Hey everyone, I hope you are all doing better than me. In short, my eye is a bitch again, aka the uveitis has made its comeback. The pain and redness is intense (cries). I knew it was inevitable with the hot weather recently then back to rainy cold back to hot. My immune system is known for seeing weather changes as an attack then go all berserk. "Virus detected, can't find it, let's attack eyes" Everyone who's immune compromised knows the feels, I guess. lol
Anyway, back to better news, I finished another chapter which is hopefully funny enough, so as always, please enjoy.
1451. I am not allowed to try everything in my power to make people stop smoking
Selina strutted down the streets of Gotham when all the sudden she saw Bullock in the far distance, standing by the food truck. It seemed he just finished his burger and milkshake, and decided to smoke a nice cigar as a weird way of desert.
Selina wouldn't be Selina if she didn't stop him from doing so, for smoking is very bad after all.
It so happened a police officer just exited the alleyway nearest to her, but before he could process what was about to happen, his gun was being taken from its holster by the street girl, right before it was positioned neatly onto his right shoulder.
"Do not move!" Selina said to the police officer, which she didn't have to say twice. He was already frozen in place seconds before the order, and could only hope she wasn't going to shoot him.
Selina aimed the gun at the unbeknownst bartender in the far distance. She even shut one eye to get an even more accurate aim.
"Just…a…few…more…seconds…." Selina purred in excitement. She was going to enjoy her shot very much.
Bullock laughed and chatted with the guy next to him, his cigar hanging from the corner of his mouth. Well, that was until something flew past his ear, slicing the cigar in half in the process. Both Bullock and the guy next to him looked equally confused.
"STOP SMOKING, YOU LACKADAISICAL, BEER DRINKING, JUNK EATING MANIAC!"
The police officer commented at that, as he held his hand to his ringing ear; "Out of all the bad habits you just threw as insults, it's the smoking that pisses you off?!"
"Yes!" Selina nodded; "Yes it does!"
With that, the street girl returned the officer his gun and trailed off.
As for Bullock, well he was not only processing what just happened, but also how it would have been possible for Selina to take a nice accurate shot from the distance she had been at. Perhaps it would be smart to warn Alfred and Jim about it.
1452. I am not allowed to stare at people until they freak out
Nygma was having a drink at Bullock's bar when suddenly, he felt the hair in the back of his neck stand up. Usually it meant trouble was never far away, so he turned to look, very slowly. That's when he saw Selina sitting at one of the tables in the back, watching him so intently he suddenly felt like a tiny bird, or a mouse even.
"Stop staring at me, you crazy street girl?!" Nygma harrumphed before breaking out the door, screaming hysterical all the way.
Bullock, who lost another customer that night, shouted at the girl; "You do realize my bar will go bankrupt if you keep chasing everyone out, right?!"
Selina smirked at that; "I am doing you a favor, man! What do you think will happen to your bar if Gordon bursts inside one day to catch the criminal you call 'customer', huh? What then?!"
"You know what, you got a point," Bullock had to admit then had a sudden idea and smirked; "How about you stand at the door and stop criminals from getting in?"
Selina stroked her chin; "You mean, like a door guard?"
"I would call it a bouncer, but whatever suits you."
Selina sighed and said; "You know, I would love to say yes, especially if you pay me a decent amount of money, but I am afraid it might not be a good idea."
Bullock waved at her words, laughing; "Sure it will, trust me!"
A few days later
Bullock returned home from a not so busy night at his bar and plopped down at the kitchen table, before complaining to everyone why it suddenly was very quiet at his bar.
"I don't get it! Nobody but criminals wanted to grab a beer this past few days, but since that cat-girl is doing what she's paid to do, the bar stays empty all night. I don't even see the regulars anymore! One would expect my best friends would come, but no!"
Gordon grimaced at that and said; "Yeah, I was very busy, sorry."
Alfred nodded and said; "Same. Master Bruce happened to be a very spoiled brat these past few days. He kept giving me orders—orders I've never needed to do before."
