Disclaimer: Everything belongs to The Marvel Universe except for my characters Sophie and Jeremy and any other SOs that become introduced – they are my own creations and are not meant to resemble anyone else's OCs in any way.
A/N: WOW. That last chapter really elicited some strong opinions from you all! I love it! Thank you so very much to each and every one of you who left a review! They were all so detailed and wonderful. Believe me, I take into account everything you all say and your comments can sometimes influence my writing, so keep them coming!
I did want to address a few things that I noticed were a common theme in your reviews. Sophie's decision to go back to Jeremy was an interesting one for sure. I have a reason for bringing him back, which you all will see soon enough. But I just wanted to explain a bit of her decision. I think at some point in time, most of us have been in a relationship that was maybe not the healthiest. From the outside it's easy to see all the red flags and pitfalls. But sometimes when you're in it, it's tough. Sophie has her own insecurities and fears that surround her choice to stay with Jeremy. Both she and Bucky have never expressed any romantic inclinations to one another either. They have been such close friends that even if the vague thought of something more has occurred, they push it back so as not to ruin things between them. Anyway, I didn't want Jeremy to come off as a total asshole, but I think I may have failed in that endeavor lol.
I was also surprised to see that not a lot of people mentioned Bucky's reaction to Sophie's pregnancy scare! I really wanted that to show the depth of his commitment to Sophie and their relationship. Even though at that point he doesn't quite realize his true feelings for her, he was willing to help her raise another man's child. So I hope that part came across as intended.
Anyway, sorry for the long A/N! Lot's of stuff in this chapter, hope you all love it and keep the reviews coming!
***TRIGGER WARNING: TORTURE AND PTSD FLASHBACKS***
Chapter 7: The Ceiling
~ Present Day ~
Stepping out of the bathroom, Sophie went to her closet and pulled out her black high heeled peep-toes, the ones with the ankle straps. Then she went back to the full length mirror. She stared at herself again, fear and uncertainty suddenly gripping her. She sagged against the bathroom counter.
What the fuck am I doing?! This is insane!
Her eyes darted back to the clock that now read 11:49pm. She rolled her neck, trying to ease the tension. The indecision was killing her. If she were totally honest with herself, the thought of being intimate with Bucky had fleetingly passed through her mind on more than one occasion. Born out of nothing more than sexual frustration and loneliness she'd told herself. But even she couldn't deny how good looking he was. However, It was something she quickly dismissed in respect for their friendship. This time, however, this time it was different. She was going out of her mind from the stress and anxiety and her lack of sleep this week. This time, she saw no other way. This time, she needed him. Taking a bracing breath, she pushed off the counter and picked up her phone.
Sophie: Are you up and alone? I need to see you.
Bucky: Yes and yes. Everything ok? Want me to come over?
Sophie: Not exactly. Can I come to you?
Bucky: Yeah, of course.
Sophie: See you in a few.
Bucky: Take a cab or something. It's too late for you to walk alone.
Sophie: Ok.
She walked to her coat closet and pulled out a black, knee length, belted peacoat. Sophie slowly did up the buttons and then tied the belt around her waist. She felt strange and exposed despite the heavy coat. Slipping her phone and keys into a pocket, she stepped out the door, shutting it softly behind her.
…
~ 7 Months Ago ~
Sophie rubbed her temples and groaned. Her eyes were starting to hurt from the multitude of reports she'd sifted through today. Setting the latest one down, she threw her arms above her head and gave a big stretch. Her phone pinged right at that moment.
Michael: Just landed. Debrief may take a minute.
Sophie read the text and smiled. After the debrief, another report will be compiled and land on her desk for review and filing within 24 hours. As much as she enjoyed helping the Avengers figure out where they were actually needed and various strategic logistics, she loved the debrief reports the most. It was like reading an action novel staring all of her closest friends. Closing and locking her desk drawer, she stood up and made her way outside.
Tonight was girl's night with Nat. Sophie couldn't help the thrill of excitement that crept up her spine. Their girl's nights were the best. Sometimes all they did was sit at home and eat snacks while watching TV, other times they indulged in facials, today was one of her favorites — they were going to the club. This meant dancing, good drinks, and deep conversation. Plus she could't pass up the opportunity to get dressed up and feel sexy. Jeremy wasn't one for dancing so these nights were rare unless she went solo or waited for Natasha.
