A/N: Thanks to everyone for your support! The opening paragraph is dedicated to anyone who's ever been hospitalized – you might be able to share Hardy's pain. Alec has some serious conversations...
CHAPTER 40
Hardy was exhausted. However, it had nothing to do with his diseased heart, but everything with the sleep deprivation torture the hospital practiced. It started at 1:23 A.M. – he had kept track – when an overly enthusiastic house officer felt the urge to poke his head in during his night rounds. Then he'd been woken up at 3:04 A.M. because the nurse needed to check his blood pressure and temperature. At 4:49 A.M. a different nurse came to take blood from him. Not even an hour later, at 5:37 A.M., the cleaning lady almost sent him into cardiac arrest when she knocked over a trash can, startling him from his slumber. The surgeons rounded at 5:53 A.M., prodding the healing wound on his neck. The ICU doctors were their usual unorganized selves – first the medical student traipsed in at 6:12 A.M., the junior house officer followed at 6:26 A.M., and then the whole team made an appearance at 7:01 A.M. By the time breakfast arrived at 8:49 A.M., Hardy was ready to murder the well-meaning nurse who woke him yet again. He spewed and yelled at her until the head nurse came and tried to put him in his place.
That had been the final straw. Hardy and his feeble heart lost it. It ended up with the code team knocking over his breakfast tray and spilling the abomination they called decaf tea all over his groin, Hardy swatting at the eager junior house officer who wanted to try out the defibrillator despite there being no need for it, and an angry Emily Abbott. She had walked into the chaos and was aghast at what was playing out in front of her. Hardy and the junior house officer both froze when they heard her stern "Stop it" and everyone stilled. There was a silent communication between the head nurse and Emily, and then everyone left as quickly as they had descended upon an exhausted Hardy.
"Alec, what is wrong with you?" she asked frustrated while she fixed his ECG leads.
Hardy eyed her from below, stubbornly refusing to answer.
"Seriously, why do you have to be like that? Nobody wants to harm you," she continued. She looked at him, her eyebrows raised.
"Could have fooled me," he mumbled and tried to sit up. "I want to leave," he demanded. He made it to the edge of the bed, his long bare legs dangling down. His back and neck ached, but it was the pain in his side caused by the broken ribs that made him fold in on himself. He choked on a cough and a hot angry jolt ran through his body. He didn't lie down though, holding on to the mattress with an iron grip.
Emily tilted her head. "If you can make it to the en-suite by yourself, I'll think about it." She stepped back from the bed, inviting him to demonstrate his abilities.
He managed to stand up. It was grueling and it lasted for forty-five glorious seconds before vertigo, the throbbing ache that shuddered through him, and gravity won. He might have fallen if Emily hadn't gently supported him. He lowered his beaten body back onto the bed. His head hung low in defeat.
"It's all right. That was a good attempt. Maybe today isn't the day. But we'll try again tomorrow, okay?" Emily encouraged him. Her soft words barely broke through the haze of pain, fatigue and anger at his weakness.
"Do you want to eat something? I can get them to bring more breakfast," she suggested with sympathy.
He passed a hand over his face. The prospect of hospital food certainly wasn't enticing. Regardless, reason won and he nodded submissively. Emily turned and nearly caused another spillage of hot beverages. Duncan had sneaked up on her, carrying a couple of paper cups and a food container.
"Thought he might try to make a run for it. I brought a bribe," Duncan announced and showed off what he had gotten Hardy for breakfast. Hardy's eyes grew wide. It was real food. Their gazes met and Duncan's face lit up with a pleased grin. He put everything down and stuck out his hand to Emily.
"You must be Dr. Abbott. Duncan McCormick. We spoke on the phone a few weeks ago." He gave her his most radiant smile. Hardy squinted at Emily, confirming that she was indeed blushing. Hardy sighed. He had no idea, how his friend managed to evoke the same reaction in every woman he met. 'You had me at hello' took on a completely different meaning when one spent his awkward teenage years next to the most charming person in the whole of Glasgow.
"Oh, it's so nice to meet you. I'm glad you could make it. Alec could use some company." Emily had turned to shoot him a daggered glare. He rolled his eyes and resigned himself to staring at the ceiling tiles again.
"You mean he needs a babysitter," Duncan stated dryly. Hardy snorted. And Emily giggled.
