Chapter 32.
I blessed the Gods for Mameha. Her common sense and practical advice guided my frenzied mind to a place that could almost pass for a calm state. After forcing another biscuit on me, albeit slowly, Mameha watched me carefully, searching my face for any signs of discomfort as I slowly chewed.
Mameha sighed and lamented again that she had only warm water to offer me instead of tea.
It hardly mattered to me. Everything tasted like dust in my dry mouth.
The memory of pouring Nobu-san tea as young apprentice suddenly appeared in my mind.
How light and pretty I felt then! I could still feel the silk of Mameha's brilliant orange and blue kimono against my skin. Although my mind had been full of the Chairman, it was still a treasured memory.
Afterall, that moment was my hidden stepping stone to entering Nobu-san's life.
Even if I did not know it then.
Destiny is strange, I thought to myself. Perhaps cruel as well.
How little I understood then!
Still, I treasured the memory of that moment. When I was a young and impatient apprentice geisha. Pouring tea in public, hoping naively to impress and enrapture men- like some Goddess entity cast down to earth.
Foolishly, I thought I had some great beauty that could bring men to their knees. Since then, I learned a great deal about myself and blushed to think how forward I was.
How could I even think I was somehow different and special?
I blamed the audacity of youth, Mameha's kindness, and the fact that I had started my training so late.
Even in Yoroido, my grey eyes had gathered endless comments. Instead of becoming schooled in the usual geisha training in ultimate humility and people-pleasing methods- ingrained as young as four-years of age, I had shamelessly allowed myself to lean back on my singular feature that was merely unusual, and not necessarily attractive.
As Mameha often remarked, my grey-blue eyes were unusual. They certainly stood out. But my eyes did not come close to competing with Mameha's perfect facial symmetry that could have come out of Hein painting. Neither was I on parr with Hatsumomo's biting blood-red lips and effortless willowy figure.
Still, the memories of youth are kind in a way.
Like a priceless diamond in my mind, I could hold the memory of that moment in my mind, turning it over and over to examine it and re-live it. I could see my slender wrists turning the sleeves of my brilliant-colored kimono. Straining my arm muscles holding the teapot in a seemingly delicate pose, while revealing my white arm to the eyes of two men.
Two very different men.
I knew now that the Chairman desired me physically. It took me years and many experiences in humility to understand that the Chairman had also desired Hatsumomo physically. I was hardly the exception that I dreamed I was.
With Mameha as my older sister, I was eventually schooled to humbleness, albeit outwardly-learning that any man is attracted to the desires of untried youthfulness. As the years passed, Nobu-san's interest in me never waned and my mind blossomed suddenly like a peony.
I still did not quite understand Nobu-san's interest in me. I doubted that I ever could fully understand Nobu-san.
I was shy to gauge the depth of any affection he held for me. Unlike the Chairman, Nobu-san was not a married man.
Not that marriage posed an impediment to being in the company of geisha—still it was unusual for a man like Nobu-san to frequent the willow and flower world. However, Mameha had always warned me that Nobu-san had no patience for frivolity.
I hardly expected a second engagement with Nobu-san, let alone for Nobu-san to become my Danna.
Yet, I remembered keenly Nobu-san watching with intense concentration my performance in the Spring Festival Dances. From the moment we met, Nobu-san paid heavily for my company at various public events and even for private evenings.
Renowned for disliking geisha, somehow, I had captured and held this strange man's attention and attraction for years. It still caused me a sense of uneasy awe.
I had long accepted Nobu-san's rough manner of speech. His physical disfigurements somehow had long ceased to exist to me. Unbeknownst to me, I had accepted Nobu-san as just Nobu-san. I could not pin-point when this happened, but it happened.
I belonged to Nobu-san completely. Geisha are not wives. However, my relationship with Nobu-san as my Danna was different from any Danna-geisha relationship I had observed among my peers in Gion. This was something I could never tell anyone, even to Mameha. It was not just shyness and appearing foolish that made me keep these thoughts to myself.
It went against the very nature of being a geisha.
Again, geisha are not wives. We are ornamental figures, trained to create a world of make-believe, somewhere where men could escape to. We created a safe place where men paid handsomely to pretend that they were more attractive, funnier, and intelligent than they actually were in real-life.
But it was never permanent. Every engagement has its closing. Every night ends.
Yet, with Nobu-san, it was different.
