A/N: Sirius's POV, and this chapter is dedicated to Missing Triforce, my loyal reader and reviewer, editor, and best friend, who has been such a faithful force in getting this story going. Couldn't do it without you!
-C
We sat in a house waiting for everyone to get together for the Order meeting, the first one our graduating class would be attending. Remus was sitting across from me, and I could feel James beside me without even looking. His hand would be clasped in Lily's like mine should have been in that moment with Amy's, but Amy refused to join the Order.
I missed her every moment she wasn't by my side anymore, never knowing what was going to happen when I wasn't looking.
"How's Amy, Sirius?" Remus asked with a smile.
"She's good," I said honestly, thinking of the way she kissed me when I left. She'd done it on purpose, knowing I'd be thinking of her the whole time instead of focusing properly on the meeting. Perhaps it was selfish of her, but I never minded when Amy was selfish because it meant excellent sex that night.
I closed my eyes and smiled, thinking of all the things I wanted to do with her.
"Sirius," Remus said with an amused smile, "we're here to talk about fighting Death Eaters, not to give you an opportunity to fantasize about your girlfriend."
I looked at him and grinned.
"Oh, Moony, every moment I'm not with her is an opportunity to fantasize."
His face darkened and I wanted to hit myself for my insensitivity.
He'd been moody about Lily and James and Amy and me since graduation, the last day he'd seen Sarah Kelly, Amy's former best friend. We were all sort of hoping she'd come to her senses and realize he wasn't some sort of dangerous beast, but our regular efforts just made her cut all of us off instead of push them together.
Not to mention, I knew he still had a bit of a crush on Amy, in spite of his efforts to get over it.
Before I had a chance to apologize, the meeting was called to order by Professor Dumbledore, who was sitting down at the head of the long table.
"As you can all see," he said softly, "we have a few new additions tonight. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter, Lily Evans, and Marlene McKinnon. Feel free to introduce yourselves after the meeting. You may be working with them in the future. Now, to get us started off, Caradoc, how are things going in Cardiff?"
"Badly," a man with eyes so light they looked unreal said softly from the far end of the table. He then proceeded to explicate everything that was going wrong in minute detail, and why it was that these things were so bad. I felt like I ought to be taking notes, and by the way Lily's hand was twitching, she was feeling the same way.
It was a shame I barely had a moment to think about the implications of Caradoc's mission in Wales before Dedalus Diggle began expounding on the problems in Kent. There was so much ground to catch up on. I was just beginning to get a feel for the scope of the war, the incredible numbers of Death Eaters and their pawns, and our remarkably paltry numbers, by comparison or otherwise.
"But we're well organized," Dorcas Meadowes said happily. "That's the important thing. You can get a lot done with proper organization."
I really wanted to believe her, but I happened to know that the Death Eaters were well-organized, too. It wasn't an advantage if both sides had it. I was honestly struggling to find our advantage as we dug in to dinner.
"It's what we're fighting for," Caradoc told me when I asked him quietly over firewhiskey. "If you look back in history, all these oppressive psychopaths, they get numbers, they've got power, their empires seem indestructible. But you know, it's funny, we say all kinds of things about how evil wins sometimes in life, but I've found that pure evil, the real thing, the thing we're fighting here...it might win some battles, but it always loses the war. It's just a matter of time."
"How long is a matter of time, though?" I asked. "I mean, this war has been going on for years."
I didn't want to come across sounding pessimistic, but I had Amy to think of. I wanted to be realistic. I wanted to know what sort of promises I could make her.
"Honestly?" Caradoc said darkly. "I really couldn't say." He put down his firewhiskey and frowned at me. "You know, I know you've got a girl. I heard you talking to Remus about it. She's not joining?"
"No," I said, maybe a bit too quickly. He seemed to recognize what I meant.
"I doubt she'll be kept out of this, Sirius," Caradoc said gently. "You can protect her all you want, but I lost my girl in this battle. Tortured and killed. She was pregnant, too, four months along."
I shivered, thinking of Amy being tortured and killed, and what was worse easily thinking of half a dozen people who would be delighted to do it just to hurt me. I hadn't even had to join the Order for that to be true. She was in danger just with my not joining the path my family had set for me, in my being a blood traitor.
Thanking Caradoc hollowly for his insights and finishing my drink, I went to a side room off the kitchen, my whole body shaking as I tried not to think of a pregnant Amy, belly swollen with our child, screaming as my cousin cursed her.
I felt sick to my stomach and I wanted to go home to Amy right away, to comfort myself with her smiling face and kisses, to know that she was all right. I had made arrangements to go back to my place with Lily and James as they were coming to dinner, but I very nearly grabbed my coat and left right then. Instead, Remus slid into the room I was in with a solemn face and I knew I needed to talk to him before I left.