Splendid. Duncan had made yet another friend.
"Ach, for God's sake. Would you stop it? I'm not a child who needs someone to watch him," he grouched.
"That's in the eye of the beholder," Duncan commented sardonically.
They stared at each other, until Hardy looked away. He was too tired to battle it out with the one person who was even more stubborn than him.
Emily was observing them with amusement. A smile played around her lips. "You look better today, Alec. So does your ECG."
Hardy searched her face. She was genuinely pleased. When she noted his scrutinizing eyes, she nodded, and explained, "I switched around a few medications and it seems that this combination works better. The telemetry shows less episodes and an overall more stable rhythm. It's very encouraging."
"Might need that plan B after all," Duncan mumbled.
"What?" Hardy had no idea what his friend was talking about.
"Oh, nothing. Don't listen to me. Wanna eat?"
Hardy was sure Duncan was evading an explanation, but he didn't really care. His stomach growled and that scone that Duncan had brought made his mouth water. Duncan had placed the food container on his bedside table and Hardy reached for the delicious treat. Duncan slapped his fingers.
"Oh, no. Healthy food first," his friend admonished him, pushing over the yoghurt with fresh fruit.
"I'm not eating that," Hardy protested.
"It's that or the hospital food. Your choice." Duncan sat back in his chair, crossing his legs and arms. Then he smiled at Emily whose cheeks turned rosy again. "Maybe I should give the scone to your wonderful doctor here. I'm sure she could use a treat after all the stupid shit you put her through."
"What? No. But it's for me," Hardy blurted out. He turned crimson as soon as he realized how much he'd sounded like a little child.
Emily's clear laughter rang through the room. She stepped up to him, and resting her hand on him, she whispered in his ear, "I'd never steal your scone, Alec. Be a good boy and eat your growing food. Then you can have it." She smiled from one ear to the other, squeezed his shoulder, and then left the room.
Duncan's gaze followed her. "She's lovely. Where did you find her?"
"She found me," Hardy said softly. He picked up the plastic spoon and probed the yoghurt. It jiggled and Hardy shuddered.
"You know, it's not poison. It's a dairy product."
Hardy suddenly remembered the last time he'd had yoghurt. It had been with Daisy. His appetite was gone and he forcefully stabbed the spoon into the white wobbly mass.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Duncan prompted him, astutely picking up on Hardy's change of mood.
"No."
"Alec, I'm not going to leave here until you open your mouth and tell me what is going on behind your thick skull," Duncan growled.
"There is nothing to talk about." He shoved the table aside and crossed his arms over his chest.
"That's not how this is going to work." Duncan had pulled up a chair and was right next to him. "I'm going to start asking questions, if you don't volunteer."
"Duncan, please," Hardy begged. He barely was holding it together and he was getting tired of being an inconsolable mess all the time.
"Why did you say you don't want to live any more?"
"I didn't say that," Hardy denied. Had he? He couldn't remember. What he did recall though was the despair when he had woken up to his new reality. And the wish that they would have let him go. No more pain.
"Alec, please. You know we have no secrets. I've been there and you – you pulled me away from that horrible place. Talk to me," Duncan pleaded with him. Hardy closed his eyes. Memories of a cold night over a decade ago flickered through his mind. A scared to death Geena, a crying newborn baby boy, a frantic search that ended on a bridge, and a sobbing Duncan who had been ready to end his life. Until Hardy had made him talk.
Keeping his eyes closed to extinguish the burning of his unshed tears, he began hesitantly, "I didn't say I don't want to live any more. But I wished they'd just let me go. My heart gave out, that should have told them something." He paused. "I have nowhere to go, Duncan. My home and my family were destroyed because of careless actions. She –" he broke off.
Duncan rested his strong hand on his arm. "Your family is not destroyed. Your marriage might be, but you still have Daisy. She's your home, always has been. From the moment you laid eyes on her."
"I can't take her with me. Not like this. I won't be able to care for her. What if I don't wake up one day and she's the one to find me? I can't do that to her. No, she has to stay with her mother," Hardy argued more with himself than with Duncan.
His friend frowned. "You really shouldn't think like that. Daisy will stay a part of your life as long as you don't push her away. I've seen you do that before when you're scared. I get it, this is an impossible situation, but you can't exclude her. I know you're doing what you think is best for her, but you can't forget about yourself. She wouldn't want that. What she would want is to take care of you."