There was a sense of permanency between us. Nobu-san knew that I was a geisha. He always knew this, but I could tell after my mizuage that it irritated him like another burn to even think of me entertaining other men. But I was born to become an ornament to the willow and flower world, while fate had destined Nobu-san to be the President of a prominent electric company.
It chilled me to my bones thinking of losing Nobu-san's affection.
Carrying another man's child would sever me from Nobu-san forever. It would not matter that I did it for Nobu-san's sake. In fact, it would forever cement our broken connection. Nobu-san was a proud man. I have no doubt he would rather have me dead then in this current predicament. His pride could not stand the blow that I had done this all for his sake.
"Your color has returned, some" Mameha remarked. "I believe we can make it to the doctor in time."
"Thank you, One-san" I murmured, humbled by old memories and the present circumstances. Mameha must have mistook my response for hesitation.
"Sayuri, you are hardly the last or the first geisha in this predicament" Mameha admonished me gently, but firmly.
"Yes." I was embarrassed like a school child. I had to be told twice.
"It can be unpleasant" Mameha explained cautiously, "But really, I can assure you, this is for the best."
"Yes."
"In a day or two, you will be back to your old self" Mameha continued to reassure me. I could only nod.
"You know my history with the Baron" Mameha managed delicately. "You were young then, but hardly an idiot. You saw that I managed."
"One-san, you're too kind" I said, determined to give Mameha her due. This was hardly a pleasant admission to make. Although Mameha protested, she never loved the Baron, I know the procedures that she alluded to still pained her.
However, Mameha had always taken her responsibility as my elder sister seriously.
I understood the heart sacrifices that Mameha was making on my behalf. I also understood that like Auntie, Mameha was reaching out to help me, as only a woman could. No man could understand this kind of sentiment.
"The doctor" I ventured delicately, "He is experienced?" Mameha nodded silently.
"Payment?" I was hesitant, thinking of all the expenses that the okiya was currently enduring. My mind turned to my jewelry box. Nobu-san's gifts to me.
"I took vows when I became your elder sister," Mameha said. "Do not think of payment now."
"I will repay you" I vowed to Mameha. She gave a sort of laugh. It was not unkind.
"I have no doubt, Sayuri."
"If only Nobu-san…" I began but Mameha cut me off, mercifully.
"There is no time for that kind of thinking now."
"Now "I repeatedly dumbly.
"I have an old kimono coat. Wear it when we leave." Mameha began to rearrange boxes and various objects in her closet. "Goodness knows you cannot be seen in your state. Especially where we are going."
I nodded my assent.
"Here we are!" Mameha handed me a dark silk kimono over-coat. It was long enough that I could pull it over my head. Mameha nodded her approval.
"Plenty of women are seen coming and going from his place of business" Mameha said briskly, "I would not overly worry about being seen." She frowned suddenly. "However, your eyes do stand out." Mameha leaned down and pulled the front of my hair lower, trying to create a sort of downward drape from my forehead.
"I will try not to look up" I promised her. Mameha examined me like I was a fish in the black market, uncertain if I was spoiled already. I did not look promising.
"I think we can depend on the doctor's discretion" Mameha bit her lip. "It's important that other women do not see you. Your unusual eyes are renowned in Gion." Mameha tugged the dark silk coat lower over my head.
"It's the best we can do," she sighed. "With a war going on, you would think that minds would turn elsewhere for occupation, but women will be women."
"I will keep my eyes lowered" I promised Mameha again. She gave a sort of half-sigh and motioned for me to rise.
"At any rate, do not faint on the way there!" she warned me. "People will certainly notice me dragging a fainting woman on the streets of Gion. Bite your tongue and make it bleed if you must! Anything to keep you from fainting again."
Wearily, I resigned myself to all sorts of self-inflicted pain.
Fate had decided that I would make it to the doctor's office without fainting in public.
As promised, I had kept my eyes downward, allowing Mameha to guide me.
It had been a long time since I had studied the pebbled streets of Gion. It seemed like a hundred years had passed since I had been a maid, running errands for the okiya on these same streets. Scurrying frantically along the pebbled pathways of Gion, always keeping my head lowered to the ground, like a maid should.
I now wondered how I had managed to not permanently maim or injure myself in the process.
However, we learned the true difficulty was being in the waiting room. Surrounded by women, I had to keep my eyes lowered to the floor, surreptitiously ignoring any proffered greetings.