"You are all a bag of liars," Sean said as he strolled into the kitchen to get himself a juice. He looked at Bullock and said; "The only reason why everyone avoids your bar is because of your psycho bouncer. I mean, she's the reason why you won't see me there any time soon."
Bullock thought for a moment then said, suddenly getting it; "So that is why cat-girl warned me and said it was a bad idea."
Everyone, sarcastic; "You think?"
"It pains my heart, but I'll have to fire her," Bullock said.
Selina, who happened to walk in just then, spat venomously; "You better not forget to pay me for the past few days! You told me to keep criminals out, and that is what I did!"
1453. I am not allowed to bring another one of Jack's crazy exes in crimes into the manor
"Hey everyone!" Selina waved then pointed at her new friend, who seemed the same age of her with long black hair, green eyes, glasses, and a purple sweater.
Selina grinned; "This is my new friend Alexis Kaye, whom I met last night at Penguin's club. Did you know she has her own gang named Royal Flush Gang?"
Everyone present slowly shook their heads in response, never adverting their eyes off the young girl. They feared if they would, the seemingly innocent looking girl would attack them from behind. It most likely was her 'crazy eyes' that gave off a killer vibe, or perhaps it was the make-up blushes on her cheeks.
"Punchline!" a sudden voice shouted from where the door was. It was Jack, and for the first time in his life he looked genuinely afraid. His face was pale (paler than normal) and his knees were shaking. He stuttered; "W-what are you d-doing here?"
"Well, well, well, who do we have here?" the girl said with venom in her voice. "Looks like we meet again, my joke to my punchline!"
Jack laughed nervously; "Ha...ehm...it's nice to see you again, darling...?"
"I am NOT your darling! I am your partner in crime, remember?" The young woman inched closer towards the green-haired teen, like a predator stalking it's prey. Her voice sounded bitter as she continued; "Stupid question, of course you don't remember. You left me after all, months ago."
Jack tried to look apologetic, hoping that would please her. "Yeah, about that...something important came up."
"More important than me?!"
Jack scratched the nape of his neck nervously; "To tell you the truth, yes!" Before the young girl could verbally abuse him, he quickly explained; "My stepmom, she went missing! We found her later not only teaming up with Nygma, but also with a chip in her brain. It makes her turn crazy every so often, trust me."
Punchline no longer inched closer, but the murderous glow remained in her eyes for another full minute. The apprehension in the air was very thick, and no one dared to breath. You could almost hear the shaking sounds of Jack's knees.
Then all the sudden, a loud maniacal laughter filled the room. Punchline hit Jack on his back, shaking with laughter; "I know she's your mom, but man, Gordon is so unlucky when it comes to woman! It really shows he has a certain type!"
"Hey!" Gordon felt too insulted to be scared and jumped to his feet, scolding in his defense; "Don't insult my type of women when you're even more unhinged and crazy than them!"
Bullock snorted; "The saying; be one to know one is very accurate in this case!"
Suddenly there were two daggers, one in each of her hand as she spat venomously; "Alright, which one of you wants to get exposed to my experiments first? I am sure you two will get along with the hundreds of homeless people I have locked up in my warehouse!"
Bruce was still not ready to fight villains as batman, so the only thing the captain of the GCPD and the ex-police officer could do was run—very fast.
1454. I am not allowed to challenge people to eat the hottest chip on earth
"Hiya, Bruce-y…" Selina walked in seductively then laid a hand on Bruce's shoulder and grinned; "remember you once said your spice tolerance is beyond everyone else's?"
Bruce looked up from his novel with a frown, responding; "No. I can't remember I ever said that?"
"Oh well...then it must have been Sean who said it."
"I doubt it," Bruce said; "Sean never exaggerates about his skills."
Selina shrugged nonchalant at that; "It doesn't matter, really. In the end, we both know you will do the hottest chip challenge anyway."
