Doctor Who - American Version - Serial

by RevolutionMan

Doctor Who - Presented as a re-imagining of the show Doctor Who for American audiences. It presumes NO connection to the continuity established by the long running British television series, but absolutely WILL borrow heavily from that awesome/amazing show. Some characters will be re-named. Some "laws" will be broken. A serial adaptation, in script form.

65. Chapter 65 - The Piggy Strikes Back

INT. STABLES - SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Next to Brick's lifeless body, a mobile communications unit (MCU) squawks.

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
Brick, come in. Brick, answer me.

Madam Holu steps over and retrieves the MCU from the ground. It has blood on it, which she wipes on her pant leg before raising it to speak.

MADAM HOLU
This is Holu.

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
Holu? Where's Brick?

Madam Holu looks down at Brick's body.

MADAM HOLU
We ran into some resistance over here. Scavengers. We took care of them, but Brick wanted to sweep the facility one last time, just to be sure.

We hear muffled curses over the MCU.

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
Vultures. This is all I need, right now. I need him back here. Is the Doctor with you?

She looks over to where the Doctor gently pets Piggy while sitting cross-legged on the ground. He waves.

MADAM HOLU
No. He's with Brick.

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
We've recovered the girl and the Doctor's accomplice.

MADAM HOLU
That's... wonderful, pompi.

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
They were at the psych bar. My men apprehended them and are bringing them straight to the docks. I need you back here. The exchange is in thirty minutes. Wait... You know what? Scratch that. You're closer to the coast, anyway. Tell Brick to wrap things up and meet us at the docks. And Holu...

MADAM HOLU
Yes?

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
Now that we have the girl, we don't need the Doctor spoiling things.

MADAM HOLU
But he was trying to help us.

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
Was he? Or was he trying to stall us by sending us on a wild goose chase?

DOCTOR
(whisper)
I'd love to know what that metaphor is in your language.

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
He knew they weren't at the slaughterhouse the whole time. Put him down, then feed him to the pigs.

The Doctor holds up Piggy and looks the cute little creature in the eye.

DOCTOR
(to Piggy)
You wouldn't eat Daddy, would you?

Piggy coos.

Madam Holu rolls her eyes.

GREEVO SHANBOR (V.O.)
Take care of it for me. Then, get to the docks.

MADAM HOLU
Understood. See you soon, pompi.

Holu drops the MCU and steps on it with her heel. It cracks and breaks. She walks over to the Doctor.

MADAM HOLU
Your ship-

DOCTOR
The Tardis.

MADAM HOLU
It's back at my place?

DOCTOR
That's right.

MADAM HOLU
All right. This is good. Greevo's going to take all of his best people with him to make the exchange. There'll hardly be anyone back at the House. This is our chance.

DOCTOR
What about Rat the Mic and Arielle?

MADAM HOLU
What about them?

DOCTOR
They're still in danger. I can't leave until they're safe.

MADAM HOLU
Are you kidding? You heard Greevo, he ordered me to kill you. Your partner's probably already dead. The girl will be safe as long as her father maintains his end of the deal.

DOCTOR
You think anyone on this planet is safer with weapons of mass destruction in the hands of a gangster like Greevo Shanbor?

MADAM HOLU
I don't care.

She points her gun at him.

MADAM HOLU
I'm getting off this planet.

DOCTOR
You really think I'm going to respond to that? You don't know me as well as you think.

She lowers the gun.

The Doctor stands. He tucks Piggy under his arm and heads for the exit.

Holu runs out in front of him and stands in his way.

MADAM HOLU
And what exactly is your plan? What are you going to do? Talk to Greevo? Ask him nicely to let the two of you go? You're talking about a man who is trading the daughter of the Prime Minister of the planet, a girl he ordered kidnapped, for a pair of nuclear bombs.

DOCTOR
You could always shoot him, I suppose. Riddle his body full of holes. You seem pretty good at that.

The Doctor pushes her out of his way and keeps walking.

MADAM HOLU
What? You're mad at me? These men had orders to kill you! I saved your life!

He stops walking and turns back around.