Taking a detour to stop by the corner deli, she picked up some food for herself and an extra soup and sandwich. Then walked the half block to Bucky's apartment, letting herself in with his spare key. She knew it would probably be another few hours before he got home, given Michael's text, and they were rarely fed enough on their commute back. Placing his food in the fridge with a little note that read "Enjoy. -S" she settled down at the breakfast bar. Alpine landed beside her with a soft meow and a nuzzle as she pulled a book out of her bag.
"Hi Al," Sophie greeted her softly. "You want an extra can? I know Bucky said not to give you too much wet food, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Right?"
She laughed as the cat gave a happy trill. Sliding off the stool, she picked up the food bowl and filled it up, then set it on the counter beside her. Alpine jumped back up and began to eat happily as Sophie settled back onto her stool. Picking up her phone, she began to dig into her food.
Sophie: So how's the showing?
Jeremy: Pretty good. They love the place. Think they may want to put in an offer!
Sophie: That's wonderful. How late do you think you'll be? Will I see you before I go out?
Jeremy: Not sure. All depends on if they put an offer in or not. I'll keep you posted.
Sophie: Sounds good. Good luck.
Jeremy: Thanks baby. Love you.
Sophie: Love you too.
She sighed and set her phone down. Alpine sat staring at Sophie, licking her mouth contentedly.
"Don't look at me like that," she said to the feline. "I do love him…I think."
Making a face, she reached over and scratched the cat behind the ears, earning herself a loud purr. Chewing on her sandwich, she watched as Alpine groomed herself.
"It's just so complicated. I know I have feelings for him…but how do I know if it's really…love? Mom and dad never could keep it together…always off and on as long as I can remember. I don't know what it's supposed to look like, Alpine. And don't tell anyone I told you…but…sometimes when I say it, it just feels…wrong. But I'm scared to make a choice I'll regret later."
She cradled her head in her palm and continued to talk to the feline, pausing only to take a bite or scoop some soup into her mouth.
"To be honest, I'm not sure I've ever been in love. But…how do you know? How do you know that it's love? Or that it isn't? I like being with him and spending time with him. But sometimes it feels like we're just not on the same wavelength," she let out a long sigh. "I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I think I've just been a little down the past few days. Maybe I'm PMSing. I guess I just thought that after nearly three years I'd feel more certain, more settled?"
Alpine stretched and jumped down from the counter, sauntering into Bucky's bedroom. Sophie sighed again.
"I guess that's enough of that."
She turned back to her food and opened her book.
…
At last, having eaten and read and sufficiently entertained Alpine, she left Bucky's apartment and returned to her own. Having taken a quick shower, she blew out her auburn hair and drifted to her closet. Selecting a short black skirt with a gold sequined crop top she began to dress. Her dark green lingerie and black, chunky 4" heels made her feel even sexier. She applied a moody cat eye with a dark lip followed by gold hoops and a few bangles. Then picking up her phone, she texted Natasha.
Sophie: So am I coming to you or are you coming to me?
Natasha: Come on over. Debrief took forever. Still getting ready.
Sophie: No problem. Do I need to bring wine?
Natasha: Always.
…
(Love Me Harder - Triplo Max)
The base thumped loudly as the two women walked into the club. Natasha seemed to always know everyone and was on every list that mattered so despite the long line, they were admitted immediately.
"Good grief Nat, how do you find these places? This is awesome!" Sophie nearly squealed at her friend.
Natasha only smirked in response as they sauntered further inside. Despite Sophie's generally calm and quiet demeanor, she loved getting dressed up and letting loose on the dance floor, the club energy thrumming through her body. It was one of her favorite pastimes that she didn't get to enjoy nearly enough in her opinion. She briefly wondered if Bucky would ever go with her and the thought sent a strange thrill through her body. Shocked at the notion, she shook her head and took Natasha's hand, guiding her to the bar. Grabbing drinks, the two women settled into a dark and cozy booth with a great view of the dance floor.
"So I know I'm going to read about it soon enough, but how was the mission? I heard there was a long debrief. That can't be good."
Natasha frowned, taking a long sip of her cocktail.
"It…it wasn't that bad, actually. As far as missions go. Have you talked to Bucky since we got back?"
Sophie looked at her in surprise, "No. Why?"
"You might want to check in on him."
"Nat, what happened? Is he ok?"
"Physically — yes. Mentally and emotionally? I'm not so sure."
Heart jolting, she looked at the Black Widow with concern. Natasha gave her a worried look before she continued.
