Chapter Twenty-One
Ianto almost jumped out of his skin at the unexpected sound of the doorbell. Glancing sharply in the direction of the front door, he struggled to extricate himself from Jack and get to his feet. "Bugger."
"Expecting a visitor?" Jack retrieved the towel he'd brought from the bathroom earlier and began to clean himself up. He was still sprawled on the sofa, completely naked except for the incongruity of his expensive, designer watch and dark blue socks, and seemingly unconcerned by the potential intrusion.
"Nope." Ianto glanced down at where he'd left his own watch on the coffee table. It was just after ten o'clock. He frowned as he tried to think who might be standing at his doorstep at such a late hour. Anyone who knew him would call first, but then they also wouldn't be bothering him at this time of night in the first place.
Jack shrugged. "Ignore it, then. Probably just one of your neighbours."
"No, I'd better see who it is. Might be important." Ianto looked at Jack, his mind still reeling from every thrilling, terrifying moment of what they'd just done together. Rubbing distractedly at the back of his neck, he realised that his hand – the same hand that only moments ago had been stroking Jack until he climaxed – wasn't entirely steady. "Um... you'd better get dressed."
As he stepped towards the front door, he wondered if the note of regret in his voice had been as obvious to Jack as it was to himself. Jack had seemed in no hurry to put his clothes back on, and he couldn't help wondering what might have happened next if they hadn't been interrupted. A shiver ran down his spine at the thought that he might have ended up naked too, their bodies tangled together as they kissed and moved against each other. After all, it wasn't like he had much left to hide from Jack now.
One thing was for certain – those photographs didn't do Jack justice. The man was even more spectacular in the flesh. Literally. And, vivid as it was, his imagination hadn't come close to the experience of touching Jack in one of the most intimate ways possible, nor of actually watching and feeling Jack's body ripple and shudder as he climaxed. The expression of ecstasy on Jack's face, followed by the mellow, sated look in his eyes afterwards, had been the most intense and erotic thing that he'd ever witnessed. Unnerving and intimidating as it all had been, he'd loved every moment.
Looking through the door's peep-hole, he saw who was standing on his doorstep, and his heart sank with the realisation of the reason for the unexpected visit. If he hadn't been so distracted, he probably would have realised right away that there was only one person it could be. Opening the door, he took in the dejected countenance of his best friend.
"Sorry to turn up unannounced. I should have called first..." Rhys's voice hitched, and he shook his head miserably. "I had to leave."
Ianto slipped an arm around him and ushered him inside. "It's fine, Rhys. Come in." He reached for Rhys's large, battered suitcase. "Here, let me get that."
"Rhys? Is everything okay?'
Closing the door, Ianto turned at the sound of Jack's voice and found him looking at Rhys with concern as he buttoned up his shirt. Silently cursing the man's lack of discretion, he flashed Jack a disapproving glare. Admittedly, Jack's dishevelled hair, and probably his own as well, didn't help to hide that they'd been in the middle of something. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that he and Jack had just had sex. Well, of a sort, at least. He wasn't ready to be broadcasting the news, let alone to his best friend, who had just walked out on his long-term girlfriend and was now facing an existence of loneliness and celibacy for the foreseeable future.
Rhys managed a weak smile. "Hiya, Jack. Sorry, I didn't realise you'd be here." He looked back and forth between them, his features finally registering that he'd interrupted something. "Look, mate. I can find somewhere else to stay tonight..."
Wishing the floor would open up and swallow him, Ianto waved away his protest. "It's fine, Rhys. We've just finished watching a film." Hoping his attempted nonchalance was convincing, he indicated Rhys's suitcase to Jack. He'd mentioned in passing that Rhys and Gwen were having some problems, so he hoped that Jack would take the hint. "Rhys is going to be staying here for a bit."
