he was still a child that could pretend that when you hid behind your hands, nobody could see you. Vanish and disappear, no more anguish and sorrow.

Emily's arm curled around him and gently tugged him against her side. She stroked his head while she whispered in his ear.

"It wasn't your fault, Alec. You did nothing wrong. You did the best you could and almost killed yourself over this. Your marriage might be over, but you have your daughter. Never forget that. She loves you and you love her, nothing else matters. You'll always be there for her regardless of what life throws at you."

Face buried against Emily's chest, Hardy held on to the image of Daisy lying in her bed reading. Emily was right, he still had her. Regardless of Tess and his destroyed relationship, he would always be there for her. Suddenly, he jerked away from Emily and his eyes widened. The realization that he most likely wouldn't even be able to do that hit him so hard that his feeble heart couldn't cope. He groaned, clutched his chest and passed out before the monitor could warn Emily of the impending attack.

Grey light filtered through the blinds of the window. Hardy blinked into the fading rays of the sun. It was quiet in the room with the exception of the muted sounds of the monitor. He listened to the monotonous beeps of his faulty heart, ticking away the precious moments he had left. His mind was clearer now and so was what lay ahead of him. He didn't need Emily to tell him what his chances of survival were after his second cardiac arrest within less than a month. His body told him everything.

What had been fatigue and exhaustion before, was now utter prostration and a weariness that went through and through. Every move seemed tiring and he was so weak. After learning how poor his prognosis was on Thursday, he'd felt like that for the first time. It had been more emotional than physical, but now his body was beaten and he had no reserve to bounce back. The things that had kept him going then had crumbled with a few words uttered by his wife. That day, she hadn't only lost the key evidence, she'd lost his life with it. His work was destroyed, his health gone and his family in pieces.

He was alone, but Daisy would be lonelier once he would be gone. His heart ached with the thought of his daughter losing her father. He found the smallest comfort in the knowledge that Daisy needed her mother now more than ever. Tess had been right, she was better suited to take care of their daughter. Not lost in work or impaired by illness, but present in Daisy's life. He couldn't do much for her, not any more. And when the time would come, at least Daisy would have Tess who she loved dearly. Not like him, when his mother had died and he was left behind with a father who he could never forgive for looking away and dismissing his mother's depression.

He slowly lifted his hand to his face, rubbing his tired eyes. The scruff on his chin reminded him again that several days must have passed. He had begged Tess not to talk to Daisy but that was before his heart had stopped and he ended up in this godforsaken place. She must have told Daisy something by now why her father had not come home. He hated the idea that he didn't have the chance to explain himself to hopefully soften the blow of his illness and her mother's actions.

Her mother's actions – the words lingered in his fatigued mind. He idly mulled them over until his half-closed eyes snapped open with the sudden certainty that Daisy would never forgive her mother for the affair. Especially not, if she found out about the fall out for the murder case and how poorly he had taken the news. She'd be left with a parent she hated, just like he had been. The sorrow that came with the realization threatened to take his breath away. Stricken with grief over what would happen to his child, he wished for nothing more than to be able to change the course of things.

He was losing his addled mind over the fact that he couldn't save her from the same fate as him. And then in a fleeting moment of clarity, things fell into place. His thoughts were clear as the first rays of sun across the cloudy sky after a rain storm. He was wrong, there was something he could do for her, even beyond his grave. Daisy must never find out what her mother had done. There was only one way for Tess to keep her secret. Only one way for her to come out of this unscathed. He had to take the fall for what happened with the pendant.

The sun had set and the light was gone from the room. Tension fell away from his battered body and he melted into his pillow, laying his head to rest. His eyelids fluttered shut and he exhaled, listening to his slow heartbeat again. It was lulling him to sleep, his mind at peace with the decision he had made to protect the only thing in his life that hadn't been tainted by this waking nightmare his existence had become.

A loud snore woke Hardy. His eyes popped open and he blinked into the dark until he found the source of the nightly disturbance. Baxter was sacked out on a chair next to his bed. To be precise, his head was resting on the mattress, one hand loosely cupping Hardy's, the other dangling down at an odd angle underneath his body. His mouth was slightly open and his chest rose and fell with his deep breaths. His face was bathed in the green lights of the IV pumps. A blanket was halfway sliding down his shoulders.