"So when we got to the house, the people that were there…Sophie, they were Hydra and Nazi fanatics. There was paraphernalia everywhere. And each and every one of them committed suicide, old school Hydra style."
Sophie looked at her questioningly.
"Cyanide tablets. The second they were captured."
She gasped, hand flying to cover her mouth.
"We were left with a lot of dead bodies. A lot of questions. And no answers. The fact that after all of these years, this is creeping out into the open again…it's not a good sign. Bucky didn't really take it well. He said he was fine, but you know his 'I'm really not fine, fine.' When we realized what was going on, you should have seen the look on his face. He was so pale, I thought he was going to vomit. I've literally never seen such a physical reaction from him during a mission. Steve tried to get him to step out and wait for us outside but he refused. They almost got into a physical altercation over it."
"Steve and Bucky?!"
"Yeah. I think Steve was afraid of what we might find and he didn't want Bucky present for it. But Bucky wanted to tear the place apart. He wanted to find everything and bury everyone all at once. They didn't speak the entire flight home. I tried to talk to him. I told him he needs to go see his therapist."
"What did he say?"
"He said he'd call her on Monday."
"What? He's got her cell for emergencies. This sounds like a pretty good reason to use it."
"That's what I told him. But he gave me his 'I'm fine' again."
Sophie sighed, "I'll check on him first thing tomorrow."
"And Jeremy is going to be ok with that? Don't you guys have plans to go apple picking or something?"
Scowling, Sophie took a long drink of her own cocktail before carefully setting it down on the low table in front of them.
"First of all, that's in the afternoon and I don't even know if we're going any more. He's got these big clients that just put an offer in on an apartment in SoHo and the negotiations have been really intense so far. It just happened like an hour ago so I have a good feeling he's going to be busy at least all of tomorrow morning, if not all day, trying to close this deal."
She watched Natasha roll her eyes.
"What? What was that for?"
"He's always busy. He's always putting his job before you Sophie. Don't you get tired of it?"
Scowl deepening, she opened her mouth to reply but was quickly cut off by Natasha holding up a placating hand.
"Don't get mad. I'm not trying to start anything. I just want to have a real and honest conversation with you here. Are you really ok with it?"
"With what exactly?"
"With being second to his career? With the way your life is going with him? What happens if you have a family? Is that all just going to be on you?"
Sophie's stomach lurched as she thought back to the time when they'd broken up and she'd had that pregnancy scare. She wasn't even sure if he would be there for her, had she actually been pregnant. Her insides did a funny dance as her mind whispered the name of someone who would have been there, without a doubt. Of someone who had, in fact, been there at the time. She swallowed hard.
"I know he works a lot. And I wish he didn't. But maybe it's partially my fault for never having said anything to him."
"Do you think it would make a difference?"
She stared at Natasha for a moment "I don't know."
Natasha frowned.
"There's just so much potential with us. At times we're just so good together. I'm not ready to give up on what this can really turn into."
"But Sophie, after like, three years together, don't you think that you should be past 'potential' and 'can be'? Don't you think you should have something a little more concrete by now?"
Sophie's eyes lowered down to her drink.
"I don't know."
Natasha reached over and squeezed Sophie's hand.
"So tell me about you and Steve."
Turning her wide eyes on her friend, Nat pulled her hand back into her lap.
"There's nothing to tell," she said innocently.
"Oh come on Nat. How long are you two going to dance around each other?"
"I don't know what you mean. Steve and I are … like you and Bucky. We're just friends. You know that."
"Oh my God. The way you flirt with him!"
"Oh you know me, I flirt with everyone," she waggled her eyebrows at the other woman.
Sophie laughed.
"Not the way you do with Steve!"
"That's just because he's so easy to fluster and get a rise out of."
"You're in deep denial."
Natasha picked up her glass and downed the rest of her drink.
"Come on. I'm tired of talking. Let's go dance."
Giving her friend a sly smirk, Sophie finished off her cocktail and followed her to the dance floor.
…
Sophie stepped inside her apartment and locked the door behind her. Immediately kicking off her heels, she pulled out her phone and looked at the time. 2:15am glowed back at her. She unlocked it and navigated to her text chain with Jeremy.
Sophie: Just got in. Safe and sound.
A response came immediately.
Jeremy: Glad to hear it. Hope you had fun.
Sophie: What are you doing still up?