"She's thirteen, Duncan," Hardy snarled, "She's not supposed to take care of me. I'm supposed to do that. I'm her father, for crying out loud. This... " - he gesticulated wildly at the monitor and IV pumps filled with medications that were barely keeping him alive – "... is not supposed to happen. I should be the strong one, I should be there for her and not crippled by some obscure disease that no one has ever heard of. I can't even go to the loo by myself. You know how embarrassing this is? I hate it. I hate being weak, I hate being dependent on people and drugs. I hate myself and I hate my bloody stupid heart for doing this to me. I just want it to be over." He spat the last word with so much loathing that it hurt.
Duncan didn't shy away from the furious onslaught. His hand tightened gently on Hardy's arm. "I would lie if I said I know how it feels. I can't, I'm not in your spot. But, Alec, you have to stop being so angry at yourself. It'll kill you. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. We love you no matter how weak or ill you are. Daisy loves you no matter how –"
"But she doesn't love me any more," Hardy repeated his wife's words.
Duncan fell silent. His hand gripped Hardy's arm firmly and Hardy could see the emotions warring on his face. His voice was flat in his effort to stay calm. "I'm so sorry. I –"
And for the first time in his life, Hardy observed his friend being at a loss for words. It was more telling than anything he could have said.
"It was all a lie. I should have listened to you years ago," Hardy whispered in anguish.
Duncan's head snapped up. His green eyes bore into Hardy. "No, Alec. It wasn't a lie. The two of you were in love, everyone could see that. She loved you, Alec. She really did. I remember how she used to look at you." He paused and Hardy realized he was fighting with himself over what to say next. "And then she stopped looking at you like that. Geena was the first to pick up on it. I didn't want to believe it, but then Tess came on to me and I was shocked. I told you, but you forgave her. I didn't think I should press the issue because you guys seemed all right. Daisy was growing into this beautiful girl and I thought maybe things would be fine. I saw you draw away from her because what had kept you close was fading away. You both lost each other and it breaks my heart."
Hardy listened to his friend, silent tears running down his cheeks. His words rang true and they cut deep. There was a tightness in his chest, choking him up, taking away the very air to breathe. No alarm rang because the pain in his heart had nothing to do with a condition that he could barely remember what it was called. The wound was gaping open widely and his life was pouring out of it. He was cold, deprived of a warmth he'd deluded himself into thinking he'd still been privileged to. He had been so wrong.
"How could I have not seen it, Duncan? I'm a bloody detective," he cried.
"Oh, Alec. I don't have the answer to that. But maybe if you're in love, it's engulfs you and you can't see anything else. You want it to be true and it's so hard to admit that it isn't. It's not what you wanted, and it's probably not what Tess wanted either. Doesn't make what she did better. She hurt you so much, in so many ways, and it's hard for me not to be furious with her. You're more than my friend, and seeing you so broken up over this is painful. I wish I could fix it, but I know I can't." Duncan smiled sadly at him and took his hand.
"But what I can do though is to promise you that I will be there for you, whatever the future holds. You're not alone. I love you and so does Geena. And from what I can tell, you have some people here who care deeply about you as well. I'm not asking anything of you but one thing. Don't push us away. Please?" Duncan's green eyes were imploring him. Hardy was stunned and unable to find the right words to express what he felt for his friend.
He nodded. And that was good enough for Duncan who knew him all too well.
"Now, eat your scone, you stubborn git," Duncan grumbled, wiping surreptitiously at his eyes. He pushed the bedside table back toward Hardy and shoved the container with the treat closer to him.
"Whatever happened to eating healthy foods first?" Hardy nagged as he reached for the pastry.
"I think you deserve a little leniency."
"Hm. I think I do," Hardy agreed, smiling, and bit into the crumbling scone.
When Duncan left a few hours later and took away the warmth he'd brought with him, Hardy couldn't have felt lonelier.
"He tried to leave," Emily greeted Baxter as soon as she saw him in the hallway.
"Ah, so do I win the bet then?"
"No way! He's still here. It only counts when he walks out of this hospital," Emily countered.
Baxter eyed her. "You know, it dawned on me that this isn't entirely fair. After all, you have the power to keep him here."
