Chapter 17 – More Than Words Can Wield

Vincent growled in frustration. He couldn't believe she had hung up on him! When he told her to stop he didn't mean for her to cut him off like that. He gingerly made his way back to the ledge, in spite of the insufferable state he was in. He was dismayed to see Catherine lying in her bed with her back to him, as if she didn't want to risk being connected with him again. Oh really? he thought. We'll see about that… He hit the speed dial for her and heard it start to ring. He was more than a little surprised when he saw her pick up the phone and promptly hit "ignore", sending him to her voicemail. He dialed again, and she repeated the rejection.

Raising an eyebrow, he decided to switch tactics. He wasn't sure what had come over him, but he felt fearless all of a sudden. Maybe because on some level he sensed she needed him to pursue her this time; to not back away and be the insecure one. She needed him to be strong. That gave him pause. Maybe that's what she'd always needed, and he was just realizing it because of this new bond they shared…

His mind drifted back to their conversation the day before, and he felt like he'd been sucker punched as the full impact of what he'd learned about Catherine rooted itself in his consciousness. She was vulnerable; he'd seen it with his own eyes finally. But that kind of vulnerability doesn't just suddenly appear. No, he had to admit to himself - she had always been vulnerable with him. Problem was, he'd been too wrapped up in himself to realize it until now.

He turned and sat down, leaning his back against the short wall at the edge of the roof. For all of his physical strength, he had to acknowledge that he was emotionally weak. Damaged goods. Then Catherine had blown into his life like a tornado with her strength and conviction, fighting with him and for him, demanding she be given a place in his life. And he had been all too happy to let her love him and give him the emotional support he'd needed so desperately. But at what cost? He'd never stopped to consider that until now.

He thought back to all the times that his insecurity had caused him to push her away, while secretly hoping that she would push back; demand that he continue to include her in his life, consequences be damned. Many times she had done just that, and it gave him hope and strength to carry on, to keep dreaming that they could somehow share a life together.

But there were other times – times when she had retreated into herself, pulling away from him, sometimes saying things that pierced his heart like a knife. Those were the memories he needed to revisit now, and examine with new eyes. He thought back to the earliest days of their acquaintanceship, when he was still trying to convince her to stop seeing him for both their sakes. What was it she had said the night of her father's engagement party? Something about understanding what it was like to hide out and push people away because you don't feel deserving? He had thought at the time she was simply talking about him, but she'd said she understood what it was like. Was this her life too? Why had he never seen this before? Why had he never realized that she didn't feel like she deserved to be loved either?

Then he came into her life, all broody and needing, and what did he do? Did he ever once, with all his super senses, pick up on the fact that she needed him just as much? No. Instead, he'd ravaged her emotionally, telling her she could kiss whoever she wanted, callously saying they weren't anything to each other, that being with her was too big a risk; lie after lie that he told her in an attempt to protect his own pride and keep her from seeing how much he loved her, never caring that it was slowly killing her inside to think that he didn't share the feelings he now knew she'd had.

He recalled the night of the gallery opening, when he stopped by her apartment. She was clearly hurting from his heartless dismissal of her earlier in the day. He'd actually sort of felt bad about that one, especially after JT had convinced him that Catherine would only wait for him for so long before she moved on and that he should tell her how he felt. But when he showed up at her apartment, he felt like she totally blew him off. At the time he was afraid he'd totally missed his chance with her, when she'd told him to just stick to cases; that that was all they were to each other.

But as usual, he'd been filtering everything she said through his self-absorbed lens, hearing only what he wanted to hear. No. Hearing what he felt he deserved to hear. Rejection. But she'd said other things that night, hadn't she? Things he hadn't even tried to process. His eyebrows drew inward as he tried to recall what she had said. Something about letting her down easy… could she really have thought he was pulling back because he didn't share her feelings? That he thought she was… stupid, she had said, for thinking he would come over and share dinner with her, like they were a normal couple? He closed his eyes, replaying the whole thing in his mind, trying to remember what else she had said. There was something else he was forgetting, he was certain.

And then he remembered. She had confessed that she had felt their connection was destiny; that fate had brought them together. Which was exactly how he felt. But then she'd dismissed the whole thing by saying he'd saved other people. Why didn't he understand at the time that she was hurting inside, worrying that she had been foolish for thinking she was special to him?