Hardy's lips curled up at the sight of his friend. It touched him that Baxter would not leave his side, despite the sneaking suspicion that he was also here to make sure Hardy wouldn't run again. Hardy debated if he should wake him and send him home, but the fear of being alone in the hospital claimed a selfish victory. Groaning, he propped himself up and pulled the blanket over Baxter's body. Why did it always have to be so bloody frigid in hospitals? He fell back heavily onto his pillow, his eyes fluttering shut. His fingers curled around Baxter's, savoring the warm touch which helped him feel less lonely.

He was sliding into a slumber when another deep snore startled him. His heart jumped uncomfortably in his chest but quieted down quickly. Hardy sighed. Listening to Baxter's valiant attempts of sawing down a whole forest in his hospital room wasn't very conducive to sleeping. He might have to wake him up after all.

"Ed," he growled with no reaction. He frowned. Baxter apparently was a deep sleeper.

"Ed, wake up," he said, louder this time, tugging on Baxter's hand. Baxter groaned and his eyes slowly opened. As soon as he spotted Hardy awake, he sat up quickly, shaking his head.

"Alec, are you okay? Why are you up? Do you need something?" he babbled sleepily.

"'M fine. And I'd be sleeping if it wasn't for your snoring," Hardy grumbled.

Baxter looked at him with wide eyes. There was a flicker of annoyance playing over his face that he quickly suppressed. Hardy felt bad that he hadn't been nicer to his friend who spent the night in a chair instead of his own bed.

"I'm sorry, Al-" Baxter began.

"No, Ed. I am sorry," Hardy cut him off. "You don't have to apologize. Shouldn't have been this grouchy. Thank you for staying with me..." – he struggled with the words – "... for not leaving me alone."

Baxter smiled. "You're welcome, Alec. Emma used to complain about the same thing." Baxter fell silent, staring off into space for a moment until he came back to present time. Hardy felt a pang of guilt that he had dragged Baxter into this, considering how hard it must be for him to be back in this hospital. And as much as he didn't want to be by himself, he felt the stronger need to make sure his friend was all right.

"You know, you don't have to stay. You should go home and sleep in your own bed. Be with your wife –" Hardy suddenly choked up, strangled by his own new reality of not having anyone to share his life with. He gagged and cupped his mouth with his hand, eyes stinging with tears.

Baxter took in a deep breath and handed him a small metal basin in case he had to throw up. "I'm here, Alec. Not going anywhere," Baxter soothed him, gently tucking the hair out of his face. "You shouldn't be alone right now," he added firmly, not leaving any room for discussion.

Hardy found his gaze and mumbled a "thanks". His stomach and heart calmed down after a while. He tried to go back to sleep, but it wouldn't come. Baxter slouched in the chair, resting his head against the wall and eyes closed. Hardy chewed on his lips. The middle of the night was probably not the best time to discuss his plan of taking the blame for the loss of the pendant. But then there was probably never a good time to try and convince his friend and boss to go along with his idea. He might as well get it over with.

"Ed, can I talk to you about something?" he asked sheepishly, rubbing his tongue over his teeth.

"Hm, sure," Baxter muttered, voice rough with sleep.

"It's about the case..." He watched Baxter opening his eyes and shooting him a quizzical look. "I'm going to take the full responsibility for the loss of the pendant," he stated as firmly as he could.

Baxter eyes snapped open fully and he sat up straight. "Excuse me?" he exclaimed flabbergasted.

Hardy squirmed in his bed. This wasn't going to be easy. "I said, I will take full responsibility for what happened with the pendant," he repeated with less conviction in his voice than he would have liked.

"Are you out of your fucking mind? That's the dumbest idea that you've ever had," Baxter cried out.

"No, it's not," Hardy retorted meekly. He was getting ready to make his argument as soon as Baxter would get through the initial shock.

Baxter stood up abruptly and turned on the lights. Hardy blinked away the blinding glare in his eyes, and when he could see again, Baxter's face was right in front of him, scrutinizing his every move.

"You're serious about this. I can't believe it," Baxter stated incredulously. "Why on earth would you even think about such a stupid thing?" Anger was creeping into Baxter's voice.