"Ha, good one. As if I could hold him back, once he can take a few steps." Emily's playful expression changed. "I wish you'd won, Ed. He was so defeated when he wasn't even able stand up for a minute."
"Is his friend still there?" Baxter wanted to know. His hopes were high for Duncan to get Hardy to talk.
"I think he might have left a little while ago." Emily shoved her hands into the pockets of her white coat and Baxter wondered what was on her mind.
"Emily? What's going on?" he prompted her.
"I wish he'd talk more about how it's affecting him," she said.
"The affair?" Baxter frowned.
"No, the fact that he has a life-threatening disease that will make him dependent on medication and technology for the rest of his life. He strikes me as someone who would struggle with that," she explained hesitantly.
Baxter nodded and scratched his chin. "Do you think he is still thinking about...?" He let the question hover unfinished. It hung between them, until she shook her head.
"I'm not sure," Emily shared her concern with a quiver in her voice.
Baxter inhaled deeply. He too had been worried about how Hardy who was such an independent and self-directed person would deal with this physical weakness and the dependence it created. Probably not well. And he was shutting everyone out.
"Ed, have you guys ever discussed what would happen with the case if he survives until he can get the pacemaker?" Emily's quiet words interrupted Baxter's thoughts.
His eyes snapped up to stare her down. "No. Because you told me, he's dying," he said sharply.
She ran her fingers through her hair, looking uncomfortable in her own skin. "I might have been a bit off with my prognosis," she mumbled.
"Excuse me?" Baxter nearly choked on the words.
"The new cocktail of medications seemed to have stabilized him more than I would have expected. He barely had any episodes in the last twenty-four hours and his rhythm is steady. I'd say he's in the best shape he's been in for weeks now."
Baxter's eyes grew wider. Fuck. It should have been good news, but in this situation it was a disaster. He fisted his hand into the smooth cloth of his trousers. Only Alec bloody Hardy could make him think something so absurd, that he was actually disturbed by the fact that Hardy might make it.
"Emily, what the hell? We don't have a plan B!" he exclaimed and started pacing up and down the hallway. "For fuck's sake, I should have never agreed to this insanity. Should have known that the bloody wanker would not die out of pure stubbornness."
Emily scrunched up her face in a pout. "Oh, I'm sorry for making him better," she said with the utmost sarcasm. She sounded hurt.
"See, what this moron does to me? I can't even be happy that he seems to have a chance. Listen to me. I'm complaining that he might not die." Baxter groaned in frustration and kicked the wall. Then he turned to a wide-eyed Emily.
"I'm sorry. Of course this is fantastic news. I can't express my gratitude enough for what you're doing for him." He placed a hand on her shoulder and sighed. "I guess I better start thinking of a plan B."
Emily smiled sadly. "Don't get too excited though. He's a bit more stable, but I have a suspicion this might also have something to do with the fact that his shit plan has been set in motion. He seems much less tormented since you did what you had to do."
Baxter huffed and started walking toward Hardy's room. "We both did what we said we would. You kept his ticker going and I tried to mend his heart. You get the better end of the deal. If he survives, you're the hero and I'm the fool. I'll take that though."
"You're no fool, Ed. You're a brave man to be Alec Hardy's friend," Emily said right before they entered. Baxter rolled his eyes and stepped through the door to face the man that was costing him his last nerve.
Said man was not in his bed.
"What the –" Baxter spun around and met Emily's flabbergasted face.
The monitor was off and the IV pumps were gone.
"If he ran, I will kill him," Baxter growled. He stepped up to the bed, placing a hand under the blanket. It was still warm. He couldn't be far.
Emily was inspecting the monitor, pulling up the latest recordings. It had only been a few minutes. "There is no way he could have run. We would have seen him. He –"
"I'm leaving tomorrow," Hardy wheezed behind them. Baxter jumped and Emily almost knocked Hardy over when she turned around quickly. They might as well have been facing a ghost, he was so pale. He was clinging onto the IV pole with the head nurse by his side.
"Marybeth, did you let him get up?" Emily asked in disbelief.
"He said, you gave him the okay," the head nurse answered. Her stern look made Hardy duck.
"Alec!" Emily exclaimed indignantly. "I didn't say that."
"You said, that if I can make it to the loo by myself, I can go home. So, I tried again. Mary..." He struggled with the name.
"Beth," Marybeth volunteered exasperated.