Mameha was equally distant and unapproachable. Without lifting my eyes, I knew my elder sister was keeping the other women from approaching us. I imagined Mameha using the same proud demeanor that had caused her to have so many admirers and enemies as a top geisha.
Some skills never leave us, I suppose.
Mameha had whispered a common-sounding surname to a bored looking woman. Mameha whispered so low I could not even hear my supposed identity. Still, Mameha had gotten me this far. I would place my entire life into the hands of my elder sister.
Mameha had never led me wrong before.
I found a spot on the worn floor to focus on while we were waiting to be called into the doctor's examination room. Mameha kept a light hold onto my arm. Undoubtedly concerned that I would faint or vomit while waiting.
"Tatsu-buro!"
Mameha tightened her grip on my arm and I rose uncertainly to my feet.
A tired looking man, with wispy hair stood in the doorway of what I assumed was the examining room. Bile rose in my throat as I realized the coat he was wearing wasn't clean. I quickly lowered my eyes to the ground.
Allowing Mameha to guide me once again, we walked slowly into the examination room.
"Disrobe" the doctor ordered with little ceremony. He held a wooden clip board in his hands and was flipping through the papers disinterestedly.
I began to disrobe. Several years ago, I might have hesitated, but this doctor was no Doctor Crab. Also, Mameha's presence calmed me, making this process seem almost normal. I did not even bother to pretend that the doctor was my kimono dresser.
It had come to this at last.
"Your last menstrual cycle?" he asked, still examining his clipboard.
"It's been months" Mameha explained on my behalf.
The doctor did not even seem to notice my nakedness as I stood before him without any clothes. He took out a stethoscope and using his fingers, tapped hard on my lower belly.
Placing the cold metal to my stomach, he listened intently. After nodding his head, he wiped his instrument with his dirty coat and placed it in his pocket, and then without warning, he grabbed my breasts and looked closely at the nipples. A few seconds passed before he was satisfied and resumed his previous interest in his clipboard.
"The heartbeat is apparent" the doctor said. He took a pencil and jotted down some notes, all unseen by either Mameha or myself. "You made the right choice to come in now. Any later, it would have been…" The doctor did not finish his thought but continued to jot down notes on his clip board.
Without looking up, the doctor addressed Mameha, "Her first?"
"Yes."
"You can get up on that table there" the doctor said, still jotting down notes but pointing towards a flat table draped with a dark cloth.
Mameha led me to the table. I felt like a child in a dream, only Mameha's presence kept me tethered to this world. Everything else seemed so unreal.
"With the war, western medicine is scarce, but I do have some chloroform, otherwise she will have to rely on herbs" the doctor told Mameha. A flicker of understanding danced across her face.
"The cost is not an issue" Mameha said, with her lips pressed together.
"I see" the doctor said, at last looking up from notes. "She can be draped in the paper-sheeting I have there in the lower cabinet." Mameha wordlessly went to the cabinet and gently lifted a flimsy paper sheet. Taking great, she draped it over my body, leaving my knees bared.
At last, the doctor put down his clip board and lifted two wooden blocks with indents and carried them to the table.
"Spread your legs wider" he instructed.
I must have glanced hesitantly at Mameha because she gave a small smile. I did as the doctor requested and I felt him arranging my feet into the wooden indents.
"There should be little to no complications, it being her first" he told Mameha as he pushed the blocks further apart and pushed the paper sheet upwards.
"After I administer the chloroform, I will need you to hold the light" the doctor told Mameha. She nodded.
"It shouldn't take very long, half-hour at most" he said. Again, Mameha nodded.
The doctor reached into his dirty coat pocket and brought out a small vial. It reminded me of a perfume bottle. He was about to reach into his coat again when Mameha withdrew a crisp white handkerchief from her kimono sleeve.
"If you will, please doctor" Mameha said, respectfully bowing as she held out the clean handkerchief to the doctor.
Shrugging, the doctor took Mameha's handkerchief and opened the bottle. A strong and strange chemical scent filled the small room. Vaguely, I felt my stomach restrict with nausea.
The doctor dipped the bottle upside down onto the handkerchief and rolled the handkerchief into a ball. Mameha came to my side and patted my arm. "You won't remember a thing, Sayuri" Mameha soothed. "Pretend its like a dream and now you're going to sleep." My eyes must have been wide and afraid.
