When I exit the building I find the car Apollonia and I were in has left, however a man in the black suit that all the presidential officials have been wearing is standing on the sidewalk. When he see me he walks over to join me.
"Miss Briggs?" He asks once he reaches me. I nod.
"I'm here to escort you home." He man says. I nod and begin to follow him along the busy sidewalk. My heart and mind are both still racing from my conversation with Dew, if you could call it a conversation. I know I should feel bad for being so harsh, but I don't. I'm terrified as I fell the dull numbness taking over my mind and body again, threatening to numb me from all emotion like it did before.
I don't know how to heal myself. I need to feel something, I need to cry for my losses or feel guilt for the innocent lives I took. I should feel bad, but I don't. I hate myself for it. I guess my own hate is truly the only thing I feel, but even that isn't enough to convince me I'm human.
I continue walking next to the man in black down the street with my head down, watching my feet cross the pavement until he stops abruptly.
"Mister Hawthorne." The guard says as I nearly walk into him. I look up from the ground and see Gale Hawthorne standing in front of us on the sidewalk.
"Officer Nuven." He greets and shakes the guards hand.
"I'll take this one." Mister Hawthorne says, making a vague gesture in my direction.
"I have a few things I'd like to-" he pauses. "discuss with her."
The guard nods and slowly steps back for a few paces until he turns on his heels and quickly walks back in the direction we came. Once he's out of sight Mister Hawthorne grabs my wrist and pulls me forcefully into a nearby alleyway opening. I begin to scream, envisioning a terrible fate awaiting me before he clamps a hand down hard over my mouth.
"Shh." He hisses at me and pokes his head out of the alley. Once he seems satisfied he looks back at me.
"Don't scream." He tells me, my eyes wide in horror. "Got it?" He asks. In sheer terror I nod, unsure of what else I can do. He slowly releases me and uncovers my mouth.
"Does anyone know who you are?" He asks me. I'm lucky my face had already been one of fear, because his words strike fear into my heart. Does he know who I am? Or is he vaguely talking about me- the new me living a life from Two.
"What do you mean?" I ask him, my voice scratchy from anxiety and fear.
Once again he looks out from the alley into the sidewalk which I see has begun to grow less and less busy. He leans in close and whispers;
"I know who you are." He tells me.
I inhale sharply and can only muster out one word,
"Please," I beg but he stops me.
"I'm on your side." He says, shaking his head.
"Listen, I don't know how you managed to get yourself into the trip to Twelve, but I know why. Trust me, you don't want to. There's a reason I'm not going." He says, but I hear something in his voice, something resembling pain.
"Why aren't you going if you work for presidential security?" I ask him. He runs a hand through his slightly greying hair.
"She never told you about me, did she?" He asks, a sadness in his eyes. I regretfully shake my head. He looks up and shakes his head.
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised." He pauses again, pain still evident in his tone.
"I used to know your parents, especially your mother. I won't tell you details but there's a reason I never went back to Twelve, and I don't think I ever can. I know there's nothing more that you want than to see them, believe me I know." He shakes his head again, "I can't let you get into this, Willow. Don't hurt yourself. You'll look at them and see this coldness and you won't be able to take it. You'll see them and still love them and they'll have no idea who you are. They'll see you as a monster from the Capitol who took someone they love. Don't do that to yourself." Gale is begging me by the end, his eyes glossed over as are mine.
It take me a long time to speak,
"I have to see them." I say.
"You're a lot like her." He says with a sad smile. "Maybe you'll be stronger than me." He says. We stand in silence for a moment before he hugs me. It's like a hug I haven't felt in a long time. A fatherly hug, from someone who doesn't approve of what you say and do, but accepts that you have to.
"Take this," he says as he hands me a brown envelope labeled 'SECRET'.
"Read it before tomorrow morning." He instructs.
I take the envelope and look up at the man who I know is hiding something. Something about my mother, about my father, and about me.
"Good luck, kid." He tells me as I walk out of the alley and back into the sidewalk, warmed by the late summer afternoon sun. I take a quick looks back over my shoulder, but when I do, Gale has disappeared.
I make my way back to the apartment and by the time in find ours it's nearly four-thirty. I take out my key from my pocket and unlock the brass handle, opening the door.
"I'm back!" I call out as I close the door, bending over to take off my shoes. I place them by the door and call out again.
"Anyone here?" I ask, surprised to find Cassius has left. I poke my head into the bedroom to see if perhaps he's asleep, but the bedroom is empty. I shrug, assuming he was probably called into his own work. I cross the hall and enter the kitchen, searching for a glass. After inspecting the many cupboards, all containing something different, I finally find the glasses. I take one and place it in the sink, turning the tap on cold and letting the clear water flow into the clear glass.
I always had water in my home back in Twelve, but I can't recall it ever being this clean. Come to think of it, I had just about everything I have here, in Twelve, just not nearly to the same standard. Its odd how the lowest class in the Capitol is treated better than the highest in the districts. My mind then drifts back to the reaping when I volunteered. That day has blurred so much in my mind I can hardly remember the details of that day. I remember meeting up with Amethyst, them calling up someone and then I volunteered. I can't even remember the name of the girl I volunteered for. The next memory I have is boarding the train, I don't even remember my goodbyes. Did Amethyst come? I assume Cliff must have, since that was the last time he could have proposed. I don't even know if I ever got to say goodbye to my parents.
"You might want to turn off the water." A voice says from behind me. I slowly raise a hand and turn off the tap. I see the sink full of water and the glass overflowing through my blurred vision due to the steady stream of silent tears that have escaped from my eyes. I turn around and face Cassius, his new blue eyes watching me with a smile that fades quickly when he sees me. He pauses for a moment before he hugs me tightly, allowing me to weep silently into his shoulder.
I cry for the people I murdered.
I cry for the family I ruined.
I cry for the brother I left behind.
But mostly, I cry for myself.