Crumpled Horned Plot Bunnies

A Harry Potter fanfic by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, please support the official release.

-Laundry-

Written by NaughtyBanette

"So, I've heard you're the one to talk to about... Making investments?" Harry Potter didn't quite know what to expect when he stepped into the office. Technically, what he was attempting to do wasn't strictly legal, which meant that anyone he found here was technically a criminal. That alone should be enough to set him on edge.

Still, he'd dealt with his fair share of criminals over the years. Most were of the dangerous sort, and were dealt with as such. Some, like Sirius, were only 'technically' criminals, and were actually decent folk.

Besides which, criminal or not, by this point in his life, Harry was certain he was the most dangerous person in the room.

What he was not expecting, when he stepped into the rather well furnished office, was a platinum blonde woman with grey eyes, seemingly around his own age, wearing a button down white shirt and a tie. "I believe you're in the right place." The woman graced him with an easy smile, rising from her chair. "You would be Mr. Potter, correct? Our mutual contact informed me of what you were looking for, but it always pays to hear it from the horse's mouth, as it were."

"Yes, I'm-" Harry paused, thoughts skipping track for a moment as she stepped around the desk, leaving a suit jacket draped across her chair. There was something oddly familiar about her. "I'm sorry, have we met?"

"I don't believe so." The woman shook her head. "Though I've heard the Potter name before. I'm a squib, you see. Permitted to move about in the magical world, to know what's going on, but not much else I'm afraid. We wouldn't have moved in the same circles, prior to this."

"Of course." Harry nodded, grimacing slightly at the image. "In any case, I was looking to have some money moved around..."

"Well, I'm certainly your woman for that." The woman clapped her hands, offering a sly smile. "Any particular currency you're looking for? British pounds?"

"That would be ideal, yes. I'm hoping to make a few investments in businesses that... Don't accept galleons." Harry agreed.

"And Gringotts doesn't exactly help you avoid notice, walking out into London with a million pounds in your pockets." The woman nods. "I'm honestly glad you came to a professional about this. You wouldn't believe how many people think you can just sell galleons as gold coins to a local pawnbroker and get away with it. So, first things first, we're going to have to set up a company for you. Or, rather, several companies. Each company will be owned by another company in a chain, with the final company owned by a Trust."

"A trust?" Harry asked for clarification.

"Someone who operates the company as instructed by the beneficial owner, you." The woman explained. "However, this position hides your involvement entirely."

"And that's... Legal?" Harry asked, confusion creeping up on him.

"Surprisingly? Yes. The process of setting it all up is entirely legal." The woman shrugged. "In any case, that's step one. Step two is converting your galleons to pounds. There are a lot of wealthy people in the world that would very much like to benefit from magic, you see. More than willing to move a large sum of money to the accounts of a business, as payments for traditional goods and services that exist only on paper."

"So someone does a bit of magic for some rich muggle, and your people collect the money." Harry clarified.

"Quite." The woman agreed. "And then we trade that muggle currency for galleons."

"At a mark up." Harry noted.

"A woman's gotta eat." The blonde shrugged carelessly. "But yes, we take our own cut. It's worth it, to be able to get your hands on currency in such large amounts. Plus it's already in the system, and seemingly legitimate. In any case, arrangements can be made to move the money through several different companies, masking the transfers as legitimate businesses, until they arrive in the accounts of your shell company. From there, you're free to invest it as you see fit."

"And the galleons?" Harry asked, somewhat curious about the rest of the process.

"Some of it goes back to Gringotts, in small amounts. Some of it is used as payroll for my employees. Some of it is used to buy the goods and hired the services needed to help those wealthy muggles." The woman explained. "Gringotts would be quite upset to know we're cutting them out of the equation. They have their own anti-money laundering processes, some better, some worse than the muggles. Less ability to monitor what's going on outside of their bank, but much better at knowing exactly who's doing what with their Gringotts accounts."

"Well... This seems like exactly what I was looking for." Dubious legality aside, it honestly doesn't sound like it was anything too heinous to Harry. "I recently discovered that my family previously made... Large investments in several muggle companies, several of which have taken off in the years since their deaths. So, I have a pressing need for an avenue to move my money in and out of the wizarding world."

The blonde's eyes flashed at the news, and her posture straightened up just a bit more. "Well, Mr. Potter, I'd say that I'm your woman."

"Excellent- Ah, I'm... I'm sorry, it's just... You're certain we haven't met?" There was just something... The structure of her face, the color of her hair, of her eyes... "You said you were a squib right? Maybe you're from a family I know?"

"Hmm, maybe... My parents pretty much tossed me out and disowned me once it was clear I had no magic." The woman shrugs. "I kind of made it my life's goal to become richer than them, just out of spite. Can you believe the Malfoys haven't figured out that they're getting ripped off on my services, let alone why? I think they've just flat out forgotten they had a daughter."

