I'm wide awake. Usually I'm out as soon as my head hits the pillow, but not tonight. I think I'm trying so hard to fall asleep that it's having the opposite effect. A nervous energy runs through me and I can't seem to relax. I'm going to see her again. It hasn't really hit me yet. It's hard to believe that what happened today was even real.

I reach over and grab my phone off my nightstand and stare at her last text shining brightly on my screen. "Can't wait! See you tomorrow!" So simple and yet so meaningful at the same time. My heart flutters stupidly in my chest and I wonder if she is as excited as I am. After she left the studio, the day dragged, as if time was standing still. I barely made it through my classes. I held on as long as I could before giving up altogether, ending early just so I could text her.

When she called me back, it was hard to stay calm when all I wanted to do was jump up and down like an idiot. But I held it together and played it cool, asking her how rehab was and what she wanted to do tomorrow. We decided to meet up at the academy café. I would probably be at the studio anyway and the apartment she shares with Kat is close by which means an easy commute. Knowing her, she'll insist on walking.

I can't help smiling as I think about how stubborn she is… how she never gave up on me. Even when I broke her heart, even when her calls and texts went unanswered at the start of third year, she never stopped. I can still remember the excitement I felt each time I got one of her messages, when my phone would buzz and I would quickly yank it out of my pocket. They got me through the tough times. When memories of Sammy would overwhelm me, when it was hard to shrug off the stupidity of the kids I hung out with when I stayed with Raf, when it seemed easier not to care anymore… I would listen to her voice and it gave me hope that I could somehow climb out of the humongous hole I had fallen into.

Her texts were short and vague – hey, how are you, hope you're okay. But her voicemails were the exact opposite. Long and detailed, usually about the farm – her joey, the sheep, our favorite hill where we used to dance – then whatever crazy shenanigans the gang was up to once school had started. They always ended with a sincere plea to call her back, saying how much she wanted to talk to me, how much she missed me. I would play them over and over, wishing I had the courage to call her back, to face the one person I had tried so hard to leave behind.

Just as I am about to put my phone back on my nightstand, it buzzes. My pulse quickens, hoping it's her. No such luck. It's Kat. Why is she calling this late? It's almost midnight. My excitement quickly turns to fear. What if something is wrong? What if Tara's hurt? What if she needs me?

I sit up quickly and answer, failing to keep the panic out of my voice. "Kat? What is it? Is everything okay?"

"You tell me Christian! I hear you have plans tomorrow!"

Relief rushes through me. Tara is okay. And she has obviously told Kat about meeting me and Kat, being the protective best friend that she is, has brought it upon herself to put me in my place.

"It's just coffee Kat," I reply, unable to hide my frustration. I lie back down and run my fingers through my hair.

"Be that as it may, I'm warning you Christian! Tara has had enough disappointment to last a lifetime and she is really excited about this and I swear if you somehow manage to mess it up and hurt her again, it will be the last thing you do!"

"I know-"

"Do you?" She asks, cutting me off. "Please tell me what took you so long to realize how stupid you were being? I'm dying to know because nothing I ever said seemed to stick!"

It's hard to ignore the anger in her voice. I've only heard her like once before. When we talked outside the rehearsal studio and she told me that Tara was happy with Ben, that she was over me for good, her words hurt more than I thought they would. I wasn't ready to think that Tara and I might never be together again, that she didn't love me anymore. Still, I wasn't going to let Kat peg me so easily. I wasn't going to let her know how right she was. So I pushed my feelings aside, kept my distance, stayed out of Tara's way and avoided any situation where we might be alone together.

But I can't afford to do that anymore. I can't keep pretending that there isn't something between us. Maybe it doesn't make any sense but when has my life ever made sense? From my dad taking off to losing my mom to my brother leaving me to fend for myself when I got arrested…

I hated being at the academy, knowing that the only reason I was there was because of some fixed arrangement. Not because it was my dream or because I chose to be there, but because I had no choice. It was dancing or detention, which made me resent it with every ounce of strength I had. And when it came to Tara – seeing how much she loved being there, how much she belonged, how she was meant to dance – it was just easier to be mad at her for having it all figured out when I felt like I was drowning. I was never comfortable talking about my plans for the future, what I wanted to do with my life. But no matter how much I tried to keep her out, she always found a way in. No matter how angry I was at her or how many times she did something so crazy that it made me wonder why I even loved her, I couldn't seem to shake her, to get her out of my system. Even after we broke up. Even when Kat and I were together.

