I am late. The most important day of my life and I am treating it like it means nothing. Except it does. It means everything. This is the day that determines my future – the rest of my life. After the night I had, I'm lucky that I'm even awake at all. I slept after coming back, but it wasn't peaceful... far from it. Visions of Sammy and Tara swam through my mind and kept me from feeling fully rested.
I am grateful for Ollie's text that woke me. "Where are you Reedo? You know you have to be here by 10 right?" He has my back and maybe I should start giving him more credit. He has woven his way into our group and not just because of Sammy, but because he truly is a good guy. Sure he gets a little mental at times, but who doesn't? He has some issues to work out – like how he thinks he is better than everyone even though he repeated third year – but that is normal for someone in his position. Our position. Mental is the new normal it seems.
Grabbing a clean shirt, I run my hands through my hair and race out the door, shoving my arms into the sleeves as I run down the hall. I check my phone... 9:55. I fly down the stairs and out the door, not stopping to say thanks to those who wish me luck as I rush past. Everything is a blur as I sprint to the studio. Don't blow this! This is your shot! My subconscious yells at me. I ignore it and pour all my energy into getting there on time.
As I yank open the door, I can see Ollie. He has his back to me, but as my feet pound the floor, he turns and the worry I see evaporates and a smile replaces it.
"Oy, Reedo! Nice of you to join us! You had us worried sick!"
"Yeah mate, I didn't sleep very well last night. Thanks for the text, you're a life-saver!" Ollie reaches out his hand and I take it and then he pulls me into a hug.
"Okay, both of you need to get a grip before I start vomiting!" Abigail says, trying to sound disgusted but failing miserably. As Ollie and I end our hug, I look at her and I can tell she is nervous. We are all that way. For more than one thing. Contracts, jobs, traveling, and of course, Tara. Even though we are here, it is easy to let our minds wander to the one who is missing, the one who can't be here even though she desperately wants to be, and who maybe even deserves it more than anyone else.
But I can't let myself go there, not yet. I am already wound so tight that if I think about her, then I will lose it completely and I have to hold it together. For everyone's sake. If I let go now, it will not be pretty. Come on man, I say to myself. Just a little bit longer, you can do this. The hallway is filled with hushed whispers and occasional sobs as the interviews conclude. As Grace goes in, I know she will be taking one of the spots, possibly Tara's spot... No! Not yet! I thought... A little bit longer!
"She's the Prix champion! Rumors about none of us getting contracts... gaining credibility," I hear Ollie mutter to Abigail a few minutes later. What? I lift my head and look over to see Grace shaking her head and Ben wrapping his arms around her in support. She didn't get in? Then there is still hope! Hope for Tara despite her accident! I always figured Grace was a shoe-in, but perhaps her bad behavior has finally caught up with her. Perhaps Rebecca isn't interested in talent for talent's sake. Maybe there is a method to her madness. I can't wrap my head around it! Could they really take none of us? It is becoming a real possibility. My heart breaks for my friends, especially for Tara... her future was becoming hazier by the minute. Before I can think too much more, Rebecca calls me in and asks me to have a seat.
"Good morning, Christian," she says in a very polite manner. "Thank you for meeting with us today. I know these are very difficult circumstances, but nonetheless, the show must go on, as they say." She smiles kindly and offers me a glass of water, which I politely decline.
"So," she continues, "We have been watching you very carefully over the past three years, especially this year. You got off to a rocky start, but have managed to make up all that you missed at the start of term. I must say that is very impressive. As a scholarship student, you are held to certain standards that others are not. Nothing personal, but we want to make sure that our money is being well-spent. We know you have suffered great loss during your time here and we appreciate that, and with the accident the other night, we understand if you are not entirely sure where your future lies. Have you thought about all your options Christian?"
What? All my options? I have more than one? Isn't it the company or nothing? Shouldn't she be asking me if I want to be in the company? My brain takes a minute to process her unexpected question.
"Well, it's been a crazy few days and I honestly haven't given it much thought," I reply numbly.
"I understand, but where do you want to be Christian? What are your long term goals?"
I barely manage to stop myself from saying her name out loud. Tara, I say in my head. I want to be with Tara. But I know that's not what she means. She means dancing. She means the company.
"I want to dance. I want to be a dancer for the National Ballet Company." There, I said it. Finally. It feels good to say it. As my admission hangs in the air, I see Rebecca smile and look from me to the two others sitting on either side of her. They return her smile.
Looking back to me, her kind smile still on her face, she says, "Well that's very good to hear because we have something for you."
I inhale sharply as she slowly slides a yellow booklet across the table and waits with her hand on top until I reach out mine to take it. I did it. I got a contract with the National Ballet Company. How? When? Why? My mind races as I try to process the emotions running through me. I look up dumbly to see all three sitting across from me smiling, and I can't help but feel my heart sink, because as much as I want to leap in the air and cheer, I can't. I can't react the way they so obviously want me to, the way I want to, because I know that no matter what, I don't fully deserve this. There are others – Abigail, Ollie... Tara – who deserve it more and might not get it.
Hit with this realization, I shove the contract in my bag, thank them and quickly make my way to the door. The others must see my scowl, because Ollie asks, "Reedo, care to share with the group?" I slowly shake my head, not meeting his gaze, and exit through the door in front of me.
The sunshine hits me as I exit the building and the floodgates open and I can feel the tears falling hot on my face. I can't help but think about Tara. She may never get her dream, and I have. I have achieved the goal of so many others and now I can live it out the way my mom always wanted. Thinking about her, I am struck by a strange thought... Is this what you want? Or is it just for your mom? Or for Tara? What do you really want Christian? The thought haunts me as I start walking, unsure of where my feet are taking me.