Understanding passed over Jack's features. "Sorry to hear things didn't work out, Rhys." Giving Rhys a sympathetic look, he stepped forward and clasped his shoulder. "How about I get us something to drink? Coffee? Or maybe something stronger?"
"Actually, a beer would be bloody good. Bit late I know, but..." Rhys trailed off, hands shoved in his pockets and wearing a lost, shell-shocked expression.
Jack squeezed his shoulder. "I think you're allowed." He glanced at Ianto with a worried frown before retreating to the kitchen.
Ianto tried to give his friend a reassuring smile. He empathised all too well with what Rhys was going through, but that didn't make him feel any less helpless. "Come on, Rhys. Come and sit down."
As the three of them sat in the living room – Rhys with a beer, he and Jack with coffee – Ianto was grateful for Jack's presence by his side. He felt terrible for Rhys and hated to see his friend so subdued and unhappy, but knowing how devastated he'd been after his own breakup, he knew that nothing he could say or do would help. Rhys would need time, and all he could do was try to be a good friend and provide a roof over his head for as long as he needed it.
Like the encounter with Lisa at the museum, Rhys's situation was bringing up some unpleasant memories and emotions – ones that he'd thought he had finally put to rest. Looking at Rhys, he was reminded of all those negative feelings that he'd tormented himself with for far too long. The sense of failure, the low self-worth, the belief that he simply hadn't been good enough. He remembered how lost and broken he'd been, unsure if he'd ever be happy or feel whole again.
Warm fingers intertwined with his, and he looked down to find Jack's hand linked with his own. As if sensing his inner turmoil, Jack's hand squeezed gently, and Ianto looked up to find Jack watching him with concern in his eyes. Taking a steadying breath, he squeezed back, drawing comfort from the simple, but meaningful gesture.
Rhys drank his beer, his gaze unfocused as he stared across the room. "I'm not going back. I told myself if I leave, then that's it, I'm finished. I tried to give things one more chance, I thought I owed us that, but she isn't going to change, at least not anytime soon. I'm not going to wait around for God knows how long, hoping one day she'll wake up and realise the world doesn't revolve around her." He laughed bitterly. "Anyway, now she can bloody well learn to fend for herself."
Ianto nodded, admiring his friend's resolve. "I know it doesn't feel like this at the moment... probably won't for a while... but, for what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing."
Rhys drained the bottle, putting it down and focusing on Ianto. "Just hasn't quite sunk in yet." His gaze shifted down to where Ianto realised that his hand was still entangled with Jack's. "I reckon the two of you have the right idea. It must be easier, being with a bloke? Being with someone who's wired the same way?"
Ianto merely gave Rhys a shrug in reply, knowing that he wasn't qualified to answer. He had to resist the urge to extract his hand from Jack's, not sure how comfortable he was with the simple display of affection, even though Rhys knew that they were involved. Plus, it didn't seem right to flaunt that he was in a new relationship – albeit, a strange and confusing one – when Rhys's had just come to an end.
Jack might have had the same thought, because he gave Ianto's hand a final squeeze, then let it go and patted his knee before finally breaking contact. "Well, I don't think any relationship is easy, and at the end of the day we're all human, with the same basic drives and needs." He paused with a thoughtful expression. "Still, there's something to be said for a certain degree of like-mindedness." He gave Ianto a look that sent his mind spiralling back to wholly inappropriate places given the circumstances. "Of course, there are other benefits too."
Rhys managed a weak laugh. "Maybe I should give it a try. See what all the fuss is about." Sobering, he sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face, then gestured at the television. "Mind if I zone out and watch telly for a bit? Need to give the brain a rest."
They retreated to the kitchen to give Rhys some time to himself, and Ianto distracted himself with wiping the worktops while Jack washed their coffee mugs.
"Are you okay?"
Ianto stopped mid-wipe and turned to meet Jack's solicitous gaze. "I'm fine. I'm just worried about Rhys." He opened his mouth to continue but realised that he had no idea what else to say.