DOCTOR
Well, you took care of that problem, didn't you? Can't kill me now, no sir, no madam, because you went and killed them first. No problems now. Nuh-uh. We haven't got a problem in the world. We just flitter on over to the gangster's hideout in the dark of night and fly ourselves away to some other place and time, forget all about this. Only thing is, that's not how it works.

MADAM HOLU
You self-righteous bastard. No wonder Rose left you.

DOCTOR
Excuse me?

MADAM HOLU
You think you're a bloody hero, but you're not. You're a damned masochist! You want to suffer. That's your problem. Oh, I've seen it a thousand times, Doctor, on a thousand different faces that walked through my bedroom door. People don't come to me because they want to be good. They don't even come to me because they want to be bad. They come to me because they are bad, because they want pain, they want to suffer, and that's you. You don't play the hero because it's the right thing to do. You play the hero because you're chasing your guilt around the cosmos and it's just a little bit faster than your Tardis, isn't it?

DOCTOR
I don't have to listen to a whore.

He turns around and marches away, but again she runs out ahead of him.

MADAM HOLU
And there it is, everybody. With nowhere left to turn, the brilliant Doctor resorts to the last weapon in his arsenal; a petty insult. Out of witty quips, already? It's nothing I haven't heard before, but he thinks it stings worse coming from him. Only it doesn't. You're dreck, Doctor. You're the slimiest of slime.

DOCTOR
Because I value the lives of others more than I value my own?

MADAM HOLU
You don't value lives. If that were true, you'd leave your partner to die and go with me to recover your ship, because your mission for the universe is factors of ten more important than one idiot. No, you value your perception of morality. It isn't enough to save the universe, you've got to do it your way. You pretend to play the hero, but you're really just the wandering missionary trying to buy his way into Heaven by converting the savages to a faith you don't even really believe in. The great Doctor is just a priest who fell in love who thinks if he can wash himself in enough holy water, god won't see the stains. Well, take it from an expert in stained souls, Doctor. It never goes away. You either learn to live with the stains or, one day, you push it too far, and you drown.

The Doctor is stunned.

MADAM HOLU
You want to go save Rat the Mic? I wonder, would he even be in danger if it wasn't for you... killer?

It's Holu's chance to turn away and head for the exit. The Doctor considers her words.

EXT. DOCKS - NIGHT

Where the water's edge meets the horizon, we see a faint honeycomb shaped forcefield dome illuminated by the incandescent light of twin blue moons. It's barely visible, giving the illusion of a clear horizon except from the right angles.

A hovercar waits at the docks as several others drive up. Warren gets out of the first hovercar and walks over to the others as they come to a stop.

INT. HOVERCAR BACKSEAT

Bound in the back seat are Arielle and Rat the Mic, still wearing each other's clothes. They watch as Warren goes to meet with the newcomers. Greevo Shanbor and Troddosom get out of one of the cars to speak with Warren. We can't hear them from inside the car.

Arielle begins to cry. She's quiet about it, but Rat the Mic notices.

ARIELLE
This is really happening.

RAT THE MIC
Yeah.

ARIELLE
What do I do? I don't know what to do.

RAT THE MIC
Do whatever they tell you. Arielle... Arielle.

She looks at him.

RAT THE MIC
You're going to be all right. This isn't over, but you have to do what they say. Don't give them a reason to hurt you and they won't. You're not what they want.

She wants to believe him, but... she notices Greevo Shanbor walking over to the car. She panics.

ARIELLE
He's coming over. Don't let them take me. Don't let them take me!

Greevo opens the door.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Hello, girly.

He grabs Arielle by the hair and drags her out of the car.

RAT THE MIC
Hey! You don't have to-

Rat the Mic leans over to yell at Greevo, but Troddosom opens the other door and smashes Rat the Mic over the head. He then grabs Rat the Mic and drags him out of the hovercar.

EXT. DOCKS - NIGHT

Greevo Shanbor hands off Arielle to two of his enforcers.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Stick her in my car. Kill the crab lawyer.

The enforcers drag Arielle to Greevo's car. Troddosom pulls Rat the Mic in the opposite direction.

