I don't tell Lincoln yet. I don't know what I would say. I know that he wouldn't be mad so it's not like I'm scared of telling him, it's just that there is so much going on and I don't think he could handle it right now. It's been two days since Abby told me I was pregnant and so far I haven't told anyone and I have avoided Abby as much as I can. So many thoughts and feelings have been weighing down on me and I don't know how much more I can take. All babies are to me is trouble, look what happened to my mum after she had me. I know that this isn't the ark anymore but it still feels like having kids are a bad idea, plus why would I want to raise them in a world like this?

I have to tell someone. I don't know who but I just have to. I can't tell Bellamy because his 'big brother' instinct would kick in and he would try to protect me from something that I can't be protected from. I certainly don't want to talk about it to Abby. Monty doesn't really seem like the right person to tell and Jasper has enough of his own problems to deal with. I make up my mind. I try and plan what I'm going to say, something along the lines of 'I just need someone to tell and you have always been a good friend.' No. That's too mushy. I will just go in there, say I am pregnant and ask what she would do. Normally I can handle my problems on my own but in this case I have no idea what to do and two heads are better than one.

I hate being in Arkadia. People stare at me because I look like a grounder. I am a grounder. The long stretch of tubing that runs along the ceiling is starting to pull away and looks like it will fall. The floor is scuffed and scratched and the walls are dented in places. As I reach the door that leads to the main engineering room, I look through the frosted window to make sure no one else is in there apart from Raven. Sure enough she is alone as I thought, huddled over something that looks small and delicate. The door swings open with a subtle squeak and Raven looks up from her work. My whole body quakes with fear and my mouth goes dry. What do I say? How do I tell her? Raven must sense something is wrong because she asks me "Octavia are you okay?" She brushes a long, brown strand of hair out of her face and takes of her gloves. I stand there not sure what to say. Maybe I shouldn't tell her; maybe I should tell Lincoln first. What if she tells people? What if she can't help? Suddenly despite all the contradicting thoughts that are running through me head I just blurt out "I'm pregnant"

The mechanic stares at me from a second trying to process what I said before just saying "What?"

"A couple of days ago Abby told me I was pregnant and I needed to tell someone so I told you" I say bluntly.

"Well does Lincoln know?"

I shake my head "I can't bring myself to tell him"

She raises her eyebrows at me. "Octavia you have to tell him" she says.

I am surprised at how well she has reacted. "What do I say? He has so much going on right now with the ice nation and this is just gonna complicate things"

"Well you're going to have to tell him eventually because in a few months' time you're going to get pretty fat"

I walk over to the side of the room and perch myself on a rickety bench. Raven follows and sits next to me. Her eyes aren't sympathetic like Abby and Jackson's were, instead they look serious like she is trying to figure something out. "What do you want to do with…" She hesitates for a moment, not knowing what to call the thing before simply saying "It". I run my hand over my tight braids to smooth down any stray hairs. Exhaustion and relief is evident in my voice as I have been holding this in for what seems like forever "I have no idea" I say. The result of the last two sleepless nights and constant vomiting is starting to have an effect on me and my whole body feels heavy and tired. "Do you want to keep it?" Raven inquires.

"Not really"

"Then just get it removed" she says.

"But something doesn't feel right about doing that" I say finally expressing the thoughts that have been bothering me for days.

"Octavia do you honestly think that with your incredibly active and violent life style that you are going to be able to carry a baby"

I shake my head.

"Besides would you even want to put up with that thing inside you for 9 months?"

"No" I say flatly. I know where she is heading with this. The smart decision would be to have an abortion and I am certainly not against doing that, but something just doesn't feel right. I rarely ever interact with children and I don't know the first thing about them. All I know is that they cry and poo and vomit and smell. I don't want a child but for some reason the idea of destroying it makes me feel uncomfortable. "Octavia you need to talk about this with Lincoln" Raven says earnestly. I know she's right. Lincoln is the father so he has a right to know but when it comes down to it, it is still my choice and my choice only. It's my body so I decide what happens to it but if I get rid of the kid I would feel like something is missing but if I keep it I know that I will regret it. Then a thought occurs to me that still causes problems but is better than the other options. "Why don't I have the thing and then give it to someone who actually wants it" I suggest. Raven nods slowly in agreement. "I know that there is still the issue of carrying a baby around in me when I try and fight and stuff but at least I don't have to get rid of it or keep it."

"I guess" says Raven "But you still have to tell Lincoln"