Jeremy: We're so close to having a deal on this place. But the couple wants to do some renovations and so I have to look up the permitting and fees associated with it. Having to dig through a bunch of crap. Taking longer than I thought it would.
Sophie: Ok. Well don't stay up too late. You need your energy for apple picking tomorrow!
She waited a few minutes but there was no response. Walking into her bathroom, Sophie got ready for bed and changed into her pjs. As soon as her head hit the pillow her phone buzzed again.
Jeremy: We're going to have to play it by ear baby. If I haven't closed this deal by then we may have to postpone.
Frowning, she tossed her phone on the bed beside her pillow, not bothering to respond.
…
Bucky's eyes opened lazily and he stared up at the ceiling. For a moment he was dazed and forgot where he was. For just a second he thought he was still in his comfortable bed in his room back in Brooklyn. Then the ceiling came into focus. It was that ceiling. The one with the awful stark white lights that tended to flicker. The one he's stared at for who knows how long now. Days? Weeks? Months? He wasn't even sure any more. And then just to be certain he knew good and well where he was, he heard that voice that he despised so much.
"Welcome back Sergeant Barnes. I was starting to get worried."
His head lolled to his right and his blue eyes landed on Zola's face. Bucky felt his heart rate spike and his muscles flexed.
"Now now. Let's not get over excited. I need you to save your energy. Today is a big day. We have our last round of injections today! Then we move into the next phase."
He must have seen the confusion and horror cross Bucky's face because a sly smile stretched his ugly lips as he explained.
"Once you have all the serum, we'll start on the other medications and…treatments. I'm excited to see what you're really made of, Sergeant. Those first rounds of shock treatments…those were just the beginning."
Grabbing Bucky's struggling arm, Zola jammed a needle into his vein. Bucky could feel the familiar burn of electric fire surge through his body. He panted and grit his teeth together, trying with all his might to hold back his scream.
"We both know there's no point in fighting it. So go ahead. Go ahead and scream all you want."
With that, Zola turned to walk away. Finally unable to hold it back, Bucky let loose an agonizing scream as his body burned from the inside out.
"WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!"
Zola stopped at the door and turned around to face him.
"Because I can. And because…you're the first one to have survived. You're the lucky one."
After that, everything seemed to come to Bucky in snippets. The world would go black, then he would wake to that ceiling again. Electric shocks seared his muscles as he'd gasp for air. Limbs would twitch. Then black again. The scrape of a scalpel on the back of his head as they shaved his hair. The sound and feel of drilling into his skull. It was agonizing. Then there would be a prick in his arm and he was floating. Hallucinations and delusions filled his mind. Everything was in a haze. Then black. He awoke screaming as probes with electric currents were jammed into his brain. More needles. More burning. More floating. Random words were spoken over and over and over. Then black.
Bucky awoke disoriented again. He blinked a few times as the familiar ceiling came into focus once more. Suddenly, he felt wide awake. His senses were sharp. His heart pounded furiously in his chest as he attempted to look around but found that this time, even his head was bound down. He flexed and could feel the cold metal biting into his right arm. The creak of the restraints brought Zola over to him.
"Awake at last. You have proved to be extremely resilient Sergeant Barnes. Exactly what I need. But unfortunately for you, that will also make you harder to break."
Bucky began to fight against the restraints. He wanted to say something but found that he couldn't speak for the bit that was in his mouth.
"Oh, come now. Not to worry. This is the last part before your full transformation. Before you finally become the fist of Hydra. And how much you must suffer, that is entirely up to you Sergeant. The quicker you give in, the quicker it all stops. So. Let's see how much you can take, shall we?"
Wild blue eyes followed him as best they could. Zola stepped out of view and pushed a button. This was the first time that Bucky was fully lucid for the electrotherapy and the pain that tore through his body was on another level entirely. There was no hope this time of holding back his screams. The shocks scorched through him, spasming his muscles until he couldn't breathe. He could hear those words again, going on repeat. Then it stopped. He gasped for air, though it still felt difficult to take a full breath. His digits twitched and zapped. Just as it was starting to ebb away, the shock came again. His body convulsed, back arching off the table as far as the restraints would let it go. His howls echoed loudly in the stark room. There was a brief respite as the words droned on. Then it came again, starting in his head and blasting down to his toes, like being struck by lightening. Bucky screwed his eyes shut tight as his jaw clamped down on the bit. He prayed to God that death would come soon. But God did not hear him.
