Dear Elena,

It's been 5 months. I know, I'm so sorry, I haven't written. There wasn't much going on, really. I managed to pass into junior year, surprising, considering my crappy grades last semester. I didn't do anything all summer, just sat at home and tried to read up on psychology - which is going to be my new major. Surprise! I don't know, I just wasn't feeling pre-med anymore. Not after what happened, anyway.

No one really handled it well, you know? Except maybe Matt, who's now in law enforcement, which, trust me, is a lot less weird than it sounds. He was always the one that wanted to help people. I have no idea where Tyler is - probably off somewhere with girlfriend of the week.

Jeremy...well, a day after the funeral, he was halfway to China, so who knows? Every now and then, he gives us a call. I wish that I could be there for him, but he's made it clear that he wants his space.

:::

"Jeremy, please come back."

"You want me to come back to the town where my mom, dad, aunt, and sister died?" he replies harshly. "I think I'll pass. Bye, Bonnie."

"Wait, please don't hang up -! " Bonnie says urgently, but she is talking to herself.

:::

Stefan and Caroline are finding solace in each other, judging by the number of times she's snuck back into our dorm at 2am. But who am I to criticize how she handles her grief?

And Damon...well, he's being Damon. Drinking, to clarify, because there are a lot of things Damon could be doing right now. Which he's not. And that's good. At the same time, Damon in pain isn't exactly a good thing at all - I'm just waiting for him to snap - that sounds cruel. I'm sorry. Enough bourbon keeps him relatively calm.

I want you to know that we all miss you a lot. And we'll never stop missing you.

Anyway, the real reason I wanted to write was because something happened. I met someone.

:::

"Pork rind?" the boy sitting next to Bonnie turns and asks, holding out a bag to her.

She hates pork rinds, but there's something very compelling about his eyes, and she finds herself saying, "Thank you," and reaching out for one.

"I'm Kai," he introduces himself, leaning back in his seat.

"Bonnie," she says, and for the rest of the class, she can't focus on anything her professor says.

:::

His name is Kai Parker. He's 22 years old, but he had to repeat a year because his family moved around a lot. Dark hair, romantic eyes, dangerous smile. Check, check, check. He's majoring in Psychology, too; we met officially about three weeks ago.

We aren't friends, but we aren't exactly more...yet. He sometimes looks at me like I'm the sun and he would rather get blinded than not see me at all. And sometimes he will accidentally touch my arm and my heart will race.

But he knows I have walls. What's worse is that he wants to break them down.

:::

"So, what's your story, Bonnie Bennett?" Kai asks her, smiling.

Bonnie just looks at him. She wishes she could tell him about what happened in May. About her sleepless nights. How she's falling apart. How Elena was the glue that held her and Caroline together, and now they barely even speak.

But she can't tell him. And he knows it.

"Soon," he says, and it's a promise.

:::

I know I'm not psychic, but he's funny and weird and dangerously hot, and I think - I know - he could make me happy. I want him and I want to be wanted by him.

At the same time, he could break my heart, and I don't think I could handle that loss. Not after everything. If I'm being honest with myself - and with you, I feel like it would be betraying you. I can't find my happiness only months after losing my best friend. It's wrong. I can't. I won't. And I know what you'd saying right now: Bonnie, I want you to be happy, you deserve it, blah blah blah.

I'm so scared that if I'm happy again, I'll stop missing you. And if that happens, I'll hate myself forever.

I have to go check on Damon now, but I promise I'll write soon.

Love, Bonnie

A/N: This is the first time I've ever updated a story in a week, yay me. It should have been up yesterday, but I was at the hospital almost all day, and I couldn't type it up. By the way, the format of all the chapters will be Bonnie writing in her diary - Italics and flashbacks - Regular.

Please review; all your comments give me inspiration :)

-Nina