"There is no such thing as a hottest chip, Selina," Bruce said with a chuckle, but that chuckle disappeared when Selina showed him a box with a skull. His eyes grew wide, gasping for air; "Where did you get that?"
Selina grinned in response; "The future."
"I should know that by now."
Selina took the box, ready to slip it back into her jacket, pouting; "Oh well...if you are too scared…"
"I didn't say that!" Bruce said, grabbing the street girl's arm to stop her from leaving; "I actually think it be an excellent training practice."
Selina rolled her eyes; "You're so weird, you know that right?"
Bruce could only huff at that; "You can judge me all you want, Selina, but if a villain decides to poison the rich people of Gotham with spicy food, I'll be the one who won't be stuck at the toilet shit-ing!"
...Later…
When Alfred walked into the study to check if his young master would need anything, he found him not only 'bawling' his eyes out, but also sweating profusely from head to toe as he forced himself to chew down an entire black colored chip.
1455. I am not allowed to slap unhealthy food from people's hands and replace it with a bit more healthier food
Despite he was no longer a cop, Bullock still felt like he had every right to enjoy eating a donut or two—three works, too. Unfortunately for him Selina, who for some odd reason had turned into a health-guru, had a totally different perspective on what should go in his body. It wasn't the first time, after all. Her attempts of having him quit smoking was still haunting him.
Just when Bullock was about to bite his teeth into a delicious cake donut, Selina's hand came out of nowhere, quite literally, and swiped the mouth-watering pastry out of his hand. It fell to the street with a slight thud. Within five seconds, it was back into his hand, and ready to be bitten into.
"Hey!" the street girl shouted at that angrily; "Even me, a girl who survived on the streets without barely any food to eat, knows it's unhealthy to eat food that has been on the ground!"
Bullock smirked at that; "Sounds to me you never really felt what hunger is then." Selina drop-kicked the dough bun from Bullock's hand in response, however, he picked it back up just as quickly and said while 'dusting' the bun off; "Everything is still eatable according to the five second rule."
"Bullock, I swear, if you take a bite from that harmful, destructive, injurious, damaging, poisonous and risky pastry, I'll kick your ass into oblivion!"
Bullock grinned; "You forgot ruinous, malign, insalubrious, and detrimental."
With that said, Bullock readied his teeth to take his first bite, however, the sweet bun was punched from his hands, once again. This time Selina made sure it was uneatable by stomping on it. It made her boots dirty, but desperate times called for desperate measures. In the end, Bullock would thank her for being so considerate.
"You!" Bullock howled, but words were rendered from his mouth completely when the street girl brandished an oatmeal bar from her jacket then shoved it into his hand, telling him he could have it.
1456. I am not allowed to try hug Sean [for some reason it ruins his day]
"Sean-y!"
Fast as lightning, Selina rushed towards the street boy, her arms brandished wide as if going in for a big bear—cat hug. She embraced air instead.
"Sean! You come back, right now!"
"Forget it!" Sean roared during his climb up the fire ladder leading to the rooftop of a large skyscraper. "You ruined my day, you know that?!"
Selina wailed in response; "I'll I wanted was a kitty hug from my kitty toy!"
Later
Alfred was busy mopping the entrance hall when suddenly the front door burst open with force and revealed a very angry looking street boy. Alfred had to jump out the way if he didn't want to be run over. The bucket with water couldn't be saved, though, for Alfred stepped right into it.
"Master Sean, wha-aaagh!" the butler shouted as he fell to the ground.
Sean halted for a brief moment to glare at Alfred then said; "My day is ruined, all thanks to Bruce's psychopath cat!"
The teen stomped away and up the stairs while Alfred remained on the floor, mumbling to himself; "My day is ruined, too…"
There was nothing else he could do but scramble back to his feet and clean the entire hallway, again.