"Aye, I knew that," Hardy snapped and Marybeth rolled her eyes. "Marybeth here was kind enough and helped me with all the cables." He slowly lowered his body onto the mattress, expelling some air in pain. His face turned grey and his eyelids drooped. Emily's hand was on his wrist before he could pull it away.
Baxter watched her counting silently, too slowly for a normal heartbeat. He bit down on his lip and ignored the fact that despite whatever improvement Emily's treatments had yielded, Hardy was still so fragile that even a run to the loo could throw him off. The moment passed though. Baxter tried to see it as progress that this time Hardy only nearly fainted.
He pulled over a chair and plopped down next to his panting friend.
"If you're going home tomorrow, I can give you a ride," he offered. He avoided asking him where he'd wanted to go.
Hardy gave him a blank stare. Then he passed a hand over his face. "I need to talk to Tess," he muttered, his eyes flicking around and searching for his phone.
"You might want to hold off on that," Baxter suggested carefully. Last he'd seen Tess was when she had stormed out of the building the day before, after MacMillan had had her conversation with them.
Hardy frowned at him. "Why?"
Baxter moved in his seat, crossing his legs. He didn't want to tell him, but Hardy's hazel eyes were burning through him and he wouldn't get out of answering.
"'Cause MacMillan had a word or two with her and Thompson yesterday. Tess didn't seem pleased with the outcome," Baxter revealed reluctantly.
"What did you guys do to her?" Baxter resisted the urge to slap Hardy in the face. The accusatory tone that was lacing his words was too much for Baxter to handle.
"We? We didn't do anything to her. She did all of this to herself," Baxter spat. "Need I remind you that she lost the key evidence in a double homicide? Maybe you already forgot what the true story is, Alec, but I didn't. She deserved everything that she had coming her way and more. She got off lucky because of you."
Hardy ducked his head. He looked miserable and Baxter felt bad that he had laid into him like that.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. Hardy looked up and shrugged.
"What was MacMillan's punishment?" he wanted to know. He sounded more tired than a minute ago.
"She sent her to 'Drug and Fraud'." Hardy sucked in a sharp breath. "And she stripped her of her rank as detective. Made her police constable again."
"That wasn't what we had discussed," Hardy interjected. There was a flare of annoyance in his eyes and Baxter cursed inwardly. Hardy's stubborn insistence on protecting his adulterous wife baffled him.
"MacMillan is the Chief. You should be glad that she went along with it and not complain. She wanted to fire both of them and so did I," he informed Hardy who studied his bare feet intently.
"Are you going to fire me?" Hardy asked quietly, avoiding Baxter's gaze.
That surprised Baxter. They hadn't discussed what was going to happen with Hardy, considering that they weren't even sure that he'd make it out of the hospital.
"Erm... you're still on medical leave," he replied slowly, buying himself some time.
"But are you going to discharge me from the police force?" Hardy insisted with a quiver in his voice. His eyes came up. Baxter was struck deeply by the sadness in them. Hardy lived and breathed being a detective. He had turned down promotions because he didn't want to be chained behind a desk. Working in the field, conducting the investigation, discovering the evidence, interrogating the suspects, putting the puzzle pieces together – that was what he loved more than anything.
Baxter leaned forward and put a hand on Hardy's knee that stuck out from under the gown. "Alec, don't worry about that. For now you're on medical leave. We'll talk about everything else once you're better."
"You didn't say you wouldn't," Hardy observed astutely. Baxter cursed his perceptiveness.
"I'm not going to lie to you. There will be DPS hearings – for all of us, including myself. I have no jurisdiction over their decisions. I want you to stay... if you can," he added gently.
Their gazes locked until Hardy pinched the bridge of his nose and pressed his long fingers on his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Ed. For dragging you into this. I..." – he hesitated – "I didn't think about what it could mean for your career if you helped me out. I shouldn't have –"
"Don't worry about it," Baxter cut him off. "I could have said no. You're my friend, Alec, and friends in need are more important to me than a title." He snorted. "If I have to go back to doing house to house calls though, you do owe me one," he concluded with a healthy amount of sarcasm.
A wry smile played over Hardy's lips. "I can't quite picture you knocking on people's houses and asking them if they've seen any suspicious activity lately. Not your style."