"It happened under my watch," Hardy answered, very well knowing that Baxter would throw this out the window quickly. His heart had picked up pace and Hardy made a desperate wish that it would last him through this conversation.

"Bullshit. It happened under no one's watch. Which is exactly the problem." Baxter's reply didn't make sense to Hardy, but he couldn't pay much attention to it.

"Ed, it's the best solution, I thought about it," Hardy pressed on.

"Did you? Then think again, because whatever you've concocted in your fried brain isn't very solid," Baxter spat back at him.

"Please, let me explain," he pleaded, putting his palm flat on the mattress. There was an uncomfortable twinge in his chest and he winced.

Baxter didn't hesitate and reached for the call button. Hardy swiftly grabbed his wrist. They glared at each other and Hardy suddenly remembered doing the same thing in Baxter's office that morning after his world had changed forever. He loosened his grip, self-consciously aware of how tight he'd been holding him.

"I'm sorry, Ed," he mumbled.

Baxter huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. His face was flushed and he wore a deep frown on his forehead. "I'm going to give you two minutes to explain yourself. If your monitor even so much as flickers I'm getting the nurse."

Hardy took in a deep breath. "If I take the responsibility, we can keep Tess out of –"

"No. Absolutely not. I'm not willing to protect her because you have some misplaced feelings for that woman," Baxter spat out, cutting Hardy off vehemently. Baxter continued to shake his head, emphasizing his firm no.

"Please, Ed. That's not what this is about." He closed his eyes to rid himself of Tess' words echoing in his mind. There was another uncomfortable fluttering in his chest and the monitor alarmed.

"That's it. You're done. I'm not watching you have another attack," Baxter exclaimed and hit the call the button. He didn't need to. Hardy's nurse and a familiar looking young doctor barged into the room.

"Oh, hi there, Mr. Hardy. Remember me? Met you in A&E a few weeks ago. Fancy seeing you here again," the young doctor greeted Hardy in an annoyingly cheery voice.

Hardy groaned. The name had slipped his mind, but he recalled the horrific bedside manners and the pleasure he'd had frightening the shit out of this incompetent moron. "Where's Emily?" he growled.

"Dr. Abbott? I hope she's at home in bed sleeping. Something you should be doing as well," the young doctor answered. He had the nerve to wag a scolding finger at Hardy's face. Out of the corner of his eye, Hardy caught Baxter's grin. The doctor pulled a syringe out of his coffee stained coat pocket. He flicked it and with a smile started injecting it into one of the many IV lines.

"What is that?" Hardy asked anxiously.

"It's going to help you get some shut-eye," the doctor explained with a syrupy smile.

"Shut-eye? You can't do that," Hardy cried out, pitch shifted up. He tried to move away, but his broken ribs prevented him from doing so. It was too late anyway. He could already feel the effect of the sedative, his mind fogging up.

"No. I need to talk... to... need to talk to Ed...," he stammered, words getting harder to control. He hated the feeling of loss of control that came with the medication.

"It's all right, Alec. Go to sleep. Relax." Baxter's soothing voice faded away together with his consciousness. His last thought was with his daughter, the urge to protect her burning hotter than ever in him.

A/N: The question WHY Alec took the fall for the loss of the pendant had been vexing me ever since I saw that heart breaking scene in S01x07 when he confesses the truth to the journalists. We heard him say, he didn't want his daughter to know about her mother. But why would he want her to think it was him who had an affair instead? Why would he protect his adulterous wife who had lost everything? This question has been in my head for a long time and was a central part for me when I embarked on telling this story. I hope that my take on the explanation makes sense and that it also makes sense how this version of Alec arrived at that decision; why he'd think Tess needs to be protected in order to save Daisy from a dreadful future.

Now how Alec will actually make it happen, that's a different question and you'll see soon what he comes up with.

And lastly, on a completely different note – I am excited to announce that this moment when we read about Alec's decision was the moment I have been waiting for in order to continue "The Ocean Breathes Salty". So, after basically forever, it will happen – you'll finally find out if Alec ever gets that hug or not (P.S. If you're thinking about re-reading OBS, I'd suggest you may wait until I post the chapter, I have to make some slight revisions to match up a few things – the characters have taken things in their own hands while I was busy writing angsty stories about Sandbrook)