1457. I am not allowed to chase a police car in a vehicle pursuit
Selina took Bruce's brand-new car for a spin around Gotham City then, on the highway back to Wayne Manor, she heard a police siren right behind her. It didn't take long before a speeding car, followed by a police car, sped past her in a wild vehicle pursuit. Much to her surprise she saw it was Sean steering the police car whilst Gordon sat in the passenger seat.
Without wasting any time, Selina grabbed the single blue portable flashing light she ones stole from Bullock's car (back in the day) then rolled down the window and stuck it to her car's roof.
With a wailing siren, Selina followed in hot pursuit, shouting through a megaphone while steering her car with her free hand; "Officer cat-girl here, you are under arrest for being too darn hot! Put your vehicle to the side of the road for a thorough pat-down!"
Later the entire wild vehicle pursuit was broadcasted on the news, hence why Selina received a gigantic scolding from Alfred the moment she returned back at the manor.
1458. I am not allowed to drive around the city with Bruce gagged in the backseat
Selina threw a glance in the rear-view mirror directed at the youth in the back then grinned; "So you know, this is all the crappy jeeve's fault!"
Earlier
"This is the last time you use one of Master Bruce's cars without his supervision!"
Present
"So yeah, basically I had no other choice but to do this," Selina said as she continued driving around Gotham. In the backseat, Bruce tried several attempts to respond, but the gag in his mouth stopped him from doing so.
1459. I am not allowed to have a staring contest with Sean
Sean woke up and the first thing he saw was Selina siting atop of him, staring into his eyes intently. It was more than obvious she tried to provoke him into a staring contest. Sean wouldn't be Sean if he allowed her to just sit there, or continue staring at him, even.
The street boy grabbed his pillow from under his head and swatted it at the street girl, in a very violent way. Pillow feathers flew every other way.
"Stop! Staring! At! Me!" Sean howled, swinging the pillow over and over. "You psychopathic cat!"
Selina broke out the door like a cat trying to get away from danger, wailing as she went; "You are so NOT fair, my kitty-toy Sean!"
Alfred, who later found all the feathers scattered around the boys room waiting for him to be vacuumed up, shook his fist in anger at the street boy; "Master Sean, you really need to find another way to defend yourself from Miss Kyle!"
Sean simply rolled his eyes and said; "You should be happy we don't use wooden, or porcelain pillows…"
"I am pretty sure those only existed in Ancient China, Master Sean!"
"I know that!" Sean glared then continued, as he headed out the window; "all I am saying is, if we used those, you would had been cleaning blood instead."
Alfred was thorn between having a mental break down or an anger outburst.
1460. I am not allowed to climb to the highest point and sing the banana song
It was still very early in the manor, even Alfred was still asleep, but not for long for there was a sudden singing voice. A sudden, very bloodcurdling singing voice.
"Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-nana
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-nana
Banana-ah-ah"
Alfred and everyone else shot up in their beds looking around their respective rooms to check for possible danger. It was very common for Selina to hold an unwanted concert in their rooms, but this time it was obvious the horrible voice came from...the attic?
"Togari noh pocato-li kani
Malo mani kano chi ka-baba
Ba-ba-nana"
"Miss Kyle!" Alfred roared, poking his head up through the hatch that lead to the manor rooftop. Why on earth she wanted to stand there singing was a complete mystery. Alfred barked; "Whatever you're doing, stop it!"
Selina turned around the face the butler in his pyjamas and said; "Yo plano boo la planonoh too?"
"Wha-uh!" Alfred looked clearly stunned.
"Ba-na-na, ba-ba or PO-TAE-TOH-OH-OH?!"
"Miss Kyle, I am warning you!"
Selina simply took in a long deep breath then sang; "Togari noh pocato li kani malo mani kano
Chi ka-ba-ba, ba-ba-naNAAAHHHH!"
It was a good thing Gordon was there to stop him from pummeling the young girl all the way back to Gotham city.
I don't know why, but for some strange reason the latest chapters include at least one rule where Sean is a cop, haha.
Anyway, which rule was the funniest to you?