Baxter grinned and helped Hardy to lie down. Pain and exhaustion were burrowing deep lines into his pale face.
Wearily, he asked, "Could you hand me my phone please?"
Baxter hesitated. "Are you sure you're up to talking to her?"
Hardy stared at the ceiling and didn't say a word. He held out his hand and Baxter placed the mobile in it.
"I could stick around, if you want me to," he offered. He meant to hide his worry, but regardless it had crept into his voice.
Hardy shook his head and found Baxter's eyes. "No. I have to do this on my own," he said with determination.
Baxter nodded. "Right. I understand. They can always get a hold of me if needed."
"Thank you, Ed," Hardy sighed and squinted at the display. His hand automatically went up to where his shirt pocket with his glasses would have been.
"Looking for these?" he said and dangled the crooked spectacles in front of Hardy. Snorting, Hardy snatched them out of Baxter's hand. He rolled his eyes at a grinning Baxter and put them on. His fingers swiftly typed a message. When the answer came promptly, he sighed in relief and his eyelids fluttered shut.
"She'll be here in a couple of hours." Fatigue made his tongue heavy.
"Why don't you try and rest until then?" Baxter suggested. Hardy was already half asleep. Baxter shot a last glance at his friend. For the first time in the past days, he left the hospital with a truly hopeful feeling. All the way home, he delightedly racked his brain over options for plan B.
Hardy didn't know what to expect when Tess entered his room. She hesitated at the door and didn't come closer until he beckoned her over wordlessly. She took a chair and he moved the head of the bed up. He couldn't face her lying down.
"How's Daisy?" he asked finally when the silence between them grew unbearable.
"She misses you. Did you sneak in your mobile to text her yesterday?" Tess shot him a quizzical glance.
"Aye." It had been his only contact with Daisy since his life had fallen apart.
"What are we going to tell her?" Tess wondered, a quiver in her voice.
Hardy closed his eyes and forced himself to stay calm. It was all about Daisy. This wasn't about them. When he looked at Tess again, she was crying. He knew it wasn't for him.
"She can't know about –" He choked up. He couldn't say it. His fingers curled into the sheet. It was too painful. He had thought he could talk about it, but he quickly realized that he'd been wrong.
"I guess, she can't," Tess agreed quietly. "Not after what you did with the case."
"Why did you do it, Tess?" he blurted out, breaking the promise he had made to himself not to ask. His gaze bore into her. She couldn't look away and he saw guilt mirrored in those blue eyes that used to be his whole world.
"Alec, I don't think this is a good time to talk about it," she said carefully, her voice flat.
"Why not? This is as good as any. 'S not like we ever found a good moment to share our secrets before all this happened," he spewed at her.
"Oh, please. I don't need your sarcasm." Annoyance was dripping off of her words.
"What are you afraid of? That it'll kill me? It nearly did already, so what difference does it make?" he snarled, unable to hold back in his wounded anger.
"Alec!" she exclaimed. There was genuine outrage and hurt in her voice. They glared at each other for what seemed an eternity until she hung her head.
"I didn't want to hurt you," she mumbled.
"You did." He stared at the ceiling tiles, his eyes stinging. He didn't want to give her the satisfaction of crying.
Focusing on the grey lines and dots, he asked, "How long?"
"A while," she replied.
His eyes whipped toward her. "How long?" he repeated, louder this time.
"Why is that important, Alec?"
"How long?" he shouted into her face, breathing heavily.
"Fine. Since before Christmas," she admitted finally.
Five bloody months. And he had had no idea. Not even a suspicion. His brain was suddenly flooded with too many moments that when looking back were so obvious. He never knew. He cupped his mouth with his hand as if to silence a scream.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he pressed through gritted teeth.
"I meant to. But then Daisy got sick and –"
"That was a month ago! You've been cheating on me for half a year and you only thought about telling me now?" Anger and disbelief roughened up his words. He didn't know what hurt more – the fact that she had utterly betrayed him or the fact that she had such blatant disregard for him as a human being.
"I have no idea why you hate me so much, Tess, or what I did to you, but I didn't deserve this. I don't deserve being treated like a piece of shit. Would you have even told me if you hadn't lost the pendant?"
His heart had finally caught up with his emotions. There was a run of stuttering beats and then a pause, followed by a frantically fast rhythm. Tess stared at the monitor, fear unmasked in her wide eyes, and Hardy stared at her. He didn't need to see the screen, he already knew what was happening.