…
Bucky startled awake with a scream, sitting bolt upright. His eyes struggled to adjust to the lack of light in the dark bedroom. Lurching to his right, he hung his head over the side of the bed and retched forcefully. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he pushed himself upright again. His entire body shook as he sat in the dark, trying to make sense of where he was. His brain felt like scrambled eggs. Was he dreaming right now? Was he going to wake up and see that God forsaken ceiling again? Or was this real and the chair was a dream? Where is he? Is it all a hallucination? He didn't want to look at that ceiling anymore.
Gasping for air, heart thumping painfully, he grabbed the sheets around his waist. There was a pounding in his head that was threatening to split his skull wide open. A trembling hand reached up and wiped the sweat off his forehead before running through his hair in an attempt to abate the headache. The fingers traveled down to the back of his head where a piece of his skull had once been removed. They ghosted gently over the scars that were now hidden by his dark locks. Blue eyes darted wildly around the suddenly unfamiliar room.
Where am I? Is this all a dream? Am I still in the chair? Am I going to wake up soon? I don't want to wake up.
He brought his knees up as both hands flew to grab onto his head.
"No mooorreeee," he moaned. "I don't want to any more. I can't. Please. No more, no more, no more."
His breaths were coming out in gasps now. His mind, like scattered jigsaw pieces. He couldn't make heads or tails of where he was and what was real and what wasn't. Slowly, his hands returned to his lap as he gazed about. Things felt familiar but he wasn't sure if this was actually reality or if it was the familiarity of a dream he'd had before — a hallucination during one of his delusional states that Zola would put him in. His eyes landed on something reflective in the tiny sliver of light winding in through the crack in his curtains. It was a phone. He gingerly picked it up and unlocked it. He stared at the screen. It was a text chain with Sophie.
Sophie. Sophie? Who is Sophie? I think I know her…it's familiar. It feels…safe. Is this real? Is she real? Did I dream her up?
He pushed the call button, grimacing at the noise the dial tone made. It rang and rang and rang. Then went to voicemail. Bucky hung up. He continued to stare at the phone. He wasn't sure why he'd called to begin with, but he felt like he should. Closing his eyes, he rubbed he bridge of his nose as something familiar tugged at the back of his mind. Who was Sophie?
Sophie…Sophie…I know her.
The fog began to slowly clear and it hit him.
Sophie.
He pushed the call button again. This time, it rang twice before a groggy and confused voice answered.
*Hello?*
"S-Sophie…"
His voice was hoarse and raspy, throat dry from stress and anxiety.
*Bucky?*
She sounded more awake now. Bucky's mind was still muddled but he managed to find his voice as he whispered quietly to her.
"I need you."
*I'll be right there.*
She was alert now. Her voice strong and confident. He hung up the phone, wondering when he was going to wake up and see the ceiling. Would he get to see Sophie before that happened? He wanted to. Just one more time.
…
Sophie woke up from what had been a very pleasant dream to her phone buzzing right beside her head. She picked it up, still half asleep.
"Hello?"
*S-Sophie…*
Bucky's voice was unmistakable, she'd recognize it anywhere, anytime. But he sounded off. Her eyes flew open and looked at the clock: 3:37am. She'd barely slept yet.
"Bucky?"
Sitting up in bed, her heart pounded in her chest as a prickle of fear began to spread in her gut.
*I need you.*
He was so quiet, she had to strain to hear him. But his words made her stomach drop. Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. This wasn't like Bucky. He wouldn't just call her like this in the middle of the night unless it were an emergency. She was out of bed in an instant.
"I'll be right there."
Sophie wanted to keep him on the phone as Natasha's words from earlier that night drifted from her memory. She wanted to keep him talking, to make sure he'd be ok until she got to him. But he hung up and the line went dead. Heart in her throat, she threw sweats on top of her pjs and shoved her feet into some sneakers. Grabbing her phone and keys, she was out the door in less than five minutes.
Not bothering to wait for an Uber and knowing she'd never be able to get a cab at this hour, she ran the entire way to his apartment. She felt sick with worry as her feet carried her to his door in ten minutes flat. Thanking her lucky stars that she hadn't returned Bucky his spare key since this last mission, she jammed it into the lock.
(Not Going Anywhere - lovesick by choice)
The dark apartment was disorienting for a moment. But she'd been there enough to know her way around without a problem. Knocking her shoes off, she locked the door behind her and nearly sprinted to his bedroom. Alpine lifted a sleepy head from her spot on the couch as Sophie darted by. She stepped into the room and found Bucky sitting up in bed, looking completely lost. The rancid smell of vomit hit her hard and she had to cover her nose to keep from throwing up herself. Taking a moment to orient herself, she slowly approached him.
