heads up for homophobia

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Chapter 20:

Trivial Circumstances

[To: me

From: Kuroo

Received at 4:21am

hey… sorry i haven't texted as much as i should have. um… a lot has happened and this text is just to tell you to stop worrying. i know you, kenma, you're probably worried to death. so this is your reminder that i'm fine, don't you dare worry!

i should be back tomorrow (wednesday) so don't try to miss me too much!]

Kenma re-read the text for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. The text told him not to worry, but there he was, biting his nails down to nubs and pulling at loose strands of hair. The entire time Kuroo was away, he had only gotten a few messages when he should have gotten thousands of them.

Well, maybe not that many, but at least more than he actually received.

What happened to Kuroo? He wasn't supposed to worry, but not knowing was driving him crazy. His anxiety was terribly spiked. Was Kuroo okay? Kenma hoped he was. It was hard to imagine his boyfriend to be anything other than perfectly fine and obnoxious. Also, why was Kuroo even up at 4 in the morning? The entire situation screamed trouble and there were endless questions, but Kenma was miles away and couldn't do anything.

Kenma had sent a reply at around 9am, but hadn't gotten a response. Just another thing that made him completely uncomfortable. He had a sinking feeling in his stomach all day and couldn't shake it, no matter what he tried. Nothing had gotten done at work and he hadn't done anything productive ever since he got home. It had been ten hours since he had replied, and he briefly wondered what the time limit was for calling to check up on Kuroo.

Before he could decide anything, however, his phone rang. Someone or something must have been watching from the heavens and thrown him a bone, because when Kenma checked his phone, the caller ID read Kuroo.

He picked it up in two rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kenma."

His voice was muffled and scratchy, but still recognizable as Kuroo. It sounded like he was standing outside near a bunch of traffic, and for all Kenma knew, he was. Kuroo's voice hitched for a split second and if he hadn't been hanging on every word, Kenma would have missed it.

"Can I… can I come over?"

"Right now?" Kenma questioned. He wasn't supposed to be back until the next day. The text flitted through his mind and he changed his question before Kuroo could even answer. "Kuroo, what's wrong?"

"I want…" Kuroo's voice was even more fuzzy and desperate, but the sound of traffic had disappeared. Instead, the sound was replaced by heavy breathing and soft sighs, like he had gone inside somewhere. "I want… to see you. Can I come over?"

"Of course, Kuroo," Kenma said into the phone, gripping the object so hard he feared his fingers would go numb. He had been right; something was wrong and he had every reason to be worried. As an afterthought, and maybe to comfort his boyfriend, he added, "You're always welcome here."

Kuroo didn't answer. The only sound through the phone were heavy footsteps and every once in a while, another catch in his breath. Kenma kept silent as well, listening to the uneven breathing. There was a knock at the door and Kenma wondered why people always had the worst timing. He stayed on the phone as he went to go answer the door.

When he opened the door, his phone slipped out of his grasp and landed on the carpet. Kuroo was standing in front of him, dark circles under his eyes. His nose was red, but he suspected it was from something other than the cold. They stood there in silence, the apartment door wide open, staring at each other.

Something changed. Kenma wasn't sure what exactly what it was, but it seemed like a dam had broke. Kuroo still held his phone in his hand and stumbled forward for a hug before jerking back suddenly, eyes wide. He stared at Kenma, wearily asking for permission to touch him, and he nodded quickly.

Kenma felt himself be pulled into a tight hug, so tight that he could feel his boyfriend's shoulders move up and down in silent movements. A few seconds later he could feel the top of his head dampen and that was the moment he felt his heart break in half.

He vaguely registered a soft thud that came from the ground. Probably Kuroo's phone. Kenma wrapped his arms around Kuroo, absentmindedly rubbing circles on his back. The strangled sob that came from Kuroo made him want to start crying too, but he had to be strong. Kuroo needed him.

They stayed like that for who knows how long, wrapped in each other, Kuroo weeping into his hair and Kenma rubbing his back. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, it could have been days. All the surroundings were a blur, the only thing that required his attention was him.

Kuroo.

A while later, Kenma guided his boyfriend to the couch, making sure the apartment door was shut. Kuroo plopped onto the couch and held his head in his hands, unwilling to make eye contact. Kenma knew the feeling well: he probably felt weak for crying in front of him.

Before Kenma could even settle next to Kuroo, all four cats climbed on top of him, each trying their best to soothe their honorary owner. Kuroo had been to his apartment so many times that he was old news to the cats, they welcomed him back just as they would welcome Kenma. They comforted Kuroo just the same as well, apparently.

Kenma watched with adoration as Kuroo scooped Sugar up into his arms and pulled her into his lap, burying his face into her furr. Sugar began to purr and the rest of the cats curled up next to him. Kenma thought he heard a laugh, a choked, upset one, but a laugh nonetheless when Clyde nipped at Kuroo's hip.

Kenma turned to go get his boyfriend a glass of water when Kuroo looked up expectantly. His eyes were wide and scared but Kenma understood what they were pleading perfectly. Please, don't go. He sat down on the couch and scooted closer, careful to avoid the cats.

"Do you … want to talk about it?"

Kuroo shrugged, his voice muffled, "It's a long story."