Jack rested a hand on his shoulder and stroked gently with his thumb. "It's all a little too close to home, isn't it? Dredging up some unpleasant memories?"
Ianto swallowed against the sudden tightness in his throat and could only nod in reply.
The next thing he knew, he was in Jack's arms and enveloped in that solid, warm strength he'd grown more accustomed to of late. He'd never been one for hugging – neither had Lisa, nor were Rhys or Rhiannon for that matter, with Johnny being the unwelcome exception – but it was different with Jack, as most things inevitably were. He wrapped his arms around Jack and relaxed into the embrace, pressing his face to Jack's neck and breathing in the masculine scent with its lingering hint of aftershave that he'd come to associate uniquely with Jack.
He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that before he felt the soft press of Jack's lips against his cheek. Without conscious thought, he sought out those lips with his own. It wasn't one of their usual heated kisses, instead it was gentle and undemanding, more about comfort than desire. Together with the soothing caress of Jack's hand along his spine, it was different, but no less perfect.
Their mouths eventually parted, but they continued to hold each other, neither of them showing any sign of wanting to let go. He gave Jack a tentative smile. "I'm sorry we were interrupted."
Jack's answering smile was wry. "Me too. But there'll be other times. Soon, hopefully."
Ianto pressed his lips against Jack's again. He wanted so much more with Jack, to the point where it was almost frightening, but he was still completely out of his depth, which tonight had confirmed all too clearly. By Jack's standards, what they'd done had probably been incredibly tame, even though there was no question that Jack had enjoyed it. The problem was that he still couldn't figure out what Jack was doing with him, not when Jack could surely find someone who was far more experienced – someone who could satisfy him in ways that he might never be able to. He wasn't confident like Jack, nor was he exciting or charismatic, and he definitely didn't have Jack's model looks or body to match.
Even as Jack kissed him back with undeniable affection and tenderness, he couldn't help wondering how he could possibly hold Jack's interest, no matter how much he wanted to or how hard he tried.
###
Over the course of the next few days, they got Rhys moved and settled in. A friend of Rhys's from the haulage company where he'd used to work provided a truck and helped with moving the guest bed from Rhys's former flat along with several other pieces of furniture that Rhys wanted to keep. Ianto helped him with packing up the rest of his belongings, and although it was a bit of a squeeze, they managed to get everything moved into the flat. There had been no sign of Gwen, for which Ianto was silently thankful. He hadn't relished the idea of being caught up in any fallout from the breakup.
On Saturday night, Jack came over with pizzas and beer, and the three of them ate, drank and watched action films. Rhys was trying to put up a good front, but he was subdued and unlike his usual jovial self. It had been a busy and tiring week – the bakery was busier than ever thanks to the publicity from the newspaper article and their other promotional efforts – and now that the week was over, Ianto wasn't in the best of spirits either and found himself feeling conflicted. A part of him was grateful for the buffer provided by Rhys's presence, but it was accompanied by a sense of guilt for feeling that way in the first place. Another part of him yearned for some time alone with Jack, even though he wasn't sure if he was ready for a repeat of the other night, let alone anything more. As a result, he ended up spending most of the evening tense and restless, taking little notice of what they were watching as he alternated between worrying about Rhys and worrying about his relationship with Jack.
As the credits for 'The Transporter' began to roll up the screen, and Ianto was struggling to stifle a yawn, Rhys stretched and stood up. "Think I'll turn in. Thanks again for dinner, Jack."
Jack gave him a warm smile. "Anytime, Rhys. Sleep well."
"Night, Rhys." Ianto watched Rhys leave the room, then reached for the remote and turned off the television. When Jack's hand took hold of his own and rested them together on his knee, he glanced up and met Jack's eyes before looking away again.
Jack's thumb stroked back and forth against Ianto's. "You've been quiet tonight."
Ianto failed to hold back a weary sigh and slumped back into the sofa. He knew he'd been lousy company, not that he was exactly scintillating at the best of times. "I'm always quiet."