"Bucky? What happened? Are you ok?"
His confused gaze slowly shifted from the wall in front of him to her face. Lips parting slightly he momentarily looked like he wasn't sure what she was doing in his apartment. Even in the dark, she could see his entire body trembling.
"S-Sophie?"
His voice was so unsure, so raw and scared.
"I'm right here," she said as she carefully climbed onto the bed.
Bucky's legs were crossed and he was still clutching the sheet around his waist. His vibranium arm glistened in the low light streaming in.
"Are you ok?" She asked again.
He stared at her, his expression that of a lost and wary child.
"No," he breathed out at last.
Sophie let out a breath of air, her heart constricting.
"Tell me what happened. Did you have a nightmare?"
He blinked at her a few times, his confused brain trying to make sense of the words.
"Are you real?"
"W-what?"
"Did I dream you up? Am I about to wake up? I don't want to…I don't want to see that ceiling again."
Sophie was completely confused. She was briefly wondering if she needed to take him to the hospital.
"What ceiling?" She asked him cautiously.
"I'm hallucinating again, aren't I? You can't be real. None of this is real. I don't want to go back. I don't want to wake up. Please, can't it all be over already?"
She felt her blood run cold. Bucky's glassy eyes seemed to look right through her.
What is going on?
"I want you to be real so bad. But you're just a dream…"
"Bucky, I am real. It's me, it's Sophie."
His brow furrowed. He knew Sophie. He knew that name. He knew her face. But he didn't trust his mind.
"No. It's those drugs he put in me. They tease me, making me think I'm not there any more. Making me think it's real…but it never is," Bucky put his head in his hands, pulling on his hair slightly. "My head hurts so bad. I just want it to stop. Please make it stop."
"What drugs Bucky? Who put them in you?"
He looked up at her with hallow eyes.
"Zola."
With that one name, the pieces clicked into place. She scooted closer to him and he uncrossed his legs, bending them at the knees.
"Bucky, you're having a flashback. You're not there anymore. I'm real. And I'm here in your room. And you're here with me."
"You're real?"
"Yes."
"I'm not dreaming?"
"No."
He contemplated her words for a few silent minutes.
"I don't want to go back," he said at last. "I'm afraid if I close my eyes, when I open them I'll be back in that room. Back on the table or in the chair. I'll be staring at that ceiling."
Sophie's stomach churned at his words and she thought she might be sick right along with him.
"Bucky…James. Look at me."
His eyes slowly drifted to hers at her command.
"You're never going back there. You survived. It's all over now and you're ok. I'm right here and you're here with me. You're not in that room anymore."
They sat in the dark, quietly looking at one another.
"Are you sure I'm not dreaming?" He asked again in a whisper.
"I'm sure James."
Bucky swallowed hard and Sophie watched his face crumble.
"I'm not ok, Soph," he said at last.
A single tear escaped and rolled down his cheek. Sophie sucked in a deep breath and sat up on her knees. She scooted in close between his legs.
"Oh James."
"I'm not ok," he whispered again.
She grabbed him into a fierce hug, pulling his head down until his forehead rested on her shoulder. Bucky's arms came around her waist and his hands clutched the back of her crew neck sweater. Sophie held him tightly, her left arm around his shoulders, her right hand on the back of his head as he broke down. She felt his body shudder while hot tears soaked through her sweater. His breaths came in deep gasps, like he couldn't get enough air.
"Ssshhhh," she soothed him. "Breathe. Just breathe. Like you taught me, remember? Slowly in and out. You're going to be ok. It's all over. You did it, you survived, and you're never going back there again James. You're not dreaming right now. This is real. I'm really sitting here and you're really sitting here with me. Shh, shh, shhhh."
Bucky's crying subsided at last and he took in several deep, trembling breaths. But his body continued to shake. At last, Sophie gently pulled away from him.
"Ok, here's what we're going to do," she told him as she wiped the tears off his face. "I'm going to get you some tissues and one of your migraine pills so your headache doesn't get worse. Then I'm going to clean all this up before the smells sets in. So I'll be right back…"
"D-don't leave. Please don't leave me alone."
"I'll be right back, I promise."
