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Chapter 10 - The Better Part of Valour

As soon as Evan left her room, Cat selected "new text" on her phone and started to type. Suddenly, she was flooded with an overwhelming sense of anxiety; her heart began to race, her breathing became ragged, her vision blurred... She'd never had a panic attack in her life. She closed her eyes and took slow, deep breaths, trying to get it under control. Her eyes suddenly flew open. Vincent! Something was wrong, she just knew. She started texting furiously and hit "send", before collapsing back onto her pillow and willing herself to calm down. He'd been taking care of himself for a long time and done just fine without her. Why then did she feel this irrational need to protect him?

Vincent lurked in the shadows of the staff parking area in the Mt. Sinai parking garage. He had only been guessing what time Alex would get off from her shift, based on when he had seen her earlier in the ICU. Of course, she'd pulled a double, so he'd been hanging around for hours waiting for her. The elevator came to a stop at his level, and he watched as a handful of nurses filed out of it. He almost turned away when he saw her. His stomach tightened and his heart started hammering in his chest until he thought he couldn't breathe. Once upon a time she had this effect on him, but for a much different reason. Instead of attraction, his reaction now was due to fear. As he watched her wind her way through the garage and eventually leave the nurses behind as they got in their cars, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out quickly and checked the display. Catherine. Stuffing the cell back into his jacket pocket, he quickly maneuvered himself in the shadows until he came up behind Alex as she was trying to get into her car.

Sensing a sudden presence behind her, Alex shrieked and spun around, just as Vincent reached up to cover her mouth. "Shh Alex it's just me." Her eyes were like saucers above his hand, and she suddenly went very still. Vincent could barely detect her breathing. "Breathe, Alex, before you pass out." He removed his hand from her face, allowing her to take a gasping breath through her mouth.

"Vincent?! What the hell is going on?! We all thought you were dead!"

Vincent looked around nervously. "Please keep your voice down," his tone implying more a command than the polite request suggested by his words. "I'll try to explain but we can't just stand here in the open talking. Get in the car." Alex gave him a puzzled look, and when she hesitated he inclined his head toward the driver door, urging her to unlock it and get in. Once she complied, he moved around to the other side and got in the passenger seat. For a moment he sat there, heart racing, trying to think how to even start the conversation. After all he and Alex had been to each other, he assumed when he saw her that the words would come. He'd been gravely mistaken. He just stared out the windshield at the concrete barrier between the rows of cars, trying desperately to breathe normally and come up with something to say.

Alex was her usual, impatient self. "Vincent, talk to me. You came here to tell me what's going on and now you're just sitting there like a statue. I have so many questions, and you need to answer them!"

Vincent closed his eyes. "I know, Alex. It's just all so complicated I don't know where to start, or even how much I can safely tell you."

The hair on the back of her neck prickled. Safely? That sounded ominous. "Vincent, what happened? Why were we all told you were dead? And now you just show up here at the hospital clearly trying to get your old life back-"

"No! Not at all. What you saw… that was a mistake. I am not trying to get back into medicine. That is a chapter of my life I can never go back to, no matter how much I might want to." He took a deep breath. "Listen, I'm going to tell you what I can, and what I can't – you're just going to have to understand. You cannot push me for answers I can't give, and when this conversation is over with, we can never see each other again. EVER. Are we clear on this?"

"But why? Vincent, if you wanted out of our relationship you should have had the decency to at least tell me instead of letting me grieve for you all these years!"

Vincent sighed. "It wasn't a matter of wanting out so much as things having to be this way. I'm really sorry that you've held on to the past for all these years. It never occurred to me until today that you might not have moved on. I really hoped and though you would have by now."

Tears welled in her eyes. "Move on? You think as much as I loved you I could just move on?! Are you serious?"

Vincent reached up and cupped her cheek with his hand. "I really had hoped you would. Let me go, find someone else, have that family we always talked about…"

"But don't you see? I wanted those things with you. I wasn't interested in anyone else."

Vincent dropped his hand, starting to feel frustrated because this wasn't going in the direction it needed to. Not that he had those kinds of feelings for her any more, but she clearly was nursing the futile notion that he did. He needed to make her understand that she had to let go of it. "Look, Alex, I didn't come here to relive the past with you. I came to make sure you realize that by even knowing I'm alive, you are putting yourself in danger. When I get out of this car, I am dead to you again, do you understand? I'm not exaggerating when I say your life depends on it."

"Vincent what happened in Afghanistan? Why do we all need to think you're dead?" she pressed.

"Alex, I can't tell you that. In fact, I really can't tell you much at all. Maybe this was a colossal mistake coming here, but I had to get you to promise you will never speak my name again. Ever. Under any circumstances. You need to wipe me from your heart, your mind, your past – like I never existed. You need to move on. Because this? Us? It's never going to happen. I'm not the same man you fell in love with, and I never will be again. And I'm being hunted. There's a price on my head." When he saw the look of fear in her eyes he hedged, "It's not because of anything I've done, it's because of what I know. I know things that can never be made public, and until I'm dead, I'm a threat to those who would be hurt by this information. That's why I faked my death; to protect those I love. Too many people around me have already died because of this. I don't want to see your name added to that list. So can you please promise me that you will let this go?"

Tears streamed down Alex's face as she looked at him longingly. "You were the love of my life, Vincent. I may be able to not speak about you again, but I will never be able to 'move on' and get you out of my heart. That's the best I can promise you."

Vincent nodded. He knew that her emotions were too raw for him to argue the point with her. Maybe in time, someone would come along and sweep her off her feet and she could get her life back on track. He could only hope. "Alright, I can't tell you what to feel, although I do hope someday you'll find someone to make you happy. You deserve that and so much more. I'm so sorry I let you down and for all the hurt you've gone through, and if I could take it away from you, I would. But we can't always have what we want in life. This is just one of those times." He put his hand on the door handle, but paused before pulling it to exit the car. "For what it's worth, if there had been any other way for me to deal with this so I didn't have to hurt you, I never would have put you through this. I just want you to know that." Alex bit her lip to hold back her tears and nodded. Without another word, Vincent climbed from the car and turned to go. His super hearing couldn't miss the sob that escaped her, and when he looked back over his shoulder, he saw her slumped over the steering wheel, weeping. He felt like such a heel, but there was nothing else he could do. And truthfully, there was nothing else he wanted to do. Alex had been his past. But Catherine? She was his future. And his future suddenly wasn't looking so bad. He smiled to himself, as he disappeared into the shadows.