Where's and Why's

by Moral Pass

SQ AU; As Regina comes upon her magic at age 13, she is sent down a spiralling adventure that leads her to the great loves of her life, and the answers to questions that should have stayed hidden.

4. Chapter 4

Five Years After

Regina's POV

I liked to watch her when she didn't know I was, that's when I could see her guard let down and her truly beautiful self emerge. Emma tried so hard to be the strong one, the stable one, she didn't think I noticed it, she thought I took it for granted, but I didn't. Not at all.

I just didn't know how to thank her without her getting uncomfortable or just saying it was 'no big deal' as she always did. I think she knows that to me, just having her here makes all the difference, if I didn't have her, then I don't want to know where I'd be. As I thought of Emma, my magic flared up, the leaves that decorated the forest floor that we sat in rose up and hovered around me, bouncing slightly. I smiled because it was beautiful, I closed my eyes and continued to think about forbidden love, I felt the wind pick up and the stray tree children swirled around me like a small tornado all of my own. I laughed, it broke my concentration, because now I was trying and my abilities didn't like that very much.

The leaves fell all around me, in my hair, on my bare legs. I plucked them out and shook them off as I stood, taking the canteen with me. I glanced over at Emma once more, she was trying to tune her cello. I don't know why she humped it with us, but she insisted. It was brilliant, she just saw it in the window of this antique shop in Wisconsin and decided she had to have it. She taught herself to play, she taught herself everything.

"I need it." She said, stopping dead in the snow and turning to face the window, touching the glass, her fingertips leaving prints after she removed them. I looked through the window to see an cherry wood cello, the bow hair was crafted from a mane of chestnut, it was beautiful. I smiled and followed her into the shop, the door opened, the bell sang with our arrival.

"Hello, hello!" A cheery voice fluttered down the steps to a second story. I glanced up at a frail woman wearing all yellow, her peppered hair pinned back with what looked like chopsticks.

"Hi," I greeted, removing my wool trench coat, leaving me in a sparkled blue sweater and black leggings with small pink polka dots littering the surface. The woman smiled wide and I returned it, turning to Emma who was feeling up the cello.

"Anything I can help you with?" She asked, looking to Emma, then to me. I frowned at my friend then looked to the woman kindly.

"Hi, I'm Regina." I said and extended my hand, she shook it lightly, with a fairy grip that I thought showed her fairy like nature.

"Lovely to meet you, Regina. I'm Sugar." She said, not letting go of my hand, but placing her other one over it instead. My smiled faded and I looked down at the conjoined parts in a state of confusion. "I'm sorry." She said quietly, her smile melting into a warm one. I took back my hand and folded my arms. "Would you like to have tea?" She asked.

I looked back at Emma, who was plucking at the strings, looking very concentrated. I watched her a moment with a grin playing on my face, turning back to the woman who seemed to be studying me intently.

I nodded. "Okay," I smiled once more. "Yes, tea sounds fabulous." She clapped and took my hand, pulling me up the stairs and into a room with walls of stained glass that had no pattern but were all colors, in all shades. If I wall is made of glass is it a wall? Or does the glass construction make it more considerable to a window? If so, then I was in a window dome. A windome.

I was sat down into a chair of velvet, the legs were the horns of rams. I believe they were rams, they didn't look like goats, or bulls. So, I'm going with rams horn. I settled into the seat and looked about the space. The walls were bare, the floor was of wood that looked nearly black, with scratches here and nicks there. The table between us was glass held up by a plastic leg, she placed two coasters on it, then mugs that did not match. Mine was in the shape of two hands, hers was a anatomically correct uterus. I laughed at that one.

Sugar smiled, she never stopped smiling, it creeped me out a bit. I was waiting for her to pull a scalpel out of her hair and slice me open, maybe harvest my uterus and drink it out of that mug. I laughed internally at myself, because if not me, then who?

She poured a dark liquid into my cup. "Earl Grey, I hope you like it strong." She said and sat. I nodded, I did appreciate strong tea. I sipped it and coughed, it was the tea equivalent of moonshine. "I should have warned you." She said and took a small sip of hers.

