To stand by him
"
"The last time we were here I almost died." I said as we walked through the woods towards the train tracks. Chris liked to come here, why? I had a feeling it had to do with the fact it was private and almost no one else went there.
"That's not my fault." he called back grinning. Chris was definitely more athletic than I was. I was a klutz on the best of days, or just very unlucky, whatever it was it caused me to trip three times already over tree roots.
Chris was a good ten feet ahead of me moving as if he were Jesus himself walking on water.
When I thought I couldn't take another branch scratching my face the forest opened up into a clearing and we were now at the tracks.
"You look like you just fucked a tree." he laughed. I glared at him, he had a mean sense of humour. "Here let me help." he took three long strides then was fully in front of me. Reaching his hand up he began to remove some twigs from my hair.
"There."
"Wow thanks." I replied sarcastically. He kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand pulling me with him to walk on the train tracks.
Chris was in a good mood, I could tell by a few things; the lack of bruises and cuts from his face, the way his smile reached his eyes, the lighthearted teasing, and the way he swung our hands back and forth.
I wanted to know what Teddy was talking about last night, obviously there was something I was missing from the story, I wanted to hear the full version. Not the drunken Teddy version.
"Hey Chris?"
"Yes, Darlin'?" he asked turning in front of me, walking backwards. Damn, he is in a really good mood, I hope to the Lord he doesn't get angry.
"Teddy, uh, Teddy told me something last night-"
"If it's that he has been with the entire girls soccer team then he is lying! Only half."
"What? Ew Chris!" I laughed smacking his shoulder.
"He tells people that all the time, what was it he told you then?"
I swallowed and breathed deeply. "He said, you pulled a gun on Ace."
A look of confusion was the last expression I expected to see.
"I don't have a death wish."
"You and Gordie pulled a gun?" There was no mistaking the change in his eyes. No longer light and laughing, but worried but hopeful.
"Teddy was drinking wasn't he? Jesus I'm tough but I'm not that tough-"
"Even if he was drunk Chris, Teddy isn't the one to lie about things."
"He lied about the soccer team." Chris replied quickly a forced laugh, pulling away from my hand and walking in front of me.
"He doesn't lie about his friends, and you know that. What happened?"
He inhaled, a little too loudly and spoke with his back to me. "I don't know Teddy is the one telling the story-"
"You were Twelve Chis!" I snapped, cutting off his words and my pace at the same time. "You, Gordie, Vern and Teddy went off to find a dead body and pulled a gun on Ace and his gang. I want to know what happened. And don't you dare lie to me." Very slowly Chris turned around, he looked angry but he also looked defeated.
"God Fucking Damn Teddy."
"What happened?
"It doesn't matter."
"Something tells me it does! You're not a little kid anymore, Ace should have left you alone years ago. Yet he's still picking on you like you're an ant and he's the kid with a magnifying glass. Why you break down randomly, why you have this weird urge to protect everyone around you." He turned on me striding over to me eyes burning.
"Why the hell do you care?"
"Because I don't feel like I know you. God Chris, you know everything about me. I know nothing about you and I'm your girlfriend. I don't understand why you do things why you say certain things and it's hard to help you when I don't get whats going on!"
"You want to know why I'm so protective?" he demanded. I nodded, his demeanour changed quickly, and he shook his head. "never mind."
"What?"
"You won't get it." he said simply. I was angry then and my tone raised since his had quieted.
"What don't I get? Loss? Pain? Suffering? Humiliation? Try me Chris."
"She's dead I got nothing, my mom died and then I got my dad. You'll never understand it because you've never lost someone you loved." I was through with this calm conversation. Chris hadn't really talked about his mom, I knew she was dead but if he was looking for sympathy from me for this then he was not going to get it.
"At least you have parents!" I snapped, Chris turned and looked at me, his back straight and his eyes dark. When he spoke his voice was low and dangerous, like he was going to kill me if i said one more word, of course I knew he would never hurt me.
"My dad beats me and he hates me." If he wanted a war on who had the better life, and didn't want to tell me anything about him fine, it was on, I'll say everything maybe he'll admit to something.