"Don't pretend you're worried," he wheezed in between gasping breaths.
She took his hand. He wanted to pull away, but he was too weak. And somewhere deep inside he desperately wished he could still cling on to it like he used to. His fingers curled around hers and he squeezed them hard when a wave of pain washed over him. She flinched ever so slightly, but left her hand where it was.
After a couple of minutes the attack subsided and Hardy's tense body relaxed. Exhausted, his eyelids drooped shut. They were still holding on to each other.
"I don't hate you, Alec," she whispered eventually.
He forced his eyes open. Her gaze was resting on him and the warmth with which she looked at him was too much to bear.
"You just don't love me any more," he spat together with all the hurt he was feeling.
That made her pull her hand away. He immediately missed the anchor she had given him and regretted what he had said.
"I'm sorry, love," he whispered, curling up his fingers, desperately trying to lock in that warmth she'd been giving him.
"What for, Alec? That you lash out when you're hurt instead of talking? That you live inside your head and don't care what that does to someone else's feelings? That you don't share? That you don't let me in? That everything revolves around you and what you think needs to happen? That you are never present, always somewhere else, even if you're sitting right next to me? That you haven't seen me in god who knows how long? That you're not interested in what's going on with me? That all you care about is you? And I guess Daisy, but certainly not me. That you –"
"Please stop," he begged, burying his face in his shaky hands. It wasn't the first time she had accused him of those things, but she had never poured it all out like she was doing now. Her words washed over him like hungry waves on a beach, tugging little bits and pieces away with them when they retreated into the ocean. His heart was being eroded and there was nothing he could do to protect himself against the relentless surf. He was drowning all over again.
"I'm sorry, Tess," he repeated the only words he could think of.
She huffed. "Too little, too late. We haven't been close in so long now. I miss the man I married, Alec. The man who was happy to cuddle with me on the sofa, who didn't complain about being trapped under me when I fell asleep on his lap. The man who said hello to me when I walked in the door and who didn't only ask about the latest development in a case. The man who noticed when something was bothering me, to whom I didn't need to point out when I was feeling down. The man who knew what made me happy instead of deciding for himself what he thinks is supposed to make me happy."
Hardy listened to what she had to say, taking all the stabs. He knew she was right to a certain extent. He had changed. He wasn't the same carefree man any more. Hadn't been for a long time now. Too often his professional life had invaded what should have been sacred and untouchable. It had taken away time, attention, and not the least of all energy from being able to be there for the most important people in his life. And in those too many moments when he had barely anything left to give, he had given it to his daughter. He had lost his wife on the way, but he had also lost himself.
He stared at his wife of almost fifteen years, the one person he thought would always stand by him and who he had failed so thoroughly. Her face blurred with the tears in his eyes and he reached to wipe her damp cheeks. She swatted at his hand.
"Don't touch me, Alec!" she hissed and he dropped his arm heavily onto the bed. He was weary and the conversation was taking its toll on him. He tried to hide it though, wanting to give her all the time she needed to say what she should have told him a long time ago.
She searched his face and her expression turned from angry to disappointed. "Even now, you're doing it. I can see how exhausted you are. You think you need to keep it together so I can talk, to give me the time or whatever it is that you believe I need right now, whereas all I need is to move on and leave you behind."
His heart stuttered again, but it was too brief for the monitor to alarm. He was grateful for that. At least he could hide behind his stoic face without his treacherous body giving away how much she'd hurt him with her calloused words.
"You drove me away, Alec. I –"
"Seriously? 'S my fault now that you're shagging fucking Dave Thompson while we're still married," he cut her off, suddenly furious at the implication he'd driven her into another man's arms. This time the monitor did go off and he cursed under his labored breath.
"Please calm down, Alec," she urged him. The concern in her voice irked him.
"Ach, shut up, Tess. Why do you even care?" he wheezed.
"Because you're Daisy's father and I don't want her to grow up without you around," she replied.
Their eyes locked. The truth sank in for both of them. Daisy was the only good thing that seemed to be left between the two. This time, it was Tess who reached out to him. She brushed his matted hair away from his forehead.
"She needs you, Alec," Tess said with a sad smile.
Hardy looked away, gaze trailing out the window. "She needs you too. And maybe soon, she'll need you more than ever."