"I don't know what I was expecting." I laughed and placed the mug down, wiping my chin with my sleeve. "Your shop is lovely, Miss Sugar." I said, folding my hands over my crossed legs.

"Yes, it's unique." She said and looked about. "Can I ask you something?" She asked, her mug clinking against the class, she placed it beside the coaster.

"Yes, anything." I said, intrigued.

"Do you know?" She asked, I tilted my head. I had a feeling what she was asking about, but I couldn't be sure. She nodded, her eyes widening. "About the magic."

I sat up, my breath hitched in my throat. I brought my hand up to pinch my collar bone, as I did when I was nervous. "I, uh," I stammered, furrowed my brows. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I can feel it, I can see it in your aura." She said and sighed. "It's magical, for lack of a better term."

"Do you-" I leaned forward. "Do you know about magic?"

She nodded. "Yes." She smiled.

"Can you tell me?" I asked.

"What would you like to know?" She asked.

I paused and pulled a loose thread on my sweater. "I'd like to know everything." I said.

I think about that day a lot. The day that I met Sugar. That was the first day I met anyone who knew anything about magic, that was the first day that I felt like a person and not like a freak since before. I had thought for so long that it was only me, but then I knew that it couldn't be, because I wasn't that special.

Sugar told me that I possessed the magic of the Earth and the Moon. Which made no sense to me, because that could mean that I could just turn rock into water. I know now that it means that I have the ability to manipulate and conjure elemental forces, with the rule of Earth, With the rule of the moon, my powers are connected directly to my emotions. I had a good sense of that, as something always went haywire or broke or floated when my emotions fluctuated as they did often.

I had learned over the years through practice and discipline to control my magic without having to become an unemotional shrewd. That would have been boring, I'd much rather have been a walking accident. Sugar gave me books, I had read them, forgot them, but no less learned from them enough to get me this far without the feds finding out. If the feds found out I'd surely be captured and skinned alive. That would certainly be a step in the wrong direction.

It was Sugar who made me start searching, for more answers, more people like me. I didn't want to rid myself of my powers as Emma thought I did. I just wanted to know why I had them. I needed to know. Knowledge is power, bitches.

"Hey," Emma said, sitting cross legged in front of me. I closed my journal, the only thing I didn't and wouldn't share with her.

"Hey," I squinted my eyes to the sun, taking her sunglasses off her head in a swift move. She laughed and flicked back the stray hair that it let loose.

"So, I'm going to get going soon." She said.

"What? Why?" I asked quickly.

"I have a date tonight." She said, rubbing her shoulder.

I sank down and twirled my nail around in the dirt and leaves beneath me. "Oh," Was all I said. I hated that Emma always went out and found these.. men. These walking fuck sticks. That isn't me hating on men, that's me hating on the men she associates with. I like guys, they're cool to chill with, I wouldn't fuck one, but I'd do.. you know, nonsexual things with them.

Anyways, she doesn't know how to pick them. Actually, not true, she knows how to pick people as emotionally desolate as she is. So she can trick herself into thinking it's love because they don't know how to say things that they mean, but have no trouble saying things they think people want to hear. That's what her goddamn problem is. Emma is crippled, on the inside.

I think that emotions are important, I like them. Emotions can be just as freeing as they can be isolating. I try to tell her that, but she just gets mad. Actually, not mad, she just goes somewhere else and doesn't listen to me. I know when she isn't listening to me because she'll move her ears. It's a subconscious act of annoyance.

I know Emma, she's a deep and disturbed individual. Not deeply disturbed, but deep as well as disturbed. I love the way her mind works, she's intelligent and sees the bigger picture of things, but never tries. Once she gets out of her shell and allows herself to be who she is and can be, it's such a miraculous thing, what she thinks and where she goes.

It's a damn shame that she has no goddamn sense of direction in any sense that isn't intellectual. I guess that's how we balance each other out. I'm more interactive and outwardly in tune with myself, while she's more introverted and out of touch with herself, but that's because she wants to be. Emma likes to be inside herself so she can work out situations and create links between how's and why's of everything. She's like a science, she doesn't believe in blind faith or what if's, she only sees what's real and can be proven, what is seen.

