It's three thirty n the fucking morning, and someone has decided to call Mal on the infernal device Regina insist she keep with her "in case of emergencies".
Well it better be an emergency of epic proportions because no one interrupted Mal's sleep and got away with it.
"This better be good" she mutters into the phone
"Aunt Mal?" Eliza's voice is a bit timid, very unlike her, and Mal's mood instantly changes from angry bitch to semi-concerned aunt. "Um, remember when you said you were the kind of aunt that I could call to bail me out of jail?
"I do." Mal groaned. Eliza's words were slow and careful, yet she detected the hint of slurring. She was probably out drinking.
"Well…I kind of need you to bail me out of another situation."
Mal sighs.
"Where are you?"
There's a pause and then she finally breathes it. "Top of the clocktower. Like, the very top."
Mal couldn't help but laugh as Eliza cut in "Please, I'm scared, you can laugh at me after you get me!"
It took a second to get her in a dragon form, taking her from the rounded top of the click tower, where she sat, clutching the spire of the building. She looked pathetic. Pathetic and drunk, dressed in clothes Regina would never approve of. Just great.
She flew right under her god daughter's shaking form and waited for Eliza to release the spire and carefully drop down on her back. It appeared Eliza wasn't so good with heights. She's careful and slow at releasing the spire and then as soon as she drops on Mal's back she's clutching her tightly enough to cut off circulation, her body still shaking.
They haven't discussed where Eliza was going, so Mal takes her back to her home, setting her down and transforming back into her human form.
"Where does your mother think you are? She asked, going to the kitchen to make tea.
Eliza is rubbing her head, makes her way to the couch with short, stumbly movements. Oh god, this wasn't good.
"Mom thinks I'm at Anastasia's for the night."
"Where did you actually go? Before the clocktower, that is?"
"I was at William's party." She says. William, the boy was a senior in high school, a bit of a troublemaker in town.
"I'm assuming William's parents weren't chaperoning this party?"
Eliza shook her head. "Someone must have called in a noise complaint, cuz the cops showed up. And then I was like "no big deal, I'll just poof myself home before David sees me!" So I did, but I mean, I had a magic malfunction and it didn't quite take me home."
"We don't drink and poof, dear. Your magic isn't going to work well when you are drunk."
"I'm not drunk!" Eliza insists, and Mal laughs.
"You're going to drink some of this tea and then you are going to take a shower, because you smell like cheap liquor and desperate teenage boys. By the way, where's your buddy?"
"What do you mean 'my buddy'"? Eliza is sitting on the couch now, rocking back and forth a bit. If she pukes on her good rug Mal is going to bring her right back to Regina on the spot and let Eliza suffer the consequences. But while she has her, she might as well teach her to not be as much of an idiot next time.
"I mean the person you look out for when you go out, the person who looks out for you to make sure you don't end up on top of a god damned clock tower at the end of the night. Where's your buddy?"
She's hit a nerve, she can tell, because Eliza looks angry, as angry as she is capable of looking. She looks young for sixteen, and she's tiny, a little pixy. Her big blue eyes always make her look innocent and sweet, and when her temper flares up she looks more cute than threatening, something that always amuses Mal.
"I don't need a buddy. I'm the daughter of Regina Mills and Robin Hood…and fucking Zelena. And I have magic. No one would mess with me." There's a pause and she adds, "everyone's afraid of me." Another pause and "No one would dare to even touch me."
The way she says that last line is so sad and almost wistful. And shit, this is about a boy. But Mal's not going to go there now, because what Eliza just said was already stupid enough.
"I refuse to believe you really think that" Mal said, bringing a cup of tea to her, sitting down next to her on the couch. "Otherwise Regina has raised an idiot."
Eliza's cheeks flare red with anger. "What in the hell do you mean?"
"You've got magic, your parents are some of the most important people in town. You're a target, Eliza. I woulda thought you would know that by now. How many times have you almost been kidnapped, or actually have been kidnapped? I mean Jesus Christ, think it through."
"Fine, random magical villain's aside, since word got out that I have magic, everyone at school is scared of me. None of them will even get close to me. It's like I have the plague."
Mal chuckles bitterly. "Oh, I wish that were true, Eliza."
"It is absolutely true." Eliza puts her head in hands and groans "God the room is spinning."
Mal takes out two capsules from her purse. "I've got a cure for that. Take these with your tea dear."
Eliza looks down at the two pills in front of her. "Advil and Tylenol together?"
"I've experimented enough to know it's the best combination" Mal said lightly, "trust me. Now drink your tea. And just tell me what boy or girl had you losing all your good judgment tonight."
"What makes you think this has to do with a crush?" she spat back.
"The fact that you are incredibly defensive makes it pretty obvious. Go on, tell me."
"Well if I did like anyone I'd be shit out of luck" Eliza says, "I mean, when we played truth or dare in middle school and people were dared to kiss me? They'd always joke about how they didn't have a death wish. It was a real dare, who was brave enough to kiss the evil queen's daughter? And now, I go to a party and I'm dressed…"
"Like a cocktail waitress at a strip club?" Mal finishes for her.
She's dressing a miniskirt and a low cut halter top with a bit too much makeup on (Eliza honestly needs no makeup at all, she's gorgeous, and it's frustrating to Mal to even see her with all that gunk on).
"Whatever, I'm dressed up and no one even gives me a second look. And then I overhear Tom and Will talking, and Will asks if Tom if he's interested in me, and he says "hell no, I'm not interested in being turned into a toad every time it's that time of the month, and…"
She stops when Mal laughs.
"It's not funny!" Eliza shoots her a frustrated look, but she's still a bit drunk, still a bit off balance, and she sounds more whiny than angry.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry you are missing out on these obviously wonderful grade-A catches, they sound like real princes. For fucks sake, Eliza, aren't you glad men like that are scared of you? At best they'd be a terrible bore."
"It's not just Will and Tom, it's ALL the guys."
"None of those boys are worthy of you anyway, so fuck it, wait a few years for one of them to grow up enough to be able to handle you."
Eliza sighed. "No, it's not going to change. It'll always be like this."
Mal chuckles. "Your mother was a great and powerful sorceress who burned villages and destroyed lives, and your father didn't let that scare him away."
Eliza rolled her eyes. "Great, so if I happen to find my soulmate in the small town of Storybrooke, I'll be fine."
Mal shook her head. "You're a beautiful girl, and you're powerful, and smart, and athletic. The right boy won't be intimidated by that. But right now most high school boys are terrified of being emasculated because let's face it, they barely qualify as men at this age. Give them time to grow up and get over themselves."
"I'm the only one of my friends to not get asked to the homecoming dance" she muttered, taking a deep swallow of the last of the tea.
Mal sighed, "And who were you hoping would ask you?"
Eliza shrugs. "No one in particular, it just would have been nice to finally be asked to one of these things."
"Well you are just going to deal with the fact you don't get asked to dances, you're too busy slaying monsters and going on quests to save the town. Many people won't understand you, and many will fear you. It comes with the territory. Get used to it and stop feeling sorry for yourself."
Eliza rolls her eyes. "Easy for you to say."
"It is easy for me to say, you don't think I went through the same thing, only a hundred times worse? And your mother? What did being special cost her, do you think? You have something we never had – a family to support you through this. Now you're going to rest right here on this couch. And if you feel the need to throw up, you're going to spend the night in my bathroom. That clear?
Eliza sleeps that night, considering Mal's words. She was denied a lot of the normal teenage experiences, and she felt isolated from her peers, but she had more family than she knew what to do with, and they all loved her unconditionally. And that was worth more than any boy or teenage romance.