All this time he had selfishly taken from her what she offered and he so badly needed, but he never once considered what he needed to bring into the relationship. He could try to blame his lack of interpersonal skills on the fact that he had been hiding out for the last 10 years, removed from any kind of social interaction. But the truth was, he'd let fear chart the course of his relationship with Catherine instead of love. He vaguely recalled something he heard in Sunday School when he was younger and his mother had dragged him to church. Something about perfect love casting out fear. Perhaps it was time to take a step of faith and put his own needs and fears aside to let the love he had for Catherine blossom and be the driving force in his life. After everything she had done for him, he owed her this; to love her the way she deserved to be loved – without reservation. He decided if she wouldn't answer her phone, he'd just have to reach her another way.

Closing his eyes, he focused all of his attention on her. He imagined holding her in his arms, the way he had at her father's wedding reception, pulling her close until their bodies were in contact all down the front of them. He had fought against his desire for her then, not wanting his body to betray how deeply she moved him. But now, in the privacy of his thoughts – and hopefully hers – he allowed his body free reign as he attempted to channel all of his emotion into a silent message for her. His breathing became labored as the scene in his fantasy became more intimate, reflecting the things he would have done to her that evening if they had been alone; the way his hands would have slowly caressed her, dipping below her waist to gently cup her beautiful backside and pull her close to his hardened body until there was no mistaking the effect she had on him. He fantasized how she would gasp, wrapping her arms around his neck and lifting up to gently kiss him, and how that simple meeting of the lips would have exploded into a heated desire that would threaten to consume them both.

He groaned aloud as he imagined taking her home and silently seducing her out of her dress so that Heather would be none the wiser, trailing his fingers over her heated flesh, teasing her until she wanted to scream at him to touch her where she ached for him...

His phone buzzed once. A text had come in. He looked at the display and smiled, then opened the message. Why are you doing this?

Still allowing the sexual energy in him to flow freely he managed to type, Doing what? Send. He hoped she answered soon. The heat in him was getting almost unbearable. He didn't dare try to alleviate his own suffering, not knowing what it would do to him physiologically. He closed his eyes and resumed his mental teasing of her.

Another buzz.

Ytou kjnowq ewhast! Vincent chuckled. Apparently she was feeling it as intensely as he was, if she couldn't type. His response to her was simple: Call me. Mere seconds later his phone went off.

"Yes?" he asked as he answered it. He was having a hard time keeping his voice steady under the circumstances.

"Vincent, what are you doing?" She whined into the phone. "You tease, and then when I tease back, you tell me to stop. Then you start it up again. Why is everything always on your terms?"

Ouch. That hit a little too close to home for what he'd already been thinking. "I'm sorry, but I needed to get your attention and since you kept ignoring my calls…"

"Well what did you expect me to do?" He could hear the tears of frustration in her voice.

"I had hoped that you would let me explain why I asked you to stop. Will you?" He half expected her to hang up on him again, but she didn't. She didn't answer him either, except with a few muffled sniffles. He took the opportunity to forge ahead. "Catherine, there is nothing I want more than to be intimate with you, I hope you know that. But the truth is, I don't know what could happen if I let myself get too, uh… well… you know." He paused until he heard her murmur to continue. "I know it doesn't seem fair, but when I'm in control of what's uh… stimulating me… I can control how fast and how far it goes. But this thing with you being able to-" He swallowed hard from embarrassment before finishing, "arouse me with your thoughts? I'm totally out of control and it frightens me. Not because I mind the thought of you… you know…" He could feel his face getting really hot . "It's just, if I feel like something else is going to happen as a result, I have to be able to ask you to stop before things happen that we both would regret. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"I'm sorry," she whispered between tears. "I shouldn't have pushed so hard. I guess we need to get used to this whole.. whatever it is between us before I start using it like that. It's just…"

"What is it, Catherine?" he asked in a gentle tone.

"Never mind," she said. "It's too embarrassing."

There was no mistaking what she was feeling though. Vincent smiled. "Hey. I want you too. More than you can imagine."

"Oh, I don't know," she replied with a little chuckle. "I can imagine pretty good."

Vincent laughed out loud. "Touché. You certainly can." He was pleased to feel some of the tension between them dissipate. "Hey, by the way… JT said that you have something you want to discuss with me? Some plan you and Evan came up with?"

"Yeah, I do. But I don't want to do it over the phone, you know? Thank God they told me I can get out of here tomorrow! Can you come over tomorrow night? I should be settled back into my apartment by then. I can tell Heather I'm going to bed early and then we can have the evening to ourselves."

"Sounds like a dream come true," he answered, his voice a husky rumble indicating just how appealing the idea was to him. "Besides, I have some things I need to talk to you about too. Things better said in person."

"Great. Then it's a date." She smiled. This time she wasn't going to back down.

Vincent thought his heart was going to explode. "The first of many, I hope."