That hardly matters, because no matter how hard she tries, I know that there's a soul down there. No matter what, because I've seen it.

I sat alone in my truck, blasting the Beats Me album by Psyched Up Janis. It was dark beyond the glass that that my fuzzy sock enclosed feet pressed against. I could see the stars, millions of them twinkling and shooting amongst one another. I tried to count them, but I lost track of the thought after around 2,000. I started thinking about all the things I wanted to do, needed to do, then what I was actually going to do, and that stressed me out.

I sat up, crossed my legs and turned the car on, moving my right foot down so that I could actually drive, because for a moment I thought that physics didn't apply to me because sometimes I could make a leaf fly with the power of my unrequited love for my best friend. Ha, if only. I turned on the lights and crawled up to the dirt road, there was a deer, I honked at it, it jumped out of it's skin, nearly, but not quite.

Chuckling as I carried on up the road, changing the tunes to Wayward Son by Kansas, as I was feeling in the mood to be sad about Destiel. I sang along loudly with the window down and the chill of the late January night numbing my face. I turned back to Tanked and Gone and sang that equally as loud. I smiled once the song was over and all I wanted was a drink of water.

It was taking a long time to get back to the city. We had came back to Seattle, to stay at the house, the one my parents left for me. We rented it out to people in the summer, sometimes for the Christmas holiday, as we did this past year. Now, we were back and it was fine. The house felt lonely and it reminded me of them. It reminded me of the past, which should have been left as just that.

That's my fault, because I'm too sensitive, I'm too sensitive, I dwell on the past because I'm still trying to figure it all out. If it really happened and what it means. I know it did and it means I should grow on this experience, but.. I just can't.

I could see the city lights, I inhaled it, the way it smelled, the way it felt to be home. This was home as confusing and spiraling as it was, it was home. I turned off the radio, content to listen to the harsh wind that billowed in from the outside. I let myself detach from the moment, and just breathe.

We lived on the outskirts of town, close to a small square of shops and other necessities. I could never remember the name of the suburb, but you get the idea. I pulled into the driveway and glanced up at the two story house. The outside was paneled wood with a gray blue paint, and stone lining the basement windows, the columns around the front and side doors, as well the first couple of feet of the garage.

It was a beautiful house.

I let out a breath and shut my car off, waiting a moment before I rolled the window up and headed inside. Emma's car was here, so that meant she must be too, or maybe her date picked her up. Either way.

All the lights were off downstairs when I stepped inside, it smelled the same as it always did; blueberries and downy. I ran up the stairs, because the light coming from my room was all I could see and I was just a little bit afraid of the dark. Especially after we had used that Ouija board in the attic and it had actually worked. Or at least I think it did, I mean, I didn't move it.

I stepped into my room and closed the door, locked it. Ever since we really moved in, Emma took up residence in the room to the right of the landing. It used to be Zelena's, but she lived in Europe or something now, never answered our calls. My calls, I mean.

With a sigh, I threw my keys at my nightstand, they slid behind it. I groaned, but that wasn't going to pick them up, neither was I. I turned over and slipped my phone out of the pockets of my shorts. I kicked off my sandals, leaving my feet clad only in stripped socks. I turned on some tunes, tunes being Domestication by Try The Pie. I sat back against the wall just as I heard the front door slam shut. The sound of something hitting a wall resounded throughout the house. Most of the interior was marble, so the echo was pretty impressive. I paused my music, turned off my light and peaked out the door. I saw Emma, pressed up against the wall by a black haired man wearing more leather than skin.

My lips twitched and I could feel the familiar hum of magic in my fingertips, pulsating. Emma laughed and pushed him off her, moving towards the stairs with his hand in hers. She looked to my door, I fell back against the wall, then I heard her door slam shut. There's really no way to describe how I felt right now, I knew I was about to do something idiotic, I could stop it, I should stop it. It was out of my control now, now as I slipped past the door, walked across the carpet to her door. I opened it, the knob burned my hand.