Bucky let go of her but his gaze followed every movement. She stepped into his bathroom to retrieve the tissues and meds and when she returned, he continued to observe her carefully. After completing that task, she set to work on cleaning his hardwood floors. Grabbing up some paper towels, trash bags and cleaning supplies she wiped everything up and then sprayed with air freshener. It wasn't great, but it was better than before at least. She scrubbed her hands clean and then returned to Bucky, who was still sitting up, watching her.
"Ok, let's get you back to bed, yeah?"
"No!"
Bucky's eyes were wild and he clutched at his sheets again. Sophie stared down at him in confusion.
"It's late, Bucky. We both need to sleep."
"No, please. I can't. I can't go to sleep."
She crawled back onto the bed and sat down beside him.
"Everything is ok. You need to get some rest."
His jaw clenched tight and he shook his head back and forth.
"No."
"Bucky…"
Sophie could see the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the vein throbbing in his neck.
"I…I'm scared."
"To go to sleep?"
He nodded slowly.
"I'm scared I'm going to wake back up and see that ceiling again. I'm going to be back there."
"You're not there any more Bucky. I promise this isn't a dream."
"I know. But I'm still scared."
Though the rational part of his brain seemed to have come back, there was clearly still a large part that was confused. Sophie frowned, unsure of what to do. She was exhausted and it was getting close to 5:00am at this point. On top of which, she knew she couldn't stay. She'd promised Jeremy no more sleep overs. And as much as she knew Bucky needed her, as much as she wanted to stay, she was determined not to fuck it up this time. She'd agreed to Jeremy's request, so she would honor that promise. Once Bucky was down, she was going home.
"Ok," she replied at last. "Let's just lay down then. So we can rest. You don't have to close your eyes, but just lay down. Can you do that for me?"
His wary eyes roved over her face. Then ever so slowly, he lowered himself down onto his side, facing her. She followed suit, staying on top of the covers. Bucky's eyes looked so tired, but they were wide with fear as he continued to stare at Sophie. At last, she slowly reached out and covered the back of his hand with her own.
"I'm right here," she whispered.
She could see him fading, fighting the sleep that was trying to overtake him. His eyes fluttered, then snapped open. They fluttered again, then finally shut. Sophie watched as his breathing evened out and the hold he had on his sheets slackened. She would wait a few more minutes, just to be sure he was really out, then she'd go.
But the next thing Sophie knew, it was morning.
…
She woke up to the sound of the shower running. She was still on top of the covers, but at some point, Bucky had covered her with a light throw blanket. Gazing at the clock she saw it was just after eight. Groaning, she buried her face in the blankets just as the shower shut off. Sophie continued to lay there with her eyes closed as the door quietly opened, then the bedroom door quietly shut. Cracking her lids open she stared at nothing in particular as she went over the previous night in her head.
Whatever had happened on that mission must have really triggered him. She'd been friends with Bucky long enough that she'd been there with him when he'd suddenly have a PTSD flashback, or woken next to him after a nightmare, or had to hold his hand as he gathered himself on the street when something triggered him. But last night…last night was something else. Her stomach twisted uncomfortably at the thought of the discussion she knew she needed to have with him this morning.
Pushing the blanket off of her, Sophie slid out of bed and padded to the bathroom. When she came out into the kitchen, he was sitting at the breakfast bar, paper coffee cup in front of him, head in his hands. Very slowly, he raised his head and turned to look at her. Sophie stopped in her tracks at the sight of him. Red-rimmed eyes were underscored by deep purple and blue bags. His face looked hollow and tortured, devoid of the usual mischief that sparkled in his eyes when he looked at her.
"Hey," he greeted softly.
"Hi."
"I ordered us some coffee and bagels."
He turned away from her and pushed another coffee towards the empty seat beside him. Then reached into a white paper bag and pulled out two warm bagels, smothered in cream cheese. Sophie sat beside him and he handed one to her. Taking it from him, she nibbled lightly, then set it down on the plate in front of her. Bucky left his untouched, choosing to sip gingerly at his coffee instead.
"I thought you weren't sleeping over any more?" He asked without looking at her.
"I didn't mean to. I was really tired. It was an accident."
Bucky nodded his head slowly before letting out a deep sigh. His shoulders sagged in defeat before he put his head back in his hands.
"I'm so sorry Sophie. I'm so sorry about last night. I never should have called you."
"What? Why not?"
"Because. Because you're with Jeremy and it's not right. I shouldn't be putting you in that position."
