Inigo stood still in the dark and held his breath. The supply closet might be the one safe place in the whole camp. The one place where no-one was after him, Noire couldn't fill him with arrows, Kjelle wouldn't pummel him senseless, and Lucina couldn't yell at him for his brain being filled with rainbows. Yes, he was alone, and that was unfair to all the beautiful women of the world. But he was also alive, and they could wait. For now alone was safe.

"Cough"

Someone was coughing behind him. Suddenly, Inigo was not alone.

"Cough."

No. Someone was saying cough. That went past not-being-alone into being in a very small space with a total lunatic. Inigo knew a few total lunatics. Some of his closest friends were total lunatics. But none of them were the kind of people you wanted to be locked in a supply closet with. Well, maybe one or two, but even then it was risky.

"Cough!"

A lunatic who wanted him to know she was there. Inigo turned around. At least he'd see the stab wounds coming.

"Hey Inigo. Funny meeting you here!"

Morgan. Inigo had bad experiences with women recently, tragic fact of life, but most of them had the courtesy to go away at the end. Morgan liked watching the whole disaster AND any followup disasters.

"Morgan. Why are you here?"

"Why are any of us here? No, you're right. Why I'm here is a much better question. Everyone else seems to know why they're someplace."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I know. I was trying to buy time for a good response. Kinda forgot."

Inigo sighed. Of course she did. Then Morgan jolted in place.

"Oh, right! I was waiting for you. I knew you were going to hide in here."

"Perfect. That only leaves me wondering why."

"I thought you'd know. I mean, with all the women you've driven into jealous rages, it seems like you should recognize why sometimes you need to run."

"Jealous rages?"

Inigo smiled. He knew it! Those hard to get acts were just acts. Half the camp must want him by now. Well, good news for the women of the world. There was enough Inigo to go round. Of course, finding a way to juggle his time would be difficult with his responsibilities, but that was a small price…

"Yep! They're all jealous of the girls you aren't hitting on."

"Perfect."

"Well, I'm one of the people they're jealous of. So it's tough for me too."

Inigo sighed.

"Was that all for today? A reminder of your attitude on my philandering? Because I'm sure there's some lucky woman out there…"

"I am too! Which is why today's your lucky day!"

"Why?"

"Because today only, you've secured the services of Ylisse's second finest tactician exclusively for aid in your romantic pursuits! There's probably someone who would give you a chance, and we're going to find her. ...Or him."

"Her."

"Are you sure you want to narrow your options like that? I'm not sure we can afford it."

"Yes."

"Alright! Operation impending disaster is off to a great start! We'll get your love life turned around in no time. You know. Once we find a way to get outside without getting you killed by Kjelle."

Inigo was still fuzzy on the details of the plan when he was safely out of the supply closet and at a table in the mess hall. All he knew for sure was that every part of it was humiliating, and that, as he was still alive, it worked. Morgan was chattering away already. Inigo smiled and nodded.

"Now, we need to start by figuring out what you're looking for in a date. Nothing too detailed, but little things. For example, a good figure, archery talent, a tendency to go slightly insane…"

"Let's not go with those. There are so many women in the world, it's hard to narrow it down to just one dream girl. It would be a crime to leave only one woman able to experience the divine gift Naga left to all womankind."

"So, you want someone with a good sense of humor. That's a start."

"What? I mean, a woman who laughs at my scintillating banter is a fine start. Of course, she'll love puns. All women do."

Morgan winced.

"Oh. I thought you were making a joke. Because the way things work, we'll be lucky to find one woman who doesn't want to kill you. Try to narrow things down."

"Oh, fine. The sophisticated, mature type has her charms. An older woman, perhaps. With…"

Morgan shook her head.

"Speaking for us mature women everywhere, we're not interested."

"You're younger than I am!"

"That's just my natural good looks and ageless charm. Also the amnesia thing."

Morgan tapped on her pointed ears.

"I'm probably the oldest person in the Shepherds other than mom. Who also doesn't think much of your routine. You need someone too young to have picked up on all your tricks."

"A shame. All those years, and all of them wasted. Too old to appreciate the finer things when they really arrive."

"I dunno. Mom likes Tome Stackers pretty well. But we're wasting time! We're on a deadline, and every second wasted is a second the one woman for you could be falling for Gerome!"

"I'm sure…"

"Tick! She's looking at his muscles!"

"What does he…"

"Tick! His broody act is making her heart flutter!"

"You're…!"

"Tick! She's thinking about what his eyes look like behind the mask!"

"Alright! Fine! I'll cooperate!"

Morgan didn't respond for several seconds. Then she shook her head.

"Sorry. I was imagining myself lost in Gerome's eyes. I bet they're dreamy. So! Where were we?"

"You wanted me to describe my dream woman."