"Well, quieter than usual, then." The movement of Jack's thumb faltered, and when he spoke again, his tone had become contemplative. "I like that about you, by the way. Some people feel the need to make small talk all the time. Fill the air with empty, meaningless words. Not you, though. If you've got something to say, you say it. But you don't talk just for the sake of it."
Jack clearly meant it as a compliment, but Ianto couldn't help thinking that it sounded like a nice way of saying he was a shy introvert with nothing interesting to talk about. If he was being honest with himself, it probably wasn't very far from the truth. "You've no doubt been with far more exciting people."
Jack frowned. "I'm not sure I'd put it quite like that. Sure, I've been with people who were fun to spend a night or two with. That doesn't mean I want them in my life on a permanent basis or that I want to date them." He shifted closer, his grip on Ianto's hand tightening. "What's wrong, Ianto? What's going on in that gorgeous head of yours?"
"Nothing. Just a bit tired, that's all." Ianto stared down at their joined hands, his stomach a tense, twisted knot. He hated being dishonest with Jack, especially when, at least as far as he knew, Jack had never been anything except honest with him. He sighed and shook his head. "I don't see how I can be enough for someone like you."
He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. They made him sound weak and insecure. He wanted Jack to think well of him and see him as an equal, not as pitiable and pathetic.
"Someone like me? Do you really think we're that different?" Jack's voice was somewhere between amused and bewildered. He was silent for a few moments, but then slowly exhaled and spoke again. "Okay, we are in some ways, I won't deny that. But in other ways, we're not. Besides, I'm not so narcissistic that I'd want to date someone the same as me. Differences keep things interesting."
Ianto didn't disagree, at least not entirely. In theory, it made sense, and he probably wouldn't want to date someone too similar to himself either. But he and Lisa had been different – too different, as it had turned out. Rhys and Gwen were different too, and that hadn't worked out any better. He shrugged. "I suppose that's true."
"Are you having second thoughts? Because if you are..."
"No." Ianto looked up sharply, his grip tightening on Jack's hand. Regardless of his anxieties, the thought of losing Jack... of not having him in his life... it wasn't something that he wanted to contemplate. It didn't make sense, given the tenuous nature of their relationship and the short time they'd known each other, but Jack had become an important part of his life. Even on the days when Jack didn't visit the bakery and they didn't see each other, he found himself missing Jack's presence.
Taking a steadying breath, he shook his head and tried to find the words to make Jack understand. "No. But the other night... it reminded me that I don't know what to do... that I don't know how to be with a man. You know what you're doing, and you must have expectations... desires... needs." He forced himself to hold Jack's searching gaze. "Aren't you worried that I won't be able to satisfy you?"
Jack blinked, then sat back and studied him for a moment. "Well, that can work both ways. What if I can't satisfy you? After all, you'd only been with women before I came along. As much as it pains me to say it, maybe I won't be enough for you."
Ianto stared at him, seeing the vulnerability in his eyes, and found himself lost for words. Jack always seemed so confident and self-assured – it was difficult to imagine him having similar doubts. It was a humbling reminder that Jack, looks, charm and ego aside, had the same human frailties as everyone else.
"Look, we both know there aren't any guarantees." Jack was now looking at him with an intent, earnest expression. "I had a great time the other night... I think we're good for each other and are going to be amazing together. It doesn't matter to me that you don't have experience being with a man. Besides, that's only temporary. And to be honest, I love that this is all new to you... I love that I'm the lucky guy who gets to share these new experiences with you." Pausing, he squeezed Ianto's hand. "We'll just take things a step at a time and enjoy ourselves, like we have been, and see what happens. No pressure or expectations."
Ianto nodded in agreement and tried to muster a smile. Jack made it all sound so easy and reasonable, and he wanted to believe him. He supposed that he just needed to find the courage to try.