"M-Malfoy?" Harry sputtered, feeling as though his brain suddenly had to reboot. The pale skin, the platinum blonde hair, the grey eyes... Everything that his mind was telling him was beautiful a moment ago, suddenly held new context.

"Alright there Potter?" The woman- Now identified as a disowned Malfoy- asked.

"F-fine." Harry squeaked, as the word 'Potter' echoed in his mind, in two very different voices. "P-perfectly fine."

"Good. What's say we work out the details, and then celebrate our new partnership with a drink?" The woman offered him a sultry smile, before turning and... Strutting over to her desk.

'It's a Malfoy!' One part of his mind hissed, scandalized.

'It's a Malfoy!' Another whispered, tantalizingly.

"A drink sounds good right now, to be honest." Harry most certainly did not squeak.

Draco: "You think you're so great Potter?"

Harry: "Your sister does."

Draco: "What?"

Harry: "I fucked your sister."

Draco: "I don't have a sister!"

Harry: "Ask your mom."

Draco: "Mom! Do I have a sister?"

Narcissa: "Of course not darling. You're my one and only child."

Draco: "I knew Harry was just messing with me."

Narcissa: "Of course. We disowned that girl for being a squib."

Draco: "What!? So then- But that means- M-Mom, you wouldn't... I mean, you'd never disown me, right?"

Narcissa: "Don't be silly Draco."

Draco: "R-right. You love me, so that would never happen."

Narcissa: "You're a wizard Draco, we'd never disown you. Though it was touch and go for a bit. We were this close to throwing you out on the street, alone and penniless, but then you managed just a tiny bit of accidental magic. It wasn't a lot, and normally I'd err on the side of caution and disown you anyways, but your father really wasn't interested in trying for a third child. So we declared it 'good enough' and kept you."

Draco: "W-what!?"

And later on...

Harry Potter's birthday party was the event of the season for the young man's former classmates, and it was in full swing when the front doors of the rented hall slammed open. Dozens of heads turned as one towards the disturbance, taking in the sight of a young lady with platinum blonde hair storming in. Many backed away from her path, noting her disheveled state and the almost crazed look in her silver eyes.

"Potter!" The young woman screamed, stomping towards the young man as he turned to greet her.

"Who in the bloody hell-" Harry shouted back, eyes widening as he took in her appearance. Already people were beginning to whisper in the crowd. "Wait... It can't be... Draco? What happened to you?"

"You did this!" The woman shouted for all to hear. "You! You- You drove me to this!"

"What?" Harry reeled.

"After all these years of harassing you, of tormenting you, of doing everything to get your attention!" She shouted, stomping forwards. "I've... I've come to finally accept the truth. After all these years, I can't... I can't bear to live without your attention."

The whispers in the crowd grew louder at that declaration, several heads were whipping around in confusion, trying to make sense of what they were seeing.

"I was just some... Some confused child, flailing around in a desperate attempt to understand my own desire." She continued, pressing a hand over her chest. "I couldn't accept the truth that was right in front of me, and when I did, I realized... I realized how much I'd hurt the one I loved most. I knew you'd never accept me for who I was, not without proving my earnest desire to start over."

"S-so you turned yourself into a woman?" Harry interjected, glancing towards his friends for help and seeing them just as bewildered.

"And resolved to throw myself at your mercy." The woman agreed, kneeling down in front of him. "I'm not asking you to marry me. I know that, after what I did, I'm not worthy of such things. Take me as your pet, your servant, your concubine or sex slave, it doesn't matter. I renounce the Malfoy name here and now, and accept whatever position you'd have me take. Anything, to spend even a fraction of my life in your arms."

The crowd was in an uproar now, and Harry was certain he'd seen quite a few people faint from the declaration. Glancing back at the woman, he spotted the sly smile on her face as she tried to maintain her composure. "I uh... I suppose we'll need to discuss terms." Harry replied, causing the gossiping whispers to grow even louder. "In private."

The young man quickly pulled his friend to her feet and all but hauled her into the back rooms, trying to hold in his laughter the entire way. The young woman was not much better, bursting into uncontrollable laughter the moment the door shut behind them. "Oh my god, did you see their reactions?"

"That'll teach them to try pranking me on my birthday." Harry practically doubled over, wheezing as he tried to catch his breath. "I can only imagine how Draco will react when news reaches him."

"Giving up his family name, his fortune, and even his gender, all to be his 'beloved' Harry Potter's sex-pet." The former Malfoy giggled. "I ah... I don't suppose we have time to make this a bit more realistic? Ruffle up our clothing a bit, before heading back out?"

"It would lend more credibility to the joke." Harry nodded, a knowing smile crossing his lips. "I'll make sure you're suitably ruffled, if you do the same to me?"

"But of course!" His companion agreed easily, sauntering over to lay hands on his shoulders. "Let's start with this shirt-"

/A mixture of the common 'But wizards could make a fortune in muggle money just by [insert scam here]', and 'Pureblood wizards disowning their squib children' tropes./