"Right! So, what did we have?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just a beautiful woman who appreciates the little things in life."

"Which means that she can be entertained on a budget. Likes… cheap… women. Got it!"

"That isn't what I said!"

"But what matters is what you meant. Go on. This is great data!"

"Well, of course every woman has her unique charms, but I like to think that the…"

Morgan snapped her fingers. Inigo sighed.

"Why must you ask me to narrow the vast array of female charm to just one point?"

"Well, part of the idea was to get you to stop saying things like that. I guess we can delay that until later in the relationships. Assuming you can get past the first date at some point. I'll try to find... anyone. You stay at the table. Just stay there. Oh! And here's some cue cards!"

Morgan vaulted the table and dashed out of the tent. Inigo sighed and looked down at the papers in front of him.

"Don't be yourself!"

"People like it when you compliment things other than their bodies first! So do Manaketes."

"All your pickup lines are terrible."

"Women aren't universally fond of puns."

"Don't use puns."

"Your puns cause people physical pain."

"I think people are planning to kill you for some of those puns."

"Remember, statistically speaking, most women you know can break both your arms if you keep making puns."

"I mean, I think they're funny, in a pathetic way, but…"

Inigo crumpled up the set. What did Morgan know? She was just a girl, really. Too infatuated with books and games to understand the world of the heart. Inigo was a man of romance. His bad luck so far was just that. Bad luck. The next time he'd meet a woman, things would go much better.

Inigo looked up to see one walking up to him already. Perfect. Morgan was standing next to her. Well. Time to show her how things were done.

"Did heaven lose an angel? Because..."

Morgan winced. Obviously, she wasn't expecting this level of sophistication this early.

"Inigo, you know Anna, right?"

"Of course. I could never forget a vision of such loveliness. How could I confuse our foremost merchant with anyone else?"

Morgan winced harder.

"This is her sister. Anna."

Inigo smiled. A good smile covered everything. It kept away loneliness, it hid insecurity, and it certainly would help with one or two little lies.

"I'm sorry for my little joke. I would recognize her anywhere. How could anyone mistake her for her sister? Your eyes are much more beautiful, my dear. The richest green..."

"My eyes are brown."

Inigo looked up. Dammit.

"So are my sister's. Good thing you're rich, handsome, because I wouldn't be here on personality."

"Despite all my charms?"

"Rich is the best kind of charm. Keep talking about the money."

Inigo flashed his best disarming smile, the one that women the world over were bound to love.

"Well, you see my dear, the thing of it is…"

A few seconds later, Anna was storming out the door, Inigo had a bowl of molten soup on his head, and Morgan was chasing after the merchant, yelling into the distance.

"Well, his father's… whatever Virion is. So that's LIKE being rich! Technically, I wasn't lyyyyiiiinnnngggggg!"

After a few seconds, she trotted back to Inigo's table.

"Well. That could have gone better."

Inigo coughed out a large piece of beef.

"Really?"

"I know. Given your track record I wouldn't believe it either."

"I'll have you know..."

"Don't worry!"

Morgan smiled. If he didn't save the term exclusively for his own winning plays, Inigo would have said she was trying to be disarming. As usual with Morgan's smiles, it just made him more nervous.

"She's not the only person I talked into trying to tolerate you."

"Trying? I'll have you know..."

"I know you're trying already. But maybe there's someone who likes that kind of thing! Plus, this was a lunch date. Everyone knows lunch dates are mediocre at best."

"Not a handicap for any real romantic."

"I'm glad we agree it's not helping you. Fortunately, I set up a nice walk in the cherry blossoms. Very suave."

Morgan grabbed his hand and ran out into the blazing sun. Inigo dashed after her, if only to keep his arm in its socket. It was easy to forget how strong she was when she was just bounding from place to place. Then you had to deal with her, and it all came back in a rush.

The blossoms were in full bloom, and there was a woman waiting for him under. She was stern looking and a bit older than his ideal, but there was still a certain charm. Inigo was about to open his mouth when Morgan clamped it shut.

"I should talk to her."

Morgan walked up to the woman and bowed. The woman bowed back. Then they began gibbering at each other. For the first time, Inigo wished he'd paid attention when his father mentioned language courses.

I bring forward the heir to Roseanna. I understand that, given… uh, everything, he's not exactly a catch. But the important thing is, I made an effort.

The woman looked at Inigo and sighed. Inigo tried to look dashing.

I can see why you would bargain with such a lowly house. I'm afraid the heir to the province is… unable to attend at the moment.

I one HUNDRED percent understand. I mean, we're at war.

Is he literate? He seems to be a complete imbecile.

Morgan shrugged. Inigo suspected they were talking about him. He flashed a winning smile. Morgan turned back towards the woman.

Yes. Also yes. Both of the things you said were true.

The woman winced, then handed Morgan a stack of papers.