"Yeah? Well mine didn't stick around long enough to even get an opinion about me. My mom was a drunk and a whore, she didn't get pregnant she got knocked up!" I was yelling and Chris actually backed away from me in fear. "All I was to her was a good fuck, gone wrong and I'm nothing more. I don't even know who she was, I don't even know who my bastard of a dad was, but I do know he was either stupid enough or wasted enough not to use a condom. They both left me, didn't want me, were gonna leave me to rot, part of me is happy I never met them but a bigger part wishes I had. Just to know how I came to look like this, whose blood choruses through my veins and to even know their names!"
"Anna please-"
"But I never will know, and you know why? I was a mistake, a mistake they tried to correct by pretending like I never happened. I'm in hell because of them and I can't even get mad at them, because it would have been hell with them too. So don't you fucking dare tell me I don't understand loss. I lost my mom before I was old enough to sit up right, and my dad was scum, they're probably both dead and better off there. But I'll never know, You got a drunk and a loving mom. I don't even know what I got."
"Anna stop!" Chris was stronger firmer now.
"So you want to stand there, and refuse to tell me anything about you, like I would never understand, while you know everything about me. Do you know how that makes me feel? Like my whole fucked up life is on display for everyone. Like I'm the last of my species and I can't find anyone else like me. So don't tell me that I don't understand, I wouldn't get it. I've been beaten, threatened, harassed, violated-"
"STOP! Just stop, please" Chris grasped my arms, head down his voice raw with emotion.
"You know what, what did your mom even have to do with anything?"
"Anna." he pleaded, looking up at me, his eyes were red and bloodshot. "Just please stop, I can't bare to listen to this. To see you in this much pain. I'll tell you. I'll tell you just please stop."
My throat was raw and scratchy and I knew I was trying to stop from crying.
"Jesus, you're not like most girls but you sure talk like one."
He paced turning away from me running his hands through his hair and down to rest on his neck.
"What I meant was, I lost my mom. I got my dad, I don't want to lose anyone I care about anymore cause I know how shitty life can get." He turned to face me, face red and muscles tense. "God it's a long story. . . .come on and sit down."
I walked over to where he gestured to the small shaded area under a tree.
"Okay." he said once we were settled on the ground. "You do have a right to know. . . Teddy, Gordie, Vern and me, decided one day it would be fun to go look for a dead body." At my confused look he chuckled. "We were kids. Anyways, a boy was suspected to be dead and we thought finding him would be a way to get noticed. You know all of us, we have shit homes and being known and loved, even if it was about finding that kid, sounded pretty good."
"So you went off to find the kid."
"I ain't gonna bore you with stupid stuff that happened along the way, what you want to know is what happened between Ace and us. Basically Ace was out for reward, and once we found, that dead boy. Gordie lost it, he started saying that he should have died not his brother. He broke down and was asking why his dad hated him, and it freaked me out. I thought my life was shit and then my friend starts talking about dying and it scared me!"
I reached out and touched his arm, he welcomed the contact and placed his hand on mine.
"Ace showed up, threatened to kill us if we didn't leave. We didn't want to bring him in anymore, we didn't want to reward it didn't seem right. I told Ace he was going to have to kill me, Vern and Teddy ran, Gordie pulled out a gun."
"How did you get the gun?"
"It was my old mans." he whispered. "Ace had to back down. He never got over that night. He should have moved on but he hasn't he has spent his whole life trying to get back at me. And now he's using you. That's why I'm so protective, I don't want anyone I care about thinking that they should be dead. I try to protect them so they never think that way."
"I'm sorry." I blurted out. I felt guilty I was prying into his life and not only did he admit to something painful but also something painful with Gordie.
"What do you have to be sorry about? You were right I should have told you." He whispered keeping his head down.
"But it's like I attacked you. Like I was blaming you for what happened between Ace and you all." He took a deep breath beside me and took my hand, slowly caressing the back.
"No, I would have been mad if you refused to tell me about Charlie or your dad. No more secrets Anna, I promise."
He leaned in, lips capturing mine in a soft, grief filled kiss.
"Why are we always upset?" I laughed.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead, speaking with his lips on my skin.
"Well at least we'll appreciate the moments in the future when we are happy together."
"Together?" I asked raising an eyebrow.
"I told you no more secrets. But I think it's no secret I don't want to be without you."