ARIELLE
No! Let me go! Let me go!

RAT THE MIC
Arielle, just do what they say. They won't hurt you. They need you!

Troddosom drags Rat the Mic towards some stairs leading down to a pier at the water's surface. He pushes Rat the Mic down the stairs.

EXT. PIER - NIGHT

Rat the Mic hits the ground hard. Troddosom follows him down, picks him up, and walks him at gunpoint to the edge of the pier.

RAT THE MIC
Wait, you don't understand. I'm important.

TRODDOSOM
Sure you are.

RAT THE MIC
I am. The Doctor and I, we're on a mission to save trillions of lives.

TRODDOSOM
Trillions? Very ambitious. Turn around.

Rat the Mic looks down at the water then faces Troddosom.

RAT THE MIC
No, you need to understand. We're time travelers. Something's gone wrong with history and we need to fix it or there will be a terrible war. We have to stop it.

TRODDOSOM
Let me get this straight. You're a time-traveling, diabetic, monk, lawyer, mercenary who saves orphans and prevents galactic wars?

RAT THE MIC
No. I mean, yes, to some of it. The time-traveling lawyer trying to prevent a war part is true. The diabetic, monk, mercenary parts aren't true.

TRODDOSOM
Are you sure? However do you keep up?

RAT THE MIC
I'm a lawyer. Keeping up with lies is basically the second line on my resume.

TRODDOSOM
What's the first?

RAT THE MIC
Huh?

TRODDOSOM
You said keeping up with lies is the second line on your resume. What's the first line?

RAT THE MIC
Oh. Um. My name?

TRODDOSOM
Ah. Well...

Troddosom raises the gun to Rat the Mic's head.

TRODDOSOM
Now, the first line on your resume will be "deceased".

RAT THE MIC
That doesn't even make sense.

TRODDOSOM
It doesn't have to. I'm going to shoot you in the head.

RAT THE MIC
Then, I hope you can breathe under water!

Rat the Mic takes a step back and drops into the water!

Taken by surprise, Troddosom shoots at the water a few times, hoping to hit Rat the Mic. It's dark, though, and he can't see below the surface. He looks around, watches the bubbles, and waits for Rat the Mic to resurface. Of course, he doesn't.

TRODDOSOM
(duh)
Oh, crap. He's a crab.

Troddosom hits himself in the forehead, then looks around sheepishly. He backs up toward the stairs.

EXT. DOCKS - NIGHT

Troddosom walks over to Greevo's car. Greevo is there talking to some of his enforcers when he notices Troddosom's approach.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Could you have made a little more noise?

TRODDOSOM
Sorry.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Is it done?

TRODDOSOM
He's... at the bottom of the harbor by now.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Good.

Something at the horizon captures Greevo's attention. The honeycomb pattern disappears, replaced by lights from three boats; a flagship and two smaller cargo boats. The smaller boats carry equipment, warheads, and soldiers. The flagship is larger, with more soldiers and the Prime Minister himself aboard.

GREEVO SHANBOR
All right, people, here we go. Damn it, where's Brick? See if you can get him on the MCU. He should have been here by now.

Troddosom nods and walks away as he talks into his MCU.

TRODDOSOM
Brick, come in. Report. Where are you?

EXT. UNDER THE PIER - NIGHT

Bubbles appear in the water as Rat the Mic rises from the depths. He hides behind a pier support post and watches Greevo Shanbor, enforcers at his side, walk out to meet the approaching boats.

RAT THE MIC
Come on, Doctor. Where are you?

EXT. PIER - NIGHT

Greevo and his enforcers wait as the lead boat carrying Prime Minister Covunami docks. Heavily armed SOLDIERS from the royal guard disembark first, weapons at their side. Covunami sees Greevo and they lock eyes on each other.

Covunami steps onto the pier and then forward. The two men meet.

COVUNAMI
Why am I not surprised it was you all along?

Greevo puffs on his cigar, then nonchalantly blows a few smoke rings, really soaking in the moment.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Because you respect me.

COVUNAMI
I'm quite sure that's not the reason.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Then you respect my ability to change your life forever.