Have him complete these.

Morgan smiled and snapped a salute before walking back to Inigo.

"Great news!"

"She's already enraptured by my foreign charm?"

"No. No. Nope. But she did give us a pass for the first stage of the interview. If you fill out all these forms, and your responses are acceptable, and no-one better comes along, you should have a date within… six to ten weeks. Assuming we don't get killed first."

Inigo tossed the papers aside.

"In case you didn't notice, Morgan, I'm a man of passion. I win a woman's heart with my looks and talents, not with… paperwork. Tell her that if she wants me, we can get to the heart of things here and now!"

"I think that might be an act of war."

"Love is a battlefield, Morgan! And there, I'm…"

"I think dad would get angry at me if I let you start a war. Also she's leaving already."

Inigo looked over to where the woman had been. She was gone already, without so much as a goodbye. A callous way to treat a lover's soul.

Morgan coughed.

"Oh. Just for future reference, don't refer to yourself as a 'lover'. It's creepy."

"I can't see who would mind."

"Everyone? I think Severa said you were half the reason she was giving up on men."

Inigo shook his head.

"There's a world of women out there, Morgan, and I'm sure one of them will recognize what I have to offer."

"I'm just saying not to use the L word on the first date. And, lucky for you, I've saved your best chance for last."

"Sure to be a disaster, like your last attempts. If you simply allowed me to demonstrate…"

"I have. The only reason I'm helping you now is seeing you fail for yourself stopped being funny. I thought a break might help it be hilarious again."

Inigo glared at Morgan.

"Fine. Why should this go any better than your last attempts at matchmaking?"

Morgan smiled right back.

"Well, because she's perfect for this. We already know she has the potential to like you, if you don't screw up too badly. Beautiful, intelligent, she shares a lot of interests with you, and she's in the market for a date right now."

Inigo scratched his chin.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. You couldn't find someone better on your own. I've reserved the table at dinner, Brady's agreed to play violin, it's basically as can't-miss as anything. I think dad would be impressed with this one, and he's, you know, DAD."

"Fine. I'll prepare. Dinner's at…?"

"Six."

"I'll be there at five. Women appreciate a man who's fashionably early."

"I have not heard that before. But good enthusiasm!"

Morgan walked away to do whatever mad things she set up in her own time, and Inigo returned to his private corner of the camp. Even if Morgan's track record was somewhat spotty, this was an opportunity not to be missed. A beautiful woman, fine dining (he checked, of course, and Sumia was preparing the meal. If it had been Sully, Inigo might have passed up on the whole thing.), and a perfect opportunity to demonstrate his unmatched romantic talent. He found the finest cologne, the one that he had spent several months of hard earned coin on, and spritzed it on. (It was impossible to believe that Severa had compared it to yak vomit.) He adjusted his clothing, brushed his hair, and practiced his smile. Yes. This would be perfect.

He arrived in the mess hall at five on the dot. Prepared a table. Lit a candle. And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

At five minutes after six, Morgan walked over to his table.

Inigo smiled.

"I should have known. You were interested in me all along. This whole thing was just a play to try for my heart."

Morgan smiled. She also seemed like she was about to start laughing.

"I just came here to tell you you were at the wrong table."

She gestured towards the corner. Inigo stood up, and walked over.

"I'm sorry about that. A woman of your beauty should never be kept waiting. Now, what did…"

Inigo looked across the table.

A wyvern looked back at him.

"Hrrph."

Inigo turned around, and walked back to Morgan's table.

"MORGAN!"

"Hey Inigo! How are you and Minerva getting along?"

"You set me up with a wyvern!"

"Well, you've tried to date a dragon. I thought you'd get along great. What seems to be the problem?"

"I prefer to date within my species!"

"If everyone was so narrowminded, I wouldn't have been born. Besides, you pretty much sunk your chances with every woman I could think of. I had to go for the unconventional tactics."

"This is just a joke to you now, isn't it?"

"What? No! I worked hard on it! This is the fruit of long hours of effort. Days of concentrated thought! Weeks of planning! This was really important to me, Inigo!"

Morgan's eyes looked like a kicked puppy's. Any second now, she'd start whimpering. Inigo sighed.

"I appreciate that. But, if you're done, I feel like I'd do better on my own. After all, there's a wide world of women out there, and if I let these little failures deter men, then I would be..."

Morgan's eyes snapped back to normal before he was done with the sentence.

"Wellll... there is one last thing we could try. Maybe."

Inigo sighed again, for emphasis.

"What is it?"

"I didn't ask her yet, because she is WAY out of your league, and I'm sure she only mentioned you as an example. And, I mean, this is only going to humiliate you when you see just how far you have to go to even approach appropriate date material for her."

"Oh, do I?"