"Please don't say that." Her voice broke and she sniveled. Her hand found his again, fitting perfectly. They both held on to the warmth with the same desperation.
Hardy didn't know how long they'd been sitting together, but when he became more aware of his surroundings, he realized he had drifted off. The sun was hanging lower on the sky, hitting his bed now. She was still cradling his hand.
"Hi," she greeted him with a smile when he moved his head to look at her. "Feel better?"
He snorted and rolled his eyes.
"When are they letting you go?" she wanted to know.
"Never," he scoffed. "I'm not staying though. I'll try to leave tomorrow. It's driving me mad," he grumbled.
"Alec, you can't even sit up by yourself. How do you think you'll be able to get out of here?" Tess was the voice of reason as always.
He shrugged. His hazel eyes rested on her beautiful face that was doused in sunlight. "You could help me escape?" he asked sheepishly.
"Alec, don't be daft!" she chastised him, grinning. Then her face turned serious. "Where are you going to go?"
He stared blankly ahead. He had refused to think about it. "I'm not going back to the house," he blurted out. They both heard the pain in those words but also the finality. There was no need to argue over it. Tess nodded.
"When do you want to talk to Daisy?"
"I have to leave here first. She can't find out about…," he trailed off. His eyes wandered over his battered body. There was no way Daisy wouldn't realize that something serious had happened to her father.
Tess had arrived at the same conclusion. "Are you going to tell her the truth?"
He found Tess' eyes. "I want to. No more lies. But how can I, Tess? She's going to be heartbroken over –" He still couldn't say it.
"I know. But she should know about –" She faltered, unable to say that he was going to die.
"She should, but maybe not yet. If we tell her both things at the same time, she would never forgive you for leaving me." He'd said it before he could think about it. Her face turned pale and she pressed her lips into a thin line.
"Tess, I'm sorry," he apologized. He hadn't intended on hurting her. "Please believe me, I don't even think that way. But she will and you know it." He squeezed her fingers that were still interlaced with his.
"Right. She would. So what are we going to say?" She lifted her head and looked him straight in the eye. She was desperate and lost. It surprised him because she was usually very composed and always had a plan. It also made him feel like he needed to protect her which maybe wasn't the most logical thing to do, but he couldn't turn off his feelings for her.
"We'll tell her we…" – he hesitated and then ploughed through the worst lie he'd ever tell his child. "We'll tell her that we've grown apart and that we both feel we shouldn't be together any more. We'll tell her we both love her, that it has nothing to do with her and that it isn't her fault. She needs to hear that. I don't know if she'll be satisfied with that explanation, but we have to try. We can't drag her into this more than she already will be."
Tess nodded. "Right," she breathed, grasping his hand tighter. When he didn't continue, she added, "Maybe we could say you had a car accident? That would explain why you didn't talk to her in a couple of days and why you… look the way you look?"
Hardy groaned. It was yet another horrible lie. But it couldn't be helped. If he told Daisy about his heart condition at the same time they revealed they were separating, it could cause irreparable damage to the mother-daughter relationship. It had to be avoided at all cost. Otherwise, he taking the blame for the loss of the pendant would have been in vain.
They each had found the other's version of the truth. He closed his eyes.
"Alec, I think you need to rest. You look so tired, much more than when I came in here. We'll find the time when you're out of here." She disentangled her fingers from his, taking the warmth with her. All he was left with was the cold clammy feeling of his sweaty palm.
She brushed a kiss on his forehead. "Go to sleep."
Hardy didn't have it in him to tell her that sleep these days was anything but restful for him. He nodded with his eyelids shut. He didn't allow himself to cry until he was sure she was gone.
A/N: I want to once again thank my friend and editor HAZELMIST who loses sleep over fixing my mistakes and seriously awkward language. I am eternally grateful. She also has found a new ship – Alec/Ceiling tiles – and I quote: "He's ALWAYS MAKING EYES AT THE CEILING TILES SEE WHAT I MEAN?! TRUE LOVE!" (It's been a running joke between the two of us).
Whatever your feelings are about the things that were said between Duncan and Alec and between Tess and Alec, I hope you can forgive me. This was a tough one to write for so, so many reasons and I ask for kindness in case I made you angry. I also hand out tissues in case I made you cry. Thank you for being such loyal readers!