I only return to the apartment that night after midnight, once I'm sure I wouldn't have to face Cassius. I know it's cowardly, but I can't bear the guilt. How do you tell someone you don't think you love them anymore? I spent the evening sitting on a bench by a large lake on the outskirts of the Capitol. By the time I returned to the building the crowds in the square had cleared and only a few drunken capitolites remained. I snuck into the apartment and lay on the couch, my mind still full of anticipation for tomorrow.
Tomorrow I will stand next to my family, unbeknownst to them.
I don't know when sleep takes me, but I wake at some point, just before the sun is about to rise over the horizon. The city glows a pale pink just outside the window and all is quiet. I notice a blanket has been laid over me. One I didn't have when I fell asleep. I feel more guilt well up inside me as I realize it must have been Cassius. I can't stop thinking about him as I fix my hair and flatten out my clothing, not daring to enter the bedroom.
He's too good for me. It's as simple as that. I can't even face him when I know I'm in the wrong, and he still doesn't get mad when he has every right to. I can't help but wonder why he even cares about me, I'm a sick human being who doesn't feel guilt, even when I know I should. I don't regret the murder of innocents and I'd do it again if I had to. I haven't cried for those I've truly killed, but I have for myself. I'm a selfish idiot who really doesn't deserve all I've been given. I don't deserve the second life I've been given. My thoughts then turn to Rye, who's likely now living a life of fear and regret, unlike my own. Part of me is afraid to see him today, afraid to look him in the eyes and have him look back at me as if I'm one of the capitolites who took his sister from him.
Perhaps Gale was right. Maybe I shouldn't go today. I stand and make my way to one of the windows and look outside at the square. I see one of the large screens, now black and silent, but I can see the 'Free the Mellarks' message written on it, transposed through my mind. My hands tightened into fists and I remember what I'm fighting for. Or perhaps who I'm fighting for.
The government hates my family, and wants the people of Panem to as well. My guess is they've succeeded in convincing the Districts that are closely allied with the Capitol, such as One and Two. However, I know from my own experience that the Districts like Twelve still remain loyal to the rebellion.
My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. I inhale deeply and close my eyes for a moment, composing myself for the day ahead before I turn and cross the room toward the door. I check the hallway through the peep hole and see Gale standing in the hall. I unlock the door and open it slightly. I put on my shoes and slip out, closing the door behind me on my way out.
"Miss Briggs." He greets with a nod. I blink in reply, unwilling to speak at the moment. He nods knowingly at my silence, obviously aware of my anxiety surrounding the events to come today. He escorts me down the hallway and calls the elevator. As we wait for the lift he turns to me slightly.
"It's not too late to back out." He says quietly.
"I can't." I reply as the doors open. He steps in behind me and presses the button for the ground floor. After the doors close I turn to Gale and ask him a question I realize I should have asked yesterday.
"How do you know my parents? Why haven't you gone back to see them?" I ask. Gale doesn't look at me when I speak, he simply looks straight ahead at the walls of the elevator.
"It was a long time ago." He begins. "A really long time." He pauses, seeming to collect his thoughts. "I knew your mother better than anyone else. But then the games happened. I guess a lot of things happened, and we both made mistakes."
I'm about to ask more when the doors of the elevator open telling me it's no longer safe to discuss my past life. I step out of the elevator behind Gale and find Apollonia standing in the lobby with another official from the presidential team.
I see the man with Apollonia check his watch before he tells us we have to leave.
"Departure is in two hours." He announces before turning and walking out into the street. I walk next to Apollonia as we exit the building and follow Gale and the other man down the street.
"How'd you get on this assignment?" Apollonia asks me in a low voice. I don't turn to look at her, not wanting to attract any attention.
"Dew." I reply in a hushed tone as well. Apollonia nods slightly, obviously uncomfortable with the idea of myself returning home. We walk in silence for about twenty minutes before we reach a building with a tall fence and blacked out windows.
"Looks homely." I say as we stop in front of the large metal gates. I get some side eye from the other guard and a chuckle from Apollonia. Gale approaches the guard on duty and hands him an envelope as well as what I assume is his identification card. The guard looks over the contents of the envelope before looking at Apollonia and I. He eventually nods and the gates slide open. I follow Gale through the gates and cross the short distance to the black doors of the building.
After an hour of briefing from Gale to the team describing what to expect on the trip. Overall it is expected to be quiet. A quick arrival, speech at my funeral and a quick exit. The current plan is to be on the ground for less than two hours and then return back to the Capitol before nightfall.
The knots begin to from in my stomach as the time of departure grows nearer as time passes. We're currently fitting for peacekeeper uniforms. Mine resembles everyone elses; a white jumpsuit outfitted with hard white plates as armour. We're also outfitted with guns, but told those who are district transfers are not to use them as we haven't yet been trained. I find this a relief. I fear I'm already close to being caught for who I really am.
Gale enter the room and we all fall silent.
"The hovercraft is prepped and the president will be boarding shortly. You're all cleared to board." He announces, opening the door behind him that leads out to the courtyard. I fall in behind others and as I begin towards the door, Gale grabs my arm. He waits until the final person has left the room before he speaks to me.
"I don't want you to go." Gale tells me. I furrow my brows in frustration.
"I'm going." I tell him, ripping my arm free from his grasp.
"And quite frankly I don't get why you're so concerned about me, I don't even know who you are." I add, picking up my peacekeeper helmet.
"Its not like you're my father." I say as I begin toward the door. I briefly see a look of pain on his face before I exit into the courtyard where a large black hovercraft sits, its engines revving in anticipation of flight. My hair is flying wildly due to the wind created by the massive propellers.
I hear the door slam behind me as I jog over to the ramp of the hovercraft, falling in line behind a fellow peacekeeper by the name of Marcello. A man in a black suit takes our names and looks us up and down many times before allowing us into the hovercraft. Being the last one, when I climb the ramp, the man jumps out and the ramp raises behind me, sealing the bay of the craft. I take a seat between Marcello and Apollonia.
The engines grow louder and I see Gale give a thumbs up to who I assume is one of the pilots at the front of the craft. He and the man who took our names cover their faces as the engines begin to pick up speed, causing a sizeable dust storm outside in the courtyard. The craft begins to rise steadily as we gain altitude. Apollonia, the other district transfers, as well as myself stand out amongst the Capitol-born when we all crane our necks to get a glimpse out of the few windows as we rise higher and higher above the ground.
Apollonia and I had flown in a hovercraft before the games, and then again after we died, however the windows had been blacked out in the bay of the hovercraft.
I watch the ground shrink below us and can't help but wonder if there's more reason for Gale not wanting me to go to Twelve other than what he lets on.