"I'm not kidding. I'm pretty sure she turned down more impressive guys than you this morning. Plus, she's got a temper sometimes."

"Do I look like the kind of man who would back down from a challenge? I laugh in the face of failure."

"I've seen you fail often enough to agree with that."

"Introduce me to her, and watch a master at work."

Morgan looked around. Tapped her foot. Hummed.

"You know I'm only reluctant to do this for your own good. And if she shuts you down, you won't ever get another shot. I'm still shocked she's willing to give you one chance."

"Better to have loved and lost..."

"Than to be shut down by every single woman you meet? I guess so. I mean, you only have experience with the second one, but mom said the first was better than nothing."

Inigo winced.

"...right."

"Oh! One other thing. The cue cards and general advice?"

"I remember them. They didn't seem to do much good before."

"Because you ignored them entirely. The important thing is, they were mostly here for this date. I mean, I never thought you'd have a chance here, but that's why I made sure to warn you. "

"I'm sure I can get by on my..."

"You really can't. She's great, but her family, well, you wouldn't be safe if you broke her heart."

"Really, in matters of romance, what is safe?"

Morgan skewed her face in thought for a second.

"In this case, safe means able to walk upright. Is that clear enough? Because I think I have some educational wood prints of what could happen!"

"I'll pass. Thank you."

"Aww."

Inigo shook his head. No point in worrying about Morgan's stories. He never backed down from a challenge! Well, rarely. Almost never.

"I...lost my cue cards. I suppose I'll play it by ear."

Morgan smiled.

"I knew you would. Which is why I made a backup set, including several detailed sections on possible conversation topics. Trust me. If you follow these, you won't have any chance of outright disaster."

"And if I don't?"

"That's why the woodprints are on the other side. They'll help you remember why you're following them!"

Morgan handed him the cards. Inigo took a look. They couldn't be as bad as Morgan said. After all, when Kjelle had said what would happen if he didn't leave Severa alone, things had only been about half as bad. At worst!

A thorough examination confirmed his instincts. The first card wasn't so harsh. He'd seen people in much more painful states. Of course, most of them died in agony and everyone, including Lucina, had agreed never to speak of the matter again, but the important thing was that he had the mental framework for this kind of thing.

Then he flipped to the second card. Ah. So that's what Morgan meant.

Inigo decided to avoid looking at the rest of the images. He had the general idea at that point, no need to go into extraneous detail.

" Fine. When can I meet this mystery woman?"

"Just go back to the table you prepared. Don't worry about finding her. She'll find you."

Inigo stumbled back to his previous place, and tried to keep his imagination in check.

A few minutes later, a woman walked in wearing a quite fetching dress. Pleasant looking girl, if a little paler than seemed absolutely healthy. Morgan wasn't all wrong, she certainly seemed like...

Inigo blinked. He recognized her. It was a wonder it took him that long.

"Noire?"

"H...hello Inigo. It's a nice night, isn't it?"

"Yes. Morgan mentioned that I should be waiting for someone. Do you know...?"

"No. It's... just me."

"Ah. I was expecting someone else. Are you sure...?"

"Morgan said you were waiting for me."

Inigo was about to mention the woman he was sure he was waiting for, when he looked down at the cards. One described Noire's dress. Several of the others emphasized not mentioning other people when you were talking to someone. Another reminded him of the references on the other side. He decided against that first response in favor of a more nuanced approach.

"Morgan says a lot of things. But I did make an order for two. You never know what might happen on a night like this."

"No... no you don't..."

"And, when a dashing, handsome lady's man finds a beautiful woman looking for him, there's no reason to ignore the opportunity. I think the musicians are playing our song."

"It's... not my song."

"Well, not yet. But the night is still young."

Outside, Morgan smiled. It was a lot of work, and grandma only knew why Noire would be interested in someone like Inigo, but Morgan prided herself on being a good friend. A little setup, a day's hard work, and a few carefully worded deals with half the camp was a small price to pay to make Noire happy.

Besides, she got to see Inigo suffer. And Morgan was pretty sure that was a good enough payment in and of itself.

(Author's notes: Bit of a short one this time. Little too long to include in a set, a little too short to feel entirely comfortably on its own. But these things happen. Unfortunately, it seems like they'll happen a little more often for the near future. Shorter chapters, less frequent updates, or possibly both. If there's a strong preference on the axis of update size versus update speed, might be worth mentioning.

As for the actual story, Morgan and Inigo tend to have a pretty good dynamic and it seemed worth playing with. Morgan setting up Inigo with a series of disastrous dates, which might not be disasters if Inigo wasn't involved suggested itself as a story pretty quickly, and most of the action played out from there. Didn't feel like the obvious setup of ending with Inigo and Morgan getting together quite worked for either of them, but Morgan helping out a friend seemed more likely to go well. I'd like to think it worked.

As always, hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading.)