COVUNAMI
I want to see my daughter.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Merchandise first. My men will take possession of the boats and verify the contents. They will then be taken to a secure location inside a dampening field so the many trackers you've undoubtedly hidden within the warheads are disabled. Once I hear back that the weapons are secured, I will release your daughter to you.

COVUNAMI
None of that happens until I see that Arielle is alive and well.

Greevo takes another puff of his cigar.

EXT. UNDER THE PIER - NIGHT

Rat the Mic wades a little closer. He sees an enforcer pull Arielle out of Greevo's car.

ARIELLE
(from a distance)
Daddy.

COVUNAMI
(from a distance)
I'm here, my darling. Everything's going to be all right.

GREEVO SHANBOR
(from a distance)
Satisfied?

Covunami nods.

COVUNAMI
(to his men)
Stand down.

GREEVO SHANBOR
(to his enforcers)
Take them. I await confirmation.

Greevo's enforcers commandeer the boats carrying the warheads. The soldiers on those boats step onto the dock, helpless.

RAT THE MIC
Damn it, Doctor. It's now or never.

Oink.

Confused by the sound, Rat the Mic looks around, side to side, then up. He sees... a flat, green, pig nose.

Oink.

It's a pig, not a foot away, having sniffed out Rat the Mic. It stares at him from the dock.

RAT THE MIC
...the heck?

Oink.

EXT. PIER - NIGHT

Greevo and Covunami stare each other down when, all of a sudden, a thunder clap! Or is it more of a thunder... oink?

We hear the sound of the ethereal gears turning.

All look towards the night sky where a giant green pig materializes in the clouds. And when I say giant, I mean this is one huge freakin' pig. More than that, it's body is set against the backdrop of an even more enormous spider's web. Could it be? Is it possible? Are the myths true?

GIANT SPIDER PIGGY
Ooooh, oooooh, behold my awesome presence, pitiable creatures!

Covunami, Greevo, Troddosom all look up in total disbelief.

GREEVO SHANBOR
What the hell is this?

COVUNAMI
It looks like some sort of... spider pig.

Greevo wipes his eyes.

EXT. UNDER THE PIER - NIGHT

From the water, Rat the Mic looks embarrassed.

RAT THE MIC
You've got to be kidding me.

EXT. PIER - NIGHT

Giant Spider Piggy turns its sights on Greevo and Covunami.

GIANT SPIDER PIGGY
I am the spirit of one of the original pigs, the one you have cloned so many times to feed your people... and I'm super pissed off about it. Oooooh!

COVUNAMI
(to Greevo)
Is this nonsense your doing? Are you trying to distract us so you can pull something?

GREEVO SHANBOR
I have no idea what's...

Greevo thinks. A realization strikes him. His shoulder sink.

GREEVO SHANBOR
The Doctor.

INT. TARDIS

The Doctor manipulates the giant image of Piggy, which is being projected through the Tardis camouflage system via a projector chamber mounted on the main control unit. Piggy sits comfortably in the chamber. The Doctor also serves as the voice of the projection via microphone.

Off to the side, Madam Holu is appalled. The Doctor notices the expression on her face and mutes the microphone.

DOCTOR
What? I thought you'd like the webbing in the background. You inspired me.

MADAM HOLU
You are a ridiculous man.

DOCTOR
Thank you, very much.

He genuinely means it. He smiles.

He turns the microphone back on and manipulates his voice so it sounds "spooky".

DOCTOR
I have a list of demands. First off, you're all kosher from now on. Ooooh.

EXT. PIER - NIGHT

Greevo Shanbor and Covunami stare up at the giant pig.

GIANT SPIDER PIGGY
Secondly, you will cease and desist this petty squabbling of yours and put your energies to more productive use... like worshipping the pig god.

COVUNAMI
Pig god?

GREEVO SHANBOR
Doctor, I know it's you. I don't know how you're doing this, or what you expect to accomplish, but-

GIANT SPIDER PIGGY
I am not this "Doctor" you speak of, although I've heard he's a very handsome man. You will follow my demands or I will smite you all! Rawr!