When Kat ended it, I knew I was still in love with Tara. The only reason I protested so much was because it was yet another thing that I had no say in. Another choice taken away from me. When I broke up with Tara, I was in control. She was the one who didn't have a choice. It made me feel powerful, like my voice was finally being heard. It was hard to let go of my issues, instead carrying them around with me, using them as a way to keep everyone out. Especially Tara. She got closer than most but as soon as she told me about finding my dad, I shut her down quickly, not even giving her a chance to explain.

But not this time. This time it will be different. I will be different. Seeing her this morning in the studio, holding her in my arms, kissing her for the first time since that day in the pool, made me realize how empty my life has been without her, how much I need her… how much I love her. When everyone else had stopped calling, stopped texting... stopped caring, she never did.

"Kat, I… I ruined everything! It's all my fault! I thought leaving her alone was better than screwing everything up again. She is so good and I'm… not. I'm not good enough for her. She deserves so much better-"

"But she wants you Christian! Tara has never cared about any of the stupid stuff you did! She knows how much you regret it. You can't let that get in the way of what you want… who you want-"

"But-"

"You can't change the past but you can keep it from repeating itself. Don't waste any more time Christian! She's been waiting for you for so long. She loves you and I know you love her too."

The sincerity in her voice tugs at my heart. It has to be hard for her to say this. It's been less than a month since Jamie broke up with her and she hasn't taken it very well. He claimed it was because she didn't have time for him, which was sort of true with her flying back and forth to Los Angeles for auditions. But this is Kat. She is amazing! Bubbly and upbeat, the best friend anyone could ever ask for, a force to be reckoned with, a girl that any guy should thank his lucky stars to be dating; and seeing her sad and alone hasn't been easy.

"Are you okay Kat?" I ask, even though I know the answer. Of course she's not okay. Hence the phone call. Her heart is broken and she's trying to keep the same thing from happening to Tara. A mission of mercy so to speak.

"As good as I can be." Her voice is soft and shaky and it makes me want to punch Jamie in the face! How dare he do this to her? How dare he hurt her? I know I'm no one to judge, that I've made mistakes and messed things up, but it's not the same thing. We trusted him, accepted him into our group, called him our friend! What gives him the right to make her feel like she's the problem? That following her dream was getting in the way of his happiness! She's so special! So talented! She deserves to do whatever makes her happy.

"I try not to think about him. I try not to wonder where he is or what he's doing. Easier said than done I guess. But that is irrelevant. This is about you and Tara, not my pathetic sob story! Jamie and I may be over but that doesn't mean I don't believe in happy endings! So... you have my blessing Christian but like I said before, if you hurt her again, it won't end well for you!"

"Trust me Kat, if I hurt her again, you have my permission to dish out whatever punishment you see fit."

"Can I have that in writing?"

"I'll get right on that…"

Silence stretches between us and when she doesn't make an effort to hang up, I add, "You know you can call me any time, right Kat? If you ever need to talk, I'm here… if you want."

"Thanks Christian…"

"No worries. And thank you Kat."

"What are friends for? Well, I should let you go… you need plenty of beauty sleep for your date tomorrow-"

"It's not a date!" I exclaim, cutting her off.

"Uh-huh yeah, okay," she drawls. "I didn't believe Tara when she said it and I don't believe you either."

"Suit yourself."

"Ooooh burn! How long have you been practicing that one?" She teases.

"Haha very funny. But really, it's just coffee."

"Fine, if you say so… backing off now!"

"It's a miracle!"

"Night Christian."

"Night Kat."

I hang up and put my phone back on my nightstand, Kat's words fresh in my mind. She loves you so much… I don't know why Tara still loves me, why she still wants anything to do with me. I have done nothing to deserve her. How can I ever make up for what I put her through? I close my eyes and cover my face with my hands as I think of all the horrible things I've said to her…

"I don't need your help Tara, I'm fine without you!" "You can't guilt me into getting back together with you because it's not going to happen!" "Can't you see how desperate you look? I don't know how to make it any clearer, I do not want to be with you okay?" "I show you the smallest amount of attention and suddenly, you're in love with me! Nothing happened!"

My stomach churns in disgust. I've made such a mess of things! If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be in this situation. We wouldn't be struggling to piece our relationship back together. I wouldn't have to imagine how hard the last few months were for her because I would know. I might even be with her at this very moment, lying next to her, holding her, running my fingers through her hair, brushing my lips against hers… I shake my head in frustration. At this rate, I'll never get to sleep. And I have to sleep.

With that thought running through my mind, I grab my phone and quickly text "See you then!" Then I put it back down, roll over and close my eyes.