"I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere, Kuroo," Kenma said, reaching an arm around Kuroo's waist. He held them together tightly, his other hand petting Lynn. Trying a smile, he nudged Kuroo and joked, "This is where I live, you know."

"Right," Kuroo snorted, rubbing at his eyes.

They were quiet for a long time. Purrs were heard every once in a while, maybe a hiccup or two, but neither of them spoke. Kenma knew better than to push someone if they didn't want to talk. Instead, he left the discussion open, just in case Kuroo did want to say something.

Kuroo had stopped sniffling and was focused on petting Colin, brushing through any knots or tangles in his fur. The rest of the cats had jumped down from the couch, judging the situation to be calm enough. Eventually, Kuroo's movements stopped and he was quiet for so long that Kenma thought he had fallen asleep. Kenma didn't miss how tense Kuroo's body was. He wasn't surprised when Kuroo began to talk.

"It's just…" Kuroo started, trying to decide where to start in his story. He brought his hand up to his cheek, resting his head as he looked at Kenma. His eyes were red and puffy, he noticed. Kenma scolded himself and told himself to pay attention to the story. "Christmas was… shit, for a lack of a better word."

Kenma tilted his head to indicate he was listening and raised an eyebrow.

Kuroo continued.

"I went to my grandparent's house, like I told you, but my mom was there. I don't know who invited her, if anyone, but she kept going on about how my dad ruined our family. How, maybe if he hadn't cheated on her with his masculine butch secretary, then maybe their son wouldn't have..." Kuroo's face twisted in agony, remembering a terrible memory. He took a deep breath and whispered, "Turned out gay."

Kuroo took a moment to compose himself.

"The entire thing was really stupid, you know? Who my dad cheated with had nothing to do with what sexuality I am, but that didn't matter to her. She didn't want to accept me, so she took it out on my dad, and eventually, me."

"That's…" Kenma faltered. He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to say that was horrible, because obviously it was, but what would saying it going to do? He didn't want to say he was sorry, it felt insincere. Instead, he didn't say anything at all. Kenma leaned into Kuroo and intertwined one of their hands together.

Kuroo's mouth twitched the tiniest bit. Colin finally got down off the couch, stalking to wherever the cats went when they didn't want to bother their owners. Kenma nudged his boyfriend to finish the story as he traced patterns on Kuroo's palm.

He sighed. Kenma wasn't sure what type of sigh it was, but it didn't sound terribly upset. Really, it was more of a relaxed sigh, than anything. Kuroo cleared his throat and began talking once again, tying up plot holes and any other questions.

"She yelled at me, telling me how I'm such a disappointment, and how unlucky was she that she ended up with a gay son." Kuroo's lips quirked into a small, exasperated smile. He huffed out a laugh, shaking his head and continued, "You know what the kicker is? She told me that I'm going to Hell … She's not even religious, I don't think she even believes in a heaven or hell."

Kenma snorted.

"Right? So stupid. Honestly, I think she just took some excuses from other homophobic people. They probably get together and have a meeting to discuss new insults. It wouldn't surprise me at this point," Kuroo chuckled. Birds of a feather flock together, that much was true. Laying his head on Kenma's shoulder, he finished, "That's why I texted at like, four in the morning. I had packed my bags and left to drive back after that. I went to my apartment and relaxed a bit, thought everything was fine and I'd talk to you tomorrow. But it wasn't. All the insults finally hit me and I got really sad. And … here we are."

"Here we are," Kenma echoed. He paused for a moment, before adding, "I'm glad you came."

Kuroo chuckled, his heart beat finally slowed to a normal pace. He felt better after his rant, and he definitely felt better being with Kenma. Feeling himself relax, he closed his eyes, nuzzling further into Kenma's shoulder. Eventually, he breathed out, "Me too."

Within minutes, Kuroo was asleep. Kenma didn't understand how it was possible in such a weird position, but Kuroo was gone within seconds. His hiccups were gone, and even the swelling around his eyes was going down. Unsure what to do in such a situation, Kenma began to pet his boyfriend's birdnest hair. He watched as Kuroo began to dream.

It felt intimate to be the one seeing him asleep. Usually, it was the other way around. Kuroo would be watching and standing guard for a sleeping Kenma. The quiet of the apartment added to the atmosphere and he began to feel affection swelling up, more than he ever had before.

Maybe he was a terrible person, but Kenma felt like he prefered the Kuroo he had just witnessed. Was it because it put Kuroo on a level closer to Kenma? He didn't know the reason, but he felt like seeing Kuroo so vulnerable put them in a different place for their relationship.

Kuroo wasn't so different from him.

Kenma knew the hardships just as well, and he felt closer to him than he had ever before. Of course, it had hurt him to see Kuroo so broken, and he never wanted to see it happen again. But … Kuroo made him feel more normal, more… alive.

That was when Kenma realized he was falling in love with Kuroo. It could have happened to anyone at any time on Earth, maybe even in the universe, but it was happening to Kenma right then. At eight pm on a cold December night, snow slowly cascading down outside the window, in a dark and quiet apartment, sitting on a couch he had known forever, holding his recovering boyfriend, Kenma knew he was falling in love.