"Hey," I said nervously, watching him sit on a sofa as I sat on the arm of an armchair. "How are you feeling, Remus?"
He rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand and after a moment said, "Terrible."
James had already told me that Remus's last letter to Sarah had been returned not only unopened, but with a rather angry Howler accompanying it, telling him to stop writing her or she'd be sending an actual curse next time. Remus had almost written a reply anyway, but James and Lily had talked him out of it, thankfully.
We had really all seen this coming for some time, but it still couldn't be easy for Remus to take, especially as it had all been going on for months.
"I know what you're going to ask," I told him slowly, gently as I could. "But you know I can't have Amy talk to Sarah about it again, Moony. I just can't."
"Why not?" Remus whined desperately.
I shook my head.
He was honestly too far gone to remember good reason. Had I been this insane when I was mooning over Amy foolishly, thinking she didn't want me?
I hoped not.
"Remus, she's not speaking to Amy either," I reminded him. "And even if she was, she's put her foot down. You need to get over Sarah Kelly. She's made up her mind long ago and there really doesn't seem to be hope in changing it."
Remus looked so defeated when I said these words that I half-regretted saying them, but he needed to hear it. He sank to the floor burying his face in his hands and sobbing. I moved to sit beside him, patting his shoulder comfortingly as I could.
After all, Remus had been there for me when I had despaired. It all seemed a bit like a distant dream, the time before I knew that Amy loved me once I realized that I loved her. Much of seventh year seemed like a dream, or a nightmare, from her illness where the virus was eating her brain to the death of James's father that had led to our first actual sexual encounter.
Memories were fuzzy, almost romanticized. Sometimes it was hard to believe that those people were us, looking back.
"She's right, of course," Remus finally sniffed, wiping his nose on the handkerchief I handed him. "I mean, it's an awful lot to ask of her, tethering herself to one of my kind."
I sighed.
When Remus started in on the "my kind" business we kept a close eye on him. He hadn't ever done anything suicidal, but if he ever did it would be when he got on those ridiculous "my kind" speeches. How hard could it be to kill yourself if you didn't even think of yourself as human?
Most days were not so bad, but this was obviously a bad day.
"Remus, it would have been a second date," I reminded him patiently as possible. "Not tethering or anything like it."
He shook his head.
"You don't understand," he moaned. "The sort of stigma that would be attached to her if anyone ever knew she'd even gone out on a single date with someone like me…."
I did understand, having grown up in a household that held to such stigma, but he didn't want me to understand in that moment because that would give weight to what I was saying to him, and he was too upset to want to be wrong. He wanted me to be open-minded from birth, like Amy, and tell him there was nothing dangerous about him, or a tad naïve like Lily, and say that attitudes could change.
Attitudes never changed. He was right, Sarah being with him was like sentencing herself to a life of being on the outside looking in at everyone else, but it wasn't as though anything really would have changed. Research, which was what she wanted to do, wouldn't be affected by such a life, and all of her friends were Remus's friends. Perhaps her parents would mind, but they really didn't even have to know.
There were dozens of excuses for adopting instead of having their own kids.
"I don't know what to tell you, Moony, except you can't let this rule your life," I said with a sigh. "I know it seems like it's the end of the world, but you're part of the Order now. People depend on you. There's stuff to live for even if you don't have Sarah. Right?"
"Right," he muttered, and he didn't seem to be appreciating the pep talk. It wasn't really meant to be a pep talk, but without my realizing it had turned into one of James's well-practiced locker room speeches.
I shuddered a little, wondering if maybe James would be giving more of those same talks before missions. Maybe Lily could talk him out of it. Lily could talk him out of or into almost anything.
Speaking of Lily and James….
"Hey," Lily said, walking into the room with her fiancé in tow. "Are you about ready to go?" she asked delicately, not looking at Remus.
She had come to the firm decision that coddling Remus was only going to make things harder in the long run. She had this habit of pretending he wasn't really in pain, in hopes that he would be forced to get over it more quickly.
I wasn't sure she had the right idea, but I didn't really have a better one. I stood up, patting Remus's head awkwardly. I nodded and stretched.
"Yeah, Amy will be wondering what's taking so long," I said conversationally. "See you later, Moony. Take care of yourself, yeah?"
He made a noncommittal sort of noise and James made a concerned face, but Lily, stubborn bird that she was, just pulled the both of us into the hall to grab our cloaks before she Disapparated holding both of us, bringing us to the front steps of my house.
