As the door closes behind me, I quietly walk over to the bed. There isn't any room for me, so I begrudgingly settle for the chair. I set my bag down on the floor and maneuver the chair as close to Tara as I can. She is still sleeping and I can't help but stare. She is so beautiful, even just lying there. It's an understated beauty that can be missed so easily, but once you notice it, it stays with you no matter what. For some reason, I expect her to look different, but even after everything she's been through, her fall and the surgery, she looks the same.

I gently lean on the bed and put my head in my hands, trying to keep my emotions in check. She may look the same, but I know she isn't. I can see the worry creased between her eyebrows, her mouth turned down in a frown, as if she is being haunted by the tragic events of the other night. I lift my head when I hear her mutter something softly and it reminds me of the last time I watched her sleep…

On the last night of tour, I couldn't shake the feeling that I should go see her, that she was waiting for me. Walking over to her room, I knew I had to be careful. I had no right to expect anything after how I had treated her, but I couldn't help wondering about her. She had been acting strangely ever since she had come back from her "rehearsal" with Ben, and I needed to know why.

I tried not to get my hopes up. I tried telling myself that I was just going to see her as a friend, but I knew that wasn't true. I was going to see her to tell her that I still loved her, that I wanted to be with her, that I hated seeing her with Ben. I wanted to hold her and feel her heart beating against my chest. I knew it was selfish to want something I had so carelessly thrown away last year, that coming back to her after all this time wasn't fair, but I couldn't ignore it and hoped that she felt the same way.

I hesitantly knocked on her door and when she answered, my heart fell to the floor. Her eyes were puffy and red and tears were streaming freely down her cheeks. It broke my heart. She began to close the door and told me go away, but I had to know what was wrong. I pushed the door open, blocking any attempt for her to shut me out.

"What happened? Are you okay?" I asked, as if I didn't already know.

"No!" She shot back angrily, her sobs catching in her throat. "I'm just sick of it... I keep thinking, when is this going to stop because I want so much to be rid of you! It was all I could think about during that ceremony."

Her words were like knives in my chest. Seeing her in this state, hearing the pain in her voice, knowing that pain was my fault, made it hard for me to stand there and not pull her into my arms, to comfort her. It was all I wanted to do, but I knew she wouldn't want me to, so I fought the urge and hoped I would get a chance later on. Instead I asked her a question that I was afraid to hear the answer to.

"Did it work?" The small shake of her head was all I needed, all I could have hoped for. It meant that there was still a chance. To make up for being such a jerk. To go back to the way things were before I ruined everything.

She was still crying so I offered her my handkerchief, and watched as she took it and blew her nose in a very unladylike manner, a smile spreading across both of our faces. When she asked me to come in, I felt relieved that she had changed her mind about having me leave. As she scrambled to tidy up, I looked down and saw an item of clothing lying on the floor that I recognized instantly. The bra that she had been wearing in the boys' locker room on the day we met. I smiled, bent over and picked it up.

"The original training bra... we meet again," I said, proud of my clever remark, and couldn't keep myself from laughing as her eyes widened with embarrassment as she hurried to grab it out of my hand and stuff it into her bag.

That night went better than I could have imagined. We laughed and joked, an easy camaraderie settling between us. It was like old times and I felt closer to her than I had in a long time. Even when the conversation turned serious, there was no place I would have rather been than there with her. She smiled sadly, held my hand in hers, because she knew what I was going through, why it had been so hard for me to come back at the beginning of the year. I could see the understanding and love in her eyes as we silently lay on the bed. Eventually, she closed her eyes, seeming to doze off and I was left alone with my thoughts. Just as I was about to reach over and brush the back of my hand across her cheek, she spoke.

"Christian?" As she said my name in her dreamy state, I could feel the muscles in my stomach tighten. It was remarkable how after all that time, she still had such a profound effect on me.

"Yeah?" Was all I could manage to say.

"I love you too."