I saw the familiar walls of meadow green, familiar bed, sheets, mess that had been made of the floor. Emma was there, she was familiar, but the naked man beneath her, was not. I could see where he had entered her, I could see the fur on his balls, I wanted to throw up. He opened his eyes between breathy sighs and saw me, smirked. He fucking smirked and I imagined myself choking him, as if my hand were around his throat, I could feel it as he gasped for air but was never granted it, I could feel it as the life left his body, the useless life that he was given but surely didn't deserve.

I watched as he turned red, his eyes fell, the lust was gone and replaced by fear, he stopped moving beneath her and moved his hands from her waist to his throat.

"Killian?" Emma asked, looking down. He looked to her then to me, she turned around, she flung her leg over him. "Regina, stop." She ran towards me naked, I looked at her, then at him, then at my hand that was tensed, veins throbbing. "Regina, what are you doing stop!" She yelled. I started to tear up, I didn't stop, I couldn't, or maybe I didn't want to. "Regina!" She sounded so scared, she shook me, but nothing worked, because I wanted him dead. Emma looked back to him, eyes wide, then to me, she brought up her hand and slapped me hard in the face. I went loose, he fell forward and gasped for air, I looked to her with wide eyes, trying to tell her through them that I was sorry, that she should understand. However, she wasn't telepathic so I had to open my mouth, but what I could I say that wouldn't be a lie?

"I- didn't mean it." I said hurriedly, my hand clutching my cheek. "Emma, I'm sorry. I swear I didn't-" I began, but stopped when I saw the look in her eyes. Fear, betrayal, and I shut up. "Really." I said, I reached out and grabbed her hand, but she yanked it away.

"Fuck off." She said, turned back to the room. "Just, fuck off." She slammed the door shut. I nodded, bit back the tears that threatened at my eyes, because I cried too fucking much, and I wasn't about to cry again. Not over this.

The next morning I woke in a heap of a headache, in a bed that wasn't mine, or anyone that I knew. I looked to the side where there was a body of a young woman, a beautiful woman. I sat up, wearing nothing. I put two and two together, collected that I had indeed slept with this woman, and now had to find my clothing and leave before she could see me.

That lasted for all about three seconds, as my foot got caught up in the sheets and I fell face first onto the wooden floor. "Shit." I whispered, my leg coming undone. I stood, I was wearing one sock, so that was one less thing I had to find.

I looked to the woman, who was now staring at me through big brown eyes. I smiled awkwardly, very much so. She smiled back and then fell against the pillow.

"So, you wanna go get breakfast?" She asked, her voice muffled.

"Uh, I, uh, no. Aren't you not.. supposed to ask that?" I asked.

She laughed, she had a beautiful laugh. I smiled, not weirdly, but really. "I guess you're right." She said. "But what's the fun in doing what everyone else does?" She asked.

I laughed and nodded. "You have a point." I said. "Do you mind if I just, take a shower then?" I asked, raising a brow, silently asking for her name.

"Ruby." She answered. "Yeah, through there." She pointed to a white door just behind me. "If you.. shit.." Her phone rang. "Oh, no." She hung it up, rubbed over her forehead. "If you want to borrow some clothes, shirts are in the closet, pants top drawer and underwear bottom." She said in a haste as she stretched.

"Thanks.. Ruby." I answered and turned into the shower. I closed the door and pressed up against it. I fucked up, that much I knew. I remember.. nothing. I really remember nothing after leaving the house. Shit. Shit! No, it's okay. I'm fine, this is fine, people do this all the time, yeah?

I stepped out of the bathroom to find Ruby fully dressed, the bed still unmade, but my clothes folded in a nice pile.

"So, I'm going to be honest." She said, turning into the bathroom. "I sniffed up your clothes, and they stink." She put toothpaste on her toothbrush. "No offense, but I put out an outfit for you." She said and began to brush.