"Promise you won't leave me, One-san" I whispered.
"I won't. I will be right here" Mameha promised. "Now just do as the doctor says."
The doctor approached, holding out the balled-up handkerchief to my face. "Breath deeply" he ordered me.
Suddenly he laughed as I coughed when the fabric smothered my mouth. "You're a lucky girl," I heard him say as my eyes fluttered. "Chloroform is very dear these days. Your older sister knows her business, you should be grateful."
I felt my eyelids attempt to open as I breathed into the handkerchief. The doctor had strong hands. There was no escaping the cloying sweet chemical smell that was the chloroform.
The last thing I remembered was that Mameha was holding onto my arm as I drifted into blackness.
When I opened my eyes again, I noticed that I was already dressed. Mameha must have dressed me.
"How do you feel?" Mameha asked. I was still lying on the table. The wooden blocks were gone.
The scent of chloroform still lingered in my nose and throat. I coughed.
"A little dizzy, but fine, I think." I looked around the room, making an effort to make my eyes focus. Everything still had a dream like quality. The doctor was again scribbling notes on his clipboard. When he noticed I was awake, he glanced towards us.
He cleared his throat and tapped his clipboard with his fingers.
"Everything went as expected. The bleeding should last only a day or two."
"Thank you" I managed.
"I would like to check something before you leave" he said, flicking his eyes towards Mameha. The two of them had a silent communication. I was uneasy and my lower stomach was cramping painfully.
"He's not going to check you there," Mameha assured me. My body let go of some of the tension I was holding.
"Have her sit up" the doctor ordered Mameha as he took his stethoscope from his dirty coat pocket. Puzzled, but obedient, I let Mameha grab my shoulders gently as I gingerly rose into a sitting position. The cramping in my stomach suddenly worsened with the movement but I held onto Mameha.
I felt the doctor's hands on my back, through the thin fabric of my kimono. I was dressed but I still felt the pressure of his stethoscope pressing into my back. "Breathe deeply" he ordered. I obeyed and then coughed.
The doctor moved his instrument around several places on my back and had me breath. He appeared to be listening to my cough. After several minutes, the doctor finally came to stand in front of us.
"Normally, I would assume a patient has asthma in cases like this" the doctor said. He had put his stethoscope away. "Is she normally this pale?" he asked Mameha.
"We are all suffering a food shortage" Mameha said. The doctor shook his head impatiently.
"That doesn't explain the blood" he told Mameha.
I was confused. Blood? Of course, there had been blood. What was the doctor talking about?
"Open your mouth" the doctor told me. Warily, I opened my mouth. The doctor took a quick glance and then stepped away.
"She did not bite her tongue during the procedure."
Mameha began to pat my arm.
"Mameha-san, what is going on?" I asked softly.
"You coughed up blood during the procedure" the doctor told me while Mameha averted her eyes.
"I coughed up blood?" I asked stupidly. The doctor nodded grimly.
"Your older sister had to keep wiping the blood away so you wouldn't choke during the procedure. But I suppose that is the least of your worries now."
"Mameha?" I asked, but Mameha refused to look at me. I could see moisture gathering in her eyes.
"There's no kind way to say this, but it appears you have consumption" the doctor said grimly. "I've seen many cases, but I hardly consider myself to be an expert on the disease."
He looked pointedly around the small room. "You see what kind of medicine I practice, here. However, there have been cases of girls coming here, wanting to get rid of a problem and then discovering another problem of an entirely different nature."
"I see" I said in small voice. "What do I do?" The doctor appraised me carefully.
"You are young but extremely malnourished. If we weren't at war, I would be able to give you a referral to other doctors, the kind that specialize in treating this condition. But everyone has closed down their practices. I manage to get by, just barely."
"Can you give me some kind of medicine?" I thought of Auntie's anguished coughing.
"For a price, I can provide some watered-down opium, or morphine, if I can get it." The doctor paused and then shook his head. "Avoid the herbalists. They won't do you any good, just empty your pocket. I can't promise you anything, but I may be able to provide opium or morphine. It can help with the cough, sometimes."
"Thank you, doctor." I tried to smile at Mameha. A tear had escaped and trickled down her beautiful oval face.
"One-san, will you help me home?" Mameha sniffled and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
"Of course, Sayuri-san."