Amy was in the kitchen when we got inside and I smiled at her, thinking about all the things that were supposed to turn out one way and turned out another. Work, for example.
Peter had a job doing filing at St. Mungo's a few days a week, which was all he needed with his mother putting him up still. Marlene, of all things, had become a spokesperson for the Chudley Cannons, fielding press and going to all the matches. James would have been jealous if the Cannons weren't the most depressingly terrible team in the league.
And like Sarah, who had let to procure a job as a researcher, Amy hadn't found a job. She tried to be positive about it, but I knew it was bothering her.
"Amy!" Lily said happily, kissing Amy on the cheek. "The boys are going out in a few weeks. We should have a girls' night."
"That'd be great," Amy said, kissing me firmly when I came up and wrapped my arms around her. The moment my lips touched hers I forgot there was anyone else in the room and I found myself backing her into the kitchen counter, begging with my lips for more.
There was the sound of James clearing his throat, and although I tried to ignore it and enjoy the feel of Amy's body against mine, Amy peeled herself away from me deftly and laughed.
"Sorry, guys," she said, patting my head. "He gets this way after separations, no matter how brief.
I pouted, but she was right. I needed to stop clinging to her so much. It was probably my fault she hadn't accepted the job at St. Mungo's Peter tried to get her. She was worried what I'd do all day without her to keep me company.
"What smells so good?" Lily asked, setting out glasses at the table and pouring wine while James and I sat down. Amy was bringing a bowl over.
"Pesto and cheese tortellini," Amy said, putting the bowl down. "And I've made a salad. And there's some ham as well because I knew Sirius would whine if I didn't put out any meat."
"I resent that," I teased, kissing her cheek as she put the salad and ham on the table.
We began to dig in, James telling Amy all of the non-secret things about the meeting, which wasn't much.
I didn't like having to keep such a big part of my life from Amy, but it had been her choice. She didn't want to join the Order, just as Dumbledore had predicted. I couldn't understand why, but I thought it had something to do with losing her sister.
"So," she said, when James had finished the retelling, "how are wedding preparations going, Lily?"
I bit the inside of my lip to keep from groaning.
It was all either girl wanted to talk about once we got out of Hogwarts. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in the wedding or excited about the wedding, but I really didn't care about the tales of Lily's attempts to find the perfect china pattern, or the significance of the type and number of bouquets.
James, too, got a bit glassy-eyed as the girls started to talk about what sorts of shoes Marlene and Amy would be wearing as bridesmaids, and I smiled to myself, cutting my ham and thinking how much easier our lives would be when the whole mess was finally over and she was no longer Evans, but Lily Potter.
I glanced over at Amy, who was putting more salad on my plate a she nodded at what Lily was saying, her eyes glowing. James could say all he wanted about Lily's eyes, but as far as I was concerned Amy's green eyes were the most beautiful eyes in the world. She brushed a bit of her brown hair back and caught my eye and laughed. I smiled at her, long since having lost track of whatever they were saying.
Amy was smiling at me. What did anything else matter?
I suddenly had the urge to do something, to say something, but I bit it back, swallowing the urge down with the last bit of pasta on my plate.
My eyes flickered toward the ring on Lily's hand. I had seen it before, on Mrs. Potter's hand, many, many times. Once her husband had died, Mrs. Potter had been more than pleased to let her son give it to the "love of his life."
The Blacks had a ring like that, too. My mother hadn't worn it in my memory, but I had seen it a few times. It was a beautiful ring, sitting in the family Gringotts vault, and it was once my responsibility to choose the pureblooded girl who would wear it.
Amy deserved a ring like that, but I wouldn't be able to give one to her. Even if I got a job and saved up, it would take me years to afford something so perfect for her. The inheritance from Uncle Alphard was an annuity, so I could always wait a few years…or twenty years.
No, I couldn't wait twenty years to put a ring on Amy's finger. But how long could I wait? I could tell by the shine in her eyes talking about Lily's wedding that she wanted a wedding of her own.
"So, what do you think, Sirius?" Lily asked, and I froze.
I was supposed to have been listening. I looked up at James for help, but he just gave me an apologetic look to indicate that he hadn't been listening either.
"I think it sounds great," I offered hopefully.
Amy raised her eyebrows.
"Really?" she said. "I would have thought you would have been adverse to the idea of wearing a pink tie.
Shit.
"I mean, it's Lily's day, right?" I said weakly. "It's just once. I mean, how many people are feasibly going to be at this thing? Let them laugh."
Lily beamed at me and although I was going to burn the tie right after the ceremony and James was glaring daggers at me because this was clearly something he'd been fighting with her about, if Amy gave me that look every time I agreed with Lily I'd wear a whole pink suit.