That was all it took to snap me back to reality, erasing the magic of that amazing night. After waiting to hear those words for so long, dreaming about what it would be like, what would happen when she said them, they had the opposite effect on me than I thought they would. I thought they would give me a sense of peace and security, reassuring me that what we were doing was right. But instead, they made me realize that it wasn't right. Not because our feelings weren't real or because we weren't meant to be together, but because we weren't together. She was with Ben. Despite how Tara and I felt about each other, it wasn't fair to him for me to be here, gazing at her, yearning for her touch. It should be him.

It reminded me of when Tara and Ethan were dating and I had come between them. I should have been strong enough to resist, to not let my feelings get the better of me. I had been able to do that with everything else, but not with her. I hadn't been fair to her. I made her look like the bad guy when it was all me. But if I hadn't tried to kiss her that night in the park, if I had just let the moment pass, maybe we never would have kissed on the beach or started dating and I couldn't think about that. Even though we weren't together now, being with Tara had been one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Still, our timing could have been better.

Which is why, lying next to her that night, I knew I had to leave. Not because I wanted to, but because it was what was best for her. When she was with Ethan, I had only been thinking of myself, what I had wanted. And it had blown up in my face. But I wasn't going to make that mistake again. This time, I had to think about her. What she needed. When we had been together, all we ever did was fight about everything. Life, dancing, the future. We could never catch a break. And that's why, coming to that painful realization, I had slowly sat up, took one last long look at her, and silently walked out of the room…

Leaving her that night was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I knew I had to. For her. She wouldn't understand it, I certainly didn't, but I knew it was for the best. All I had ever brought her was unhappiness. Ben gave her what she needed. With him, she was free and able to enjoy life and didn't have to worry about whether she was doing or saying the wrong thing. He was easy going and laid back, where I was insecure and had trouble letting people in. I couldn't help feeling jealous. Not just because he was with Tara, but because he knew how to get through to her and what to say to make her smile. With Ben, she was happy.

So I pushed her away yet again. I made her believe it was all in her head, that I didn't feel the same way she did. When we talked at the lockers and she tried to commend me for giving up Romeo, I had to stop her. So I snapped at her, erasing her kindness with my coldness. I could see the pain in her eyes as my cruel words hit their mark. I could see the wheels turning in her head, wondering what she had done wrong. It made me sick, but I had to do it. I had to let her think that there wasn't a chance for us to get back together, that her feelings were one-sided. If she thought for one second that I still wanted to be with her, that I still loved her, she would come rushing back without hesitation. It was the only way I knew how to protect her.

But despite all my best efforts, she broke up with Ben. Part of me was overjoyed because it meant that she really did love me. The other part was scared because I knew she would be looking to me, to gauge my reaction, to see how I would take it. That's why I didn't react. Seeing her after she had broken up with him backstage, the way her shoulders slumped and the shocked look on her face after Ben told us both to stay away from him, all I wanted to do was hug her. Tell her that I was there for her, that it was going to be okay. But I didn't, because I knew if I did, it would open the same door I was trying so desperately to slam shut.

In the end, it didn't work. As much as I tried to stay away, I knew no one would ever compare to her. She was it for me and as I watched her dance at the festival with Ben, I couldn't believe how stupid I had been, how easily I had given up my role to him. All for some crazy idea that she deserved better. Don't get me wrong, she definitely did, but I guess that's not how love works. Whether it made sense or not, Tara loved me and I loved her and if I kept throwing that away, then eventually, I would run out of chances to tell her how I really felt. It hadn't worked out with Ben, but next time I might not be so lucky and the thought of her with someone else was too painful for me to think about…

Lifting my head from my hands, I think about all of the times I've pushed Tara away. All the times that we had disagreed on something and I had used it as an excuse to hurt her. There are too many to count. Maybe there's just too much history, too much baggage. Even after trying to make it easier by coming up with rules to follow, we decided we were better off as friends. My head knows it was the right decision, but my heart still believes there's a chance for us to end up together. And maybe there is, but not now, not for a while. I just got her back. We are finally friends again and before I can even begin to think of the possibility of anything else, I need to prove that I will be there for her when, for so long, I wasn't. That she can depend on me. That I won't let her down. No matter what. I know that if there is any hope of being with Tara in the future, she needs to be able to trust me again.