With everyone distracted, Rat the Mic sneaks around to the rear of Greevo's car. He makes sure to duck down, out of view of Troddosom. Slowly, quietly, he opens the rear door.

INT. GREEVO'S CAR - NIGHT

Rat the Mic looks inside and... is kicked in the nose!

RAT THE MIC
Ugh. Damn it, that hurt.

ARIELLE
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were one of Greevo's men.

RAT THE MIC
Will you just come on?

She sneaks out of the car to go with Rat the Mic.

EXT. PIER - NIGHT

Arielle sneaks out of the car and looks up.

ARIELLE
Why is there a giant pig in the sky?

Rat the Mic grabs her hand and pulls her along.

RAT THE MIC
Ignore the pig and just come on.

Meanwhile, Greevo throws a tantrum.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Doctor, enough! Whatever you're trying to do, it won't work.

GIANT SPIDER PIGGY
I already told you, I am not this Doctor you speak of. But since you clearly don't believe me, I am forced to give you a demonstration of my pig powers.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Heh, it's going to take more than some silly holographic projection, I hope you know.

GIANT SPIDER PIGGY
Beware the wrath of spider piggy!

The giant pig oinks, and oinks, and oinks some more. Covunami and Greevo Shanbor hold their ears, it's so loud.

COVUNAMI
Greevo, I've held up my end of the bargain. Now, I want my daughter back! Whatever secondary issues you're having with this Doctor person, deal with them on your own time.

Greevo turns, looks back at his car, where he sees Troddosom in a totally frantic state. It takes only a second for Greevo to realize that Arielle has escaped.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Wait here.

Greevo runs over to the car and confronts Troddosom.

GREEVO SHANBOR
Where is she, you idiot?

TRODDOSOM
She was right here. I don't know what could have happened. I got distracted by the spider pig.

GREEVO SHANBOR
You fool, you've killed us all! You hear me? You've...

Greevo listens. Growing louder, above the sound of the giant pig oinking, is a rumble. Louder and louder still. It almost sounds like...

Greevo looks around. In the distance, he sees something, coming towards the dock. No, that's not entirely accurate. It's not something... it's a lot of somethings. It's a-

GREEVO SHANBOR
Stampede!

Greevo turns and runs towards the water as thousands of green pigs run towards them. They trample enforcers in their way. They shake and smash the cars.

Covunami sees them and runs back to his boat. Soldiers jump in the water to get out of the way. High in the sky, the giant pig laughs!

GIANT SPIDER PIGGY
Muahahahahaha! Behold my awesome pig powers!

Greevo Shanbor ducks down behind one of the cars for cover, but the stampede pushes the car towards the water. With nowhere to turn, Greevo is pushed into the water and has to quickly swim away before the car lands on top of him. He's not yet out of the woods, though, as pig after pig runs out of room on the dock and are also forced into the water. Three, four, five of them land on top of Greevo and force him down... down... down.

Meanwhile, Rat the Mic brings Arielle around the stampede to a remote pier.

RAT THE MIC
Grab on.

She climbs up on his back and he jumps into the water. He swims her to Covunami's flagship.

On the flagship, soldiers lift Arielle and Rat the Mic up out of the water. Daughter is reunited with her father. They hug.

ARIELLE
Daddy!

COVUNAMI
Oh, Arielle! You're all right!

ARIELLE
This man, crab, whatever - he saved me, Daddy.

Covunami hugs her, then pulls her back to look at her. He notices the clothes she's wearing, then notices the clothes Rat the Mic is wearing.

COVUNAMI
(to Rat the Mic)
Are you wearing my daughter's clothes?

RAT THE MIC
Uh, kinda. Long story. Right now, you need to recover those warheads.

Covunami laughs.

COVUNAMI
No, right now, we have to get out of here.

Covunami leads his daughter down into the ship. Confused by the Prime Minister's lack of worry regarding the warheads, Rat the Mic looks up at the giant flying pig in the sky. The pig winks and smiles before dissolving into the form of a police box that follows the flagship out to sea.

-To be Continued...-