"I- yeah, I know. I was hiking yesterday." I nodded, walked over to my clothes and sniffed. "No offense... taken." I replied and picked up the outfit she'd chosen. A thin black hoodie, like made out of that meshy material, so not anything that could actually keep anyone warm, a red lacy bra, jeans that were light wash with rips, that looked about four sizes too big, but oh! A belt. I smiled at the clothes, at least she knew how to dress.

I slipped into my borrowed attire, the slipped into my sandals without the socks this time. Ruby emerged with a fresh face of makeup and her wavy hair pulled up into an overflowing bun. She was stunning.

I didn't know how I felt about having just fucked this girl last night, but she didn't make me feel bad, or unwanted, probably because she actually wanted to be around me.

"Ready?" She asked.

"Should I drive?" I asked, twirling my keys over my finger, until they projected out of my hands, and she laughed at me.

"No, actually, we were going to walk." She said. "Unless that's not something that you do?' She asked sarcastically.

"Not usually." I answered. "So, I just have a question-" I began.

"If you're going to ask me how you ended up in bed with me, I don't know." She replied.

"What?" I tilted my head as we stepped into the elevator, she punched the L. "What do you mean you don't remember?"

She shrugged, slapped her thighs and danced her red nails over her bare legs. "Yeah, if I did, do you really think we'd be going to breakfast?"

"I don't understand."

"Look, I don't remember anything from last night, I don't remember meeting you, or going anywhere." She shook her head as the doors opened, we stepped out. "Last thing I did was clock out- then I wake up in bed with you."

"I'm sorry." I said, because I couldn't think of anything else.

"It's fine," She elbowed me, smiled wide. "You don't seem like bad news." She told.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" I asked hesitantly.

"Something like that." She gave, chuckled as we stepped out into the morning air with a hint of a chill and more than a hint of overcast. "What about you?"

"Me?" I asked. "Wait, duh." I laughed. "Well, I was leaving my house, my friend and I just gotten into it, but it was pretty one sided." My cheek stung where Emma had struck me. Bile rose in my throat as I recalled what I had done, what I had almost done.

"You okay?" She asked, hands shoved into her pockets.

I nodded, looked over across the street to a man, unsuspecting. "Yeah, I just did something I shouldn't have because, because," I looked up into the swirling clouds, trying to come up with a truthful answer to that. "I guess because I thought I was in love with her, thought she was, too, maybe." I chuckled. "But, I'm a fucking idiot."

"Nah," She assured. "That's what love does, even when it's one sided."

"Guess you're right."

"Of course." She replied. "So what happened?" I turned away. "Come on, it's easier to tell someone who's opinion you don't give a shit about,"

"Maybe I do care about your opinion?" I replied as we crossed the street.

"Why would you?" She asked.

"You don't seem like bad news." I repeated her earlier statement, she just smiled down at me.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" She then mocked me. I laughed as we stopped she opened up the door to an old diner that was all red and white and windows.

40 years later

That's h0w I met Ruby, Ruby who I didn't know when I woke up in her bed, wore her clothes and never gave them back, or went to breakfast with, but who I know now, and who changed my life in more ways than I can tell her. Who saved me from myself, helped me run away from something.. well I guess I can tell the truth now. She helped me run away from Emma, and I needed that, I needed that more than I knew I did at the time.

I was so busy grasping at straws, straws that were etched with hope that we could have been together right when I wanted it, that I failed to see that she wasn't in a place where she could be good for me. I wasn't in a place that I could deal with someone like that in the way that I thought I could. It's really for the best, that I met Ruby, that I got to see the good side of things that I had chose to blind myself to.

I always thought that Emma would be my first love, my first real love. She wasn't, she wasn't and I couldn't be happier. Here I am, years and years later, remembering this, all of this. My life, how it was and how I thought it would be. Now, I see how it is, and I laugh because it's not in any way what I pictured it.

Now, it's my time to reflect and look back on it all. I'm happy, I'm proud. Most of all, I'm in control, now for the first time it feels like. How can I repay anyone for that? All the love in my heart I've already expelled into them, I'm happy, I'm proud, in control, but I'm empty.

I see now that that's my fault.