"Bucky, you needed help last night. And I'm your friend. I'll always come help you."
"But maybe you shouldn't," he mumbled.
Sophie set her coffee down and blinked at him in confusion. She watched as he swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing.
"What are you saying?"
He rubbed his face a few times before looking over at her.
"I don't know."
They remained silent for several minutes after that. Sophie picked at her bagel while Bucky just sat there, staring at nothing, gaze glassy.
"What happened last night Bucky?"
"I had a nightmare. A flashback. To when…when they were turning me into the Winter Soldier. When they were trying to break me. And God help me…they did. They did…"
Sophie reached out and grabbed his hand, wrapping it up between both of hers.
"What did they do to you?" She whispered.
She wanted him to talk to her, to get some of his secrets off his chest. But at the same time, she was terrified of what she might hear. His look was somewhere faraway again.
"You don't want to know," he whispered back. "And I don't want to put those images in your head."
"I think my imagination is probably worse."
"Believe me…It's not."
She took in a shaky breath and squeezed his hand. He gently squeezed back.
"Sophie?"
"Hmm?"
He remained silent for so long she didn't think he was going to continue with whatever thought he'd had. But at last, he turned his head halfway towards her as his tortured eyes locked with hers.
"I'm not ok."
Sophie squeezed his hand harder, "I know."
"I think Jeremy is right."
"What? What are you talking about?"
Bucky pulled his hand out of her grasp and placed it in his lap.
"I'm so fucked up. My head isn't right. And I don't want to keep bringing you into my mess. It's not fair to you."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm a grown ass woman. I can decide for myself if I want to be in your mess or not."
"I think maybe it would be best for us to have some distance from each other."
"Bucky, no. Don't do this to me."
His gaze softened as his eyes traveled over the planes of her face.
"It would give you a chance to have a relationship with Jeremy without me getting in the way. I'm not saying we shouldn't be friends anymore. I'm just saying that…that maybe I should stop expecting you to come running every time I have a crisis."
"It's not like you have them all the time Bucky."
"It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have called you last night. I'm just going to chalk it up to being out of my fucking mind."
"I don't want our relationship to change."
"I don't either. But I want you to be happy. And I refuse to drag you down."
"I think you're just tired and not feeling like yourself right now. We need to table this conversation for another time. When you're in a better place."
Bucky nodded slowly.
"For now, you need to call your therapist."
"I already did," he said quietly. "I'm going in to see her in an hour."
Sophie let out a long breath.
"Good."
He nodded again, then turned back to his plate. With still trembling hands, he picked up his bagel and took a small bite.
A/N: So a little taste of the dark and tortured side of Bucky we haven't really seen too much of in this story. Hope it pulled at your heartstrings a little bit lol.
A massive thank you to all of my reviewers from last chapter! I really hope you all will continue to shower me with love! Alpinelover, Thorunnironside, Alices Rabbit, TheQueenofGoodbyes, MidnightStar, Vokunkendov, blaan_coco, acquamarina and Alice.
Alpinelover: I promise I have a good reason! And I'm glad you enjoyed it. Much more of that to come lol. Thanks so much for your review!
Thorunnironside: I completely agree with you (LOL). Omg I was wondering what happened to the rest of your review! I have a 2yo as well so I know how their little fingers can't stay away from the keyboard haha.
Alices Rabbit: Heeee…is back. For now. But yes, I have a very good reason so just hang in there! Glad you liked the bit about Alpine, I was hoping it would give people a laugh. As for the weapons…yes. I did have it in the other story as well (good catch!). I feel like given Bucky's history, he'd want to have weapons around not just for safety, but as someone with PTSD I would imagine it gives him some measure of security and comfort. All he's really known for the past 70 years is having a weapon in hand or somewhere on his person.
MidnightStar: Well I hope you liked all the Natasha bits in this chapter too! As for the bed sharing, I have to say that I disagree there. If neither one of them is attached, then the boundaries of their friendship are totally up to them. As long as they're both comfortable with it, there are no lines being crossed. Now, once there is a significant other involved, that is another story entirely. Truthfully though, this entire story is about the blurred lines of their relationship. Which will all segue very nicely into the 2nd arc of this story :)
Guest: Totally agree! And that's what Bucky was trying to tell her too. I love that you caught that about the weapons! (See my note to Alices Rabbit) I will likely be incorporating more mission stuff in the 2nd arc of the story.